Comments on IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE .....: TTTEC: UNGODLY ADDICTION PT. 2 UPDATED

ALICE ... if there's one thing you should here...

2010-03-19T20:05:48.965-05:00

ALICE ... if there's one thing you should here it's this .. VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE CANNOT CONTROL THE FACT THAT THEY MAY SOMETIMES BE GRATIFIED BY THE ABUSE .. bodies are bodies you can't help what stimulation causes so DO NOT .. i repeat DO NOT use the idea that he may have been pleasured by any of the encounters as a REASON to feel uncomfortable .. if you are raped by a man or even a woman (God forbid both) you will not be able to help what your body does in response to the stimuli .. THAT is something that MANY victims of sexual abuse are in turmoil as a result of and what unfortunately STOPS many people from coming forward .. they think because they enjoyed it and maybe .. came .. it must not be rape or abuse NO it is not his fault that he received pleasure from it

2. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG for him ... he's been through a lot.. although you are not obligated to anything if you love him you will (if not stay with him) try to help him. try to make him see the utter NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED to go to counseling .. merely deleting the pictures mean NOTHING ... of course he feels remorse but that will not change anything .. we all feel remorse for our bad habits but learned behavior dies hard and from the looks of things .. it's been festering for YEARS. too long for a simple confrontation to smooth over. THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING (i type in caps a lot)

Alice neds to seek help

his past is not enu...

2008-12-03T09:25:00.000-05:00

Alice neds to seek help

his past is not enuff reason to leave ur hubby........

help him......

i couldn't possibly have anything to contribute he...

2008-12-02T10:04:00.000-05:00

i couldn't possibly have anything to contribute here as i've never been in such a situation. anything i say here may not help. i guess all i can suggest is 4 her to now actively seek d face of God more than anything else

Re: the update.
It sounds like Alice's husband ...

2008-12-02T03:10:00.000-05:00

Re: the update.
It sounds like Alice's husband is going back into denial mode. As i said in my earlier comment, the is only, and can only ever be a temporary solution. His feelings will once again find an outlet all by themselves as has just happened.
At this stage he's probably telling himself that he can handle it. He can't...they will surface again and probably catch him unawares once more.

As others have pointed out, child pornography is a crime. In this country (UK) just possessing images of children is considered to be paedophilia, which is why i used that word previously. Any which way, it is a crime. God forbid, it progresses to something more serious, but whilst i hate to be a prophet of doom, if he doesnt get help, it will happen again.

Whatever decision Alice now makes has to be based on the information at hand i.e. he is refusing to get help for his problem

Like Baraal said, I would like Alice to think abou...

2008-12-01T16:17:00.000-05:00

Like Baraal said, I would like Alice to think about what she would have done, had it been a teacher or a nanny in that case. Even after the confession of abuse, I am sure 95% of the comments would heva been asking for the person's head.

Why is this case any different? Because they are married? A crime is a crime is a crime.

I would have recommended counseling for both of you, but he doesn't even want to go to counseling. To me that spells irresponsibility.

I understand the trememdous amount of psychologic despair being abused as a child can bring to one. I should know.

But to perpetuate the behavior using this as an excuse and/or crutch is not the solution.

Protect your daughter. Do not allow ANY children to come to the house EVER. I have seen too many lives broken because kids have been abused (i.e that of your husband)

He need counseling. And child pornography REMAINS a crime even when committed by our loved ones.

Gosh, i feel so terrible for her....

Thank ...

2008-12-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

Gosh, i feel so terrible for her....

Thank God she talked to him. Counselling would have helped a great deal but he doesnt want that..so i guess all she can do is keep fasting and praying FERVENTLY. God will see her through, amen.

one last thing...

imagine if your was y...

2008-12-01T07:18:00.001-05:00

one last thing...

imagine if your was your brother, born to your father and mother, and he came to confess to you about something like this...you would not leave him, you would try your best possible way to help him out..because he is blood...

well the thing is. your husband is closer to you (or is supposed to be) than your brother. dont treat him like a stranger. only the circumstances are strange.

2008-12-01T07:18:00.000-05:00

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Hi solomonsydelle :) gosh i've missed your blog......

2008-12-01T07:14:00.000-05:00

Hi solomonsydelle :) gosh i've missed your blog...thanks for checking up on me, I am great!

..this lady's story is touching...

first Christ has the ability to heal every type of wound..

second, sexual abuse causes ripples in one's life that no human understanding can understand and only God has the ability to heal...her husband needs SUPPORT..i understand how it feels to feel betrayed but at this time, it is not about HER but about HIM, as difficult as that sounds...because the initial wound started from him and that caused this pain for her now, so they need to help him...prayers and counselling...one encounter with the Holy Spirit is all they really need...

thirdly, for alice. pray for healing for yourself. because you need trust in your marriage..you dont want a half-empty (pessimistic) marriage and you dont just want to 'stick around' because you said I DO, you want to ENJOY MARRIAGE, and Jesus can heal every.single.hurt.

...be there for your husband and dont use this against him at any point. its hard to get men to open up sometimes, now that he has, you dont want him to close up on you.

I pray that God will help you work this out.

I think Alice shouldnt jump to a drastic conclusio...

2008-12-01T06:22:00.000-05:00

I think Alice shouldnt jump to a drastic conclusion that would only go further to strain her marriage.

If there is one thing I've come to understand in marriage is that till our dying day, we'll keep discovering new things about our spouses. Rather than feel bad about the discovery, Alice should feel happy that she has discovered something thats hidden. It is also up to her to create an atmosphere that will allow her hubby to be more open to her.
He probably didnt tell her about it because he was ashamed. And it wasnt his fault, he was a victim of abuse.
Human beings are complex creatures and we keep discovering new things about ourselves each day. Its not about how bad the discoveries are but how we are able to manage the situation and forge ahead.
No human being is perfect. We all have our secrets and for Alice to decide she can't stand with her man again would be a wrong decision. He can still turn out to be the best husband she'll ever have. Its up to her to decide to let that happen or not. If she leaves him and meets another person, this next person will also have a secret. What if its worse than the one she discovered?

Alice should have this at the nack of her mind...IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
To say you dont think you know your hubby anymore is wrong because you've actually known him better than before you went through that computer.

Alice remember your vows ok? and stick with him.
2008-12-01T06:15:00.000-05:00
Alice remember your vows ok? and stick with him.

I beleive in Miracles thru prayers, so dear pray for him.

what is wrong is wrong. I think many christians n...

2008-11-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

what is wrong is wrong. I think many christians need to re evaluate their morals.

very soon people would be saying that if you find out your husband is a killer, you should remember "for better for worse", destroy the evidence, etc...

Na wah oh, is it not the same Bible that preaches HONESTY?

I wonder now how many people would stop a crime if they ever had the chance...

a pity...

@afrobabe: sister, did you read the whole story? H...

2008-11-30T17:39:00.000-05:00

@afrobabe: sister, did you read the whole story? He looks at pictures of NAKED CHILDREN, BOYS!!!

Nigerian men don't do counseling..they do church.....

2008-11-30T16:58:00.000-05:00

Nigerian men don't do counseling..they do church..unfortunately in this case the church is part of the problem...I really don't think Alice should leave her husband just cos she saw naked pictures...I stare at sexual pictures all day...doesn't make me a porn star does it???

sit ur ass down Alice!!!

need to go back and read the whole story for me to...

2008-11-30T15:45:00.000-05:00

need to go back and read the whole story for me to leave a meaningful comment
BUT nothing justifies child pornography
It is a henious evil crimewhether he was abused or not
The fact that he wont even get help to stop wants to think he doesnt want to stop.
There is no way he should be allowed anywhere near any children.

it is sad that he was molested as a child and I wa...

2008-11-30T15:24:00.000-05:00

it is sad that he was molested as a child and I want to cry for his abuse as a child but his behaviour as an adult will not let me.

His abuse does not justify what he has done. one should never continue the circle…viewing the pics encourages other monsters to keep molesting kids and putting their pics up. wrong.

there is absolutely no reason for anybody to have pictures of naked children. none at all.

i agree with UCS that you both need counselling… professional help… but i also completely agree with baraal's approach to the way 4ward. i suggest that the counselling is something he goes to for a very long time

i know i should try and be positive 4 u but i am very scared 4 u, 4 your daughter, for anybody's child that might want to sleep over at yours.

To be honest I think you must never allow another child to stay at your house. I say this bcos a good friend of mine was molested by her uncle…her sister too…all the years they were in his care but didn't touch his own children

you are going to always going to be on the lookout for signs…4 the rest of your life…it will put a strain on your relationship…but I implore u that pls whatever u do… just protect the your child and all other innocent children trusted to your care when they come over to your house…

i wish u God's Wisdom and his strength on this matter.

2008-11-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

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TRUTH: The man is a paedophile. Case closed.

2008-11-29T13:27:00.000-05:00
TRUTH: The man is a paedophile. Case closed.

It is unfortunate that this terrible circle of child abuse has continued with him. His abusers were probably all abused as children as well. The question is: who will break this circle? Will the circle continue with her daughter or shall it be broken here?

Those that do not see this as a crime, where the hell do you think such pictures are found? Do you think parents have pictures of their kids naked that they put up on the internet? Most of the kids in such pictures are kidnapped or trafficked from all over the world. Most of them are sold to paedophiles who in turn not only molest them but make money by selling naked pictures of them to people like Alice's husband.

As a mother somewhere cries for the loss of her child, a man somewhere jerks off to the picture of the same child. I wonder how any of us would feel to see a grown man jerking off to a picture of our innocent son?

Get out of there and report him to the police. If you do not do that, you are an accomplice to this disgusting and heinous crime. He is never going to get help if he is not forced.

Get your daughter out of there.

i've learnt to let go and let God in every situati...

2008-11-29T12:06:00.000-05:00

i've learnt to let go and let God in every situation. i dont expect that Alice would find it easy but she needs to always remember her vows and pray strongly. i can understand why her husband doesn't want to seek help (shame and all what not) but she really needs to stand in the gap for him in prayer.

Alice,

When I first read your story my hear...

2008-11-29T11:49:00.000-05:00

Alice,

When I first read your story my heart melted; not just becos of how heartbreaking it is. This situation can happen to anyone no matter how God fearing or moral we think we are.

I’m really happy you talked to your husband about it. It definitely must have been terrifying and gut retching…but YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. God bless your heart. It’s the first step forward

You need all the help you can get but from the right place. You’ve been a victim. No matter how you twist and turn it, everything you’ve built and known in your life has been changed by this. You have changed. Yes, it has changed some aspect of your life forever. However, leaving your husband now would not solve anything.

He may not agree to seek help at first, but I think YOU have to. Yes, Alone. A professional would tell you…and help you find the right path to approach this change in life as you’ve known it. I believe in God, the church and the power of prayer but alongside you need the assistance of a qualified professional. Why? Because of the potential legal ramifications in this situation, plus you have to work every angle to save your marriage and the future of your child.

Also, be careful who you discuss this with. I say this because sometime people tend to hurt rather than help. My former pastor reveled to me some intimate details about the marriage of a very close friend of mine. I put myself in her place: I certainly would not want such things to be told even to close friends.

I love this forum. I know the things I see here have helped me. I commend everyone that takes the time to sit, read and make comments.

Alice, all the best; I’ll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.

@ Solo: I know I OWE YOU A CALL.

@Solomonsydelle: In case I never told you, I admir...

2008-11-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

@Solomonsydelle: In case I never told you, I admire you and what you write about. Thank you and God bless for creating the TTEC.

This is so touching. For a moment I wished it was ...

2008-11-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

This is so touching. For a moment I wished it was a lie.

Alice's husband has suffered too. It takes courage to open up like that. As human beings, somewhere in us searches for love that is, someone accepting us for who we are. Love can change anything.

I'd suggest that Alice prays for her husband. There is so much power in a praying wife. She should also not distant herself away from him because he needs her at this point in time.

God has the heart of Kings in His hands. Alice would be amazed at the changes she will see in her husband when she starts to pray. He might end up asking her to take him to meet a counsellor.

Child pornography is a grevious crime. Just this m...

2008-11-29T07:07:00.000-05:00

Child pornography is a grevious crime. Just this morning i read of a lawyer sentenced to 6 years in jail for downloading such stuff. So whatever else there is, be aware of the criminal repercussions that could arise for both of you from this.

You say that he has refused to go to counselling. IMO, there is no future for both of you without counselling. I think you should determine to leave unless he shows some willingness to confront his past. Not only did he betray your trust, there is also the issue of the safety of your daughter. You cannot as a responsible mother leave her alone in the company of a man who has such issues and is doing nothing about it. Imagine your reaction if this had been your child's nanny or teacher caught with such material.

Of course, he was a victim of terrible abuse but that does not justify failure to act. To stem this vicious cycle, you both need to act decisively. In my mind, the choice is as simple as this: he goes to counselling or you leave with your child. And in this case, i think he needs individual counselling to deal with his childhood and you both need couples' counselling to deal with the trust issues this has created in your marriage.

Do not rely on him saying that he has changed without any evidence of effort on his part and even then you should still be wary. You might regret it otherwise. Shame and remorse were never enough to make people give up bad habits. If they were, we would have no problems with former alcoholics having the occasional drink.

I understand that you wouldn't want to turn your back on him at such a time and i commend that. But there are limits to what is reasonable and i am not of the belief that you must stick with a marriage no matter what. You stick with something that is worth saving and it is up to him to show you that he is really interested in saving your family.

Alice, I do not believe you ever went wrong.
...

2008-11-28T19:59:00.000-05:00

Alice, I do not believe you ever went wrong.

Saying that you went wrong at some point implies that you didn't marry the right person because if you did you wouldn't be facing this situation.

Horrible things happen in this world every one millionth second of every second of the day. Did your husband do anything to deserve having his innocence ripped from him so violently? Was he wrong because, maybe, at one point his body betrayed him into experiencing pleasure brought about via sexual abuse? NO, NO, NO.

So also did you not do anything wrong by falling in love and marrying a man who by your account is perfect ... except for 3 things;
1). He was abused
2). He did not tell you about it before you married him, and hence denied you the option of opting out if you had so decided at the initial phase.
3). His past has influenced him into carrying out A HORRID HORRID action (downloading pictures of young innocent children).

1 and 2 do not justify 3. In short nothing in this case makes sense, is right, or can be justified ... that is the truth of the matter.

If anyone is wrong ... it is the he's/she's that perpetuate violence against children and adults everyday.

ALICE, hear me when I say THIS NOT YOUR FAULT! So when as you pray to God, know that he will never put you in a situation that you cannot handle. he God I serve is not a God of unjust punishment. He is a merciful, compassionate, and just God.

Alice

This is not easy to deal with, i know...

2008-11-28T19:27:00.000-05:00

Alice

This is not easy to deal with, i know. However he confessed, he apologised, he admitted his past and he opened the door that only you has the key to.

The kind of trauma a person goes through when they are abused..especially at the age your husband was leaves wounds that run deep to the bone. Healing is a lonely long road...

Your husband MUST get help otherwise he will never know how deep his wounds lie. It won't be easy but its necessary

You are angry and you feel betrayed by his actions...however ask yourself this. Do you love him? Truly and unconditionally?

If yes..don't let him go. Now that the flood gates are open, you have to hold on to each other.

Its not for better for worse for nothing. All i know is don't lose sight of the fact that nothing can be overcome. Nothing.

Am sure people will be quoting realms of pages from the bible...but who but God is most forgiving??

Alice, don't lose faith..in your husband.