Here's this week's TTTEC installment. I hope we can offer this lady some sound advice on how to tackle the issue she is dealing with.
*****************
My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years and I just had our second son. The pregnancy and delivery were very difficult for me, much worse than the first time. In fact, my doctor recommended that I consider not having anymore children because she did not think my body could take another pregnancy.
When our last born, Dami, was born, my husband was very scared for our lives. We soon discussed whether or not we would have anymore children. I told him what my doctor had told me and he simply said not to worry that we would discuss the matter later once I had recovered.
Well, now we are trying to discuss the matter and there is wahala. We talked to my doctor during our babies last checkup and she recommended that my husband, Wale, get a procedure so as to prevent future pregnancies. She said that it was easier for men to get the procedure versus women for whom getting their tubes tied is a serious surgery.
Upon getting home, Wale announced that he would not do it. He also said he will not use protection so as to limit the possibility of a pregnancy. I tried as best as I could to talk to him but he ended up shouting at me and saying, "What if I want to have more children, nko?"
That comment has changed everything for me. I cannot believe that he would say that to me knowing fully well that me having another child is practically impossible due to the risks. So, is he telling me he will have a child with someone else? I have never felt this insecure in my marriage before and I do not know what to do about it. Please help.
********************
My take: I like to think that Wale was just feeling nervous about his 'crown jewels' when he made his insensitive comment to his wife, Alice. However, Alice confessed that she wondered during her last pregnancy about his faithfulness. Anyway, I'm turning this over to you guys. By the way, I just got word on what happened with last week's TTTEC. Many of you will be happy, but I think the consequences might be considerable. Anyway, I'll save that for next week pending any other issues that might arise in the meantime.
34 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
number first...
Hmmm, this is a bit tough. I agree with u...I don't think he meant that he will have a child with someone else. He most likely was speaking out of anger, which usually stems from fear. I don't think any man will be happy and "ok" with getting a procedure that involves his royal jewels. I truly think that she should wait until everyone is calm and talk to him about it, she shouldn't take his comment personal nor feel insecure. And during this conversation, she should bring up the issue about her fearing that he may be unfaithful...if it seems fit at the moment. Good luck! And as always, prayer is a plus!
i agree with you too..i think he was just being insecure..the procedure you are asking him to get is very serious.just saying.maybe protection will be the best option.
He might just need sometime to wrap his mind around the idea and the quickest excuse he could give to her pending that was his comment.
I'll suggest she gives him some space then approach him again about the discussion.
Let him be for now...getting over the news..9ja men don't joke with their 'family jewel' & DON'T count on any family member's support on this particular issue..YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN!..Your life is MOST important..go for IUD..you don't have to tell him yet..until much later..about your FEAR concerning unfaithfulness..let him know your feelings about it.. LET HIM KNOW HE SHOULD BE THANKFUL & GRATEFUL HE HAS 2 LOVELY BOYS..some don't have a child & some,only gals.For now, concentrate on taking care of your boys. Above all...GO ON YOUR KNEES..GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL TO THE HEARKEN TO THE CRY OF HIS CHILDREN. Shalom.
I suggest she gets on birth control pills and bring up the topic sometime in the future, or if she doesn't like pills, there are IUDs and the implanon. No one knows tomorrow but I think having an irreversible procedure at a young age should be the last step. What if one spouse dies (god forbid ofcourse) but would u not want your spouse to find love again and possibly have more kids?
Just a few words...give him time, the bring it up again...as much as possible discuss things logically and if neccessary seek professional input in working out a viable situation that wud work for both parties.
Your husband made that remark at a time when he was confused and maybe shocked! No man would be willing to undergo such surgical process just to avoid getting his wife pregnant.
However, there are other options and methods that can be implemented to avoid pregnancy. Why were these options not suggested by the doctor?
Anyway, when your husband is a lot calmer, both of you should talk about it and weigh your options. I believe you will work it out.
In all PRAY and seek the face of God.
The doctor should prescribe other methods and option...She should just let her man be for the moment, because this is some major life changing surgery...and she is so on her own, no family member will support this, so she has to tread the issue with patience.
from my experience men are very possessive of their "crown jewels" and often view it as a sign of their manhood. They often feel sterilization means they become less of a man. It is a difficult topic that must be handled in a sensitive manner.Give him time. In the meantime there are many birth control methods you can use to avoid pregnancy.
Oh please, why would you ask him to get surgery so you won't have more kids, you're the one whose life is at risk here, go and tie your own womb, i mean anything could happen, if God forbid you die, won't your husband move on with his life? What happens then? I don't blame the man. Its your own life, husband or not, you need to take charge and stop waiting on one man to tie his "jewels" for you!!
she should go for a permanent birth control method and bring the issue up at a much later time and also back everything up with prayers
She needs to put herself in her husband's shoes. She's asking to alter his manhood! HA!
There are MANY birthcontrol methods that wifey can undergo, without going under the knife. I'd advice her to employ one or more of those, for now, and just allow hubby to chill, and of course don't starve him of sex, in the bid to punish.
After he's calmed down, discuss with him again. Discuss other options for more children - Adoption, for example. He has to understand the 'consequences' of you getting pregnant again. He must love you enough to not want to put you in danger... I believe.
I don't know what happens if after al this, he still doesn't agree...
Hmmm, I know this may sound bad but I think the husband is being unreasonable. I mean he said he would "not use protection to reduce the risk of pregnancy". And this is someone who has been told the risks involved in his wife getting pregnant again. All this talk about crown jewels is a very annoying.
Abeg the woman that has been told that she can not have anymore children you think she is happy. Off course she is not (A woman who cannot have a child is not looked well upon in our society) but she has put it into perspective that she already has two and she even has boys again. What more can she do. Now she has also been told that getting her tubes tied is a serious procedure and that her husband should think of doing a procedure that is minor and also in some cases reversible. So I do not see why he has an issue with this.
I have heard of a lot of people getting their vasectomy reversed. If God forbid she passes away. He would still have the opportunity to have children with the person he is with next.
But getting angry and telling her that he would not get a vasectomy or that he would not use protection to reduce the risk is a really selfish move. He needs to sit down and think. Does he want a wife who is around to look after their kids or does he want more children who are motherless because of his way of thinking.
He should also think about it this way. If he has sister who has this same issue and his brother in law wants to go ahead and continue to act like their is no issue (problem) and not taking precautions (such as condoms or a vasectomy) that is going to protect her life. How would he feel.
eya!
They can discuss other options like mirena, IUD, injections, pills etc.
Alice should talk to Wale about her fears, when they are both calm.
All hope is not lost
Olusimeon, you dey claim first..where is your advice? lol
On first thought, I considered that he was probably just nervous about the surgery and that's why he made that illicit comment. The thought of doing a surgery to prevent more kids is scary.
But one other thing that caught my eye was that Alice says she wondered about his faithfulness during her last pregnancy...THIS STATEMENT CHANGES EVERYTHING. This again is an issue of TRUST between a husband and a wife. If trust is absent, there's a big problem and I don't know how to solve that problem. I can only pray the TRUTH is found out about his faithfulness...that's like a major statement yo!
I just read nitty-gritty's statement...I don't support going for IUD without telling your husband first. You married him, you guys owe it to each other to be honest with yourselves. And when you hide such a thing from him, that my friend, would be the beginning of a marriage failure (although I reject such for you).
I am with MPD on this one. Please read her comment very well. Getting a surgical procedure should be a last resort. There are birth control pills that are almost 100% effective (combined with physical barriers).
Oh someone said vasectomy can be reversed, so research it and help your husband understand. Always remember that getting angry at your spouse won't help your relationship progress. Don't reciprocate with harsh words, try to be gentle with every thing you say (yeah, easier said than done but doable).
Finally, like Dee said, just pray and seek the face of God. Something will give if you trust Him.
Ok excuse me if I'm being insensitive, I probably have not grapsed the full implications of my opinion but...
Why doesn't she just get the surgery done herself then?
But I think Auntie is right, he probably is just scared because of his "family jewels". But if he doesn't come around soon she probably should consider getting the surgery done. In the meantime he should go on the pill... I don't think she should count on the pill though...
I agree with Jaycee.IUD, DEPOVERA.
Talk Talk
Communicate
Decide what is important
How close are the couple?
Hmmmm............. She go go die, because her husband wants more kids. What happened to her getting on some other type of birth control? Tube tying is not the only form available to her. she needs to look into in and take charge of her life.
if he won't do it.. there's no way form of persuasion that will work.. i think she should tell someone they both respect.. maybe they can talk some sense into his head and talk out the selfishness cos his wife's life is at risk.. he needs to understand that..
Is everyone overlooking that the man said he would not use any form of birth control? Marriage is a partnership not dating or a fling where she is on her own. Most vasectomy procedures are reversible. The man should face his family responsibilities which includes the health and life of his wife.
read jaycee's comment
full stop
she spoke my mind
It is selfish for the woman to want her hubby to do that procedure?
What if she dies?
And he remarries but is unable to father a child because of the procedure??
Did she think that far ahead???
People die everyday, and people remarry.
Hmmmmm......
Ok first i have seen a tubal ligation and i have seen a vasectomy and hands down a vasectomy is a 'simpler' procedure.
However in this case the one whose life is at stake is the WOMAN.
Yes it is a marriage.
Yes a marriage is a partnership.
But she cannot force him to do something he doesn't want to and true, true if she gets pregnant again and dies in the course of the pregnancy she will just leave her children to the care (or no care) of the new wife her husband will marry (cuz he will definitely remarry)
In all the vasectomies i have seen NOT ONE of them was a black man. His refusal might be partly due to ignorance because a lot of men fear reduced libido and such after such procedures.
Yes they are a couple and for the sake of their marriage they should still discuss the matter BUT this is HER LIFE that is on the line here.
Ok so this is my problem with folks of now a days, So ready to cause commotion when there is no need for it.
I’m sorry to say but how did you guys get past, Birth control pills, IUD, Dipovera etc even getting your own tubes tied since you are the affected one to vasectomy?
As in, I still can’t get past the fact that you people skipped all the simpler methods and are so ready to clip and nip your bodies.
that was my first thought while reading this - the guy was just really nervous.
others have mostly has said my mind..just get an IUCD, protect urself, that's most important..
am sure it's d suspicion of unfaithfulness that made u fell so bad..relax, am sure he didnt mean to hurt you.. but you guys need to deal with your trust issues(it's imperative
Dont know what to say....if the tables were turned and I had to tie my tubes so the man doesnt face a certain risk...hmmm....lets see. My initial reaction will be defensive of course....
I agree with most of the commentators, at first when I was reading I thought his reaction was extreme but on second read maybe not, it seems more of an instant reaction of fear and not borne out of him not loving her enough or being inconsiderate.
That reminds me Mrs Sydelle, what happened to the TTEC of the young girl that was almost ruining a marriage because of papers. You didn't give us the part 2 and that definitely intrigued me.
I think he's just nervous of surgery. I think he meant he could have more babies with his wife in case the doctor got it wrong about the risks to her. Please enjoy both your kids and don't let this destroy your marriage.
My Lord! Human beings amaze me...
I must be strange...for real...
Why is this even a discussion? This is so TRIVIAL...
You are fighting over your LIFE?????
How do human beings get to be such egosists?
Anyway...let me get to the matter...even thinking about it is irritating.
Do what you can to avoid getting pregnant. Like many people suggested, there are other methods available today that can ensure that you do not get pregnant. There is no need for you to risk your life again since you have already been through so much.
As for the big head, let him keep his penis, if it means so much to him. His ego is something he needs to check though...if I were you, I would be more worried about his character as a human being than his unfaithfulness...
Your life is more important and all these other issues are really nothing if you really take things into perspective...you should be lucky you are living in a country where you can actually prevent these kind of terrible tragedies. Imagine many women all over the world that die when it could so easily could have been prevented.
Just take care of your self and thank the universe that you are one of the lucky ones that gets to save her own life. Imagine going to give birth expecting the happiest day of your life, only to die...now, that would be a tragedy...
@Yetunde: As a woman, I take serious offence to this phrase of yours:
"that she already has two and she even has boys again"
What is that supposed to mean? "even boys"...so if they were girls, it would have been an issue?
At this day and age! God forbid bad thing!
There are many things that have made me lose faith in Nigerian men, and unfortunately, this is just icing on that cake. Like Waffarian said, why is this even a discussion? We're talking about her LIFE for goodness' sake. Everyone knows that vasectomies are reversible, but it is an even bigger sign that he does not understand that marriage is about give and take. His wife took up the responsibility of carrying those babies for 9 months each, and almost lost her life in the process. I would go so far as to infer that the doctor probably mentioned other means of protection in that discussion and those means were probably shot down by one member of the couple. It could also be that some of the other methods could/have caused problems or interfered with processes in the woman's body and the doctor advised against them.
Bottom line is: We don't know all that the doctor told them, and it's understandable that the man was feeling vulnerable about the procedure. But it is this type of attitude that leads to Nigerians dying from preventable medical issues because of some stupid ego trip or other archaic so-called cultural or traditional belief. To show his support of his wife he needs to do something. It is not easy for a woman to know that she cannot have a child herself if she wants to. Frankly, if older members of either family hear about this he would be blamed if anything happens to his wife. That's all from me.
Post a Comment