Happy Friday, everyone. I got another email related to what seems to be an issue many can identify with. Anyway, read along and please share your constructive advice and suggestions. There are quite a few people and names involved in this issue.
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I am an avid reader of your blog, especially your help section where readers get to chime in on issues. It seems today, I am the one in need of some advice.
I read your post on househelps and was talking to my cousin Ajike about it. In fact, I was at her place and made her read it. When she was done, we discussed the matter and gisted about all the people we think might have slept with their housegirls. During the conversation, I said something like "I would never see something like that happen and not say something about it." Well, Ajike looked at me and asked what I would do if my brother was sleeping with our housegirl, Patience. I told her I would tell my parents and make sure he stopped sleeping with her, after all Tilewa is 25 and Patience if 14.
That is how Ajike then informed me that my brother Tilewa actually slept with another housegirl we had many years ago. Her name was Kudirat. I was young at the time and my brother must have been 15 or 16. Kudirat was older than him, I know that for a fact. Ajike told me that her brother made my brother sleep with Kudirat so as to 'disvirgin' him. Apparently, her brother was disvirgined by their housegirl as well.
I do not know what to think and it has been hard to even talk to my big brother. I can't believe he and Bola would do such things. And from what Ajike says, both Bola and Tilewa slept with Kudirat several times. Now I think about it, it is no wonder she seemed to leave so suddenly all those years ago. Ajike says that Bola (her brother) has always had a habit of sleeping with their family's help. When I asked her what her parents thought, she said her mother has always just brushed the matter aside and told them not to tell their father. It doesn't seem like her mother or even her (Ajike) is very worried about the matter.
Should I confront my brother? I mean, I don't think he would do it again, but I just feel weird knowing about this and being silent. Maybe I should just let bygones be bygones. But, I have a 16 year old brother, and I cannot help but worry that Tilewa (who has always gotten into trouble) will try and have the same thing happen to Akin, my little brother. We have a housegirl in our house (Patience) who is 14. She is like a little sister to me and I would never want her to go through that. Ajike tells me that it is normal for young guys to sleep with househelps, it is a way for them to 'practice'. But, maybe I have just been too sheltered because it doesn't seem right at all.
Please help.
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34 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Hehehe
Kai
How did kola beat me again!
Ahn
Ahn
Was so sure I'd be first
Off to read
I think you should talk to Tilewa about his past actions, stopping him from corrupting Akin might not be that easy especially if Akin thinks he is cool and sees him as a mentor.
Kola!
I'm convinced. You live here.
Of course its not right!
The most important thing is to protect the current house girl. You need to be more vigilant, and perhaps have some discussions with her.
The kind of discussions you would have with your younger sister to warn her against men who may try to take advantage of her.
You may not want to bring your younger brother's name into it though...
Caveat: My snicker above has nothing to do with the post as with the fact that I made it before anyone else. This is my fifth week in the first spot, right? I'm trying to make it to the seventh, and then I'll retire.
As per the case at hand, I would say that this is one of the most underreported cases of domestic abuse in (but not limited to) Nigerian homes with househelps. I have heard countless stories of people whose first sexual experiences were with househelps - boys or girls - when they were too naive to resist, to enjoy or even to know what it is all about. Their reactions when they eventually grow up is also very different, depending on the gender of the victim. I have met a boy who was defiled by an older househelp at the age of 14 or younger but who grew up with a fantasy of meeting her again for a rematch. I don't know how it works for women in that position. However, if the housegirl (of a far older age) had been caught doing that on the child of the house when her mother is away, it calls for severe reprimand.
Too much grammar!
What I mean to say is that it happens a lot of times in many homes and it is underreported because of power relations. If the housegirl is the victim, she is often too powerless to speak. If the boys of the house are the victim, they are enjoying it too much to want it to end. So no one knows until later in life - if they choose to disclose it. (In many cases it is consensual, although this fact won't save the perpetrator in a court of law - the main reason being that the older one of the partners had a responsibility to protect the younger one.)
Now 25 year old to 14 year old is a very large gap. My advice is that she keeps an eye on her brother. But will she succeed? I don't know. She might speak to the housegirl and warn her of the dangers of spending too much time with the boys. She could also give her lessons on STD and protection. In most cases, if the girl will have sex, she will - maybe not even with her brother. So it is better to take pains to educate them all on the risks involved. She might also want to warn her brother of the dangers of underage sex. (I don't know if this is punishable in Nigeria though - which is part of the problem.)
But what if they were both 25 years old, the sex is consensual, and one is a housegirl. Would it still be wrong? I have no answer to this one.
Have a nice weekend.
ive neva liked d idea of helps and cnt stand one. nt afta one became my step mum. *hiss*. send d gurl bk to her pple.
i think she should talk to her brother, its just not right and there is the tendency for such acts to continue seeing that its already become a trend. the fact that nobody knows or nobody has confronted him before definitely empowers him to keep sleeping with house girls, it doesnt matter that its with or without consent, its not right.
now there's a small girl involved now, warn the girl, without necessarily mentioning ur brother's name but do talk to ur brother, sometimes we just need another voice assides our concience to convict us.
Talk to your brother oh!!! and protect the girl
Love the new look
I think she needs to talk to her brothers because even if she talks to the girl, she would be powerless when any if them come after her...particularly if it is in a home where parents also condone such practices like in the case of her friends, and if her brothers do not listen maybe she could try tell her mum, who is in a better position to talk to her children.
Once again, congratulations kola!
This story is showing a really disturbing trend. Exploitation and abuse for the victim, usually an innocent employee. Even if it's the kids in the house, it's still very sad and wrong.
I think the writer should talk about it. The friend's mother chose to sweep it under the carpet, which was a very wrong approach. If something is not right and we choose to keep quiet, we become part of the problem.
PS: I like your new look :)
She should let the past go.But if its about the present househelp, she should investigate and then confront him.
My take on it though.
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Thank you so much
Hi, you are correct that it does not seem right at all. The househelp is a person like you and I and is probably circumstances that made her be in that position.
Many have made mistakes out of ignorance. Your brother may probably be in such a situation because he didnt know better.
You can still decide to speak with him about what has happened and what is (or could be happening), but in a way of making him realize that he can be forgiven totally. He also needs to understand that it is someone (who could be called his sister) that he has taken advantage of.
He can also get emotional healing if he is feeling guilty about the incident.
He might just be the instrument to make Bola change.
i think you should talk to your brother....let him understand that you are not questioning him and its the past and that you understand that Bola made him do it....but you really want to know, what he thinks about it, if he could even think to do the same thing to your lil brother...and from there you can gauge how he feels about the whole situation...if he thinks its nothing, u might want to talk to Akin about why he should never do anything like that
Practice????
Practice???????
A way for them to PRACTICE?????
We need better laws in Nigeria this is utter rubbish.
It is a way for them to practice ko.
Mschewwwwwwww
I think she needs to discuss with her older brother o!
before her younger brother becomes scapegoat.
Practice indeed!
@Fabulo-la, I was shocked too oh. You know, the housies would be enjoying it (sey them don sleep with junior oga :( )
Please, she should speak to the boy. And she should try not to be judgemental because that never works. Just lovingly explain why she thinks he should not be 'practicing' on little girls!!!
Before reading anybody's answer I have to address this issue:
Ajike tells me that it is normal for young guys to sleep with househelps, it is a way for them to 'practice'.
Did Ajike seriously say they use them to "practice"??? As in they are not human beings enough with thoughts/feelings/emotions etc... that they can be used at their "masters" mercy for "practice"??? Another woman talking about another woman this way? What is with us?
I am so appalled I don't think I can offer constructive advice... I'll just have to read the comments. Le Sigh.
I totally agree with Neefemi. Thee past is the past so she shouldn't be confrontational with her brother... What he did is nothing other than sexual abuse and is disgusting- but if she comes down hard on him, he might shut her out and she will never be able to solve the main problem at hand which is the possible involvement of her younger brother. The whole thing is deplorable. The saddest part is that these girls might be feeding their entire families with the meagre salaries they receive and so feel too trapped to speak out... Yes, there are some evil ones like Fragile looks mentioned BUT the helpless ones should not be abandoned for their sake.
I really dont get this competition to be 1st to post a comment.
@Royal I don't get it either.
this is really sad o...pls talk to ur elder brother because from what you have said he might just corrupt your younger brother..
what is this world turning into... cuz this one that your mum and Ajike don't think anything is wrong with what your brother and Bola did is beyond me.
am too angry/sad/shocked to say any other thing..but pls confront your brother and warn him well well.
and yes pls advice your house girl as you would your younger sister...
I would talk to my brother about it, not in an accusatory way but i would try to make him see why what they did was wrong.
I would also advise the househelp and give her some sex education.
You know and you should do something abou tit and not just be quiet!
am with Kola here o
P.S: but sha if na me be Tilewa & my younger sister decides to pokenose into my business, esp one dat is long gone, hmmm wahala she dey find, wahala she go get o!
What about if the househelp actually wanted it? If it was rape or force, then of course its wrong...but have any of you considered both parties wanted it?
And I don't think the OP has any right going to dig up the past and confront the older brother. She heard it from gossip, its past, and all parties have moved on. Its just my opinion anyways.
young males sleeping with househelps
hmmmmm
I think she should pull the househelp aside and let her know that if ANYONE AT ALL comes at her in an unwholesome way, she has the right to fight back, and she should absolutely come and tell the author. Her brother gets the benefit of the doubt, but the househelp too needs to know that she doesn't have to grin and bear anything. The second he so much as playfully slaps her nyash, she needs to come to the author, who should take it to their father at that point.
1. TTTEC is getting tough ooo
2. Who is this Kola person who is always #1
3. wow about the post: i really don't have any advice
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