It turns out that I got this question because I am married to a non-Nigerian. I think you guys will have some valuable advice to share as well, so please read and share your thoughts.
Thanks!
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I am an Italian married to a Nigerian living in England. I met my husband years ago when he came to Italy to visit and aunt of his. We communicated for months and he would come visit me whenever he could. In no time, we fell in love, I moved to England and we got married.
His family has been very kind to me. Even though I am oyinkbo, I was accepted fully and his father loves me. I think it is because my husband only has brothers. So, being that I am the first daughter in law, he treats me like he would his daughter.
The problem I face is with some of my family members. Even though I have been married for over 4 years, many insist on saying hurtful things about Nigerians. Never about my husband though, at least not to my face. Anytime there is a news story back home involving Nigerians, I get an email from one relative or the other telling me what "those Nigerians" have done again and warning me to be careful being that I spend a lot of time with my husband's friends and family.
It is ridiculous! because of their attitudes, the last time we went to Salerno I made sure we did not spend the night. I was worried that someone would say something rude. I faced some opposition when it was announced that I would be marrying Peter, but my mother, my father and siblings supported me. My grandmother was vehemently against it and it seems she leads a contingency of family members who will do everything to make my life uncomfortable.
I make sure my husband does not hear about this, as it is very embarrassing, but I believe he is beginning to suspect, if he is not aware already. I do not like confrontations but I know that something must be done. I am expecting our first child and I cannot imagine having to not interact with many of my family members during the pregnancy and afterward. But I worry that news of my pregnancy will only cause more problems.
Please help.
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32 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Back!
2nd!
Toughen up and tell your family to go eat garri on top of a mountain. if people are too ignorant to respect your family then they can NOT be a part of it...and that includes some nigerian family members that might not be as accepting as his immediate family.
Choose yourself and your husband and your new child. Anybody else can like to waka.
but then again what do i know.
cheers
Ugh! Kola!
2nd!
This happens in a decent amount of inter-racial marriages.
1)Let your husband's character set him apart from their myopic view of 'Nigerians'; hopefully they do notice his character.
2)Try your best to speak about why your husband is who he is..
3) If they will not listen, marry your husband and pay deaf ears to their pessimism. Of course they are your family and you love and interact with them but let them know their boundaries when your husband is involved.
4) Re-assure your husband that those are not YOUR VIEWS about him.
Good luck!
Well let me first congratulate her on following her heart and marrying Peter. Also, she is very lucky to have found a good naija man, they are rare.
As far as people's comments and all that, let's be honest Nigerians are not exactly holding the best reputation around the globe. Hell, I'm Nigerian and I still think of 'those Nigerians'.
Best she can do is to put her foot down and make sure her family members don't disrespect her hubby and concentrate on her family and the baby that's coming.
Oh, and I'd be careful with the numerous Nigerian friends and in-laws. What? Bite me. I'm half Urhobo and I don see wetin dem dey take oyinbo eye see. Don't be paranoid, just don't be a fool. That piece of advice goes to anyone mixing with foreigners. It's just life.
Nigerians are very good people all in all. Wish you the best of luck.
Love is enduring and her story is inspiring - the lengths she'd go to to keep her husband from knowing what her family thinks. That, I think, might be enough to keep their marriage on the path of success. It will take time, but the family will come through in the end.
From the title, I initially thought you were actually going on a different route with this post. Today on twitter, the number 2 trending topic was #welcometoNigeria. And in only a few minutes, a golden opportunity to say something good about ourselves to the world quickly passed us by as the tweets turned to bad, to ugly, and then to ludicrous. All negatives, and very little positives.
No, we Nigerians are our own worst enemies - much of the time not in what we do, but in what we say or in the way we see ourselves.
I wish your writer the best in her marriage. It will be difficult, but she will triumph if she keeps her faith in her husband's love. That's all that matters, I think.
Hey hey Temite. Where did u enter from?
Gosh this is so different; it's like seeing it from another side of the pond. It's usually the Nigerians pulling this kind of stunt.
Here’s the way I see it: Get your knickers and battle face ready cos it's gonna be tough. I can’t paint it rosy for you. I think it would take a long while to get your family…and even friends on board. Frankly, it's only the strength of your love and commitment to Peter and your marriage that may eventually pull them on board.
I think you should focus now on building a strong marriage foundation with Peter. A foundation that would weather any storm…because tomorrow it may not be your family it would be something else.
My brother is married to a non-Nigerian too; 8 years now and they dated for 5 years before they got married. Still it took years for my Parents to come on board. It was their commitment to each other that really did it. Even after 13 years and 2 kids, their love embarrasses me in public!
It's really about you and Peter now; your folks would join in…eventually. Just build and defend your love now. You’ll be just fine.
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Back at Mrs Solo’s class…Dee is still frazzled and in wonderment @ Kola Tubosun’s weekly first place status
She raises her hand frantically again; eureka! she’s figured it out!
“Teesssha Teeesha Mrs Solo, aaaah I know now! Kola, yes ma, the one in front of the class…in addition to the odu, e get internet winsh wey dey tell am efffy time you post! Shikena!”
i would say give ur family alot of space. just focus on ur new family esp now that u r expecting an addition.
however let them know that u r unhappy with their attitude. hopefully, they'll come around and get in with the program.
I heard of an european lady whose family members also vehemently refused to allow her marry a Nigerian.
YOu husband must already know your families feelings towards him, you have to make them realise that He now your family and future and they have to respect him if they want to be a part of your future. It's a hard choice to make but once your family does not respect your partner, then they do not respect you.
LMAO@ Dee...that class scene was hilarious...lol.
I think Dee sums it up for me...your ability to stand up for each other no matter what, would do the trick, and even if your family NEVER warms up to him...bottom line is, from my understanding of marriage, he and your kids come first...so just keep having his back and i hope things turn out better with time
u are married now so cleave to your hubby..this is YOUR family now. hopefully with time your people will see the love u have for each other and respect that.
always hold your husband in high esteem. they will have no choice but to respect him.
am not sure they will come round over night but with time things should change.
all da best
there will always be suspicion when it comes to interracial maraige, it is due to ignorance which is passed from generation to generation, so i do not believe there will ever be a solution. your people may come around in time, maybe not, but hey, you have chosen your bed, so u have to learn to lie in it and at the same time also hold your own family close to heart. at least your opposition comes from ur grandmother. my friend who is nigerian and married to an Irish woman has a different story. her mother has disowned her and has vowed never to speak to her, because she has 'stained\ the family line! they have a child now, her fatherhas being to see his grandchild, her brother has come also, but the mum says her daughter is dead to her as such she does not recognise the grandchild!
You say your parents and siblings support you. That's fine as they're the only ones who matter. Your kid would get to know his cousins on both sides and teach him/her both cultures. And when baby arrives those other family members may come round. But don't worry too much. You guys live in England so they can't visit too much and interfere.
Congratulations with the new baby. As he/she grows, your relatives may see him/her as the new Obama and would come round. Don't worry.
i like dis Peter o. dude is representing! e for bad if say upon all d evils dem dey heap on top all nigerians, d man come dey mizcaphone. but as nwa nna dey behave himself, abeg madam face ur husband forget wetin all others dey yarn. it's not like every single person in a family will always like an in-law.
they r not disrespecting ur husband (@ least to his face), not so? ehen. if they said 'those Nigerians did', u might as well start furthering emails abt d crimes of Italians. abi, Italians no dey do bad things?
hmmm. dis one i wrote in pidgin, will d lady understand it? ok, someone pls translate!
Nakedsha and Dee have said it all.
build an enviable foundation for ur marriga and your family will have no choice but to come around..
There are decent, God-fearing, faithful, caring nigerian men and all around, they are disproving the 'typical Nigerian man' theories.
Seriously...this is not a biggy...Your hubby can handle it! like a song says..."Nkan to ba wu anybody lo le fenu won so" It means they are entitled to their opinion albeit wrong!
Maybe you should have a heart to heart talk with your nana and hope she comes around...having said that it's only a matter of time before they realise your marriage is here to stay!
All the best.
I suggest the writer ignores the mails or taunts as part of life and ignores them. If she had married an italian whom her family didn't like, they would have found something to talk about too. No race or nationality are saints so she should just nurture her relationship and leave the naysayers.
It must be energy sapping to have to keep fighting the same battles over and over again. You can't control what they say but showing that you won't put up with it will send a strong message not only to them but to your husband and child (when he/she is old enough to know what's going on).
I think even though you don't want to lose contact with your family, for the sake of your own sanity you are going to have to be strict about how much access they have to you. I don't mean that you never speak to your grandma and her group again but that you limit your interactions with them and let them know why you're doing so. If they want to spend time with you they must be respectful of your family. Any sign of derogatory language and you're out the door. When they're ready to back off then you go back to being around them again. Repeat until they get the point.
With the support of the immediate families(which you have) you have no problem.
btw, I ♥ this blog
THE KING IS BACK!!! Kola men, I dey fear before o, but now I no say end time no reach... How you no go first? Abi Jesus want come back tomorrow?
I think this is really sad but the truth is that we Nigerians do the same thing to spouses from other nationalities/races as well... Even within the country sef...
Children tend to heal the divide, though. I know my grandmother despised my dad cos he was yoruba until I was born. Hopefully, once the baby comes, the families can unite over this new life instead of bitching about where half of it came from... At least they can't think their own grandchild is one of "those Nigerians", can they?
P.S. Didnt realise SSD was married to a a non-Nigerian o... Interesting... E get brother or cousin? :) ***hides face in shame***
This is totally saddening..
But you have to show your family that they shouldn't judge all Nigerians by what they hear (including your new family)
Could be difficult but you have to stand up to them and yes involve your husband positively that is if he is the understanding type slow to bear grudges but quick to prove himself..
if it fails, choose your new family, your family will definitely come around..
take care
It's really sad that this woman's family is so unsupportive of her marriage to one of "those Nigerians" but I think the best thing is to stand up and make them realize that her husband is a big part of her family now and he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Now that she's pregnant, she has even more to fight for.
:)
xoxo
and this Kola is back at #1
i guess this is the first issue today in the last 10 posts i've read that i actually can offer a smidgen of advice.
it has already been touched upon but He is your family now but your past is still a part of u
1. don't try defending Nigerians, don't entertain their arguments, you will NOT convince them.
2. they will only be swayed by the love your share and the way you treat and raise your children
3. let them know that you love Him and they need to respect that and keep that junk to themselves. i don't know if setting an ultimatum would work and if hanging the phone would help but you don't have to tolerate negative opinions each time to communicate with family
good luck
Erm.. racism.. why are we surprised?
Maybe she should call a family meeting and scold all of them. It might help
Ignore your family but make it clear......
love me,love my dog or no dice(your hubby no be dog o-no vex)
my mum always says if you profess to love a person ,you just have to love everything/one that person loves....else no dice
and Thank the Lord our brother is representing
though i'm sure all the great italian cooking he gets from you does helps him stay in line.......(just kidding)
We can't just label it racism or ask her to ignore the comments from her family members...
While they probably already know (somewhere in the back of their minds) that Peter is not just one of those Nigerians, they may have to be reminded. A confrontation doesn't have to be a stern-faced word battle.
It can be a very soothing response to one of the emails, letting the sender know that she appreciates their concern, but she's married to one of the best Nigerians in the world (Lol), and they have nothing to worry about. Besides, her superman won't let any of those other Nigerians do anything to harm her. (Or something like that).
It's natural for your family members to 'care', they just need to know when it becomes more hurt than care. That should hit a spot. I think...
that includes some nigerian family members that might not be as accepting as his immediate family.
home based data entry
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