I have been promising to give updates on past TTTEC issues but have failed to do so. Well, today, I have an update for you all. Remember, "A Father's Infidelity"? Well I contacted 'Joke' and here's what she has to say...
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Thanks so much for checking up on me. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond but my life has been crazy since the last time we chatted.
I spoke to my oldest sister and shared my suspicions. This lead to a big argument with her asking me what good it would do telling mommy so close to the party. I told her I couldn't keep quiet and well, she got upset and hung up on me.
I prayed very hard about things and the spirit told me to tell my mother about my suspicions. I told her 2 nights before, over the phone. She reigned insults on my head and told me that I need to mind my business. By the day of the party, it seemed my siblings all knew and they all gave me the cold shoulder. My mother seemed on top of the world, as if nothing had happened and she looked to be having the time of her life.
Once the party ended, I didn't hear from my mommy. My oldest sister, however, called me three days later to give me a piece of her mind. According to her, I destroyed the anniversary party and am the reason why our parents are fighting. Apparently, the night of the party, my mother and father got into a shouting match. It seems she had always known and had previously told him not to take any of the children with him when he went to meet his mistress. My pronouncement to her confirmed that my father had not followed the rules or something.
I'm just so overwhelmed by the whole situation. My father and mother are not speaking to me. My siblings are very cold with me. Christmas was horrible. I felt like a stranger in my house. My friend says I should just apologize to my parents, but I don't know. My mother has always been a very vengeful person, quick to anger and arguments. Right now, I am stressed trying to find a new job and
I don't know if I can take all of that on. What's done is done.
I miss having my family the way it was, but I could not live a lie. I know you were very clear in your instructions on how to handle things, and yes, I didn't follow all of them, but, again, what's done is done.
Thank you for your help. Thanks to your readers as well. I recently read over their comments again and in retrospect, I probably should have listened to their advice and warnings.
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I actually have a few more updates, including one of a nasty email I got, but I will save that for next week. My question is, considering the results, do you think she should have simply kept quiet about this situation?
36 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
First!
Well what is done is done!
Eventually they will all come around.I pray!
I still think she took the decision that works for her. Time will smooth things out, after all, her mum has been living with this for how long?
oops! i missed the original story but i got the jest alright! SILENCE THEY SAY IS GOLDEN! BUT the mum should had acted more maturely by having a face to face talk ,letting her know she knew all along & had accepted it as her fate & reassured her it is well! She told her family out of concern & love for her mother. WELL, they say time heals . It would soon be water under the bridge! Tell her to let things run his course!
I think the mother is clearly not acting her age. They are both adults and the mother should be wise enough to have a mature talk about the situation with her daughter. I think the mother is just embarrassed at the whole thing and is not handling it well.
wow. i missed the first story. just read it now. we are different people. some can keep quiet and some cant. if she felt deep within her- she said she prayed and the spirit told her- then she took the right decision. the truth is bitter. the situation at home will get better eventually. and i feel it will even bring her closer to her folks in the long run. why turn the other way? i will do what she did. if not, how can i stand to see my dad act so loving and caring towards mama when i know he is cheating? that will even make me feel all men are that way, and i will take that thinking into my own relationship and it might harm me.
bottom line, she did the right thing.
Only just read the story... WOW... It must be a horrible position in which to find yourself... I think she did the right thing. Maybe not at the right time but it was better that way. Her family is only angry with her for rocking the boat; they are in denial. How come no one is even interested in questioning the father? I guess na so our culture be, the man is blameless. She should hang in there sha. This trying time will pass.
this is exactly why i was against she talking to her mom!!!!! personal experience have tot me to butt out of other pple's marriage, even my parents. for like a whole year my dad & i ddnt speak to each other cos i got involved in a issue between him & mom.
sha, let her ride it out. family is always family. with time, things will mend itself. It took my giving birth for my dad & i to reconcile!
It might be difficult but it is good that she said something, I believe if you truly feel that you must speak up, not speaking up is the very worst thing you can do. Her family will get over it eventually. And under no circumstances should she apologize, for why?
Well, when my bro suspected my father of cheating (he heard a voicemail sha- lol) my mom asked my brother and he confirmed. My mother did not get angry at us children for telling her. In fact, she called us near, and spoke with us. She never took her anger out on us.
My point is that you can never really know how people will react to being told their spouse is cheating on them. Some will get angry, while others will not take out their anger on the messenger. The girl did what was right to HER and that's all that matters. Keep your head up. Your family will come around soon. At least you now know how to handle this situation should it arise again! (Do not tell YOUR family o!- lesson learned)
I guess this is the kind of thing we'd have to deal with for feel like the 'shrinks' of blogville. Lol.
But on a serious note though, maybe there should be a disclaimer, or some way of letting people know that it's just advice... I mean, in situations like the one you mentioned about someone sending you a nasty email. (I'm looking out for that one).
I don't think you should stop doing what you're doing here though, because I'm sure that you've helped at least 5 people tremendously (a very low estimate).
I pray that things work out for Joke and her family.
Hello,
I think I made the most strident case against meddling with a relationship that had been in existence for more than twice her age.
I suggested the relationship that mattered was hers not her parents'.
The idea that she was lead by the spirit after prayer is interesting since it appeared she was already determined to tell her mother anyhow.
Now, she has to live with the consequences - what is not your business is just not your business - in my view, whilst I am unhappy about my parents relationship, I'll rather have my mother and my father than stir up their marital animosities; it is just not my business at all.
A lesson learnt and one for the others who still think she did the right thing - She didn't.
Regards,
Akin
@ Akin, I don't agree. TTTEC readers gave advice and Joke choose the path that she felt comfortable with. Unfortunately there have been negative results but that is not an objective reflection on her actions. Your opinion is just that...your opinion. In another family setting the outcome would have been different.
I don't know if she did the best thing for her family (since she would know her family pretty well) but I'm sure that within her, she feels a sort of relief for letting it out. I honestly don't know what I would do in her shoes but like Myne Whitman said, time would smoothen things out.
And if her mother knew all along, why is she vexing for her child? I mean, her child didn't first disclose it.
Truth is they will come around... It is for the greater good
i commented on the first story and told her that her mum obviously knows that her father has another child.that said..her family is really acting very childish..so they'd rather she shut up and live a lie?you are celebrating anniversary when the man didnot keep his vows?mschewwww.
abeg, she should give them the cold shoulder too and ignore them..apologise to which mother?please just ignore her...shes the one who has decided to live a lie.dont get sucked into that kinda life.
Her mother is definitely not acting her age. Taking her anger out on her child instead of her cheating husband, that is messed up.
Right now Joke should worry about herself and her life. Leave your parents. I'm sure its easier said than done, but she needs to try and ignore her family's general madness. Its typical Nigerian attitude to live in denial and anyone who rocks that boat gets castigated for it. She needs to be her own person and leave them to do whatever they want. She can't let them know they are getting to her. Easier said than done, I know.
I think the what the mother is doing is very wrong, she shouldn't turn her back on her. Anyway Joke just has to be patient until when her family realises what they are doing is wrong,hopefully soon.
Is it bad if i say i told you so...women know, not just Naija woman, all over the world they know, but they sign a contract with their husbands and most men abide by the rule...if i were u i would have milked my dad for all its worth like i said earlier...but what is done is done...you don't need to apologize to no one, just do your thing they will come back around...they are still family
@CaramelID,
I voiced my opinion and stand by my opinions, all the 3 I have made on this matter.
I still see a tendency to idealise and expect Nigerian marital relationships to conform Western standards and norms.
Like someone said, we have rotten traditions that require people don't rock the boat, she did and well, whilst she might have been vindicated in other societies, she is vilified in the one in which she belongs.
Things should change for a more objective and truthful assessment of issues like this, but her supposed martyrdom for the truth whilst laudable denies the reality that things are just not perfect no matter how good our intentions.
This again, is a matter of opinion.
Regards,
Akin
Joke, I dont see why anybody (YOUR PARENTS INCLUDED) should make you feel like you did anything wrong or put the whole blame on your head.
1. it was your father that cheated, if anyone should be taking the blame, its him.
2. your mom knew about it already, you just confirmed what she knew.
I think its all a defense mechanism by everyone. parents dont like to look like they are in the wrong. They are mad at you for rocking the boat.
Really sucks when you aren't in the good books of the family.. Being family,With time it will all work out..
Time heals everything..
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Lesson learnt. Some secrets are meant to be kept forever. No matter how weighty.
Isn't it so sad how deep in denial her mother is?
This is basically the story of the Nigerian marriage - keep up appearances at all costs.
We all knew this would happen. What really sucks here is how much Nigerian women are willing to cheat themselves and suffer for the hollow prize of answering "Mrs".
Disgusting is what this whole thing is.
@Akin: How is it now just a matter of Western traditions.
YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES. And pathetic ones at that. You are MAKING EXCUSES for this man to be allowed to cheat on his wife in the name of tradition.
TRADITION MY FOOT!!!! In fact, TRADITION MY ASS!!! A VOW is a VOW. If you make a vow then you sure as hell MUST KEEP THAT VOW unless you are an pig without honour. Stop making excuses for stupid, WEAK, VILE Nigerian men who cannot even respect such a simple concept as their word being their bond.
And it IS this girl's business because this is HER FAMILY!
This is not a matter of tradition. Nor is a matter of polygamy. Even in a polygamous marriage a man must be faithful to HIS WIVES!!!
I'm sorry, yeah it's your opinion and you're entitled to it but as far as agreeing with you on this, well call me a monkey's uncle but fuck that, I think your standpoint stinks.
See what the annoying justification of the shameless excesses of Nigerian men has caused!!!!
I actually said "AN PIG"
Correction: A PIG.
old saying goes - what's done in the dark; always comes to the light.
it would have come out, but she angered her mom by making her seem somehow smarter than her mom. she should have been happy to know the secret, but if she wanted to talk to her mom about it or her dad then okay. but not her sibblings because this was bound to cause them to be hurt. this is an ugly family secret and one of deep cultural bias. in certain cultures children know if the other mother/sister/wife. yet in some situations the wife wants to have an illusion that she is the only wife; when everyone knows that the husband is with others as well.
the child is the one who was truly hurt and confused by the parents lack of honestly. the father should have never taken the daughter there if he and his wife had an agreement; as the wife knew what may happen down the line. apparently her words came to light.
they need to come together as a family and sort it out instead of blaming the sister. she is the most victimized of them all in this. and still they continue to victimize her. crazy and love starved people behave this way. anyone with any humility would know better.
my people make me so sad sometimes. I can say that because I was the second wife in my first marriage. after the divorce, which is rare in traditional yoruba marriages; I remarried, to someone who shared my beliefs in a more honest relationship. no more secrets is the best policy.
Telling the truth to people can be so hard. Feel so sorry for Joke
She did what she had to do. I hope they come around soon. The truth hurts sometimes :(
Hello again,
In no way have I justified the actions of anyone on this matter. it is just a basic observation of what constitutes facts of life.
Indeed, vows should be vows, and ones word should be ones bond - it is however fantasy to believe that many adhere to those age-old principles.
Why is it that lawyers crowd contracts rather than people being able to shake hands and agree that they have agreed without dissimulation?
There is a perfect and ideal way that we all want and hope for and there is the way of the world.
The strength of emotion with the use of expletives does not detract from fact that experiences in life might just require some adaptation - in this case the parents found ways to adapt around the imperfect and the perfect kid came round to sort it out.
Well, it is all sorted out now - Indeed.
Regards,
Akin
I probably would have done what she did.
Wow, it kinda sucks how it all went down. Put I believe she did the right thing!
i tend to side w/akin... being led by the spirit as she stated led to a lot of discord... which is most certainly not the fruit of the Holy Spirit... there is a way to handle things... ultimately she did what she wanted to do... and must live with the consequences... she is not to blame for the circumstances... we dont exactly know how she relayed the information either that wouldve caused her mother to act in such a way... there are so many factors that come into play... anyways what's done is done... i wish her well w/her family.
Just discovered this blog and I am loving it! You've got a big, big fan in me (-:
Now to ugly babies: 'Cos we ar conditioned by nature to coo at babies and fall for their beautifully toothless smiles and their endearing helplessness, it's difficult to see babies as ugly. I think babies only look ugly in retrospect, (esp in pictures) but never at that moment
wow!!!not ONE person in your house had your back?i can imagine how terrible you feel..i mean this is your blood family and they are blaming you for speaking the truth...my dear i dont know what to say
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