Hey folks!
Do you remember the post Sex, Marriage & God? It was sent in by a guy who was having intimacy problems with his wife.
Well, I got an email from his wife. She was very upset and demanded to know who I was and why I was having email communications with her husband about sex. I considered responding, I thought I owed her an explanation. But, after thinking things through, I quickly realized that me engaging her could only complicate matters further. After all, if she was reading her husband's email (which I presumed), she would soon realize that all communications were initiated by her husband and that at no point had I made any rude comments about her or her relationship.
With that calculation, I deleted the email. I mentioned it to a couple of friends and soon forgot it. However, a few weeks ago, I received another email from her. It now seems that she found this blog, read through the TTTEC installments and found the post concerning her situation. Understandably, she was upset, even more so than her previous email. She said she wanted her post removed and had some choice words for some of the commentators.
As I write this, I am honestly willing to remove the post in question being that it has hurt this woman so much. With the TTTEC series, it has never been my intent to hurt anyone. But clearly, when someone writes about a matter that involves another person, it is highly likely that doing so will actually bring others pain.
Being that TTTEC is not just about me, frankly, you guys do a better job helping to solve these problems, I think it fair to bring this up with you guys. Please consider this a favor to me as I would appreciate your frank opinions. I am willing to remove the Sex, Marriage & God post, but I wonder if I should contact her husband. Honestly, I'm too busy to be dealing with things and if he doesn't know that his wife is reading his emails, I for one am not interested in putting my nose there. Staying out of people's marriages is something I learned through experience.
Anyway, please give me your opinion. As I said, pulling that post down takes nothing on my part. But, a little part of me is honestly upset that instead of dealing with her issues with her husband - i.e. why he would feel the need to contact an anonymous blogger for help - she chooses to send me insulting emails. I'm proud of myself though, I haven't responded.
What do you guys think? Thanks.
56 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
First, just to take up my position!
I think it's quite wise to stay out of it by not responding. You shouldn't have to be bothered by their relationship issues and to be honest, she's a fool if she takes her aggression out on YOU instead of addressing the real issue at hand (her husband's dissatisfaction).
Ha! Kola Tubosun!!!
SSD, I'm proud of you that you haven't responded, cos honestly, I don't think there's anything you can say to her that would help her.
I hope she read the comments on the post and took some sensible advice away. In any case, I suggest you let her husband know that she's been reading his mails and she's upset.
I also hope she keeps reading your blog, especially this post and its comments...
Dear Sister: I read the post in question and feel that you were very caring and respectful of the situation. Even deleting a comment that was disrespectful. The subject is very important! I dont feel you should delete it because it can help others which I know is your aim! THE TRUTH HURTS! Maybe the wife feels very bad about her situation and hiding from it is all she can do right now. It's possible that she can come back to the post and read the comments at a time when she is calmer! Right now you know how they say that the messenger gets killed! She's probably not really mad at you, but herself. I know I would feel bad not to be able to please my husband!!! Especially such a loving man. (my husband could NEVER wait a year! LOL) I would advise you to keep up the post--its a VERY good one, and simply delete her emails to you until she stops. After all you used no names and no one is identified in the post! We dont know who she is!
I mean, I do think that a part of her found some sense in what TTTEC had to say after all everyone was bent on helping to find a solution.But self-denial is winning.
However, since she has asked that the post be removed, I think you should do so. I mean, you have given water from the cup in your hand. Going in search of a well would be unnecessary. Bless you for what you have done (since she obviously has not said a thank you) but oh well, ignore the irrationality and respect her wishes..
Who knows, anyone of us in her shoes might be prone to such an act too.
she can't demand that the post be taken down..shez so insecure , that even with 101% anonymity shez still fuming.
the post will help other people id she thinks she doesn't need help.
Normally I would say that you should keep the post up. But since you know that it has hurt her so much, just take it down and let the situation go.
Granted it's your blog and you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to just to appease some person no has even identified. However, this sounds like something that can turn into a bigger issue so I would suggest deleting it and removing yourself completely from the issue.
Hello,
Any post put up on TTTEC does refer to issues of life but never is it so specific as to take the names and places that allow us to go fishing for the problem owners.
Whilst it is unfortunate that the lady found the communication between you and the husband, the matter of discretion was a lapse on the husband's side not on yours or ours.
The moment the matter is published, it becomes communal and relational, many of us add our personal experiences in the hope that we help everyone else who might be concerned, it is no more the selfish personal prescription to the particular instigator.
I made 2 contributions to that topic which draw from my personal experiences and came from the hopefully good intentions of wanting to help.
I do not believe removing the blog will be helpful, neither do I want my communal contributions to be lost or orphaned.
Obviously, it comes down to the purpose of TTTEC and the disclaimers that should be applied - the events here may relate to real life and persons but care has been taken to imitate life and obscure names and places.
If you must take this down, then you probably should consider taking down the whole blog and stop receiving TTTEC issues because everyone who finds a relationship with their situation can come round and muscle you.
Reviewing the matter, the lady should get with her husband and get with life and stop thinking the problem is in TTTEC and our responses.
If she made this legal she would be laughed out of court like a silly clown in a big top circus.
Regards,
Akin
I think you not replying was the best option,it wld have just been a back and forth situation.
Is she worried her friends might read the blog and suss it's about her?!
Why do people invade their other half's privacy?It never leads to anything good.
P.S Long time.Happy New Year(Better late than never :)
Nne, this is a tricky situation. If you take down this post then you might as well take down the whole TTEC series. I don't appreciate the fact that you are being harrassed over your blog. We don't know who the lady is! I also know people who have got comfort from reading your TTTEC series because they were in similar situations.
She has come across this information from looking at her husband's emails! If she hadn't she wouldn't have known about your blog. I think it's right that you don't reply her , she needs to focus her anger on her own issues. Don't tell the hubby she is reading his emails, that will snowball into another wahala.
Put up a disclaimer like Akin says and go on with your life.
See, I went back to read the post in question, and I do believe any open minded person (even one who doesnt have a problem) would benefit from the advice.
Like Akin said, he left two comments. I think the second would be very helpful to this woman.
Please don't take down the post. readers of this blog do not know the concerned parties, nor do we wish to know them. Simple!
Don't remove the post. You haven't broadcast their identities. And don't contact either of them either. Don't reply. Perhaps she should be talking to her husband instead of you. Wonder if her aggression is the main problem.
Good blog.
I am very impressed that you didn't respond; I can imagine myself and the tongue-lashing I would have given the woman. If there is anyone to be mad at, it should be the husband for putting her information out there; not the person trying to find a solution.
I agree with Akin that once the information was freely given to you, it became communal and so the wife retains no rights whatsoever over it. It has become part of your blog and she has no authority to ask for it to be removed. She needs to focus her anger at the person who let the frigid cat out of the bag.
With that being said, it is obvious that the woman is in denial. I only just read the post and it is obvious that there is a serious problem there which is threatening her marriage. Her personal problems have been exposed and she feels naked. Lashing out at you is the only way she knows how to deal with it. It's not a healthy way but I guess not everyone can handle situations appropriately... I mean her marriage is in trouble and the step she deems it necessary to take is to attack a faceless blogger??? Some people get as them be...
Pity i didnt read the post in issue, i will have to.
I do agree with Akin a lot.
Let's say u remove the post, can it be removed from the mind of the zillions of people that have read it? There's no point. Its a good thing you didnt reply her, that was really matured. Guess when she calms down she will go back, read the comments, sift them and take the ones that gives her good advice and move on with her life.
I think u shd put that caveat too like Akin suggested or else, anyone whose story is on all fours with the ones u post will start mailing you and then there'll be no TTTEC.
TTTEC over the time has served lots of good and we've been able to share personal experiences to help others, which is the main idea behind relationship with fellow human beings.
Nuff said. Nice weekend
Truth Hurts
It is YOUR blog!
Other People in that situation will learn from it!
This is what I think of the problem. It should be a lesson to all of us. Marry someone when you know them well. There've been too many stories of our people who go home and marry after a few meetings. Usually ends in disaster. But well done to the guy for being faithful. I think they should talk of starting a family. That would spur her on.
This is difficult. Firstly, well done to the guy for not cheating on madam. She's been brought up to see certain acts as dirty. The only counselling that'll work would be through the church. A sensitive pastor can explain that within marriage, God celebrates such acts. I wonder if she wanted to come out to England and didn't really love the guy. The guy has talked about his great love for his wife but how does she feel? Does she want children? From the sound of things there are no kids. Maybe he should explain they're just trying for kids, that could encourage her to be wifely more often.
Does she work long hours? perhaps this tires her out? Has the guy put on a lot of weight? This could be a problem but she doesn't know what to say.
Maybe his approach could be more subtle, as this is her first experience. Spend time in bed but not for sex, just cuddles. Massages and having baths together.
Truth Hurts
It is YOUR blog
(Technically no one can tell you what to or what not to put up)
That post will cause more Good than Harm.
Some girls/ladies/women need to read that and act right in their marriage.
SSD,
Please do NOT remove the post.
You didn't name any names, u didn't put addresses,infact no1 would ever know hu d person in question is..
Many of us relate with the ttec installations,it could be about me, who knows??
My people if dey r facing SSD like dis, oga must be dancing awilo in hot soup in dat his house..
I know it would be quite hurtful for her to see her man is writing about their problems but she should realize that their situation must be DESPERATE for him to go this length.
I would think that the normal reaction would be to trash it out with her husband.
This shows there are more serious problems with this couple especially that of communication.
I agree with other posters, madam should please go and glean wisdom from the advice given instead of pouncing on innocent faceless bloggers.
TTEC is where i learn and listen to what other people have to say from firsthand experience,it is very beneficial to me.
Please don't take the post down and there is no need tell the husband (especially since he may have already seen this blog post and has realized what happened). The bigger issue here is her marriage. She knows that her husband has a problem and instead of talking to him about it, she is trying to "take down" an anonymous blog entry? Mehn please.
I wonder how she got access to his e-mails in the first place? It probably wasn't in a way he would approve of (is there any way that would be approved of?) and now she doesn't want him to know she knows. At least her husband was being an adult and he talked to her about it before even coming to the blog.
It is completely understandable that some people are reserved in the bedroom, nobody should blame her for that. However, she is married to someone who is not. There are only a few options here: she can either change to suit him (since we know he won't change this part of himself to suit her); she can leave him and try and find someone who is similarly reserved (not sure that would happen since divorce for Nigerians is still so taboo) OR; they can stay together equally miserable until he cheats on her (which he will) and she ends up sending her own e-mail to TTTEC where she will then be told to "pray" for him to come back (which he wont).
The lesson to take away from all this is: KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S EXPECTATIONS BEFORE MARRIAGE. Perfect example of why people need to discuss these things honestly with their partners before starting anything serious.
SSD...you have done the right thing, now and yday...i think you should tell her husband, to read this post, so he knows whats going on and continue to no respond to her, no matter what she says....its unfortunate that she didn't see that as an opportunity to try and talk to her husband and see how she can satisfy him, cos he sounds like a good man...i hope its not to late for her...have a great weekend ma
The purpose the post was put up was to help his marriage, as well as any other person that might be going thru the same situation, i believe he has read the responses and taken not of what he needs to take note of, but leaving the post up, just because its your blog can also lead to making matters worse, in a marriage that you intended to help.
In my opinion, it affects her so much to have the post remain up, and you cant be bothered whether its up or not, so y leave it?
As for leaving it up for others in the same situation, if we want to be true to ourselves, there are other places they can get good advise, or better still, you could do a totally different post that addresses the same issue.
At the end of the day though, its your blog, so its up to you to do what you really want to.
Excellent job in not getting involved SSD.
Just act like she never happened.
Leave the post up until her husband asks you to take it down.
No privacy was intruded upon.
That way, she may have to confront him to request to take it down and hence discuss their differences.
If someone asks for information like this to be put up for the public to read, surely the person expects to get a lot of garbage and jewels in the response. It's up to them to sift through and decide which to take.
Her husband contacted you, her problem is with her husband and not you. The TTTEC installments are meant to help others and I believe you do a great job with respecting those that contact you for help...no names are mentioned, no disrespectful comments are accepted, etc....therefore...I think that you should leave it up...Many couples could be suffering with the same or similar problems, and can benefit from the post. She will be fine...she needs to focus on her marriage and satisfying her husband
After reading your post, i first went to read the blog in question and i'll commend you for not responding to her mail. It would have been very gratifying for you to drop a line and put the woman in her place,afterall you didnt tell her husband to tell you about their problems, it is in a bid to get solutions to their problem that he came to you. It is also in a bid to get solution that you uploaded the blog. I dont think you should remove the blog,was her name mentioned? neither was her husband's name mentioned. Nobody knows them so why is she making it an issue. She should face the real problem at hand that her husband is not enjoying sex in his marriage and do something about it instead of insulting you. She has a rare husband that was seeking advise instead of looking for pleasure outside as most men would do. TTTEC is not just you, it is you plus enerybody that contributes or profers solutions to issues.
You're doing exactly what you should be doing hon. While I feel bad for her to be caught in the midst of all this, she has no business contacting (and insulting) you. If she was really thinking things through, she should have spoken to her husband. (I'm emphasizing the important stuff 'cause I hope she reads this.) :)
She's obviously not concerned with what is really important. (I mean, she's only opened her own nyash by her own self; you had no idea who the mystery wife was, and now you do!) But if she was really worried about keeping her marriage together, she'd scold the man for talking to you and then try to work it out with him.
That post was over a year ago tho, abi? I hope things have gotten better for them now... If her husband asks you to take it down then it means they've talked; i think you should wait for that.
P.S.
In Songs of Solomon (it's rather erotic depending on what version you read, Lol), it wasn't only the man singing. The woman also talked about her pleasures...
How is she exactly sure u d post was about her. U didn't mention any names or location or any other identifying feature. Anyway, i think u should let the husband know and just to let peace reign u can take the post down, or modify it so that people in that same situation might be able to benefit from the comments in the future.
I'm sure if she had politely asked u to take it down, this wouldn't even have been an issue. The post probably hit a nerve.
The post was over a year ago…and she is demanding wetin now? abeg whatever jare!
I find it laughable (yes I am laughing) that she has a few choice words for those that commented…I did…I don’t remember anybody being rude or insulting about the situation…in general people just offered good advice, some insight and a whole load of encouragement to her husband in order to help make HER marriage better… and now she wants to cut them down? for real? Haba!!!
THE IRRATIONALITY OF A HUMAN BEING ALSO DEFINES THEM…
I think that it speaks volumes of you that you have chosen not to aggravate the situation…I understand she is worried…she doesn’t know you or your blog…maybe she doesn’t trust that our SSD won’t name names…I get that… I personally think that taking down the blog post is a bad precedence to set… nobody’s identity has been revealed (no will it be) and such discussions on TTTEC prove helpful to others it…so the harsh truth is she needs to suck it up and deal cos her demands just amount to bullying and censorship…so SSD let it be. Please just continue to delete and ignore.
Nothing in life is perfect…we all know that life is not a bed of roses and sometimes it can be just plain messy…BUT it is the things that one does in spite of these scenarios that help that person to succeed in this life…
Her husband stands on one hand of this spectrum for FIRST asking for advice and not seeking self satisfaction elsewhere in the arms of another woman so I applaud him
She stands at the other end of the spectrum with her attacks on you, your blog and your readers. I can only berate her…cos not heeding advice on what she can do to strengthen the cracks in her marriage is just that nasty ‘bury your head in the sand’ thing that naija wives do when they are afraid/unable to face the truth head on and deal with it… like I said before whatever…this woman needs to just back up off you and concentrate on the important things…simply put she needs to quit the blame game and work on positively ‘making her own marriage work’!!!
Personally I believe in marriage as an institution and I don’t condone adultery in any form…but ‘two people as one’ is hardwork…both parties must work at it everyday…if one cannot or the marriage is not a healthy union then acknowledge it and leave each other in peace
p.s
co-sign to everything akin said above
Please, make your life so much simpler and ignore her. This problem is between HER and HER HUSBAND.
You know what they say, if you eavesdrop you are not likely to hear anything good about yourself.
Some people have the nerve.
1) tell her husband
2) continue ignoring her
3) don't remove the post
4) continually pray for them
that's what me i feel sha o...
What is she "Lagos Drama Queen 2010" ? your blog is not her prize.
woww, she's pissed because her business is in the streets. typical.
anyway as the previous responders say and I add "Tell Her to READ ALL The Comments and Get A Clue".
PLEASE I BESEACH YOU DEAR SISTER - Do Not Remove This or The other Post, because it wouldn't help anyone - especially HER.
She needs to face reality.
maybe I should add - "What You Won't Do for Your Husband, Someone Else Will Do Twice a Day, and Three Times on Sunday".
marriage is a full contact sport and being unable to participate in it means you default on the game. she should throw down her flag and get a divorce if she wants to be a virgin bride.
He seems normal, she seems confused about normal human interaction and love. if her husband loves her enough to put up with her doing this for so long, and then to ask for help from strangers - she should understand that shes had more than enough of a chance to consider it from his point of view and realize the reality and charity in his actions.
if she doesn't want a husband, as one of the commentors said; she should return to her fathers home.
and about her reading her hubbys mail - I think if anything that's the real problem here.
she should be immediately outted to her hubby and he should understand just how she's behaved.
do not engage her in he said she said. that is for little girls. you and she had no convo so don't start one. keep it exactly the way it is. with her as the outsider reading without permission. that is what she needs to understand. being a sneaky snake is wrong totally.
The Problem isnt so you shouldn't feel bad..
She should deal with her home issues, well obviously she isnt ready.
The only person with the right to tell you to take it down is her husband and obviously, he doesn't want that as He's learing from your feedbacks..
Continue like you are,ignore her..
Please I humbly request if you'd want to paste the WE ARE JOS banner on your blog..
if you are,please contact
Muyiwa, limelight people-www.celebregion.com
please visit http://helpnigeria.blogspot.com
I am,
www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com
Thank you so very much
I had to come out retirement/lurkdom on this TTEC...
The post was put up because there was a valid inquiry from a reader to you. You did not invent the story and you did not ask for it to be put up. I really command you on remaining calm because my blood did rush a little reading this... :-)
But with that said, since one of the parties of the post seems so upset (this marriage has a bit more problems than sex... if you ask me) and since we've already covered it, I think it would not be a big deal to take it off... It's just so annoying that a 3rd party who has nothing to do with you is dictating how your blog is... but I say in the spirit of graciousness, classiness (and lent), grant that misguided wife her wish... and take it down.
She already knows what she needs to do. Hopefully she will do it before she sabotages her own marriage...
Don't be bullied SSD! Leave the post up, it's ur blog and u know ur intentions were good and to help them and others in that same or at least a similar situation. God sees ur heart, norin do u. You never know how many people will benefit from it. U had the permission of a concerned and involved party so its not like u randomly blogged about them.
I wish a certain person would use all the anger and energy to get on a certain person and do the needful. Hiss.
dont involve yourself. just pull down the post.
the woman is annoying
but since it wont affect anyone
you can just be the bigger person and take the post down
let it die away
obviously d lady has sum issues
I want to suggest a comprimise you may consider and push to her. Remove the letter aspect detailing the circumstances of the palava and just have a short intro. That way you can pull her story or any references to her while retaining the collective wisdom that is in the comments. I mean that post got over 60 comments and I even picked a tip or two reading through them.
All the best, remain cool and try no tto get entangled on whether she reads her hubby's emails or not.
its ur blog.......
leave the post up
if hubby asks dat you pull it down
den you can
its a good thing you arent replying her
keep up the silence........
1. DONT REMOVE THE POST:
dont oblige her at all. You're obligation is to her husband not her. Only he should be the one to tell you to remove it.She should take it up with her husband not you.
2. DONT TELL HER HUSBAND:
Stay out of their marital problems. He doesnt need to find out about her trust issues from you.
3. JUST DO YOU AND STICK TO YOUR ORIGINAL PURPOSE FOR THE TTTEC SERIES:
You can't please everybody. Husband, Wife, Readers, and Yourself. You know your purpose for the tttec series and it has helped alot of people. Don't let their drama get in the way of that.
I don't think you should take down the post.....leave it, others can learn from it someday.....
Also,i appreciate you not replying....n i will suggest that you continue to ignore her emails....
seriously, i don't even understand her telling u to pull d post sef. abi, u called her name for there? if she no go tell pple, who go know say na she dem dey refer to? abeg joo. leave d post. if she writes u again, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Don't say anything to her husband. Infact, just bone like say she no even talk. Abi, she go pull d post by herself? nonsense!
From the various posts I have read on your blogs, I can say, you are not the type to be arm twisted by anyone!
No mind the woman. She should take steps to work on her marriage!
I agree with Akin mostly. Dont take the post down, it was helpful. The question about telling her husband, unfortunately I dont know the answer to that one...
i think you should leave the post up. Its hard for her to swallow but like everyone has said we all learn a lot from your TTEC series. Removing the post, well that doesnt solve anything. Its definitely between her and her husband. I dont know why she's coming to disturb you instead of going to the husband. I think you should let the husband know. and we are behind you all the way!
I think the wife overreacted but i think you should take down the blog post. no one knows what the wife feeling right now.
Please DO NOT PUT IT UP.
I guess she's over reacting at the moment...
She's going to come back, read through the post and realise she made a friggin mistake in the first place...excuse my french...
She should address the issue and not the messenger...mscheeew.
sorry jare madam Sydelle...
And thumbs up for not reacting...way to go sis!
The lady is not facing what the main problem is here.
I think you can replay her and just tell her to talk to her husband. You really don't have to say more than that. Anf I also don't think you should delete the post. It's your blog and it's not even as if their identity is revealed.
I love your blog and what you're doing with it. Keep up the good work, and thanks for visiting my blog.
i think you should just ignore her and dont take it down, she didnt send in the entry so she should not be the person asking you to take it down,if her husband asks you..cool,if not, its your blog.
some people just like drama...see her taking us all back to such an issue, something we'd read, commented, moved on from..i bet most people didn't even know abt it then, now they do.
i can only say that you and/or that post is certainly not the problem with her marriage..her attitude is, i mean, it's compltely anon..but since your intention of doing the post(and all the others as we all know) was to do good, it may be the best option to put down the post, not because she demanded it but in the spirit of the good you set out to do in the first place..
have a gr8 week ahead..i'm [proud of you keeping your cool under the circumstances!!
There's always been that issue of where2 draw the line between too much information, and your right to speak your mind on YOUR OWN BLOGG PAGE. It's a dicy one. If twas me, you don't know this woman, you don't owe her anything. Ignore her mails. Let her sort out her problem with her husband. Honest. How many bloggs will you pull out when someone gets offended. In that instance, these sort of pages should have people walking on pins and needles for fear of being politically correct at every word.
*Though i remember writing something once on another blogg page. It had dicy information about a guy friend and his girlfriend. When i noticed the blogg was picking speed, i simply called the guy and informed him. He read the blogg, said it was fine with him, so i let it stay. In that instance, i knew the person involved.
Abeg, put up the emails the wife sent to you jare. All na "update", hehehehehhe.
All this drama...what kind of lives do people lead self? I wonder oh...na wah. I wish them luck sha, cos if small thing like this dey preoccupy their minds to this extent, then God forbid they actually have a serious problem in life...
Husband dey cry because of sex, wife dey cry because of blog post...hehehehehehhe
Ehen, if the thing pain you reach, die nah...
Abeg, leave the post and no answer am. Life no hard like that.
Don't remove it auntie! Why should you? That aside I believe everyone who said it will help others is correct. I also agree you shouldn't email either one of them. Eventually her anger will find her husband and they can sort it out once and for all.
As for the women her anger is clearly misplaced at you. I'm even angry on your behalf. Lol
Love ya xx
i actually had no idea that post was a year old..i just saw the link and read it and commented just now..i actualy thought it was a March 2010 post...see me adding salt to injury o!!:-(
I dont know...if i were you i think i'll take it down...just because someone is badly hurt by it..
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