Hello Easier Crew, I hope your week has been a good one. Today's TTTEC installment involves a lady who, in my opinion, likely knows what is going on around her, but needs the push and encouragement necessary to take certain steps.
But, what do I know. Let's hear what you think and what suggestions you have for Ayo.
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Dear SolomonSydelle:
I have been married for almost 9 years and so far I have had a good marriage. My husband is a hard working man and we have twin girls Taiye and Kehinde. Like many others, my mother-in-law did not like me,claiming that because I am from Ekiti, I am stingy and would not make a good wife. Despite this and other issues, my husband, Niyi, and I got through the criticism and married.
I do everything I can to make my husband happy and he used to do the same. He would sometimes give me gifts for no reason, take the girls and I out for lunch and in general, be a loving father and husband. But, about 3 months ago, I noticed that things were changing. He didn't give his children the elaborate gifts he usually does for Christmas, and for me, well, I got nothing. When I asked him if something was wrong, he told me he was too busy to figure out what to get for the kids and I. I said no problem but cotinued to notice that he was getting distant with each passing week, coming home late from work and taking more and more business trips.
At the beginning of February, I noticed that he came home one day without his wedding ring. It was a Sunday evening and for the first time in 9 years of marriage, my husband made me cry. I couldn't confront him, and didn't. However, since that day, I have noticed that he continues to not wear his wedding ring. And when he did not give me even a kiss on Valentine's Day, I had had enough. As has become usual, he came in late on Friday evening (Valentine's day). I was waiting for him as I had made a spread of his favorite foods, and the twins were with my parents in Ikeja. But, I was so upset and asked him if he was cheating. He looked at me, laughed and told me not to worry about that. I then asked him where he left his wedding ring. He continued laughing and as he walked off to the bedroom he told me he lost it.
I don't want to believe that Niyi is cheating on me. We are both committed Christians and we pledged to both be faithful to each other and our marriage. What am I supposed to do? I worry that he is cheating but, my friends keep saying that it is not a big deal if he is cheating, it only becomes a problem if he has a child outside the home. I feel I have nobody else to talk to.
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43 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Whoooooo!!! First!!!!
Wow, reading stories like this makes me a little sad.
I think everything that was mentioned points to the fact that he is cheating, and him also laughing about losing his wedding ring is another huge red flag.
I don't know how to advice Ayo except to try to talk to him, pray and seek guidance from elders (perhaps her mother). Hopefully, she'll be able to get him to stop cheating. It will be very hard to even think of leaving him since she hasn't exhausted other options, plus she's invested 9 years of her life and has young children. May God help her and guide her
She just needs to pray and keep doing her part as a wife - God will answer her prayers and bring her man back home in Jesus Name
Ah, the standard Nigerian marriage story.
Eya.
What can I say? He's probably cheating.
Then again, it's possible that he lost his wedding ring, but if he really did lose it, why didn't he tell her the same day he lost it?
Yeah, I'll just put my Unmarried Cynic glasses away now.
Once again, eya.
@neefemi: Excuse me, but what kind of advice is that? Why do Nigerians LOVE prayer in combination with no useful action?
So after she prays then what? Are you telling her to be happy and satisfied with a man that has broken his marital vows and slept with someone else?
Why do Nigerians always encourage Nigerian women to SETTLE?
Your husband is cheating on you: Eya, don't worry.. pray. E go beta.
Your husband is beating you: Eya, don't worry.. pray. E go beta.
Maybe it is only when the man kills the woman outright or when the man impregnates another woman, packs her into the house and throws his wife and her children out that someone will give some sensible advice.
All prayer and no action: That's the standard format of Nigerian 'advice'
Cheating aside, there actually could be other reasons for the guy acting distracted...I think she should first confirm her suspicions before throwing up her hands in despondency.
That to me should be the first cause of action, if indeed he is cheating, then we can take it from there.
PS...Put up a post on customs and traditions..would love if you could stop by with your comments on it. Here's the link http://jhazmyn.blogspot.com/2010/02/customs-and-traditionsthis-one-got-me.html.
Txs n do have a great weekend
She should try to get the facts straight first then she'll what she is dealing with.
Sorry but for the fact that he is a committed christian does not mean he cant cheat... everyone cheats even big pastors....
I am with Neefemi...let her pray and let God direct her...
I think he is cheating, and she made a mistake not talking about the ring the first day he 'lost' it. To me, it feels like he was testing to see what she would tolerate and she tolerated itfor several months. No wonder he laughed!
Since they are both commited christians, she should speak to a pastor or someone he respects. Burying her head in the sand and just praying and hoping is no solution at all. Prayer is good, but she needs to find out what is at the root of the changes she has observed.
nigerians and prayer.
is it not this same God who said prayer without work is useless?
okay, so after praying whatelse?
she should just pray and let sleeping dogs lie?
why do nigerians always encourage their women to take BS from their husbands?
eya, pray now. aslong as the man still stays with you, kini big deal?
nigerians need to wake up and smell the coffee and stop with all the endure advice they give to women in that country.
if this story was about a woman cheating..everyone will shout how shes a whore and how the man should toss her out.
i don tire for una oh.
please find out if your husband is really cheating, confront him and then talk to him about it...if nothing is done about it..he took oaths, talk to the pastor or someone he trusts about it.
dont settle.if you cannot stay with a cheating man(if hes cheating) which i cannot, dont settle.
@Sugabelly: i will point out in you calling me out, you did not give any advice - her hysband is not beating her if he was i would tell her to leave...also prayer is action - to pray is an action word, to you that might not be action but to me that is action that works and i told her to keep playing her part as a wife cos sometimes all you need to do is to keep loving until they turn around and come back to you
so whats your advice?
He is cheating. And she is tormenting herself. She needs to take serious action at this point or its all down hill from here. I would confront him and get it straight before he brings home some weird disease.
Are Nigerian not tired of prayers, not telling her to go fight but she should take some actions and it is not until the guy impregnates another woman that one knows the marriage is on the rock. She should talk to him and let him know how she feels
@neefemi: I'm sorry but yours is the worst advice I have ever heard.
Pray and keep loving until he comes back to her?
Are you kidding me? I've never been married and even I know that that is a terrible idea.
Ngwa, let's take your advice.
I think the woman should pray and keep being his wife and keep sleeping with him and pretending nothing is going on, and maybe when her next HIV test reads positive she'll stop taking your advice.
OMG, are you kidding me?? Just because PRAY is a VERB in the English language does not mean that by doing it you've done anything.
Lots of students PRAY that they'll get nine A's in WAEC. Does that mean that if they don't read they'll get it?
Prayer is not going to help you pass WAEC IF YOU DON'T READ!!!!!!
How can you in all good conscience tell her to pray, continue loving this man, and pretend that everything is okay? Your 'advice' is tantamount to saying "Don't worry, Love will cure all ills"
I'm sorry oh, but that kind of stuff only happens in cartoons.
In real life, women who ignore their cheating husbands wake up one morning and discover they have HIV.
In real life, women who take your advice wake up one morning and discover all their kaya outside their house while the man's babe is now installed in their bedroom.
In real life, women who take your advice are fucking miserable.
So please tell me how you can in all good conscience think that what you have advised this woman to do now is a good idea?????
As for advice on MY part, I will say this: This lady needs to find out if the man really is cheating and if she is, she needs to make financial arrangements for herself and her children as quickly as possible then KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Nigerian men grow up in a society that forgives and to some extent encourages THEIR cheating so Nigerian men who cheat will continue to do so since they never suffer any repercussions for it.
AIDS is not worth it o! No disease is worth answering Mrs.
To, Madalla.
I think he's definitely cheating.
Wooowww! Calm down people! I have to lean towards Sugabelly's side. The wife needs to confide her fears to her pastor and seeks his help along with prayer. The husband needs to be confronted because he's acting cold to his wife AND children too. He seems to have lost respect for his family. It's the work of satan for a loving man to turn that way. The husband needs help to stop the error of his ways--Tiger Woods should teach us that this destroys the man as well as the woman! Don't let this satanic attack go without fighting it with prayer and action!! nnhbb.blogspot.com
@sugabelly - first off i ask that you respect my opinion and not insult it because you don't agree with it cos guess what? i don't agree with yours either....
what you are forgetting is that we have only a glimpse of their life and not the full story...and what i'm advising is a place to start not the final solution...you have not been married so how r u sure yours is the best solution? you forget there are kids involved?....if he is already cheating best believe he is no longer sleeping with his wife - you don't know if she has a job, a family that can support her and can thus support her kids....people are quick to claim independence, but you forget that their are kids involved....the first step is not to move out the first step, again im assuming after confirming it is in my opinion to pray, not only that things get better that you have discernment for the way to move forward...i never told her to pretend, u read that, i never said that -you are assuming the worst which is something i don't do...life is simple and sometimes all you need to do is open your eyes to see the direction and wisdom you need to handle such situations...
i'm from a divorced home where my parents beat each other, so the idea that love cures it all is stupid...but this is a fairly young marriage, that sounds like it has a good history and if you want your marriage to work, the first thing on your mind is not to kick him to the curb, this has nothing to do with where he comes from,a man is a man, Nigerian or oyinbo...
you fight for it,and first thing you need to do is pray, in my opinion, not bring folks into it, not move out, but pray....women have all the strength they need inside to take control of their man and marriage - the problem is you belittled the effectiveness & scope of prayers...
again like i said this is my opinion we agree to disagree, but if you are reading this Ayo know that single parenting is not all its cracked up to be,i will give you my mothers number if need be - God forbid he takes your kids from you, which my father tried to do or neglects his responsibility to his kids
i don't want you to be miserable and suffer,and if you are wealthy hey good for you - but don't just give up, give it everything you've got yes i mean fast and pray and fight with him, try to remind him of his vows and God will be with you....prayer works
Okay, he's probably cheating. I'm not married, so I've never been in this position, and hopefully I'll never be.
I just think she should talk to him and get to the bottom of things. They could try and work things out, but only if he's truly sorry and willing to make amends. If not, I hope she has a way to take care of herself and her kids, because there's no point being in a marriage without any love, with a husband who doesn't even respect her.
The part of me that's just an angry woman thinks she should move out for a bit, and let her husband figure out whether his cheating is worth it. If he doesn't come to the right decision, then he probably isn't worth the stress.
Still, pray about it. You'll definitely need God's backing on this one.
I agree with you Neefemi, divorce is an option but should never be the first one. From what she says, it's like the husband is not sleeping with her anymore.
The lady should confirm if the husband is cheating and then they could go for counselling if they cannot talk it out themselves. I wish her the best.
i am almost scared to speak
this is a hot one
i think we all need to breathe deep
1. FIND OUT THE TRUTH: ASSUMPTIONS ARE FOOLHARDY. she doesn't know if he is cheating. there can be more reasons of why he is acting the way he is. for she knows he is in massive debt and is preoccupied with that.
2. PROTECT YOURSELF: until she knows the truth, she is at risk of getting any number of STDs including HIV as sugarbelly mentioned so yeah protection
3. PRAYER: Christians pray, it is what we do, it is a core of who we are, only God can trully direct her and give her wisdom to make the necessary decisions
4. PROTECT HER CHILDREN: until she knows the fact she needs to protect her children emotionally from any potential backlash from her hubby. It is possible that he is cheating and it is possible that he is just having issues right now either way until the truth is known, the children need to be protected because emotionally they are fragile.
5. SEEK GODLY COUNSEL: not every person you know has godly advice, don't spread your suspicions to every single friend you have, that is like putting ALL your business on facebook. Confide in someone who is unbiased and who you can trust, maybe 2 or 3 might be good, it might help to ask God to lead you to them.
okay i'm done
prayer is necessary for a Christian but sitting down is optional so hopefully she can find a way to take all of the advice we have and filter thru' it and make wise decisions that will benefit both her and her family.
have a good weekend
This is really heated
I think u shud get the truth before you
Start assuming things
Cos we tend to assume
It could be anything
And the fact that he stopped buying gifts
Could mean its financial he might have sold d wedding ring sef
U have to find out the truth before going beserk Cos if its a financial issue and ur not there for him things might be realy sour
But if he's cheating
Findout if he is worth it and fight for ur man if he is
This is really heated
I think u shud get the truth before you
Start assuming things
Cos we tend to assume
It could be anything
And the fact that he stopped buying gifts
Could mean its financial he might have sold d wedding ring sef
U have to find out the truth before going beserk Cos if its a financial issue and ur not there for him things might be realy sour
But if he's cheating
Findout if he is worth it and fight for ur man if he is
Well he is hiding something and either way its disrespectful. The fact that he laughs off your fears and valid concerns should shoot off redflags in ur mind. Men respond to actions to talking. They tend to interpret talking about it as whining. Take action. I say file for divorce (i am crazy..so take this with a grain of salt). No marriage or even your children is worth your self respect. I repeat Do not lose ur self respect for the sake of your children o. Children ARE NOT worth you losing your self respect cos believe me they would probably stop respecting you too. So chose yourself. Get backbone. Get a job if you have one and stop being the only one in a marriage cos he seems to have forgotten that he is in one. My husband neglecting to inform me about our financial health is just as bad as him being unfaithful. Ughhhh...I can believe some women in this 21st century are still recommending Loving a man through infidelity. No self respect whatsoever.
I agree with the comment above mine, its true that whatever the case is, its very disrespectful. Yes, prayers do work, if nothing, prayers for courage to do what she has to do which is what is best for herself and her kids if it comes to it.
hmm.. stop over reacting and live life.. stop looking for something that isn't in existence or it'd exist.
stop being a detective and be a wife,,yeah i know, but sometimes it pays not voice every suspicion you have until you have credible evidence.
www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com
Wow!!! you gotta love blogville...I'm with Neefemi all the way!
Ayo pray,pray and pray some more...
If you ask me,I totally believe he is cheating...but in all honesty, is divorce the best option?
Prayerfully seek counsel(I said pray again whoopty-doo sue me!!!)...and confront him...I don't think you shld have taken it lying when you first noticed the missing ring...having said that,all hope is not lost,it is your marriage,he is your man,the ball is in your court...do what you have to but please stay strong and ensure you don't get abused in anyway...
Neefemi's advice in my opinion is still rock solid!!!
I think her husband's actions are very funny and it's obvious that something is wrong. He may or may not be cheating...but I know that when a man's actions change there's something going on cuz men work in patterns.
The point is there is a problem and I agree with prayer as a crucial step in the process since they're Christians. The next step for her is to talk to her in a nonconfrontational way...if that doesn't work, then she should seek assistance from a third party...probably their Pastor because getting family/friends involved can do more harm then good. I pray that God will see her through!
symptoms - he looses his ring, and then laughs abt it..is distant and misses val..
diagnosis - cheating, i mean, it's what she's been suspecting, for real
first thing is to get him to get her serious cos right now, he is disrespecting her by ignoring her feelings..it only shows that he's nt into her anymore, ssomething is obviously distracting him..
i say, first off, be careful how u get people into ur marriage..try a one-on-one with him first..like a sit-down-and-talk-and get things straight..or more like a wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-to-get-things-straight..b4 u go the people's route be it pastor, moms or elders
of course, u know..marriage is hard work..we all say we will never tolerate cheating but sometimes it happens and then it becomes impertive that u get him to realise that u really wouldnt stickit out in a marriage that u disrespected..u know ur hubs..u know what can get to him..use it then take it from there..
and yes, Pray...pray each step of the way!!
Lol @ praying..
Story..
But why is it each time a man starts acting weird he must be cheating???
What if he's going through something else??
Why must the main ultimate conclusion by women be that he is cheating?? Na wa o
Sweetie, I do think he's cheating and unless you give him an ultimatum, the situation isn't going to change. Usually, the feeling you get in your gut, is the right feeling. Let him know that you will not tolerate infidelity and if he continues to behave the same way, show him that you mean what you say.
I don't think the first thing she needs to worry about is whether he's cheating or not. THere is no excuse for even a cheating man to not even acknowledge his wife on valentines day and the fact that she's obviously scared to confront him is also a problem. She needs to firmly confront him and make him give her real answers to all the stuff she's feeling.
you need to trust him
keep loving him
and pray for him.
He is been very obvious (e.g not buying you and the kids xmas gifts, laughing in your face and not wearing his ring), so i think he is cheating on you and he doesnt care if you know or not. Just talk to him..abi what else can you do?
haba!!see how some people are already suggesting divorce!!
All of you that are suggesting she "pray" her way out of this bring to mind an episode of "The Tudors" on Showtime. (Google the show if you don't know about it).
The show tells the story of King Henry VII (of Anne Boleyn fame). Anyway in this episode of the show, his wife had been begging him to come to her bedroom (but he was so wrapped up in Anne that he had abandoned his wife altogether). One evening he came to look for his wife in her rooms, but she was in the chapel (praying for him to come to her) and so he left and went to Anne. His wife kept praying he would change and what did that get her? In the end she got kicked out of the castle so that he could marry Anne Boleyn. We all know the famous story as to how far he went to marry Anne. Separating from the catholic church and starting the Anglican church just so he could marry Anne. Why? Because Anne was not simply "praying" for him to leave his wife. She DID SOMETHING.
Explain to me how prayer helped in this situation? My point here is that prayer is all well and good but IT IS NOT ACTION. I don't care how many of you think that prayer is the only solution--that is absolute nonsense. If she was sick would you tell her to pray her sickness away instead of getting help from the hospital?
God has started showing her signs that her husband may be an a-hole. That is all God can do, it is now up to her to do something about it. You want to turn her into a wife stuck in a bullsh*t marriage that she can't escape from? Mehn please.
I wonder though...seems the lady in question is a bit afraid of him...
He comes home and just laughs about losing his wedding ring and she did not go bunkers? I for don kolo oh...
Well, If I were the one, and everybody curse me, but a little detective work never hurt anybody.
Why not find out for sure what is happening? Check his pockets, his phone, etc...
I personally can not stand human beings without intergrity, so if I were her, I would definitely carry my kaya dey go..life no hard like that.
But that is me, I do not know her circumstances. She should do what she can live with.
As for all this prayer matter...abeg, I no dey talk anymore for this site. Na standard solution for any topic wey come up. My husband get one leg, pray. My mama get young boyfriend, pray. I am in long distance relationship,pray.My dog get belle, pray...
Dey pray dey go nah, the man go dey fuck dey go... na so life be.
Ayo should find that ho that's kpanshing her husband & whoop the trick!
I keed.
Unless Ayo is holding back some information, it's not obvious that this man is cheating. Has someone come to tell her that her they've seen her husband with another woman (or man)? There could be another valid explanation for his distance.
I would suggest that Ayo first CALM DOWN. Before she jumps to conclusions, she needs to stop working herself into a frenzy and think as possible objectively about the situation. Could his distance be due to something else? Could his lack of lavishing gifts on his family be due to strained finances? Could his wedding ring have been stolen? I'm not suggesting that she lies to herself, but merely that she explores all other possibilities.
Next thing I suggest is that she engages her husband in a conversation, not a confrontation, about the issues she has noticed. She needs to hear his side of things and see if he's going through something that he hasn't shared with her. If after this conversation(s) she still believes he's cheating, then she can move on to the next step of making decisions.
If her husband refuses to engage her in a conversation and she know she has truly tried to get him to communicate (without attacking/accusing him), then she should involve a well trained counselor who can remain objective in the matter. This automatically excludes any and all family members or friends, who might have their own agenda and use this opportunity to further it. If they're Christians with a good church home, then there probably is a couples ministry that can mediate for them, or perhaps there is a marriage counselor they can see. Is there a marriage counselor in Lagos?
The next steps is decisions. After Ayo has all the information she needs, she needs to make some decisions if he is cheating.
If she decides to leave him, what's her game plan for herself and her children.
If she decides to stay, what's her game plan for herself and her children.
If he's not cheating and it is truly something else going on? How does she plan on improving the communication with her husband & gain more trust in him?
I wish her and her family the best of luck, hopefully she makes the best decision for herself and her sanity.
na jus today i dey see this one o. interesting. anyways sha, i think Ayo may be reading too much meanings into things. as a wife myself, i know how our minds to go 'cheating' wen oga acts one kind. lol. yes o. even me. am highly suspicious, & doing detective work is not beyond me. MM knows dat too well. So d day he ventures to cheat, he'd going to have to work overtime to keep his tracks over. But God forbid he ever does that. Yes o. i no dey go church, but i know say prayer dey work joo. Ayo pray, pray & pray. & investigate & investigate. Wen this blows over, work hard to keep d communication line open between ur husband & u. I mean, u waited dat long to ask him where his ring went to???? Haba na. Me, i dey ask right away & if d answer no satisfy me, i go ask some more. I wouldn't subscribe to bringing in third parties just yet o. If u make a habit of it, it usually backfires on u. Settle things wit ur husband first. & only call in others will d situation seriously gets out of hand. & abeg, no listen to all these pple saying divorce. wen it happen to dem, all of dem go sidon 4 dem husband house jeje. dem think say e easy to divorce! na 4 mouth?
He is cheating PERIOD! seek advice from a mother-in-law that don't like her Amazonian? That is a no -go- area! Friends? Nope! because they would only advise him to be DISCREET! My advice, Play the BLIND, DEAF & DUMB! Go to GOD in her BIRTHDAY SUIT in the midnight & CRY OUT to HIM everyday & wait to see the RESULT! It really is a pity but know that we are stronger than men EMOTIONALLY!
WOW! WOW! people! Koolo temper! HMM! As a mother of four & married for a decade, DIVORCE ain't the ANSWER! When 2 elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers! A similar situation occured in Isolo Estate; The wife packed out of the house in the morning & the mistress moved in, in the evening! She sent emissaries to the husband but he said it was too late & since he was not the one that threw her things out, she is on her own! Single parenthood is not easy! Imagine how difficult it is for 2 parents to cope, talkless of one!it is easy to differentiate kids that are broken homes & single parent from those with 2 parents. I KNOW WHAT AM TALKING ABOUT!Any man born of a woman is POLYGAMOUS in nature! & any woman that KNOWS HER ONIONS should know she can NEVER TRUST her husband! It is when he is on top of her then he is hers! BUT when he zips up & walks out of the door, she should begin to pray that he does not father a BASTARD OR TRANSMIT STD to her! Confide in a pastor that would not use your topic to preach in the altar in next sermon & pray at midnight in your room in your BIRTHDAY SUIT! It worked for me! PLEASE DON'T MAKE THE MISTAKE OF PACKING OUT!
men get distracted by 2 things.........
other women and money problems
lesser of the two evils??
money problems.......
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