Today's installment is not only the first of the new year, but it is also the first that left me in a blind rage. The issue of sexual abuse is one that blogville has confidently discussed over the years and it has been done in a way that I think has been positive. However, not enough has been said in our community about the rape of househelps by their employers. It is a serious issue that likely requires constant discourse so as to eventually help many understand that IT IS WRONG.
Please read today's TTTEC installment. I have included my response to the writer but you will have to click on the 'Read More' link to see it. I apologize for the long post but would appreciate knowing your thoughts and what advice you have for this young lady who wants to do the right thing but is caught between a rock and a hard place.
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I'm a 19 year old student at Covenant University. I'm the first of four children, I have two sisters and a brother, the last born. My siblings and I are well brought up and prior to last weekend, I would say my parents were decent, hardworking people who had a happy and stable marriage.
Last weekend I came home unexpectedly from school. My younger ones were away in boarding school and my mum had travelled to our hometown so it was just my dad and the housemaid at home. I didn't think much of it, until later that night. I woke up cos of the heat and I wanted to go and get some water from the fridge. As I walked to the living room, I passed by the maid's room and heard strange noises. The door was ajar so I decided to peep inside.
I saw my dad on top of the housemaid, with his trousers down. He was telling her to be quiet otherwise he would beat her in the morning. I ran away in shock. This housemaid cannot be more than 13 years old and I cannot believe my dad was raping her right there in our house. I ran back to my room and could not sleep. All kinds of thoughts were running in my mind. What should I do? Should I tell my mum? Or another elder in the family? Should I confront my dad? I am even disgusted to face him right now. If my father can abuse such a young girl in our house, what else is he capable of? Please help me.
Thank you,
Edun
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MY RESPONSE:
First off, thank you for considering the Easier Crew to share this unfortunate situation with. No matter what happens, you must not take any action without thorough consideration of the factors involved and the potential outcomes.
The key is to help that young girl, as she is only 13. I would recommend that she be approached discreetly to find out how many times she has been raped. You might also have to consult with one more person, because that girl might need some psychological/emotional counseling (someone to talk to) and assistance to go to school. At 13, she should be in school and getting assaulted by your father, so after counseling, the next step is to get her into school for a thorough education or at least a trade. If you do not want your mother or others to know, ensure that your father provides the necessary funding (yes, pure bribery) and access to guarantee adequate education for the girl at the risk of embarrassment and scandal.
This is but one possible action. As difficult as this situation is, you have options. Ultimately, YOU need to know what you want to happen. Do you want to get the househelp out of this sexual bondage and degradation? Do you want to confront your father? Do you want your mother to know? Or, a combination of all 3? At this point, the choice is yours to make as you know best about your family dynamics and the players involved. I desperately hope you will not select to do absolutely nothing because this little girl needs you to get her out of this abusive setup.
Again, thank you for sharing this with me and I am sure that the Easier Crew will offer much more comprehensive advice and opinions. I just hope that it will come in time to be of help to that young girl and to give you an opportunity to put your mind at ease that you have done the right thing.
Be strong.
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Please leave your comments and do not forget to participate in Swagevent #2
44 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Approach the girl carefully because she will be afraid of you. If you can manage it yourself get Plan B for her as soon as you can.
Personally I think you should tell your mother. There is only so much you can do and after you back to school, who will look out for her?
hmmm
this is tricky approaching the girl is risky becuz she has no reason to trust you because of her experience with your father
honestly i don't know what to say
pray like crazy and fast, pray for wisdom and strength also.
i agree with SD that you need to do something, getting A RESPONSIBLE TRUSTWORTHY ADULT in the mix might help because you can't really hold the gun to your father because he is your major form of sustenance.
it is possible that your mom might be the person to assist or a pastor who is reputable
but your father must make restitution by at least sending this CHILD to school and providing for her needs until she is old enough to earn a RESPECTABLE income on her own
so pray
and i will add you to my prayer list becuz this is hard but God will guide you and help you to make the right decision for your family but more importantly for this child who has been violated
This is not on at all.
You need to help that young girl...I totally agree with Solomonsydelle...I pray for wisdom to walk this path cos it's a dicey situation.
Please tread carefully and ensure you have your accurate facts.okay let me put my self in this situation
I will confront my dad and make sure he pays for this through his nose if he has to!
I won't necessarily tell my mum unless I need to...you bet I will blackmail him and milk it for all it is worth.
I will also ensure the gal in question is adequately catered for as she needs to be counselled.
Above all, I will pray for wisdom to chart the course...
Please remember"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke
Everyone has pretty much said it all. Although I'd say that your mom needs to know, not necessarily by you, but by the trustworthy adult that you choose to confide in. Its a horrible position to be in, not just to witness this, but also the fact that its your father involved. I pray you get this sorted soon and most importantly, you and that girl do not suffer emotionally for this.
because ur dad still pays ur school fees. i think u shd tell ur mom.let her handle itbut women like to be in deniqal so u have to tell the story as it is so as not to paint the picture that its d housegirl's faultytell her , mom , dad is a rapist! i saw him raping our housegirl...........
Do u still have a paternal grandmum(ur father's mum),i suggest you tell her the whole thing.If you don't then look for someone like your dad's elder sister......like SSD said,try and ensure the girl is compensated with your dad sending her to school up to at least complete secondary school education!!
and to think if d gal got pregnant,the man might even tel her to go and abort and kill d gal meanwhile calling the gal a slut from outside
Nope..
Wow @ miz cynic's advice..
Dat one is serious cynicism..
Honestly what she should do is pick up the damn phone, call the friggin police.. Her mom ain't gonna do shit, she'll try to keep it in the family..
If it was u being raped, would they not call the police? Please pick up the fone, call the police let them come arrest the shit of a man u call ur father. Throw him in jail.
Moreover, for all the people giving her other options. Would u be considerin those same options if it were ur asses that got raped? Lets not engage in fuckerey here, there is a law and that useless man broke it. The world is a dangerous place not because of people who do evil, but because of people who do nothing to stop that evil.
who is to say that the father won't rape again if he is not locked up??? smh
am fully with azazel
thats the first thing that came to mind
but i do realize that its her father....
noone wants their father in jail....
i think u should follow Qmoney advice
OMG!!! This is just sad...
I can't even say anything...
Tell your mum...trust me, the house maid is a victim...
Whether or not your mother knows, i think you should let your father know that he has been found out and he has to do foot every single bill to ensure that this young girl gets help, which either you or any other family member can ensure she gets.
As for your dad, he sure needs to be institutionalized, whatever works best to ensure that his thinking is set straight, sure it sure isn't at the moment.
I think my main concern right now though is to ensure that the help gets necessary attention, starting with being moved into a more conducive environment.
Your mom would definitely get to know at some point, i hope she's wise enough to deal with the issue right.
You must feel disappointed! I agree with SSD's advice/suggestion.
Find out how long this has been going on. That child need serious counselling. She needs to purge herself of such unclean memory! Do whatever it takes to protect that young girl. Even if she leaves your household now, that does not guarantee the fact that such would not happen again! Liaise with a TRUSTED adult to confide in. If I were you, as my head dey hot, I will confront my dad. Let him know what I know and SAW. Then I will coerce him into agreeing to my terms, which will be to every one's good! That child must be helped by all means possible. Cheap blackmail, but worth trying!
If that fails, then opt for a plan B. In as much as I would like your Mum to know, the news has to be broken to her with great caution.
With all due respect to your dad, I am of the opinion that he needs deliverance and counselling!
Thank you for actively seeking a solution to this issue, rather than just sweeping it under the rug and pretending that you never saw it.
I agree with SSD's suggestions. You have to basically predict all possible outcomes of your actions because there's always the chance that no one will believe you; you will be ignored; or that the girl might even deny anything ever happening.
You know what I say?
(1) Pick a fight with the girl and get her sent away
...Before she goes, cal her and tell her why you did it-to save her from Papa monster and the one-eyed-snake. Try to organize some money for her as her upkeep, hug her, wish her well ad send her on her way.
(2) Confront uncle daddy and let him know you know what happened. Let him know why you did what you did. Let him know you expected more from him. Dont be insultive-he is ur elder, try NOT to be emotional either. Just state facts and leave it that way.
I wish you well girl...
...oh! and DONT tell mother.
Not on this count.
It may well be the end of your life as a family unit, ever. Believe me, I've seen this kinda ish play out in very funny ways.
If you can do this, I'll give you a badge for maturity.
If Daddy has the slightest shame as an adult, a father with his own daughters-he should simmer down and really respect you after this.
Wish you well (and sincerely dont envy you on this, whoever you are..)
*sigh*
Excuse me? Call the police? In which country? Naija? Please let's be realistic here 'cos the police around these parts will do absolutely nothing!
Ask me, 'cos I know!
This same thing happened 4 years ago to someone I know (she wasn't the victim)and when she tried to involve the police, they practically turned on her, saying she was trying to defame the guy in question, saying there was no proof. You got it, the victim was intimidated into silence and that's how it ended. Even the wife of the useless man was blaming this person of trying to break up her marriage and her happy home. Can you imagine? Sad tale indeed.
No, the police won't help; instead they'll advice y'all to sort it out within the family.
And no, you can't tell your mom. At least she shouldn't be the first to know. Why? She probably suspects that something is going on but she probably hasn't got the courage to address it. Besides, she'll prefer to hide this 'shame' of hers that is her husband and quietly send the girl away.
The priority here is the victim. She needs to get out of that house real fast before she is destroyed. And after that, we can bring some kind of punishment on your dad.
If you have a senior relative you can trust, then go to that person. It's best to look inside your family for allies but if there are none then you can go the NGO route. There’s this one I heard of sometime, Child Welfare League of Nigeria.
They are at Qunbarmi House, 32 Olufemi Street, Surulere Lagos.
I'm not sure if that is their current address. It’s been a while. There are many bodies that can wade into this kind of matter professionally and bring succor to that child and judgment on that man.
For instance you can go to
The Office of the Public Defender, 1 Motorways Center, Oregun Rd, Ikeja, 08023128837,
Contact: Atinuke Oluyemi, tinukeoluyemi@yahoo.co.uk
Explain the situation and how you probably might not want to be fingered for ‘tattling’. I’m sure they can help even in a small way.
Your dad is a sorry excuse for a man and I apologize that I had to put it that bluntly.
Whatever you do, please do not act alone.
if he wasnt your father then id advise you to go to the police but he is the one who brings in your family income so just follow SSD's advice.
@enkay...it actually depends on where you live...my friend was once raped by a wealthy man in her neighbourhood that is married oh and she went to the police station and they came with her and arrested the man and he is now awaiting trial.if you meet humane policemen they'd try their very best to get you justice.
but i wouldnt advice you to get the police involved...if i were in your shoes, i'd confront your dad and make sure he gets that girl counselling, and pays her way through school plus id tell my mum also cos knowing my mum she would never want to live with such a man.
im sorry but the man you call your dad is a very big monster..not up to 13?na wa oh.
The first person you should tell is your MOTHER..TELL YOU MOTHER O
No oh! This is too bad. I don't think the house help should stay in that house any longer than necessary. I think she should go straight to her mother or an aunty cos sorry to say, the father just might be a pedophile. This is not a matter of bribing him to pay for her education cos he will still do it again, if not to the current househelp, maybe the next one.
Gosh all i have to say is that you confront him...he will forever hate himself...also tell your mum and i agree with the advice on getting help through an NGO....you don't have to send ur dad to jail, he will be in a permanent jail now knowing you know...i'm sorry you had to see that and go through it
I dont know whether it is best not to tell your mom because it might be the wisest thing to do here...but then, how would you face your mom everyday knowing that the man she calls a husband is, God knows, sleeping around who knows who else? and to top it off, he might even (God forbid) be a risk for your mom if he becomes infected with an STD. This is hard. If I were in your shoes, I would not tell my mom. I will talk with my dad and fight things out with him, and include all my siblings...but I will keep it within my immediate family.
But your family is different. I wish you well, Edun, as you figure out what will work best for this family. I pray for strength, wisdom and Grace as you tackle this. Be careful and dont take any emotional decisions because this can be a turning point for your family especially for your siblings since I can imagine that you have young siblings.
Lesson to be learned as Kirk franklin put it: NEver underestimate the demons in a man's mind.
Honestly, some of the comments suggested are good but they might not work out well in this situation. To be completely neutral, I'll say follow ManCee and Enkay's advice. Pls don't tell your mother. This is not the first time this man and a lot of men in nja have done this kind of thing and this won't be the last. I don't condone it but our family structure can't deal with such deeply personal issues.
I suggest confronting your dad and totally devise a way with him to send the girl away and continue to take care of her upkeep. If he doesn't agree to your terms, then by all means tell your mom and any other ears that can hear.
Once the plan is agreed to finalized e.g where the girl will be sent to, how will she recieve her allowance, who will take care of her, then call her in the presence of your dad and let her know that dad has confessed to what he did. Make him apologize profusely in front of the girl and let her know from today onwards, she will be taken care of. Send her back to her parents/caregiver and tell them that her services are no longer needed but that the family will continue to take care of her. You can also choose to send her to rape victim place enkay mentioned. I think Lag State government has a shelter for victims of rape.
I repeat, pls dont tell your mother. Let ignorance be truly bliss. Let them be. I know its sad but if u can try not to let her know, pls do. However, I'll encourage you to make your father sware that if you catch him with anybody, his own is finished.
Finally, I believe God brought you home to witness this ugly situation for a reason. Do not let it pass you by without doing something for this girl. You might also need counseling yourself so please talk to someone outside home like a youth pastor that can help you deal with feelings of resentment towards your dad.
Lol @ comment above.. She should confront her father?? So that her father will rape her to?
lol@azazel...you are stupid!!
I do not support sweeping these kinds of issues under the carpet. I suggest ytou name and shame your dad. Confess to your mother and some other elders and allow them to sort out the problem on the family front. Your mother is an adult, you don't have to make decisions for her. On the girl's part, please take her to a victims shelter and I hope her life has not been destroyed psychologically by the rape experience.
Your father needs help too. Imagine raping an underage girl, knowing you were there in the house? He needs prayers and counselling and not cover-ups and bribery from you. All the best dear, take care.
I support those against a cover-up. I understand that this is may seem easy for me to say right now but I would go to the police,NGO, human rights/abuse activists. Maybe threaten to alert the newspapers for good measure. As the Uzoma-Navy Officer debacle has taught us sometimes things do go right in nigeria.
However, all the other options have been laid out and most of them offer some good for this girl which is the most important thing.
Good luck and please be aware that if (I hope when) you decide to help this girl out, you will make some enemies. I hope you don't pay too heavily for this. I wish you well and I hope you make the right choice.
it's a dicey situation to be in. For one her dad isn't likely to be remorseful about the situation and may cut off stuff like school fees or it may break up her parents marriage..
I think she should go the NGO/Office of the public defender route.
I'm sorry but your dad is a bad person and that's putting it quite mildly!!!
We profer alot of solutions, but truth be told you best know the arena.Pray about it and then take action to prevent that child from being battered.But tread carefully,your mothers feeling are to be considered.
Honestly I don't know what to say. At 19 I think the girl will just be as traumatised as the 13yr old been raped. If it can be managed then I think she should tell her mum.
Happy new year.
I feel bad that you have to be in this situation, but i even feel worse for the litle 13 yr old girl. I agree your mom should know the unfortunate character of the man she married, BUT like Azazel my biggest fear is that she will just send the girl back to her village and that would be te end of it...because Nigerians simply love to sweep anything that will bring the family shame under the rug. Whatever, path you take please dont let things end that way...with the girl disappearing and nothing said or learnt.
I don't agree with telling your mom first. I don't know how your mom is but most nigerians are in denial and would want to save face first. My advice is to gain the girl's trust and speak with her about it. Just because she is a housegirl doesnt mean she shouldn't have a say with how you handle it. Talk to her, let her know what she wants to do. Personally, I think helping her save money to run away and leave would be better. After she is gone then you can tell your mom and if any further action will be taken then at least it will still be away from your father.
THis is soooo sad.
I agree that your mom might be in denial about it, so either find a trusted adult or go to an NGO. It would be sad if the poor girl were just packed back to the village and her character maligned.
God, I fucking hate this. I really do. Things like this always end badly in Nigeria. Poor kid.
Okay, let me say my piece.
There are a number of scenarios that will most likely happen. Most of them are unpleasant.
1. She tells her mother, and her mother behaves like the typical block-headed, marriage-desperate Nigerian woman and lays the blame squarely on the househelp and sends her packing in shame while clinging to her lowlife rapist fuck of a husband.
2. She confronts her father, he denies everything, and sends the househelp packing giving her mother the excuse that the househelp came onto to him and their daughter doesn't know what she's talking about.
3. She tells the police and they do nothing.
4. She tells the police and they come to arrest her father, which will lead her mother to defend her father and condemn the househelp.
5. She tells her mother (or blackmails her father) and her father pays the girl restitution and sees to her education - this is the option everyone is advocating but it STILL sucks because the househelp will be forced to endure mental and emotional trauma by having to live in the same house as her rapist and seeing him every day.
6. She tells someone and everything goes fine. The man is arrested and the househelp goes back to her family, but as someone who had multiple househelps growing up and knowing that the families of most Nigerian househelps are poor and depend on their children to earn them money, it is most likely that her family will blame her and make her life miserable. To make matters worse, Nigerian society almost always shames victims of rape and the girl will NEVER find work again as a househelp with another family so her chances are permanently ruined.
This sucks. It fucking sucks.
What the fuck is wrong with stupid, disgusting men that can't keep it in their trousers???? Rape is about power so what point was he trying to prove??? That the body of any female under his protection is his right?
I'm sorry that this is somebody's father o, but he disgusts me. And I pity the poor girl that is so burdened to have such a creep for a father.
I honestly don't know what she should do because NO MATTER what she does, it will still end badly for the poor housegirl. All because of this pitiful excuse for a man.
I spit on him. Ta!
Sad. Aren't there child labour laws that prevent children from being put to work? It's doubtful he would think to wear a condom. If she gets pregnant, no doubt she'll be sent home in disgrace.
@Joy: the issue is not preventing these children from working (Because they NEED to work). There is nothing wrong with children working.
The issue is ensuring that these children are PROTECTED in the places of work and not exploited or overworked.
As someone who worked from the age of 12, I say children should be allowed to work if they want or need the money. It's empowering and it helps them build responsibility and maturity.
The problem is creeps like this and people that abuse their housemaids and treat them like dirt.
Emmm, Edun you need to tread softly. The girl is not going to trust anyone in your family, so you have to prove to her that you're on her side, before she can believe anything you say or do. She'd be scared that you're going to make your mum believe that she's the one who came onto your dad. So, don't be scared if she doesn't come out with.
It would be a good idea to go as far as you can with the girl and your dad while there's no one else around. Feel free to blackmail the guy into doing what needs to be done (I'm sorry, I know he's your dad, but...)
Plus, I was going to say that you should make sure your mum gets to know, but I put myself in your mum's shoes, and in yours, and my human mind can't see it playing out in anyway that can be easily managed.
Pray and ask God for help. But you need to talk to your old man and let him know that you're in on his BS. Make sure the abuse stops and protect that lil girl. Life is so unfair...
because of her age, i'd say she should rule out confronting her dad all by herself. she should definitely go to an older adult dat can get to her dad, not someone who is afraid to address d situation. whatever happens, d househelps needs to be leave dat household. it is not psychologically healthy 4 her to face her abuser every day, serving him, greeting him. telling her mom is an option she might consider doing without if she can, but if na me sha, i'll tell my mom sharp!
Wow, that is so so sad and just terrible. Like wow! This one is a really tricky one ooo...
You are 19 years old, its only in Nigeria that you are looked as a kid. I was already working and making my own way in life when I was 19. I see you as an adult. Whatever you do about this situation will be the defining moment in your life. This is the moment when your true strength of character will be revealed. I understand that you are in a tough situation, but, the TRUTH, as is preached in your faith, SHALL SET YOU FREE. In my experience in life, I guarantee you that the truth, always leads you to the right place. Here is the truth.
YOUR FATHER IS, UNFORTUNATELY, A PEDEPHILE.
Now, you need to mourn the loss of the "good" father as you know him. Be mad, get angry, cry, do what you have to do, but get it in your heart, that this man, even though he is your father, is NOT a good person.
That being done, the next question is, how do you protect the weak and helpless from the strong and powerful?
The most important thing at the moment, is getting that child out of the situation. Compensation is not the paramount concern. That child needs to be saved.
How do you do that? You simply sit down, and get this child's particulars. Why is she a housmaid at such a tender age? who brought her there? Does she have a home to go to? Does she have anybody that can take care of her? If she does not, are there any organisations that can help here? I think you may want to contact STANDTALL who is a blogger as well, she may be able to give a list of organisations that might be able to help. Solomosydelle, perhaps you can do that? If not, I'll get back with her email add.
Once you have found a place that will accept her, then you have to do the next course of action. You take the child out of your home. Once that is done ie, the child is safe and sound, the you can do whatever else you wanna do. The most important thing is to save this child, NOW.
Everything else, telling your mum or not, getting others involed,money, etc etc. That should not be your utmost concern at the monent. First things first, get the kid out of there.
If I were you, I will also be concerned about your other siblings, if they are young.
He might not only be doing this to the housemaid.
If you are close to your siblings, depending on their age, you might want to discuss this with them. Sometimes children can be very strong when united together.
At 19, you are not a child and if you are, then you NEED to grow up fast. You might be the one person needed to help many others.
Let the truth guide you...wetin wan happen, make e happen, but do not allow evil triumph over good.
Be strong.
I wish you luck.
P.S: As usual, disappointed over comments whose only use is to induce fear over doing the right things. Ehen? Yes, we live in a sick world, the mum might know, the father might not pay her school fees, in fact, she might be beaten up, etc etc...
And so everybody should sit back and see evil and not condemn it?
The worst thing in life is not the fact that you participate in the destruction of others, but the fact that you see it happening and do NOTHING about it...
because of FEAR.
The difference between brave people and cowards is not the fact that brave people are not afraid. It is the fact that the brave ARE afraid but they acknowledge it and move beyond it.
I am sick and tired of people using the fact that because of the situation in Nigeria, the right thing should not be done. Do you think shit does not happen in other countries too?
Yes, things may not work out as you plan. The mother might not believe, the father might deny it, yes, nothing may come out of telling the police, etc etc.
But you STILL do the RIGHT thing.
Yes, she should be afraid but in the end, she can conquer her fear and still do the right thing.
What is right is right. Everything else will happen as it will. She is only responsible for her own actions and not the actions of others.
I tire, abeg.
A most pathetic situation. This suggestion might make things worse but so be it. Edun should let her mum know about this asap and possibly they should take the matter further. I’m sorry about being this blunt but her father is such a callous beast that deserves to get a bitter treatment at best. Jeez! Can you imagine? How would he feel if someone treated his daughter that way? God help us!
wow......this isn't even funny.
had goose bumps reading this.
This is a very sensitive issue.
Something has to be done, imagine if that girl was me or you, or your younger sister.
Personally I believe this is not the first househelp your father has abused & if you don't do something she will not be the last one.
While I do not envy you, the truth is if you want peace of mind, you have to do everything in your power to help save this child from further damage.
1. Tell someone who will believe you.
& has the power to do something. Telling someone who is also dependent on your father is probably counterproductive, since few people will bite the hand that feeds them, so if you can't find an aunt or someone you can trust who is independent of your father, I suggest you take this outside to a pastor (you go to Covenant, my assumption is your family has a church home). Tell them so you father can be confronted & held accountable. You're not in a position to do this yourself, otherwise I suspect you would have done this already.
2. Talk to the child, apologize to her for what has happened & encourage her not to be afraid anymore & coax her into telling you the full story & if you can tape it. This child is likely to be intimidated later on, so if you can get a proper accounting of what went on once, keep a record of it.
3. Consider the possibility that you father has abused one of your siblings/cousins. Pedophiles & rapists usually have a long history or perpertrating the abuse if they're ever caught. So think of what repercussions your inaction has.
4. Though I suspect your mother on some level already knows, you have to tell her. Even if she abuses you or pretends she doesn't believe you, you have to let her know, so she stops bringing victims & sacrificing them to your father. Tell her so she can do everything in her power to stop your dad & see the man for who he is.
5. Tell your siblings before they find out from some other source & you get painted in a horrible light.
silence is not an option you have now.
This is sad...def tell your mum. well at least if she was like my mum that wud be the right step because all hell would break loose. I really dont know how helpful my advice is but the little girl is the victim definitely and the father is disgusting
What a sad situation. Like everyone else has already said, the outcome is probably not going to be favorable and the victim is probably going to be re-victimized in some way or the other...the social injustices of this world overwhelm me sometimes sha, I just can't begin to think of the magnitude of damage this has done for the house help, the family and the person who wrote in......I'd love to know what eventually became of this situation...
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