The following is a sensitive issue, as you can tell from the title of today's installment. The reader is simply seeking advice and I hope that we can collectively give her constructive suggestions that can be of help. If for any reason, you would prefer to remain anonymous when you give your suggestion, please feel free to contact me at solomonsydelle(at)gmail(dot)com and I will pass your advice on.
*******************
My husband and i have been married for a while, and have a very great relationship. However, when it comes to sex, he comes way too quickly.
Before we met, i had fairly active sex life. But not so much for him, only maybe to relieve tension after a long period of inactivity.
He did tell me of his inadequacies before our wedding, and i promised to help him get over it since it was clear that it wasn't a medical problem but a psychological one.
To a great extent, we did overcome his premature ejaculation & sex was very enjoyable. We tried different positions, at different locations, as many times as he could manage it (am the energetic one of the two of us).
Then i got pregnant & consequently lost interest in sex which has brought us back to square one! Lovemaking, as u can imagine, became a chore for me. I couldn't stand to be kissed, caressed & especially having my breast touched. When we did it, it was cos i felt sorry that i was denying him, so i hardly took any pleasures in d exercise. Which meant zero foreplay. Consequently, he'd just about be done d minute he starts. That suited me in a way, cos the few times he tried to last a little longer, i nearly suffocated & he had to hasten up.Before we met, i had fairly active sex life. But not so much for him, only maybe to relieve tension after a long period of inactivity.
He did tell me of his inadequacies before our wedding, and i promised to help him get over it since it was clear that it wasn't a medical problem but a psychological one.
To a great extent, we did overcome his premature ejaculation & sex was very enjoyable. We tried different positions, at different locations, as many times as he could manage it (am the energetic one of the two of us).
Still, it makes me very sad how bad sex has gotten between us, cos am imagining that after delivery we'd have to start working on our sex all over again!!!!!! There were moments of deep disappointments i really don't want to relive. Besides, i fear that what this means is that with every long abstinence, we'd be back to where we started. Lord, i'd so hate that. You have to understand that what am trying to avoid to getting to the mental state where view my sex-life with my husband with sadness. Not that i'm in danger of straying - not @ all - but i want to be uber-satisfied in bed, which i don't see it being d case if we have to constantly go through d circle of good sex/bad sex.
Is there anyway i can get him to consistently last longer? Nothing requiring drugs or shrinks, i hope. And another thing, am kind of tired of being the teacher in the bedroom. How do i speedup him catching up with me, & even overtaking me in sexual skills.
Thanks.
**************************
25 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Beans???
I'm FIRST and I'm BACK!!!!!!!!
I'm second. Archiwiz, get back.
Oooh. This is a TERRIBLE situation. Ha! Life is too long to be having bad sex with no way out o!
Okay, so I've read that if you push the underside of the tip of his penis upwards (you'll need to google to find out the actual step-by-step), it can stave off premature ejaculations.
As for the man's PE, I'm sorry but the best person to handle this is a sex specialist like a Sexologist or a Doctor or Therapist or Shrink. If it turns out that his problem is not psychological then there are drugs that can help. And there is no point wanting to avoid drugs or doctors. You either want to last more than fifteen seconds in bed or you don't. Choose one.
Obviously, she DOES want to have sex with him because here she is complaining about it. So, what to do?
I would suggest considering indulging in sexual fantasies. There might be something offbeat that turns him on - pain, spanking, dressing up, domination, etc - and it's possible that he might just be too apprehensive to ask maybe because he assumes she won't take it well or won't be into it.
It's worth exploring since they ARE married and if they're pregnant then they're in this for the long haul.
They should probably try watching porn during sex. Sometimes the heightened visual stimulation of whatever fantasy he chooses might help him perform better.
But that's just my take on it. And I've never been married so if I get this totally wrong or if I'm pouring sand liberally in the collective gari I apologize before hand.
I'm just going by what I know about men and sex. Men like porn. Porn is about fantasy - a world where anything a man desires sexually is possible. Since you're the one that he actually is supposed to be having sex with, it would be helpful if you could make at least one or two of those fantasies real.
Lol well if u relly want it to get somewhere, u should really consider some medicinal drugs etc..
But mehn, am guessin she got the baby from the man.Hmm well nawa for this case, she should talk to her hubby about it.
Lol mehn so i just read sugar belly's post..
And that right there is the advice she should follow.
follow sugarbelly
dats sound advice
Me I'm still learning, so will be taking notes here.
@ sugarbelly: abeg, nne, how do u push d underside of d tip of d penis upwards??????????????? i never hear dis b4 o
Hello,
Not all premature ejaculation (PE) issues are psychological, in fact, if you have not tested that assumption with serious medical examination you have not begun to address the issue yet.
There is nothing to be ashamed of discussing this with professionals, men suffer this condition more than you know, it is why lots of American television adverts deal with medicines for PE.
You also have to disabuse your mind about the connotations of seeing a shrink, there is nothing negative with seeing a psychologist or sexologist - there is too much at stake than to pussy-foot around it with pre-conceived notions.
The fact is we men do suffer bouts of PE, changes in foreplay, sex activity or arousal techniques sometimes work, but rather than allowing this untenable situation to fester you should get your doctor involved and brave-face this with professionals as soon as you can.
If it helps, I am a man, I have been there before.
Regards,
Akin
I agree with the idea that they should seek professional help.
Its better to get the root cause of the problem and deal with it, rather than keep treating symptoms.
Thank you Akin, for that comment.
Errrr...*fading out silently!
Will leave this to the "sexperienced" ones to sort out!!!
If they haven't visited a doctor/shrink then how do they know that it's psychological? I'm assuming she is a Nigerian, and to be honest, we Nigerians need to get rid of the attitude that it may be wrong to seek "professional" help. Go see a doc- both medical and a sexologist! You and your may be pleasantly surprised upon discovering a way to overcome the issue.
Good luck!
Okay...i guess I am too young. Maybe in 3 years when I am married.
Sex therapy for him, pronto.
I'm no expert but if you and your hubby enjoyed it in the past, then you will again. Stop worrying about it. If you're pregnant, its not uncommon to lose the desire. Your body and hormones are focused on the child you're carrying. Dont allow fear to overwhelm you. You were able to build your sex relationship before, and you'll be able to again. Since you are the energetic one, you'll be the one bringing back the joy! Take it easy on yourself!! You're pregnant! It's OK.
like she rightly said, the majority of premature ejaculation in young males is psychological.
what they (they being the doctors) usually recommend is something called d "squeeze techinique".
so when you guys are having sex (from foreplay) and he feels the urge to ejaculate, you (the woman) have to squeeze the part between d head and d shaft, and hold it for a while until the urge passes. wait about 30 seconds and continue with ur foreplay.
so u repeat the process as often as necessary.
with practice it will become a learned habit and you'll not have to squeeze, he'll know how to control the urge.
i hope this helps!
As for not wanting sex while u're pregnant, its prolly the hormones, and im sure that'll pass once u have the baby.
however you guys can cuddle up or be intimate in ways that do not necessarily include him touching ur boobs (which will understandably be tender cos of the pregnancy).
goodluck!
i think i'll be taking notes along side myne whitman
First of all let me say congrats on expecting a baby with your husband.
I'm glad your husband was open and honest enough to tell you about his problem before you got married, so you would know what to expect. I think that took a lot of courage on his part and you should appreciate that. You didn't tell us how long you've been married for, but I suspect you may have expected the problem would disappear by itself in short while. Unfortunately life is not always so straightforward and some problems don't disappear overnight. We have to continue to work at them until we find a permanent solution and that requires lots of patience. You are going to be married a very long time, so relax on the "get him to speed up" aspect and enjoy every bit of progress you make along the way.
I think you are a bit anxious about your sex life at the moment because you are pregnant. I don't have any first-hand experience yet, but I hear that sometimes pregnant women go off sex because of all the upheaval going on with the hormones in their bodies. And this is perfectly normal. If you feel this way, there is no need to feel upset or guilty, just communicate with your husband and let him know. You say you have a great relationship, so I'm sure you can involve him in all aspects of your pregnancy. Talk openly about everything, marriage is not "you" and "me", it is about "us" so whatever affects one person affects the other.
I'm sure your sex drive will return to normal after some time, so you do need to be patient and not continue to imagine the worst case scenario. Worry has a way of worsening the reality in our minds.
If you have any specific physical or sexual health questions, don't be shy to talk to a doctor. It's always better to speak with an expert who can provide a solution, than to self-diagnose and self-medicate with trial and error. There is absolutely no shame in seeking advice from a medical professional. That is their job, and they should be willing to help you and your husband.
In the meantime, continue to work on the intimacy in other parts of your marriage. Talk openly, hug, hold hands, cuddle and just enjoy the closeness etc even if you don't have sex often. Enjoy your pregnancy period!
All the best!
@FFF:
Erm.. well basically what you do is, you (the woman) circles the penis with your hand in such a way that your thumb is flush against the underside of the head of the penis.
Then apply LIGHT pressure by squeezing but moving your thumb upwards so that the tip of the penis is pushed upwards from the back for about half a minute.
The science behind it is that apparently the pressure on the penis is a "dangerous stimuli" and so the body puts the non-essential activity (orgasm) on hold while it investigates the source of the mysterious pressure. In other words, the potential ejaculation goes away for a while. (It WILL come back... later).
It's the same principle behind stopping a sneeze by biting the top of your lip.
Because your upper lip is close to your nose, if you feel a sneeze coming and you bite your upper lip until it hurts, your brain considers pain a far more important issue than a sneeze so it tells the nerves causing you to sneeze to stop while it goes to find out the source of the pain and what can be done to alleviate it.
You will sneeze eventually... but it will be much later on. So if you're ever in a situation where a sneeze might be inconvenient (e.g. hiding behind the door while a serial killer searches the house for you) just bite your upper lip and the sneeze will go away, even if it's just on the verge of exploding out of your nose.
:D
Oh yeah, and about not wanting sex while you're pregnant.... erm but I thought pregnant women were supposed to be horny all the time.
And isn't semen good for the baby? I mean for the pregnancy?
Pregnant women should be getting regular doses of semen - it helps to soften the cervix and helps it dilate (I think)
hmmmm...this one can be difficult o! but i second the motion that they'd be better off seeing a professional.
Thank God for the online community...I'm wondering what happened years ago to women who needed answers such as these and were too ashamed to seek help from their neighbours or family!!
Akin...thanks for sharing! being open requires a willingness to be vulnerable but in doing so help comes the way of those who need help!
its a very sensitive topic sha!
This one pass me! But what I do want to say is don't be anxious of the future. Take things one step at a time. Try and enjoy your pregnancy for now then when you are back in the mood tackle the sex problems.
Pregnancy can stimulate labor abi?
One of my biggest fear right here. To be in a place where sex is very inadequate.
Sugabelly has said it all. I'd take advice from her.
Not wanting sex during or post pregnancy is PERFECTLY NORMAL.Hormonal changes and imbalances,you see.Baby caring fatigue as well. Everything will work out later.
As for husband.Male kegels,a cock ring and condom.
Tell him to play with his piss as often as possible. So when he is urinating, he should stop, hold it for 5 seconds,and start and stop like 4 times or more when he is urinating.
You go to a sex toy store and buy a cock ring(its rubber and stretches), after foreplay, you put it over his penis AND balls. It will help him last longer, and his practise with the male kegels will give him more control, and the condom will slow down sensitivity. You too, get KY liquid gel for lubrication for yourself(you put it over his condom).You might need it.
Hope this helps.
Post a Comment