Hey everybody. Today's topic is rather sensitive and well, my suggestions to this reader were rather limited, so please, feel free to share your thoughts. I'm hoping that you guys can help this reader figure out the next step she will take.
Thank you.
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My name is Kate and I have been married for 4 years to my husband, Niyi. Niyi was born and raised in England and we met when I came to the UK to get an education. We fell madly in love and dated for 3 straight years. There were ups and downs but we managed to get through our problems and walked down the aisle in a beautiful wedding surrounded by our family and friends in Lagos.
Our families have been asking for grandchildren, and we have continuously said it will happen when God decides. But, now, it seems that Niyi has decided that children are not a part of our future. I recently mentioned to him that his mother called me and ended the conversation with a half joke that we should not come home for Christmas unless there is a grandchild in my belly. Niyi simply looked at me and said, "well I guess we won't be going home then." I then said to him that it won't be that bad if we got pregnant. Niyi simply laughed and walked into the bedroom. I followed him and asked him why he was laughing only for him to say that he likes the life we have and he doesn't believe that a child would fit into our lifestyle. I was devastated. I have always wanted a child and Niyi never gave me the impression that he did not want children. To now learn that he thinks we should not have children, is troubling. We tried to talk about it, but he refused to budge. I have been a wreck for weeks trying to figure out a solution to this problem but there appears to be none.
I want children. I am now 32 and I know that time is ticking. I am fine with having one child and I thought that it would happen by next year at least. I just don't know how to convince Niyi to change his mind and I know that I will be crushed if years from now, I get to a point were I can no longer have children. I will regret it. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
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26 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
*disclaimer* I am not married and have no children so take my comments with that in my mind.
You say Niyi never gave the "impression" that he never wanted children. So you never discussed it prior to getting married? Because if you did talk about it and he said he would like to have kids and is saying now that he doesn't then he needs to explain himself as to what has brought about this change.
If you never discussed this and just assumed he was like minded then its a bit tougher because its hard to force someone in this scenario. I think you need to make sure a) you dont over nag him about it because honestly the dude could start thinking that everytime you guys sleep together that is now your goal.
b) have a discussion maybe its the number of kids he's opposed to, or perhaps he has a time frame of what he wants to achieve before he has kids.
Either way he needs to lay out his concerns for not wanting to have kids so that you know whether you can work around/with them or accept the status quo. He also must listen to what your concerns are. It is unfortunate that a conversation like this is happening after the rings have been exchanged.
Kookie
It is possible he's always felt that way but never said anything. I know one lady that was married to a guy for 7year [married young]. Dude knew for a fact she wanted kids but the time was never right [school, finances etc] and that worked for him cos he never really wanted kids. When things finally settled he said the same thing Niyi did about fitting into their lifestyle. It ended in divorce.
I pray that is not your case. As kookie rightly said, Niyi NEEDS to table his matter before you. If nothing else at least try and make you understand where he is coming from and why the [sudden] change of heart. You have to try to maintain your composure too so as not to seem like you are nagging or pressuring him.
It's an overall though situation. I hope you all can work it out.
Whats more important to you at this point - Your marriage or a baby? I ask because time has come to pick a side. I would say quit birth control & get pregnant because if you give up on your dream of having a child and your fertility goes - as it does with age - you will hate your husband so your marriage will be lost anyway. At least come out of it with a baby.
Niyi does nt want to have children now, he will get to a stage when he will want children. My advice to u is to have patience. Also, tell him to explain things to his people so dat they will stop disturbing you.
Hello,
(Sorry, it is a bit of a long comment.)
It is a bit concerning to hear your story but maybe one should get some fundamentals sorted out.
I would first hope that marriage in itself is instigated primarily on the premise of love, the relationship and companionship for life that it entails and the value you have for each other.
It might sound clinical, but marriage should never be predicated on just the matter of procreation, even though many get excited on that matter.
If there is no agreement on that matter, then concentrate on building the love-relationship part of the marriage that would hopefully lead to the desire for both of you to have kids.
The biological clock question can be demanding as much as family pressures can create tension, you have to live with your husband and keep the atmosphere at home conducive, you cannot allow outside pressures to upset that dynamic.
You have to disabuse your mind of the fear of not being able to procreate such that you end up doing desperate things.
Then, the core of the matter, I hope you are both have loving and enjoyable sex in the marriage, along with the fact that there are no contraceptives.
In the passion of good love-making where you are ready, ovulating and receptive, surely conception would come.
However, if unborn children rather than the present opportunities for deep love overcoming everything contrary becomes your focus, I think your husband would maintain that outlook.
Try to associate more together with other families with kids, offer to go out together with families with kids where you all can play and let the revelation of the beauty of having kids in a marriage full of love become a reality.
Any pressure from either you on the biological clock thing or your in-laws badgering you when it takes 2 to procreate would worsen things.
I wish you well, you can have the desires of your heart, but the heart of you husband will only be on it with practical love building steps between both of you first.
Regards,
Akin
three scenerios
1. u guyz didn't discuss children in your 3 year relationship
or
2. he lied and said he wanted them
or
3. u ignored what he said
either way
i don't know what advice to give u
honesty
don't be like the lady in Lakeview terrace or in Why did i get married
so yeah
i don't know
but talking is a step in the right direction
Hmmm, this one no easy o!
Not discussing kids is easily one of the mistakes couples make before getting hitched.
Still, Niyi should have said something.
Could there be other reasons perhaps? I'm just saying....maybe he's sterile?
If he's unable to give you any concrete reasons then you may have to choose...your marriage or your baby?
Can you get him to really talk to you? Really, really talk? If you guys don't understand the reasons behind all this now it has the tendency to blow into a family wide argument involving your parents.
You need to find out why he has made this move and if you can live it and not resent him later on.
you shouldn't have assumed he wanted kids, if that's what happened, kids are one of the many important things you have to discuss b4 you get to that stage of marriage talk.. You are in the marriage now so its too late to beat a dead horse...I would advice u have a sit down with your husband and really find out where his views on kids are? why he feels it won't fit in to your life style right now? why does he feel that way? and if he ever wants to have kids?....u can then come to a conclusion after this questions and maybe more..
This is a tough one. The best advice I can give is to talk to him. You say that you are 32 and would be happy with only 1 child. Since you are 32 you still have enough good years to be able to conceive.
I would say to wait it out for at least another 6 months to a year and in that time really talk to Niyi and find out his reasons for not wanting kids. Tell him to explain more about his reason that you guys are "enjoying your lifestyle".
One note though: Do not trick him o! You do not want to conceive through deceit. Just set a timeline (say 1 more year of waiting), and then assess the situation and decide what actions you are ready to take.
call family meeting? Pastor? cos dis one don pass ur power.
Wow, thats serious. What i wonder is whether you never discussed having kids in the 3 years of dating and how it never came up that he might not want kids. It's a serious issue and i read a book once "Baby proof" by Emily Giffin that helped put it in perspective for me. I am in no way comparing your situation with fiction but i'm just saying it helped me to understand it.
Talk to ur husband, instead of finding out why he doesnt want kids, tell him why you want kids and why it is important to you. maybe if he realises how important it is to you he will be willingly to compromise the effects to ur lifestyle. I'm not married but have seen enough marriages up close and whats important is to be on the same page, you dont necessarily have to understand the writings on that page but at least you both know where you stand.
Sincerely wish you a positive outcome.
I'm sorry to pour sand in the collective garri, but haven't we answered this question before? Or at least hasn't there been a very similar TTEC in the past three to four months?
Sorry, I just get deja-vu reading this. I feel like someone has had this problem on TTEC before.
i didn't get the understanding that they'd discussed abt something as vital as children..
but i'd say,time for soul searching,girl..if you totally want kids,giving that up for the marriage will end up breeding resentment and believe it, nothing crashes a marriage as easily as resentment..
so i join the throng to say have a sit-down with him and understand what he really wants..
no kids at all?
or presumably,time is not right?(u gotta be careful here cos by the time,he decides time is then right,u might find it difficult to ,again,leads to resentment)
and why..
then let him know ur feelings too,how strongly u feel abt it
and hope for a compromise
as a christian i believe strongly in the power of prayer. do u believe in God then get on ur knees n pray that God will touch his heart.
it is well
People have said most of it but I get the feeling this might be a way to evade the pressure from you and his family?
If you want to have children, IMO - have one NOW before it is too late. YOu will end up hating this man. Either have one with him or divorce him and have one with someone else. Since his mother is also pushing for kids, get her on your side and get HIS family to pressure him. Why fight the battle on your own?
I agree with most of the contributions. Having a child(dren)in marriage is and should be a part of the union/ sacrament of matrimony.Have a serious discussion with him and find out if there is a medical problem to his resentment. I'm surprised to hear that a Nigerian man doesn't want kids(there must be more to it that he hasn't explained to you) Second, stop using contaceptive pills(if u are on it).I have friends whose hubbies didn't want kids immediately but hey were the most excited when it happened.Having a child brings the couple closer than they are/were.
I'm not married nor do I have kids but if I were in ur shoes I would try getting his parents involved, at least the one he's closest to. I hope everything works out for you.
first thing that comes to my mind is i suspect he found out he cant have children. And this is his way of brushing over the issue. I could be wrong though.
A difficult situation she faces. As with every difficult situation, God is the answer, there is nothing he can not do, the heart of a king is in his hands and he turns it to whereever he wishes.
pray, pray, pray. Pray that God will grant Niyi a change of heart. it is too late to regret not talking about it before now, the deed is done. Pray and approach the issue with him again, also look for those he respects, a close friend, pastor, mentor one person who can talkt to him.
Don't nag him, don't question him take your issue to the father, I can't emphasis this enough, it always works. Go on a serious fast, also ask God to show you which way to go and how to handle this issue.
did u discuss kids before marriage
you should have
you need to talk this through
God's speed............
I'm really sorry to hear about Kate & Niyi's situation, but the issue of having a child or not is such a minefield, especially if it hasn't been discussed by both parties beforehand. I know of two similar scenarios regarding this issue:
(1) I'm not sure if they properly discussed it, but some time after the wedding she concluded she didn't want children; he did. They remained married for a further 8 years until he stepped outside and got another woman pregnant. She only knew when she suspected something was wrong and asked him.
Ironically since the divorce there's the impression that he wants to get back with her but it isn't going to happen.
(2) Originally she didn't want to get into a relationhip with him because she knew he wanted a child and she wasn't sure if she could have one, so thought a relationship was out of the question.
They kept in touch and it seems that slowly, both of their perspectives changed. They recently married. Having a child would be the icing on the cake; she is still concerned as to whether she can have children or not, but now he doesn't mind either way.
Though proscration is not the main reason for marriage but there will come a time when you need children in your marriage.
My advice is continue to pray and dont nag him.
Does this mean you didn't discuss the issue of kids clearly before you got married?
My advise is this, PRAY...the heart of a king is in God's heart and God can make your husband change His mind. Pray sincerely and ask God to touch your husband's heart, it might not be an immediate answer but God answers (i hope you believe in prayers)
Telling family might only complicate matters, pray about it and if you have anyone like a pastor over you, you might talk to them.
I hope you get your desired result!
This is really a dilemma but with an easy solution. 1st pray that God will soften your husband's heart. Then start having sex every other day. Make sure you are not using protection or any other form of birth control. When you are 3 weeks pregnant, tell your husband about it. That way, the Lord will have already softened his heart to receive the joyful news of a foetus growing inside you! Good luck & eat healthy.
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