Hello everyone, please take the time to offer some sound advice to this reader. Let's call her, Joke. She is really dealing with an internal conflict and I know that your suggestions will help her come to a final decision.
Thank you.
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My parents have been married for 44 years and are about to celebrate their 45th anniversary. My mother is very excited and my siblings and I are planning a huge party in their honor. However, I have some disturbing information and I am not sure what to do with it.
My father has been secretly cheating on my mother for years. Oddly enough, I was a part of the charade but never knew it. When I was younger, he would always take me with him on drives while he visited various friends. Every Sunday after church, he would take me to visit this lady and her little girl. We would be there for hours and during that time, I would play outside with the little girl.
I only recently realized that this woman was and has been his mistress since I was a child. I won't share how I came to the realization, but I did confront my father about it and all he had to say was that I am too young to understand such things. Mind you, I am 22 years of age.
My mother constantly talks about how good a man my father is and how I should make sure I marry a man like him. If only she knew. But now, given this knowledge, I wonder if I should tell my mother that she has been competing with another woman in her marriage and that there is another child out there.
I just don't think I can plan and attend their anniversary party and watch my father continue to lie to my mother and the entire world. If he really loved her, he wouldn't have cheated on her for so long, so much so that he would have a child that is almost my age, for goodness sake.
I'm hurt and confused. Please, what do you think I should do next?
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37 comments:
could it be that I'm first?
THE QUEEN IS BIZACKKKKKKKK!!!!
Pretty simple: If i were in your shoes, I'd tell your mom. you might think u'll be breaking up their marriage, but not telling her is worse. There's nothing worse than living a lie and knowing your own son was in on it and did not tell you.
Trust me, nothing is forever hidden. Keeping quiet makes you an accomplice, its your call.
Your father clearly has no shame in his game and to involve yourself in parental matters is asking for more trouble than its worth. How sure are you that your mother is not aware and has only been keeping up appearances?
Additionally if you tell your mother and your father holds it against you or your mother even holds it against you for telling her?
I think you should speak with your father's brothers or sisters if he has one and see if they can speak with him about the situation.
@bumight, I don't think Joke should tell his mum.. I mean, why now?? After 44years of marriage? Some things are better left unsaid cos the repercussions could be grave. Joke should brace himself up and confront his dad like a man to know what exactly is going on, if the mistress has a child for him, and so on. But I'll strongly suggest he keeps his mum out of this. Ahh, it will be too much of a heart break. Just my honest opinion. **Am I third? wow I'm improving**
I'm not first:-(....moving on
I agree with bumight,u shuld tell ur mum about it...
Whostolethe... has a point tho abt her knowin and all but wat if she doesn't know? If u were in her shoes I'm sure u wuld appreciate ur daughter tellin u if(God forbid) smthing like dis comes up
Also bring in another party like uncle's or watever is not such a good idea...u will b messing wt ur dad's ego n that's not to b toyed with ever.
Basically,I think u shuld let ur mum in on it as subtly as u can,the good it will do her far outweighs watever pain u mite get from her anger @ u(in my opinion),dat is if there will b any at all...and evn if she does get angry in her sane moments she will appreciate u for ur effort/act.
Hope my ramblings made sense. All the best dear.
The truth will always prevail... so tell your mother...then be her pillar of strenght...do it maybe after the anniversary...but it seems cruel to let her experience that happiness only to snatch it away from her...
But your mother might already know... sadly mine always did but my mum just felt compelled to stay to prove to herself she didn't fail him or fail us (but in doing so I reall think my mum failed herself)...
Something about this story has me wondering if the little girl might be the half sister.
I'm assuming you have older siblings? Do they know about this? Tell them first and you can all decide how to go about things. I will tilt towards telling your mother. But maybe after the anniversary. It is possible she knows.
....do not be the bearer, should it ever come out. Tough, it might be......but, i daresay, somethings are better left 'unscratched'.
Such matters are best handled with extra "caution".
If you have older siblings, you all should find a common ground and talk with your father first. Do not fight or quarrel with him. He has no excuse, but lets not make matters worse by attacking him now.
Secondly, I would also suggest you inform one of your mothers' sibling (at least the one you know can handle such a matter without blowing it up!). That person would then approach your father and find a way to break the news to your mum.
I believe your father is the only person that should break the news to your mum. Your mum would definately be heart broken, but you guys have to be strong for her!
I can only imagine how she would feel. The Lord is her strength!
Hello!
(Sorry, this is a long comment. would the administrator of this blog please release the restrictive identity profiles, I do not want to be forced onto OpenID and my Google Account does not reference the general core of my opinions.)
It is so easy to jump to judgement on these issues and use our good intentions to assess other people's actions.
I have always worked on one principle concerning my parents' marriage which has seen more turbulence and calm than a hurricane season - I was not there when then met and took their vows, I would not be instrumental to breaking them up - no matter what I learn of either of them.
In perspective, here you are, a 22-year old ready because of your angst to break up an arrangement - I call it an arrangement because, it is very possible your mum knows about this rival and has chosen not to acknowledge her - which is twice your age.
It might be a charade to you, but your mum still retains a place of honour, respect and integrity, she has not be pushed out in favour of this mistress.
It would only cause greater distress if you decide to upset the apple-cart of what I am might call the bliss of ignorance, unfortunately, on the side of your mum.
Let us be pragmatic here, no one knows the exact circumstances and vows our parents married into, my parents were married well over 20 years before I heard her mother say, "We told you not to marry into that family." Sort your problems out.
Tell your mum and what would you have achieved with the little goody two shoes "of living a lie"?
Your marriage is your business, your parents' marriage is none of your business - would you prefer to visit them in the more completely distrustful and rotten atmosphere of the divorce you so sanctimoniously instigated?
I would suggest, you keep that information to yourself and don't foment discord in the family - if you do not want to attend the charade, it is your prerogative, but do not selfishly use your chagrin to destroy your mother's pretend world for the satisfaction of your being Oh! so honest.
That probably was your half-sister you were playing with, start looking for smart ways to unify all the offspring of your parents wherever they might be, not destroy the root of that existence.
I am sorry, I have no sympathy for people who pull structures like this down that pre-dates their existence just because they can.
I would compare it to the Taliban who blew up historical Buddhas for the sake of their religion which has not existed for half the time the Buddhas were up.
Vandalism for the sake of sanctimonious exculpation with the pretence that you are completely without fault in your own life smacks of rank hypocrisy.
Mind your own business - that is my firm and reasonable advice, not because of I am a man and I am not married - because, it is not you who derives happiness and bliss from that world.
With the kindest regards,
Akin
Chances are her Mom already knows. I don't think she should tell her mom though, what good would that do?
After 44 years of marriage? Think about it both ways, what good will telling her bring? Heartache, possible breakdown of the marriage? As much as i understand the value of the truth, this is Joke's family and the outcome will affect her too, I think she should talk to her father and try to get him to understand how she feels about it. As for her mother i wouldnt take away the cover of bliss that ignorance provides her. I'm assuming she should be in her late 60s, will she leave her husband? Then u tell her and she knows and she's stuck in a marriage and filled with bitterness. If it were my mother i wouldnt do that to her.
CAVEAT: LONG COMMENT
no easy way to approach this.
while i understand akin et al for advocating for blissful ignorance, this is not a small issue like say, keeping the big house he bought in ikoyi a secret from his wife.
this is the existence of another family entirely, this by no means is not a small matter!
i will not even bother flogging the issue of his dishonesty, na long thing be that.
they say she might know already, what if she doesnt? what happens the day he dies? death must happen at some point. then this other family shows up and then PLENTY other issues arise from this one we are trying to sweep under the carpet. how would ur mum feel if on that day she discovers even u co- starred in the "horror movie" that is now her life?
yes, the marriage is their business but to my mind, not telling her is a decision. you have a decision to make either ways, why dont u just make the right one?
telling them can break them apart, it might not. sure the mum will be hurt by this sudden revelation but she may not be willing to throw away 45 years of marriage to that revelation. the decision to stay together or break up will be HER choice, bcos now she knows the truth not bcos she is under some deception.
i would personally appreciate honesty in this kind of situation, there is nothing new under the sun.
telling her now affords her the opportunity of dealing with it and forgiving him while they are both still alive.
my own 2 kobo.
Some things are better left unsaid..after 44 years..whats the point??? If u check properly, the mum already knows but chooses to pretend everything is alright.
this is difficult..really..
but i kept thinking of my parents and what i would do if i discovered that this man who so obviously adores his wife has been cheating on her for years..
i felt ashamed to discover that my first instinct was..'no,i wouldn't tell mom, God forbid'
and through out the time i spent reading the whole story/comments..my feelings didn't change.
i wouldn't tell my mum. i would take steps to shield her from hurt even..their marriage is good,infact better than good and after 44 years, i wouldn't be the one to cause that kind of hurt..
NOW THIS I WOULD DO:
i would have a heart-2-heart talk with popsy,try to understand the basis of that rlnship,how it started and where it is now, if they've done anything legal, and what plans he has to make sure my mom goes through the remaining years of her life relatively happy and content..
i wouldn't forget to ask if she knows? cos as has been said..chances are,she does.
this is difficult..really..
but i kept thinking of my parents and what i would do if i discovered that this man who so obviously adores his wife has been cheating on her for years..
i felt ashamed to discover that my first instinct was..'no,i wouldn't tell mom, God forbid'
and through out the time i spent reading the whole story/comments..my feelings didn't change.
i wouldn't tell my mum. i would take steps to shield her from hurt even..their marriage is good,infact better than good and after 44 years, i wouldn't be the one to cause that kind of hurt..
NOW THIS I WOULD DO:
i would have a heart-2-heart talk with popsy,try to understand the basis of that rlnship,how it started and where it is now, if they've done anything legal, and what plans he has to make sure my mom goes through the remaining years of her life relatively happy and content..
i wouldn't forget to ask if she knows? cos as has been said..chances are,she does.
I agree with Akin completely. It is NOT Joke's business.
(BTW, is this person male or female cos Joke is a female name in Yoruba.)
Something similar happened in my family and I got to hear about it while my cousin, the 'protagonist', was looking for advice like this. The resolution was: Mind Your Own Business!
I can bet the mother knows and she has held her position, stoically, for 44 years - most likely for the sake of her children. The old folks are not stupid.
If she finds out that any of her children knew about this, it may actually break her heart faster than help her. It's her battle. And she's winning. I don't think she needs any help.
As in the case of my cousin, we found out that the Mum knew all along and it was actually their arrangement that the father does not bring the 'other woman' into the house. She actually attended the naming ceremony of the step child (as it were) because the father was away in the US at the time.
Let me mention that till date, the father is still paying for it. Silence sometimes is the best weapon.
You see, there are ways about these things that our modern over-sabiness will not allow us to understand.
To Joke, whatever you do do not do it behind your father. It is his problem, let him solve it.
Hint: Of course, this is the best time to ask him for anything you want. Walahi, he will do it.
It's a tough decision. But I feel ur pain...my folks been together 40yrs, I have a step-brother who is 2months older than me (I'm 22 too), just last month my mom and all of us discovered that my step-brothers mom is pregnant again for my Dad.
Its rough, but it is wat it is. My Mom is back in yankee doing her thing, and my Dad is back in Naij doing his thing. I miss the good times we had as a family, BUT I wouldn't live a lie just for those good times. My Mom is doing well, and as children we are all old enough to understand the situation. And we want her to be happy, and right now her happiness comes from her freedom of lies, basking in the love of her children, grand-children, brothers n' sisters n' good friends.
A child by another woman and an affair of over 20yrs, isn't something u sweep under carpet IMO.
Goodluck!
So it’s okay for the father to deceive the mother yet wicked of the daughter to expose the lie? We’ve got it all twisted – that’s calling a lie the truth and the truth a lie!
We are to be our brothers’ keepers. When we see evil, let’s call it what it is and cry out against it for in doing so we don’t only save the victims but save the perpetrators!
Also, the “it is not my business,” approach kills women and breaks families as wives are beaten to death or children quietly molested by relatives– because no one wants to get their hands dirty and cry foul!
Like many have said, the mother might know and has chosen to live with it. Or she’ll soon find out and still be okay with it. It’s her choice to make. But the father should be a man and take responsibility for his actions—confess and apologize to his wife /family and let the truth set them all free.
IMO: she needs to stay out of her parent's business. She may not know the entire situation and may do more harm than good. She should just attend the party and be thankful for her family and leave it at that. Maybe in the future she can do a one-to-one talk with her father and get to the bottom of the situation. If he tells her to butt out, she needs to. How will she feel if someone started to meddle in her marriage - infidelity or not.
Also: MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES TO MIZ SOLOMONSYDELLE for not posting her comments on my blog. It went into spam for some weird reason. Much love for taking the time to visit my humble blog and making some great comments.
Talk to ur dad..and then your mum about it... after that act based on ur guts..
I would talk to my dad and tell him that he needs to tell my mother about this. I'm not sure if I would threaten to tell her if he doesn't, but I guess that could always be used as leverage if need be. Hopefully it won't come to that. I may also not attend the celebration, and if my mom asks why I'd ask her to ask her husband.
From the information provided in your letter to SSD, I'm not certain that this girl you used to play with is actually your father's child too, but I guess it's possible.
It's quite unfortunate that infidelity is so rampant. I really pray that none of us are the victims of such a thing.
Hello again,
A second comment to clarify references to my first comment.
Before the commentary on this matter goes off on a tangent of extreme allusions I need the clarify the context of my comments.
The issue of Mind Your Own Business is quite particular to the relationship in terms of extramarital affairs which are so much more common in our culture that we are all seemingly in denial of its prevalence.
There are seriously very few nuclear and monogamous relationships in our culture so find ways to accommodate the matter where it exists rather than pine for some Utopian monogamous entity that in general comes from Western and religious influences.
Now, I do wish there are more monogamous, happy, goody-goody marriages and I advocate those and support them whole-heartedly.
I am NOT for child abuse or wife battering and both incidences of such have to be exposed.
As for the truth where the preachers have pitched their tents - what is the real truth of how a man and wife met long before the nice little children arrived?
I learnt about my maternal grandmother's disagreement with my parents marriage 20 years into their relationship, yet she always treated her son-in-law with dignity and respect, only my mother could not go back to her with problems in her marriage.
Lest I digress, let us put it all in perspective, there are lives involved and consequences for actions that can result in graver situations.
Regards again,
Akin
To add to my previous comment, I strongly feel Joke should use some PRAYERS and seek God's guidance. It's very important.
PRAYER WORKS!
I think Joke should talk to a REAL PASTOR about this. I have learnt over the years that we human beings are always quick to crictisize and judge ourselves.
Everyone has given one opinion or the other, but if we all happen to be in Joke's shoes....would we all do what we told him/her to do?
May God helpthe family.
i wouldnt tell my mum..44years?44 years?YEARS?
lets just face the facts, no matter how infidel the man was, the man was good to your mother and to you, shouldnt that count for something?
i think you should talk to your dad and leave your mum out of this cos it will certainly bring bitterness into their marriage of 44 YEARS!!and trust me, your mum might not find it funny with you for ruining her marriage with your dad.
talk to your dad and stay away from their marriage!!
I like how the youngins always feel like they know more. Like the Yoruba adage, paraphasing here, we always think we know more than our elders.
Joke if you think your mama don't know, then you on cheap crack, like Mama Houston said. I am a million percent sure your mama knows.
Is your father a good father? Does he abuse your mother? Good provider? Two things might happen, you'll break up your parents marriage cos your mom is ashamed and she'll leave. The other, she will stay and wonder why you think she is an idiot and she didn't know what was going on in her 44 years of marriage.
My two cents, stay the heck away. Work on finding your own husband that will do everything the way you want.
hmm this reminds me of Joey in Friends when he found out his father had a mistress and decided to tell his mother. His mum was upset with him (Joey) because she said she didnt need to know and that it will change the dynamics of things in the family. Since his father was still with her and living up to his responsibility that was what mattered to her.
Ok enough of friends- one part of me says tell, another part says your mum probably knows but is keeping quiet about it.
Men I dunno o...your mum definitely needs to know sha. Do you have siblings are they aware?
Hi Solomondyelle- is Joke a he or a she I am asking because of the following line- "My mother constantly talks about how good a man my father is and how I should make sure I marry a man like him."
she prolly knows and it doesn't mean your father isn't a good man - its not your place to tell her in my opinion - but tell your father how u feel about the situation and how hurt and disappointed u are - it is well
This is a dicey one.
For me, the first reaction would be to tell her mum.
but she shoudl ask herself sincerely, why?
If the answer to her why woudl not benefit her mum, I think she shoudl protect her mum by keeping quiet.
Whichever one she decies to do, she shoudl ask herself, if it would do her mum (especially) and the family as a whole any good.
Whatever decsion she makes, she shoudl stand by it.
I agree she should also discuss with older/other siblings, and they come to a general agreement, so it does nto look like she kept a secret.
I agree with Aloted, the mother might even know.
God help Joke o! She needs wisdom!
I swear by my back teeth, that woman knows. She's probably turned a blind eye, because apparently, he's a good father, and well, husband. Its strange but there's a lot of families like this in naija mehn. Nice one!
Ahn ahn u've been livin with a lie 4 close to 20 years now, surely u can continue to put up the with teh charade? Am sure even your momsy knows, please don't be the one to ruin a good thing o. Am saying it now, do not go and do busy body. The marriage was a lie 4rm the beginning, but even with that it has succeeded.
Ah... I think some time ago I made up my mind that EVERY Nigerian man was a likely cheater until proven innocent (definition of proof of innocence = death certificate after a lifetime of NOT cheating).
I don't want to be mean, but what are we going to say/do in this situation besides say eyaaaa?
If I say what I really want to say now and point out that her mother is unserious if she didn't assume the man to be cheating a long time ago everyone will say I am an evil, disrespectful 20 year old with a heart of coal who knows nothing of life. And while this may be true, I'm no fool. As a Nigerian woman married to a Nigerian man, it is IMPERATIVE that you assume the man guilty of cheating whether present or future from the get go.
Hell, who hasn't been on the receiving end of some pot-bellied senator/engineer/doctor/any occupation leering at you and beckoning you to his tinted-shades car with his crooked finger?
What is really sad though is when you're the child in this situation and you realise that your father isn't the perfect creature that you believed him to be all these years. I have SO MANY friends who will fight me to their dying breath that their father could never cheat on their mother. Meanwhile I have seen their various fathers a couple of times with other much younger women, touching them in ways that were clearly not platonic.
It's unfortunate and I don't know what advice to give because if they've been married for twenty plus years then how do you throw that away and start over?
Kai, this is why everyone should abandon this love and marriage nonsense and start reproducing by Binary Fission.
This will be tough but the daughter needs to get ALL her facts straight before she unravels this stinky corpse. Infidelity is a heart-breaking issue so she wants to be COMPLETELY sure first before she brings in the body.
If she hides the truth, then she will be living a lie and manipulating the truth everyday for the rest of her life. I know I cannot live with that kind of guilt. Can she?
speaking as a married woman, and daughter to a married mother whose husband cheated on her repeatedly & pretty openly, TELLING YOUR MOM ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING, Joke. When children get involved in their parent's marriage, esp in such as way as suggesting to their mother dat their father is a good-for-nothing man, they assume they understand marriage & its mysteries. they don't! only those who are married understand their own marriages, no one else. everybody else should mind their own damn business! That said, am totally with Akin!
All i've gotta say is...a woman always knows!..trust me...she knows!!!
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