Today's installment is one that many people have experienced in one form or another. But, even if you haven't, please feel free to share your advice or suggestions.
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Dele and I have known each other for 5 years and have been married for 18 months. His best friend, Charles, has been a source of problems for me from the beginning. He is loud, obnoxious and crass. And, he is one of those bachelors that believes women are no more than sexual objects. In all my time knowing him, I have never seen him with the same girl twice. He has even asked my husband why he would sell his "soul to the devil" in my presence.
I have managed to make my peace with the fact that Charles is in our life. I stay out of his way and mind my business when it comes to him. But, he always finds a way to bother me. Still, I continue to pray for patience when dealing with his childish ways. However, I just learned that he has been sharing his sexual exploits with my husband and the way I discovered this was not pleasant.
One night, my husband and I were about to get it on and he asked me to do something I have never done before. I said no and he started grumbling. Mind you we have never done this thing before, nor had we even talked about it, so I didn't understand why he was so upset. Before long, his grumbling turned into a full blown argument and we didn't talk for over a week. When we finally spoke about the matter, he complained that Charles has this thing done to him all the time by these various girls of his, and why shouldn't his wife cooperate.
Now that I know where this request stemmed from, I am doubly determined not to give in. I just can't imagine doing anything that was suggested or recommended by Charles. I know it is mean spirited but I just can't help it. I need to find a way to get Charles and my husband to stop discussing sex. I don't want that man knowing anything about what I do or do not do in the bedroom. What can I do? Please help. I want to make my husband happy but, Charles is making me miserable and I can't stand him.
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32 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
talk to hubby......
2nd!!!
have a very deep and honest conversation with ur husband, while u do not lke his friend, u have tolerated him, its ur home, there must be rules.
woah! this one's hard. i guess u shld talk to ur husband...not shout nor argue...just talk. but the thing is, he'll still talk about sex with Charles if he wants to, there's just no way to change a guy and his mind.
u gotta talk to him....
might i suggest actually doing the thing once... then talkin to him after about why u didnt want to do it... then he cant hold anything against u... and d next time u can say uve done it once and its neva happening again
This means WAR!!!! (On Charles)
Talk like everyone says.
but how you talk really matters.
SUGGESTION:
Do something hubby really likes, like cook a special meal.
Then put on an emotional blackmail front (it's your marriage and you have to save it FROM CHARLES causing wahala!)
and sexy clothes.(optional)
Then calmy/humbly explain how you feel, and how your hurt about what happened- the fight. Tell him you guys have come so far for something like this to cause such a rift. (Look for bad things that come out from whatever the sexual thing is) and tell him you're scared of those things happening to you.
Se fini!
* i know it sounds deceptive, but I don't like the sound of Charles.
What Nonsense?!!
Is her husband so easily led by this Charles of a person? In that case, it brings up a lot of questions about the strength of his character.
My wicked mind would dream up a plot to "dissolve" the unholy alliance. That, I think, is the best way out.
grrrrr. girl I know how you feel! I havent experienced the same thing but hubby's BFF can easily cause problems. I would go with BFFs suggestion. I don't know how your husband is, but when I had similar problems I asked my hubby how he'd feel if I had a bestfriend like that and told him to just think about it. Arguing and coming with a hostile way of talking doesnt usually work, he'll just be tempted to run into Charles arms soon enough...I wish you the best of luck and hope your hubby realises how Charles is and moves on.
I've never had this kind of experience but Sirius has said my mind to a large extent.
A deep, honest conversation is imperative.Vexing and quarreling is only going to make him listen to Charles more.
Do not be overtly antagonistic towards Charles esp in your husband's presence as this will put him on the defensive.
instead work on your strengths, contrive ways to edge him out,little by little,snippets of his evils in hubby's ears,never more than a sentence or two and never in argument.(cos truth be told, there's no way to stop them from discussing sex if they're stil BFF
And then work on your husband - in bed.blow his mind and then talk about this thing he wants, tel him u r hurt that he never discussed it with you, tell him u r not afraid to try out new things with him but that the idea of Charles knowing both ur biz is not right.
that you would rather u guys discover things together, read about them and try them out without Charles checking to see if he has had it done on him.
I cant begin to say I understand how this woman must feel. But I share her fear about my partner being too close to his friends to the point that he discusses all our affairs with them.
I personally dont think her husband is dealing with the situation well. I cant help but feel that he is weak and perhaps inattentive to the needs of his wife if his friend can be causing her so much discomfort.
Having said that though there is little she can do to stop her husband being friends with this Charles and in fact I'd recommend she doesnt even start. What I am however worried about is how she's letting her resentment towards Charles affect the sexual activities within her marriage. If she's not happy to practice something sexually with her husband it should be entirely for valid reasons such as safety etc rather than being because of Charles.
My advice is that she should make her husband her business and try as much to ignore Charles. She should also speak to her husband about how she feels and implore him never to discuss her with Charles and for them not to discuss Charles either. The problem may seem huge now but I am certain that Charles will soon find a distraction and leave them alone.
I don't think its feasible to stop your husband from talking to his friends, particularly Charlie about sex. The best thing would be to have a conversation with your husband that should involve commitment from both of you to solve this issue. Hope this works out right for you
shuu see gist o!
I wont say talk to hubby cuz i am only imagining that u already have...I mean that should be the first thing u shuld have done once u started getting uncomfortable.
Now you sound like you know God, so tke it to him in serious prayer, cuz there is never a good ending with a bad companion.
As we know, it is easier to make a good person bad than the other way round, so please tell ur hubby to be careful....Bad companions are TERRIBLE, trust me I kno
And prayyyyyyyyyyy!
Fast...
etc, ask God to come down on this matter and change what needs to be change in ur marriage/hubby's friendship.
i would definitely take 'his treasure's advice.
What sirus said, what adaeze said, what histreasure said and then you back it up with serious prayer - a lil more than im sure u r doing, fasting and prayer is the solution to this problem .....pray that God strengthens your husband mind and pray that God sees and end to the friendship or turns things around in the friendship....goodluck
talk to hubby and set boundaries and as crazy as it may seem talk to charles bout these boundaries
pray also o!
Get Charles beaten up by some street urchins!!!
Okay I kid...
I guess it'll help to talk to your husband...
Gosh that's a good girl's response but seriously I still feel the charles of this world should be beaten up!
Wow.... this is serious, but i just couldn't help giggling at the end of the post. She has to have a rational discussion with her husband. God will help her.
Sorry but I think I'm on the husband's and BFF's side here. From the write-up I don't think Hubby discussed their affairs with BFF. Instead he discussed BFF's sexlife with our lady here.
My dear, if your hubby has a sexual fantasy and you want to refuse him and start a week long quarrel just because he got the idea from his BFF who you don't like, you're only doing yourself. I suggest you set yourself free and give your hubby what he wants in the bedroom now and always. In fact I will add that you should draw Charles closer and I bet you your hubby will love you the more for it. All the best.
Wow this is truly hard, Charles sounds like a jackass sha. His Treasure made a good point and I also see Myne Whitman's other POV as well.
Hmmmm...
I really don't think its right for her husband to be discussing his bedroom affairs with charles. I think he should be mature about it and set boundaries.
If Charles doesn't like marrigae, that's fine! but he shouldn't come and put sand in another persons garri.
sorry but this is funny...thats how some guys make mistake and chop slap...if its something new in the bedroom...he(the husband) should have alteast talked to her about it during their freaky bed talk and he shoulda let her know then that there is something he wants to try...rather would love to try and see how she feels about it and not just spring it up on her like that...she should talk about it with her husband...and maybe could find a solution to charles and prolly try out wateva her hubby wants..
Am I the only one that wants to know what the "thing" is? I can't give advice until I know the details...
cos if na small thing, like dick sucking, licking, etc, then no be wahala whether e come from Charlie or dickenson...
But if na extra extra kinky stuff, then ehen, na to either discuss matter or get nasty drunk...
But first, wetin be the "thing"?
Yeah what everybody said except you have to find something that is at least as wild if not wilder. Try hanging from the ceiling :-p.
Men have their egos tied to sex and competition. right now your man is feeling less like an alpha male because Charles is getting something that he isn't. So you have to give him something to be smug about.
Then talk to him later on about charles and let your man see that Charles is not the standard your sex life should be be compared to because Charle's just wants another notch under his belt meanwhile your marriage is about MAKING LOVE.
P.S. If you ever feel like it I would suggest that you try what Charles suggested down the line cause chances are your man will never forget about it.
Right I second waffy oh if na extra kinky stuff like choking... mmm abeg no die oh.
@SSD may I suggest that people who submit questions about their issues tell us how they come to a resolution later on? just cause i'm curious (you know i'm not the only one) and it might be helpful to readers. that is if they feel up to it of course.
This situation is not bad as it seems if you can get yourself a lil closer to the BFF, and talk your way out with your husband.
I also feel sincerely that your man needs some spankin(smiles)..what sense of security and love is he providing to you and your marriage if his bff can get him to ask you to do somethin i feel should be private to your home?
I'm with waffarian!
nowhere in d post do i get d sense that your hubby discussed your sex life with charles, instead it is obvious they discussed charles' sex life. This does not take away from d fact that charles might be a jerk. however i think it'll be wise to talk to your husband about keeping your sex life private.
I dont think its wise to deny your husband sexual pleasure except it something extra extra kinky like anal sex, lol!
I think she needs to speak to her husband cos he's obviously comparing his BFF''s sexual life to his when infact they aren't in the same situation. She's his wife, Charles has his done by "various girls of his".
She needs to talk to her husband and if her hubby wants to try something new in the bedroom, they have to discuss it first.
hey marriage isn't gonna be easy at all. what is this? no idea what she should do, i hope she finds a way to sort it out, maybe follow one of these advice
Talk to hubby. Then let him know how revolted you feel that he dicusees your bedroom business with Charles. It makes you uncomfortable and the thought that it was suggetsed by Charles makes it more difficult to swallow for you.
Ask hubby if it is right to be discussing your private life with an outsider? That is what Charles is,and would he like it if you did the same with your girlfriends? He is your husband and Charles should butt out!
I agree with everyone else who has said you need to talk to your husband about it.
I'll only add that when you do, don't do it in an accusatory manner e.g 'how dare you talk about our sex life(as waffarian mentioned, clarify if indeed he has/does) with charles'!
Rather, let him know how it makes you feel e.g. 'The thought of you discussing our sex life with Charles makes me feel X,Y, Z'.
From the post, the emotions i'm getting are - anger, embarrasment, frustration amongst others (i may be wrong). However, i'm assuming your husband loves and cares about you and if you make it clear that his actions are causing you discomfort,then that should be sufficient to make him reconsider (
Talk to him and tell him how much this Charles fella bothers you. Ask him if he would be comfortable if your girlfriends gave you love advice that makes him miserable.
try talk to him in a gentle and calm manner..be urslf.....and do wat u can do best......
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