DISCLAIMER: Yes, I am a mother of 3. Some of you know that I am also a runner. Others of you who know me personally (yeah, the very small handful, lol!) know that I take my health as seriously as I can and as such, I try to make time to eat right and exercise. Okay, just wanted to get that disclaimer out of the way before I launch into a serious discussion that could become heated.
I just visited a site that had only one post and while I respect the author's opinion, I must confess, I was a tad ticked off. You see, this gentleman, he calls himself Nigerian Married Guy, asked a very simple question -
"Why do our Nigerian women feel its okay after pregnancy to just let go?"
He then went on to explain,
"Its not healthy, it’s not sexy! We, us, men are already battling with the F word (not the curse word) the other F(faithful)and the last thing we need is a wife at home that makes your mind even wonder anymore that it already is because she is not holding up to her side of the bargain.
This is not exclusive to just Nigerian women (fairness, fairness). But it seems to be especially unchecked amongst them. I have never seen a hot fat person and as far as I am concerned, that phrase right there should be motivation enough for anyone."
I cannot fault this man for being honest. I have to acknowledge and respect his opinion. Thankfully, I do not have to agree. I find it hard to accept that in a marriage, one's weight is on an equal plane as one's faithfulness to their spouse. In fact, I find it offensive that some believe that a wife's weight (and especially a wife that has had children) is a deal breaker that grants a man the right to cheat.
Yes, there are some women who let themselves go, but that is not what I am focusing on, I am focusing on the mentality that assumes it is fine to be unfaithful because a woman does not look the way she did when she got married. In my humble opinion, marriage is more than looks, and even faithfulness. It is about respect, and a commitment to come together and build something larger than either would have accomplished alone. At no point in the traditional marriage vows is there a clause for looks and appearances. But, I guess everyone sees things differently, and an overweight wife is not only not "holding up to her side of the bargain" but giving her husband reason to find a hotter, newer, (and sometimes, younger) model.
A spouse's weight is not a reason for cheating. Cheating boils down to a lack of control, combined with additional factors, such as a lack of communication and other problems in a relationship. These factors contribute to unfaithfulness. Women deal with enough issues, we carry the world on our shoulders already, let's not blame them for another problem, please.
Now, that being said, I must repeat, I cannot fault this man for being honest. His sentiment, unfortunately, reflects certain realities that no matter how disappointing are true. After I had my first child, I remember a cousin of mine, whose wife had just had a baby, saying to me, "Ah, adupe*, please don't be like all these Nigerian women that just let themselves go oh!" At the time, I rolled my eyes at him and then unleashed a lovely torrent about men and beer guts. lol! It was a bouyant discussion that brought many cousins into the mix. Anyway, I believe that women should take care of themselves and be healthy before and after pregnancy. That, however, does not mean a woman must be a certain size and I detest all pressures placed on women to look a certain size. So to all the ladies out there doing their best to stay in shape, be healthy and look fantabulous, more grease to your elbows.
But really, should the way a woman looks after pregnancy be the grounds upon which her husband can cheat? God, I hope not. At the very least, I hope Nigerian Married Guy's wife (assuming he is indeed married) knows that she better keep it together because if not...
PS: Nigerian Married Man, there is no beef. I am simply using your post to discuss an attitude shared by a large array of men and women. Please do not take this personal, but if you want to, no yawa.
* - Adupe is a Yoruba word for 'Thank goodness'.
55 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Nice one. I agree with you.
Men seem to forget that "letting go" is not the only reason some women become overweight. Women have so many other things to cope with after childbirth.
A man who wants to be unfaithful will be unfaithful. Even if the wife is as slim as sliced bread, he will only find another excuse.
long time, my fault.
well said jare.
It is beyond truth if that is possible.
I guess what scares mii, being a single naija woman, the most is that his honest opinion is a prevailing belief among naija men
100 years ago it used to be your ability to produce a male heir
20 years ago it was your ability to have a child
i really do wonder what is next
An unfaithful man will remain unfaithful even if his wife is in perfect shape!
Thank God for the faithful men around.
I'm a bit "tired" of hearing this "Nigerian women let themselves go after pregnancy/marriage" thing. Do these men stop to consider the pressures that come with running a home, taking care of them plus the baby(ies), and coping with life generally? Mostly all by ourselves????????
most times there's hardly any time left to really exercise...
I'm not saying it's good to be "fat"... but give we fat women a break/chance we're trying you know!!!!
It's a little sad to have that as an excuse to cheat. You/we need to ask ourselves why we get married?
I understand attraction must take place but love covers up for the so called 'fat mother' well that's what I think.
So much pressure on women , it may not be that she even wants to be that big but she just may not have time etc to exercise. so many reasons.
this man dey make me laugh eh. Well, i understand d dude's feelings joo. There was dis babe wey born pikin. D baby dey like 6 months now, yet babe still never shed her pregnancy weight! Ha! Even as chick myself, i didn't find it appealing. I like, wot excuse will dis babe give now 4 not losing weight? Personally, am very particular abt weight. Very. I've always dated slim men (even wen me i no slim myself o - imagine!). But i just didn't like plump dudes appealing, & i refused to buy any bullshit theory abt personality. I wanted a slim good man! Wherever he was, he was going to show himself fast. & i married a slim tall man. I tell him dat d day he gets fat is d day am giving me quit notice. Likewise, he too is particular abt weight as well. My MM should be a personal trainer, d way he bugs me abt packing on pounds.
Anyways, a man who cares a lot abt how his wife looks should make dat clear 2 her. & babes, if u know say ur man likes slim-fit, abeg arrange urself joo.
dat said, any man saying d reason y he's cheating is cos his wife is not fat is not telling himself d truth abeg. Why not get her registered in a gym. Or nag her to bits until she realizes dat her weight is a BIG O PROBLEM for u.
As a mother of 1, my husband is happy with my weight, but i'm simply working hard to fit into my "Uni days" jeans.
I believe that a woman must not necessarily be a size zero but should take good care of herself.
That said, it is naive to assume that it takes six months to lose baby weight. Some people have the tendency to put on weight more than other. Some people lose weight quicker than others. There are a number of factors (even genetic) to consider in this issue.
Any woman who has gone through pregnancy and birth, will contribute to this topic with clearer understanding.
Weight or not, a cheating man is a cheating man. Ladies, lets simply take care of ourselves and strive towards financial independence. If the man wants to misbehave...na him sabi.
I naturally agree with you. The only way a man can justify using his wife's weight gain as reason to cheat is if, prior to their marriage, he very clearly indicated that a weight gain of x amount would result in him straying, and who would marry a guy like that?
I think both men and women need to be realistic about a woman's weight as she has more children. It can be difficult for a tired mother of 1, 2, 3 or more children to fight their sluggish metabolism to remain fit. It isn't impossible to remain fit post-pregnancy, but we have to realize that no matter how they try, not all women will return to their exact shape pre-pregnancy, nor to their previous size.
Men need to be part of the solution. More men need to offer to watch the kids or hire a babysitter so their wives can devote time to fitness. They need to be constructive and helpful with their comments, offer to work out with her, help with the other things that must be done around the house so she can make her fitness a priority instead of spending the day running around trying to do everything, and not having enough time to focus on her health. Food is a good place where busy and tired moms might cut corners instead of buying fresh healthy ingredients and cooking it all from scratch. Husbands need to chip in more with the cooking or the prep, or at least free their wives up to make these healthy meals.
Nothing gets me more steamed than a man laying on his butt, developing his beer belly while watching tv, while his wife is doing the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. and he's despairing that she doesn't have time to work out and make sure she fits into the clothing she was wearing when they first met. If he wants her to be a fit as when they met, he better intend to be the same!
I feel sorry for the guy's wife, especially if she doesn't know all this. If it is that important to him, he should pay for a cleaning service and a cook, then babysit his newborn solo four times a week for as long as it takes to loose the weight!
I think Kafo (above) got it right; a man who wants to cheat will find any reason to do so.
I once knew a man who cheated on his wife because she was too thin! Even after two children, she was still as lean as a rake.
He was cheating on her with one Yokozumaish-looking girl like that. He said at least the money he spends on her is showing.
The irony was that the guys' sisters believed that the woman was just 'chopping' their brother's money without showing any 'dividends'.
You know what would follow next.
I'm female and i see where he is coming from.....he is not saying he will be unfaithful cos she is fat, he is saying that as a man, as with most men, they struggle to be faithful, their eyes stray to pretty young girls and to find watever else in the relationship one is dealing with it- so, it will be extremely helpful if his wife is hot....thats wat i think he was saying
with that said Eric Benet was married to Halle Berry who is by all accounts hot and still cheated - if sumone is going to cheat, they will cheat, my mum is skinny and my dad cheated on her with bigger girls - so you just pray that the one God will give you, will not be a cheat, regardless of how you look.
p.s. guys need to know that the same goes for women - cos shu if i marry u and you were skinny and your ass and tummy is now bigger than mine - u shouldn't be surprised im looking at another man
Guys who cheat will do so before and after marriage with whomever they please, no reason to do with partners weight, affections or whatever. These things are just an excuse. That said, I think women should take care of themselves and always be healthy.
Its hard to loose weight.not to talk of baby weight especially in the tummy area..fitness is my new obsession or has been y obsession for the past 6 months...dragging myself to the gym 6am twice a week is a hell of a task...i wonder how i’l keep fit when i have husband and kids to cater to...
That said...women let us do our damnest to keep fit
To the men...if you wanna cheat...dont feed us that lame excuse
oh wow that's pretty sad...and i def agree with u!
But that's a common mindset of naija men that I noticed recently...its a shame!
thanks for putting out there, i haven't had children yet but i know it can be difficult to try to loose the extra pounds when ur nursing a baby, being a wife and tryin to recover at the same time...Oga o, smh
I totally loved this! especially the first part about women feel it's okay after pregnancy to just lay back...then along the line they worry when oga starts to 'work overtime'...good stuff!
lol
Preach it sister.
lol @ d 1post blog...since January.
If all Nigerian men start thinking like this guy, I think I will remain single! Oginni, I am not condoning letting go but please cut her a slack. Get her a gym certificate as a gift and make an effort to join her there.
Fat=cheating is totally outrageous! I support you views jare my sister.
lol...this is the kind of man my dad would say...'please stay single' to.
weight or shape is not supposd to an issue for someone that wants to be faithful...
but then...
Ladies shall we try to keep it real?
Please let's stop blaming the innocent kids and coming up with a million other excuses for why we stop looking our best after marriage.
It's simply a matter of priorities. If something is important to you, you will find time to do it, no matter how busy you are.
Speaking as a married woman myself, I understand where "Married Naija Man" is coming from. After I got married, I just stopped trying to impress the man so I slowly started letting myself go, eating too much, spending less and less time exercising, not bothering to wear make up, and not bothering to dress fashionable. I also started leaving my hair undone for months at a time. So of course I gained weight and started looking frumpy and out of date. By the time you add all this up, I was very far from the HOT and sexy babe the man had married just a few years before. It wasn't like I did it deliberately, it just happened.
The hubby took it in his stride for six years, until he couldn't take it any longer. He called me, gave me some money to go shopping and get new clothes and new make up. He also advised me about my weight and told me that he had been keeping quiet all these years because he didn't want to put unnecessary pressure on me.
I thought about it long and hard, and I knew there was a lot of truth in what he was saying. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and I compared myself to my unmarried friends. There was a big difference. I wondered why they still looked fabulous and I had become like a fat frou-frou. Perhaps it was because mentally, I just stopped bothering to look good for my husband.
I decided to "reclaim my sexy" not just for hubby, but for me. Now a year later, I shudder when I look at old photos of myself when I was fat and frumpy. I actually feel very bad for allowing myself to get to that state. I also feel bad for hubby for having to put up with me all this time.
Ladies pleeeeeease let's not forget that our men are very visual creatures. Just because he doesn't tell you that he struggles with temptations doesn't mean he doesn't. He goes to work where he is in contact with hot sexy ladies. He watches TV, he sees young ladies looking their best everywhere, even in church! Please don't use babies and busyness as an excuse anymore. It's just not fair.
I'm not saying it is a license for a man to cheat, because some men are just unfaithful no matter what their wives look like. But please don't think that having a man that is faithful to you is an excuse not to look your sexy fabulous best at all times.
I've learnt my own lesson, girls, please don't learn your lesson the hard way.
hmm!!no matter how much weight u lose , a man would always cheat!!I'm an MOT (Mother of two)and what oyinbos class as slightly overweight after child birth.If a man cheats on his wife 'cos of her being overweight, then he never loved her in the first place.
I totally agree with u saying u dont av to agree with him, i think its shallow to think like dat for a guy and den using it as a basis for cheating , c'mon.
Look we women too like the ripped chest, biceps and all so wen u roll in with ur guts we love u like dat, d only reason u think u r a hot catch outside is cuz U r a Quest/challenge (MARRIED)to the daughters of jezebels out there, probably with some cash.
In my opinion , yes women we need to take care of ourselves, look good to feel good and healthwise : to take care of ur kids.
Nice M'am
a message from a Facebook reader
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Personally, I like big girls, if my wife gains weight, I'd be happy, as long as she can move, is smart, and can carry herself :P
So we aint all the same. the whole fat thing, weight thing is overhyped.
Well just to tell you we arent all the same (Men) I mean...
- A (from Facebook)
A comment from a Facebook reader
**************
Well I guess, ladies can leave if the man becomes poor! Any excuse, foolish man. Had to stop reading as I have to keep my blood pressure low!
But then again, Nigerian women are known to comment on facebook pictures, pointing out how fat a "friend" has become. Still waiting for someone to make the mistake and say that to me. Hmm!! My real Egin/Ijebu mix will come to the fore.
- K (from Facebook)
A comment from a Twitter reader
*************
since when do people need permission to cheat?
- N (from Twitter)
A comment from a Facebook reader:
*****************
the whole agreement was to have been for better for worse.. i guess the same argument with weight also holds if she loses an arm in an accident?
- Danny B.
These are the same men that want their wives to remain faithful and wait on them hand & foot after they go broke abi? Why did he let his financial health go then? Nonsense & ingredients?
Anyone who sets out to find fault will. I think everyone should endeavor to be healthy.
well....I don't know.
I am FAT. Probably always would be. I Dress competently well and I don't have problems with Men finding me attractive. I really cannot be bothered jare. I just think I have better things to do with my time.
If me staying thin is a big factor in his attraction to me, and his attraction is a prerequisite for faithfulness and I agree to this IDIOCY before marriage then he has the right to demand this.
Otherwise, Nigga please.
If I gain more weight or not, if I fall short or not, its my husband's responsibility to commit to our marriage. Marriage is bigger than both party's wants and needs. Once you commit then there is no going back even if I get as big as gargantuan and even if his ass gets broke, stupid, or insane.
And since when is it my responsibility to make sure u find me attractive. Find a way to find me attractive hieffer.
Unfaithfulness shows disrespect and lack of discipline.
I learnt that marriage goes beyond looks...and just because the woman let her self go does not give a man the license to cheat! Disgusting idea if you ask me!!!
Personally,I wish all wives with cheating husband will castrate them!!!...but that sounds to harsh...so I guess mercy prevails!!!:-)
It is not an excuse to be unfaitful but it goes both ways!
Ladies would you like it if your man/bobo/hubby piled on the pounds?
I think most men are just as sensitive about their weight too..even though they try to cover up their insecurities with gra gra..
Try your best to preserve the sexy..
...that isn't and shouldn't be used as an excuse to justify straying eyes.
There are women who are Plus-sized before marriage or childbirth and there are also men who love them whole heartedly..
I also think the distance married women cover in a day racing after kids, cooking, cleaning, picking up his clothes, washing et al is exercise enough.:-)
Ok like you said, the guy was honest enough to say what most Nigerian men think. Truth be told Nigerian men I've been known to cheat on the hottest of girls and this is another sick excuse to carry on with their ways. Cheating is engrained into the psyche of the average Nigerian man but I wonder why they still make excuses for it. There's just no need for that. We know most men will cheat. we have accepted that, please just dont make us feel worse that we already feel.
As for Nigerian women and post pregnancy weight, I think the issue goes far beyond being healthy or unhealthy. Back in the days fat was attractive so I guess most women still think the 'real Nigerian men' still prefers ample flesh. Unfortunately our men are now Europeanise so women must get with the program. Before a woman gets married she does her best to look good so why stop in marriage. One of the things we must learn as women is that our men are visually driven. So as much as I hate to say this we women must stay in shape and in good health as much for ourselves and for our men. There's no guarantee it's going to stop your man from straying but at least you've done your bit.
Very nicely written...I could not agree more....that your wife has gained weight is such a lame excuse for cheating...do better
So much has been said already and I agree totally.
If you were 'hot' before you got married, why stop?
If you got 'fat' after having a few kids, do your best to stay in shape and husbands, do your best to support the lady!
She carried those babies, ate for two, labored, gave birth, breast-fed....cut her some slack will you and support her! Don't go cheating just because she is no longer as hot as he used to be. Where's the love huh?
The way, I see it, it takes two to make a marriage work.
It's just absolutely lame to justify unfaithfulness by blaming the woman's weight gain. Total bollocks.
That said, it's important to know what you like and don't like, watch out for those traits in ur partner.
Before one picks a spouse, you know what things they pay attention to. A woman (skinny or not) who didn't bother about her weight before you wifed her, shouldn't be expected to do so after you marry her. So, I think each person gets a glimpse of where they're going before they get there.
Haven't you seen newly married men who suddenly expanded beyond recognition, a la wifey's good cooking? If the guy wasn't particular about keeping in shape before he got married, he'll let himself go too!
I've been trying to lose weight myself, and I know that it's not the easiest thing to do. Every woman doesn't need to be skinny, but every woman needs to be healthy.
I couldn't have said things better than u did.
Your wife's looks has nothing to do with cheating. Isn't marriage about helping each other/loving/bla bla
If a man does not like how his wife looks, I would think he'd sign her up @ planetfitness and help her out. Convey his message without hurting the wife's feelings...I think it's daft to think a woman would look the same before and after birth.
I think we are getting something wrong here,are we suppose to look good,trim and presentable bcos of our men alone.My answer is capital NO,do it for yourself bcos you want to and not just to get your man attention.It does something to your self confidence.
Whether you are slim or fat,any man that want to cheat will cheat.You can can never understand men,this same men that complain will list out the dos and dont of dressing to their wife and tell them stories on how they should dress their status!funnily,my husband complains has always been why do you always like to look like a babe and am always like do i have to pretend am your mother when am just 40 and will complement other people's wife o.
First of all, most nigerian men have potbellies. Those that don't, will. End of story. Abeg women focus on your health and not your weight.
i respect woman who care enough to exercise and diet just to be fit for their husbands, to me, that is not a bad idea at all. if a husband likes, and marries a slim wife, i think the wife should try to remain slim if it's really important to her husband.
however,i have no respect for men who think a slim woman is the best thing since... whatever. i think those men are shallow. a man doesn't cheat on his wife cuz she is fat, that is just a lame excuse to make his wife share the guilt of his infidelity. Men also cheat on very slim, beautiful ladies. some men just like to behave like dogs and give silly excuses like 'my wife is fat'. what is that?
i have seen men who are addicted to their really fat wives, and others who are faithful to slim wives. those are the men. the rest are just weak excuses for men. weaker are the ones who claim to cheat cuz their wives are fat. in the next 100yrs when being fat would be like the cool thing to do, you would see those weak excuses for men who claim to cheat cuz their wives are thin.
nonetheless, if a man says he likes a slim wife, i think the wife shouldn't punish him by not watching her weight. but to say it is the reason for cheating is just weak, and really lame
i agree with you SSD...some men take this weight thing so serious that they do not touch on other aspect of their marriage...this post says it all
I totally agree with you that citing a spouse's size as justification for being unfaithful is absurd. I wonder if the logic swings both ways. I also agree cheating is a testament to lack of restraint.
However, let us not deny that some men are indeed absurd. Especially the shallow over-excitable ones. Staying sexy helps curb their enthusiasm o! While for some, no amount of being fit matters as they just can't breathe without something fresh off the assembly line every now and then. Those ones justify themselves with a billion reasons in addition to spouse being overweight. It is a horrible dirty truth.
Its very ridiculous and that's why I always tell my female friends to know their man before entering the ring. There is no harm in lookery, but If his eye can't stay one place, danger! If you still jump in regardless, better keep fit & hope for the best.
Is it also ok for a woman to go on a cheating spree because her husband who had a six pack before they got married now looks perpertually pregnant?
I think it's a bit dumb to make a woman's weight an excuse for cheating.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not for losing all the sexy hotness, my husband and i go to the gym together ...listen man, you gotta support your wife if you want her to lose weight...and discuss your expectations clearly..
Woman, don't let yourself go just because you have a man to call your own and you now have kids, i don't have any yet but when i do, i shall be a sexy hot mama still! lol
Silly excuse for cheating!
SSD! thanx for caring enough to check on me, I reaally appreciate it. i am good, just not been motivated to write is all.
very good post here, u were much kinder to nigerian married man than i would've been if i had responded...lol.
u are a runner? really? professional?
I didn't read all the comments but I wanted to say to Kike that your comment was spot on. It's very true. When we are single women, all our energy and time is focused on us. When married with children and a household to run, it's so easy to devote all our energy and time to those things that there's nothing left for ourselves. But truly loving yourself means that you put yourself first no matter what. You take care of yourself. Honestly, you never know what could happen. That marriage you take for granted could end through death or something else. You'd be back on the market just like that. How will you fare if you look tired, worn down, unattractive, frumpy? We should all be willing to acknowledge that for many women, having children significantly changes their bodies. But that doesn't mean a woman can't look her best even if the stomach is not quite as flat as it used to be and there a few more stretch marks. The most important part is making a sincere effort to keep those physical things that your husband was attracted to you for in the first place in good repair. And then, also, there must be an agreement too. While you are sweating working out, spending hours getting hair, nails and eyebrows done (if that's your thing), he's taking care of things at home (kids, housework, etc) and shelling out the money to get these things done in the first place (either through paying for childcare or paying for the gym, hairstylist, etc). It's give and take, give and take as long as everyone is clear on expectations and has agreed to meet them.
And I don't think the author was looking for an excuse to cheat per se . . . just saying that he wants to keep his eyes at home but there's nothing much to look at. I just hope he's expressed this as honestly (and tactfully) to his wife.
Ok the man needs to HUSH up, as in a woman's weight in no way ties to a man being faithful. I get his drift but seriously?
Thing is, even in regular relationships it seems to be then BOTH parties seem to let go...probably get too comfy and all so I don't even think that it's just a woman thing. With that said, I will try to keep it hot and sexy for the hubby but after popping kiddies, if I do not look like I did 10 years ago I had better not catch his ass cheating or na boiling hot water wey I go pour on his kini. LMAO
eemmm....i'm not on Twitter o. Is there a Tigeress on twitter?
Like I said earlier, it's the HARD TRUTH that most women let themselves go after marriage.
If you are married and you have stopped looking your best then it will be obvious to anyone with eyes. Just look at your wedding day photos and compare with what you see in the mirror today.
But God forbid a man with warm blood running through his veins should point this out to us women. We don't like to hear the truth, so we only hear what we assume the man is saying.
Thank you Chi-Chi for pointing out that the guy did NOT actually say he will go out and cheat on his wife. He is simply stating that an unattractive wife at home makes it harder for him to be faithful, when he sees fabulous-looking ladies outside everywhere.
He is facing temptation. Damn it ladies, he is only human!
Wives, get your act together and keep looking fabulous after you get that wedding ring!
No beef here too.
But why equate Faithfulness to Fat?
So what if men are about what they see?
If we're skinny you'll still cheat anyway, so what's the point?
I don't support being over weight.
But he's reasoning just doesn't cut it!
Men should have conversations with their woman if he feel as if she has let herself go. When, for example, some women gain weight during and after pregnacy, i know they can't help it, but sometimes it's not a good look and the woman often never try to lose the weight. If the man loves her, he'll accept her no matter what though.
I completely agree with u SSL. Everything else I'd like to say has already been said. Me myself is planning to stay fly after I have kids ( i know thats easier said than done) but like you said, taking care of one self is very important whether ur a man or a woman. And you bet im telling my hubby the same. Im telling him to lay off the beer already :-D lol
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