It seems that I am getting more and more issues about Mother-in-Laws and their wahala. Here is another one and it seems that this lady, lets call her Chichi, is determined to deal with this problem once and for all. Please give her some serious strategy on how to handle her situation.
Thank you.
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My husband and I are expecting our first child and my mother in law is coming from Nigeria to stay with us pending the arrival of her grandchild. My husband is her first son and she is quite excited, but even though she is yet to get here she is already causing me sleepless nights.
I have elected to have a cesarean and it seems my MIL is not happy about that. She believes that the procedure is simply a way for doctors to make more money and even argues that it will be harmful to the child. Now mind you, she is no doctor, and she is not a nurse. I have spoken at length about the decision with my doctor and I am comfortable with the decision. My husband was comfortable with it as well but now that his mother is complaining, he is beginning to stress me out, asking me to reconsider.
I have chosen for now to not engage either of them. My husband is easy, I simply need to put my foot down and he will let this go. We tend to not argue and know how to solve our issues. But my mother in law, that is another issue. She has been known to cause trouble in the homes of her daughters. Her oldest daughter, Mary, is now separated from her husband over some stunts my MIL pulled over there, but I rather not go into that. All I know is that I cannot allow her to sow seeds of destruction in my young marriage.
She has accused me of wanting to take "the easy way out", of wanting to waste her son's money (mind you, my insurance is covering the delivery) and even has made comments to my husband's aunts over here prompting them to call me and say rude things about how real mothers do this, or that. Anyway, I am seeking to aggressively deal with this problem because it is my right to discuss with my husband what decisions we will make regarding our children and our home. I don't want someone else, MIL or not, interfering to our detriment.
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Okay people, let me just say that I had all 3 of my children via C-Section and it is no big deal. A recent conversation with a friend revealed that some of our mothers believe that a woman is not a real mother until she has "pushed out" her children. *eye roll*. C-Sections are life savers for some children, particularly those suffering from fetal distress during labor (as was the case for my diva TE) and many mothers simply do not want to entertain the possibility of vagina tears which sometimes require surgery to fix. I just don't understand why some people won't simply allow other people to live their lives jeje. Anyway, forgive my rant. May I simply add that Chichi's hubby, (let's call him Michael), is not the sort of man to 'challenge' his mother, so there is little expectation that he will discourage her from making rude comments.
Alright, over to you guys...
44 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
FIRST!!!! Woohoo!
Sigh! Why is this a discussion again? Anyway I would give you responsible african girl answer. Respectfully (this is important) remind your husband that you guys already settled on this decision and you guys are running the home together not in partnership with his mother. Fini.
mmm did not read the qualifier about the hubby at the bottom of post. I would say just agree with what she says for now and stick to the plan you formed with your physician. If your husband won't challenge his mother maybe he will be open to some trickery.
oya o!
She should come and give birth to the baby now.....
Like Mogaji said.....agree let peace rain....you already have an agreement with your doctors.
No need to sweat yourself in your condition. I will choose the easy way out for child bearing anyday!
I wonder how many people can tell just by looking at people, not just kids....that they were pushed out/sectioned out.....*almost hissing.
Hmm, the agonies of having a domineering MIL and a son who's a tiny little bit weak or can't stand up to his darling mum.. All she has to do is gently assume the pretense that she has listened and accepted the MIL's opinion and give the doctor her wishes, which, since she's the one signing the papers and also whose insurance covering it,the doctors will adhere to.. No need sparing with the MIL or the family.. It's a fight that wouldn't end in a jiffy nor nicely.. Act the fool but quietly do what you want..
www.askchacha4free.blogspot.com
So MIL wants to drink panadol for another woman"s headache.
As much as i do not support the "opting out" thing 'cos i believe that should be left as the last option..... Lady plssss make sure you do that C-section to spite her and make it clear to ur husband that decisions pertaining to ur home does not need to be discussed with "mummy.". Infact why did u people tell her sef? and are u sure u really want this woman in your house in the name of helping to take care of your child? Her first daughter is seperated because of one of her staunts.... uhmmm THINK o, abeg THINK, THINK!!!
As long as ur sure a cs is wat u want to do,
pls go ahead...just ignore her and her son and do wats best for u
no point arguing cos u def will lose.
theres an ibo proverb dat says 'eh anaro ese okwu' meaning dat saying yes dosn't cause wahala..
Wen shes ranting, just act like uv heard...den go and do ur cs o jare..
You have had the chance at your own family, why are you trying to run someone's home? It's so selfish! God says that a man would leave his home (father and mother) and become one with his wife. In- Laws need to learn to respect the institution. That being said, if any family member tries nonsense with me, a ma wo sokoto kan. I have little tolerance for bullshit.
Chichi needs to throw a massive tantrum just once. Full on crying and screaming, maybe roll on the floor once OR she could just tell her mother in law that she is having the C-section and that she doesn't want to hear anything else about it. As for those aunties that are calling, she should tell them she doesn't want to discuss it, if they persist, she hangs up. No need to argue with anyone, just go ahead and do it.
She needs to put her foot down and if possible get her own mother involved. I have heard the opinion that if u didn't push ur child out u r not a real woman. It's still a common belief till today. Why they felt the need to tell the MIL that she was having a C-section in the first place is beyond me. Anyway, it's her life and her body, i think she should not engage the woman in this discussion and just go ahead and do what she wants. There is no convincing some people to see ur point, so no need to try that.
I just read some comments and from what i know, u can't just elect to have a c-section without a valid reason. There has to be something going on before the Doctor suggests that option. Like SSD said, it usually done to ensure the safety of the mother and child.
I would´nt encourage a c section if there is nothing that speaks against having a natural birth.That being said, at the end of the day, it is your baby, your womb don´t let anybody push you into doing something you are not comfortable with. Stand your ground.
Should a pregnant woman actually be under all this stress? Tell your husband that he and his Mum are increasing your blood pressure and that is putting you and his future heir in jeopardy!
I am wondering why this is an issue, did she have to tell MIL her mode of delivery????I jst wondering o!!!!
You don born..you don born be dat whichever way its the safety of the mother and child that matters.
Tell MIL you have heard, when ur delivery day comes choose whatever mode you want. Afterall no be grand pickin she wan see? abi?
i would advice the chic
"say nothing until you are on your 36th week then decide to have a c-section".
No need to separate the family by fighting or arguing.
Na wa for all these troublesome MIL's sha. Who told her that C-Sections are the easy way out? Does she know about the pain on the suture site after you have been discharged from the hospital and can no longer just request the opiates left and right? *HISSSSSSSS*
In fact, both methods are not easy. It's just with vaginal birth you experience most of the pain, during the birthing process, whereas with C sections, the pain is after the birthing due to the numbing during the actual surgery (if the anesthesia actually works for you). Has she heard of the unfortunate people who are given anesthesia for c sections but the anesthesia didn't work?
The MIL needs to mind her business; before anyone elects to have a C section, I am sure she has carefully examined the potential benefits and consequences. The husband in this case needs to grow some major balls and stop being a momma's boy; explain to his momma that having a c section is the best option and that's what they have chosen, and also the Insurance company is paying for it.
Wifey needs to explain to MIL/her advocate aunts one more time, and if they choose not to listen; tell them that would be the last time she would be addressing/entertaining that discussion. PERIOD!
After that, just totally ignore them when they bring it up; smile, listen and say thank you when they finish talking about it, but offer no response.
At the hospital, you are the person signing all the paperwork for the procedure, that's all that matters.
These overbearing MIL's scare me sha! YUCK!
The simple solution to all of this is that the MIL will be JUST FINE.
The woman should "jeje-ly" ignore her mother-in-law. Like everyone else said, I'm not sure why they needed to tell the MIL about her method of delivery. Couldn't she just nod her head to all the rubbish and then after the child is born just say, "ohh it was last minute, next time."
Since the MIL now knows, there is no point lying because I'm sure even if Chichi has a natural birth the MIL still won't believe. I know its hard, but she just has to grit her teeth and bear it. She needs to put her foot down with her husband and tell him to GROW UP. He needs to put on a FATHER hat now, and drop that SON hat. It is very hard to let someone keep talking about something while you have to restrain yourself from slapping them, but its just what Chichi needs to do until the baby is born and this MIL goes home.
However, Chichi should be prepared for the MIL to start talking about the child and mentioning how he/she wasn't born "naturally". But this later matter can be solved very easily. You tell her to shut up. Finito.
See why I wrote about Parent-Child Separation Syndrome?
http://egodujour.blogspot.com/2009/12/journal-of-lifegenetics-volume-1.html
Its because of things like this! IF her son would tell her she'll be just fine then the MIL would HAVE to calm down.
February 26, 2010 11:08 AM
I don't know about aggressively sha, but Chichi should respectfully stand her ground. I agree with what most others have said.
i read this while talking to my mum on the phone so i just asked her.
my mum said she has advised many people to do c-section cos its wayy easier and since you are abroad its also a pretty safe procedure.my mum gave birth to six kids naturally so trust me she knows what she is talking about.
i googled and people who die from natural births are wayy higher than people who die from c-section so obviously its safer too.
im not even going to elaborate the fact that it is her body and the child is her child..she will be the one carrying this baby for 9 months and she will be the one to bear the pains of natural births..so she better do what SHE wants to do cos its her freaking body!!
i cant stand mothers-in-law like this..im so glad that my daddy;s mother was never like this to my mum.when she died my mum even cried louder than my dad that some people thought it was her own mother who died.
and besides my mum just said that most people who do c-section have a problem..something like age or something wrong.they dont just opt to just have the c-section.
Abeg forget that MIL and just do what is right for you besides its your body and not hers also try and make your husband understand if he refuses to just ignore him and do what is good for you.
i would say that yes, it's your body but your body is designed to give birth vaginally. C-Section, contrary to the way modern medicine likes to make it seem, is actual surgery. It's not like, say, a dental cleaning. If your body can birth a baby the way it was meant to, it should. I don't think your mother in law should be in your business to that extent but I'd say do some more research, develop faith in your body's ability and view C-section as emergency surgery for the safety of baby and mother.
I dont have any children yet but I feel she does not need to engage in any such nonsense. She cannot stress herself at this time. Please please please, do not engage in anything like arguing over something you have already decided with your husband and your doctor. Don't talk about it. If anyone brings it up, give them a blank stare. On the day of delivery, if necessary, ban everyone but your husband from the delivery room and focus on your baby.
Sorry . . . I meant to say your MIL should not be in your business to that extent. I agree with Lucid . . .it's so important to keep your focus on what really matters: your baby.
Dear Sister if I have ever heard a time when the term REBUKE YOU should be used - it is Against the MIL.
the wife/mother to be should tell her mil and hubby to come and go to the doctor with her if they have worries about who is and isn't a mother because of the delivery process.
I must admit that I too had to deal with this mess of a discussion and if I had gone with a c-section, I would have delivered two healthy babies at the same time, instead of one blue baby and one stillborn.
after this craziness of natural birth and 21 stressful hours of natural labour taxing the baby and the mom, I say have the C-Section and deliver a healthy baby safely; then tell the mother in law to come babysit and change diapers (side-eye) especially poopy diapers so she can brag about how much the baby eats and poops.
that should be enough for the MIL.
The Adults who made these babies are the ones who should make the decision about the babies. not the sidebar parties.
I don't know why this is an issue but here's what I'd do if I were her...
I'll complain to my doctor about how stressed out I am, pressure etc..and I'll ask him to call my husband and warn him about putting his wife and child under distress...infact, from now on, the wife has to be handled with kiddies gloves...so much is at stake, etc etc...
If possible, he should make that call as often as possible..every two weeks or so...just to make sure the pressure is really off.
Note: I don't really understand why she just cant tell her to fuck off though...
I say set her plane ticket for after the delivery and also set a roundtrip at the same time so she can leave quick and just say it was a cheaper deal. Also if she has other relatives then let her go visit them as much as possible when she gets there. Honestly this woman seems like one to avoid and not battle with.
push...
well like i'll always think...say...women who have given children birth are strong...jus the way mary's MIL is strong, she is as well...if her MIL was plannin on givin birth to her grandchildren then...
na only mary know the child wey she dey carry...even if there were 5 experienced drivers sitting in a car, the one with the steering wheel is in charge
...for me it would be easier to speak sha...i neva born before...but i've seen things and heard things too...
"for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother...and be joined to his wife"
let michael know that he is joined to his wife oh...his umblical (is that how it is spelt ni?) cord has been cut
:)
My son was a c section because they thought he was a 10 lb baby, he was only 9 lbs. When it was time to give birth to my daughter my MIL was horribly upset because she was a doula and wanted to officiate over the delivery. I elected to have a c-section with my daughter because I could make that choice having already had a section. I put my foot down early and often. I told my husband he had to back me up. My MIL was convinced that having a vaginal delivery after a c- section was no problem. After my delivery the doctors mentioned to my overbearing MIL that my uterus had come apart at the scar of my original c-section and was just holding on by a thread. Had I tried to deliver vaginally I could have bled to death. She has kept her distance ever since.
Chichi needs to stand up for herself.
Na wa o! Why are some mothers like this? I simply do not understand why the feel the need to control their sons and I actually don't understand why their sons allow it!
Chichi darling,i have a grand plan no one here has tot of and i wonder why.now dis is my take,Stop arguin with mum and son,tell them u av agreed so they wont give u high BP in dis ur last trimester,since d c-section is optional,am guesiin it means u don't want to go into labour @ all abi?good.if u plan to av d surgery on d 20th of march for instance,fall into fake labour,YES fake labour @ 2am,they rush u to d hospital,u begin to SCREAM and hit hubby,squeeze his hand,tell him u r neva havin sex again...e.t.c till morning afta which ur doctor(u need to plan dis wit him) will come out and hurriedly tell ur MIL or hubby to quickly sign d consent form if they need u and d baby alive....they will hurriedly sign it and there,u have ur c-section.....i jus dunno if an oyibo man would agree to this........one should always try thr very best to strike a balance btw dis DIFFICULT MIL's and "soft" sons....good luck dear
Also,it cracks me up when people insinuate that not natural birth makes u a real woman,I tot gettin pregnant in d 1st place already made u a real woman??jokers!!!!as far as am concerned,having breasts and ovaries is enuf to make u a real woman!!!!
tell Mil u are delivering baby
go into the delivery room-get a c-section
Q.E.D
Both procedures have risks and benefit. Neither is better than the other in my own opinion. I've seen c-section go horribly wrong in healthy women who could easily have had natural births. At the same time i've seen immidiate and long term complications of natural birth.
So i believe is a matter of personl chouice also in conjuction with ur Dr's advice which this lady has done.
I say stand you ground on this issue because ur MIL is making an issue over absolutely nothing. Make sure u insits that she is not present at the delivery!
i agree with Mogaji. i dont like the sound of 'he does not challege his mother'. henceforth, husband and wife, keep ur decisions to urselves.
Mother-in-law aside, all I have to say is that it is much easier on the body to heal when you have a vaginal delivery. I have had both vaginal delivery and 2 c-sections. While the c-section is usually regarded as "no big deal" because it is so common these days, it is still major surgery and the recovery time is longer.
Having said that, I do not know the reasons why she is scheduling the c-section. There may be a medical reason for it.
Either way, it really is none of my business to judge, so I won't. It is not her mother-in-laws place to judge, either. So she shouldn't.
I just wanted to give you my point of view from my personal experiences.
I wish her good luck and good health!! Enjoy your new baby!
I'd go with Lucidlilith cos with these in-laws one must be verrry diplomatic. I just tire for these men some times, you people will decide something between you and all of a sudden one inlaw will come and change your plans.
In your case, I wouldn't hold it against him though, am sure he does not really care how the baby comes out as long as it comes healthy. . .
But whatever you do, do not confront your MIL, or argue with your husband. Put your foot down and do what you need to do. They will only find a way to make it your fault if you argue with the home wrecker too much.
I never had a c-section and never even considered it but its your body and your choice, I don't know why everybody has an opinion about everything, how you have your baby, breast or bottle, and it goes on and on. Sha do whats ok with you. Wishing you safe delivery. . .
not a mother yet but i have a friend who elected to have a c-section and i was in full support cuz it's so much easier. WRONG. just thinking of the pain she went through in the weeks after she had the baby will be enough motivation for me to push my (future) kids out.
that being said, its your decision. but i will also add that u should weigh it well well. since u guys already shared that info with her she will probably use it as ammunition against u in the future.
for now concentrate on your health and that of your baby, stick to whatever method you prefer and hope for the best. or pray they don't give her a visa...
How did it even get to the mother-in-law that she wants a C-Section in the first place. She really does have more problems on her hand than this c-section palaver o if this kind of matter gets to her M-in-law in the first place.
of course, u can elect to have a c-section for reasons other than medical..so if she opted to not have vaginal birth, i'm sure she well researched it and they both took the decision..
well, she has to apply wisdom cos at the end of the day, the MIL is still her hubby's mom and wisdom is the principal thing..esp as the woman has a history of breaking up marriages
meanwhile, she's igbo is it not her mom that shd come to take care of the baby..
wisdom, d bible says is profitable to direct! Chichi will gain nothing from fighting with this women, esp so early in her marriage. as all d pple above had commented, let her say 'yes mummy' to her first. Abi, d woman go dey dia wen delivery time reach? She go follow chichi enter labour ward? this matter is simple. Chichi should agree to do what MIL is saying, wen time reach let her get her CS. If MIL later finds out say na CS she take deliver, let her say na d docs force am. Cos if she starts fighting this woman now,hmmm let her just get ready 2 fight her 4ever o, cos e be me like say d woman's middle name na trouble! & bet u, thereis no man dat will enjoy having his wife & his mom disagreeing all d time. If dude can't speak to his mother, well we need not guessing how he will be directing his frustrations on na - na him wife! Chichi, abeg, be wise. Discretion is better than valour.
Hey! hope am not late in commenting sha? Firstly, is it not free in hospitals? Pls sorry if i sound naive bcox a close relative put to them exactly a month ago thru c -sec & told us that it was absolutely free! They live in ARBEDEEN [scotland].
So my comment;
Is there any complication WHATSOEVER? If NOT, why don't you go through the NATURAL process as it is your first born to have the experience? As for your MIL; Get your husband on your side through anymeans you can & Alas! the rest is Histroy! Are you a YORUBA? If not, Your MIL has no business coming now, until your own mother had come to visit first & gone! Well, if you are afraid of the 12-16 hours of GRUELING pain, i understand BUT remember every child delivery is PAINFUL!
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