Hey, everybody, I hope you have had a wonderful week. This week, a reader is wondering whether to stay or leave the relationship she is in. Feel free to share your thoughts, but please keep it respectful. Thanks!
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Dear Solly:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is my best friend and we have had a wonderful relationship, no major complaints to share, except that whenever he comes to my apartment, he never puts the toilet seat down.
Now, for some background, we had known each other for about 3 months before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, he came to my house to take me to the airport for a trip and while we were at my place, he told me how much he liked me and that he would like me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, he took me to the airport and when I came back from my trip we seamlessly edged into a full fledged relationship.
A few days ago, he called me in the middle of the night and told me we needed to talk. During the conversation he confessed that at the very beginning of our relationship, he slept with someone. Apparently, when I was away on my trip (the one he took me to the airport for), he got drunk and had sex with a girl. They had sex more than once, but he swears that they stopped having sex before I returned. I am devastated because we have had a great relationship and now, I don't even think I know him anymore. I mean, we have been in a relationship for almost a year and I had no clue. He has told me on numerous occasions that he fell in love with me the minute he saw me, so, how could he have sex with someone else right after asking me out? He has also told me repeatedly that he would never cheat on me, something I have always been very concerned about because my father cheated on my mother mercilessly when she was alive. I saw how his disloyalty destroyed my mother and I rather not go through that.
I am confused about what to do next and need some help. Is it worth staying with him? He swears that he only slept with her and has never cheated with any other person during our relationship. But, he absolutely refuses to tell me the name of the girl he slept with and now I am paranoid - thinking it could be anybody. And, if I break up with him? We are on the verge of our 1 year anniversary and he had been talking about marriage before he made his confession. I just don't know and need some help, please. Thank you.
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Well, I hope we can offer some concrete suggestions to this young lady called Lola (fictional name). Her boyfriend can simply be referred to as Michael (fictional name).
24 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Wow...I'm first for the first time in a long time...lol!
I'll say if the sister is having a chaotic state of mind, then call it quits because its ur heart telling u that somethings wrong. If he's done it more than once, then he'll do it after u're married. its that simple. I'm a guy and I've seen my friends do the same thing.
Yes, he was honest enuff to tell u. But do u know why he told u? If it had happened when he got drunk, its understandable but since he's done it besides the time he was drunk, then there's something wrong- the dude is gonna find it hard to stay faithful.
unless u want to live with paranoia, break the relationship b4 it breaks u. Sleeping with another may be forgiven when its done under influence but when its a repeated action under no influence, theres a problem.
Lola has to go with her gut on this one. Does she believe what Micheal says when he says he stopped sleeping with the girl, is the girl the only person he's slept with, is he otherwise untrustworthy? Did the girl have a child for him? Is Micheal telling her the whole truth about his fling? I think she should give him credit for telling her on his own, most men don't confess on their own; so that says something about how Micheal feels about her.
Technically when he slept with the other chick, their relationship was still in a gray area, so is it really cheating?
Lola is letting past hurts cloud her thinking, and its important for her to make a decision based on Micheal's behavior and her history with him only, so she's being fair to herself & to him. As for getting married to him, I would recommend pre-engagement counseling before committing to marrying him to make sure they can work things out.
Also stop pressing Micheal for the chick's name, just ask him if it's a friend or relative of yours, if the answer is no, then forget the chick, knowing her name does you no good.
lola...you know michael way better than we do...so you have to make a choice based on the facts and what you know.
i think i am with afronut on this but prayerfully decide the next step of action.
... made top 5 yaaaaaaaaaaaay! pray about it... and stop sleeping with him to clear your head and make, hopefully the right decision - that is not based on emotion.
kpakpando has got it right on point, IMO.
He told u on his own - that's a point in his favor.it's not a classic feature of a cheater and shows he wants to make things right.
and whatever reasons one might think of,(like the relationship was not defined then) you really have to think things over and decide if, inspite of this confession, u can trust him again.
then give it another try..
yeah, i would say give it another try..with communcation and honesty, it can work!!
i think everyone has said what i wanted to say...pray, follow your guts, talk about it with him but you don't need to know the girls name...you can forgive him and trust him again and move on....but its up to you to make the best decision for you, not wat your friends say not even what we say...this is strictly you....goodluck and God Bless
NOPE! I say leave him. You gys have only ben going out for a year and he already cheated. Being drunk is not an excuse, it only gave him the guts or excuse to do what he felt like doing. If within a yr of your relationship (when things are still fresh) he has cheated, then what will happen when you guys have been married for 20 years and the sex or relationship is predictable? I am sorry but unless there is more to the story I dont see how he wont cheat again. Bear in mind he slept with teh chick more than ONCE. Was hedrunk the 2nd time? Even if he was, does this mean he will never get drunk for the rest of his life? The answer is probably no, so just know that anytime he drinks in the future he might cheat again. Your peace of mind as been shattered, leave him before it gets harder. Gd luck.
hmmmmm
for me oh, unless n a case of really bad serial cheating (as i recently got enlightened on) i.e. maybe d man sleeping with 5 women @ a time like featured here on TTTEC, i no fit get opinion oh. if na me sha, i fit forgive & forget & let life go on. But den, i've never had a bf cheat on me. ok, maybe i should say, i've never discovered a bf cheating. my philosophy has always been: don't cheat on me; but if u do, don't let me find out!!!!!! So, Michael confessing wouldn't have scored points with me.
If a man cheats on you when you're not married, i think he's likely to do it again when you get married. He asked you out and then went and had sex with some other woman..on the other hand, he told you himself, that's a plus for him, he must have a conscience.
To tell you the truth Lola, no one can make this decision for you, you should pray and go with your guts.
If you've been sleeping together, stop, clear your head, pray and think about it.
I pray you make the right decision for you!
I think you shouldn't just rule him out yet,he could easily have not told you.Talk to him,pray and hold on a bit on the marriage move.
Somebody somewhere said that most women whose husbands cheat on them know full well that the man WILL cheat on them at some point.
Here's your boyfriend who's been having sex with someone else.
He even told you. So let us assume that since he told you about this one girl, then there is at least one other girl that he didn't tell you about.
If you want to marry someone that did not hesitate to cheat on you then go ahead. But don't be surprised in the least when he cheats on you again.
Two things that stand out for me are that he told you of his own volition, but on the other hand it wasn't a one off
For me...the second part makes me question his ability to be faithful. Clear your head, be true to yourself...the answer would come to you, most times, time gives us a clearer picture
Ha, this one pass me sha. But all the same, tell it to God and follow your intuition.
hmmm..:(...I've forgiven a cheating bf b4...funny enough it was about 9 months into our relationship that it happened....right then and there i couldn't forgive...but eventually i did but things just didn't work out..we are best friends today....This is really about u...Like someone said on here most guys do not come out and tell the truth unless...they prolly feel blackmailed, you caught them and they just can't lie anymore, there's a kid involved(blackmail still), or they really care about u and felt the need to come clean and make the relationship right.....so make ur choice. I am like you..i am inquisitive..I wanna know who and when. I asked and yea he lied a few times and i eventually found out the truth... IF he isn't telling u the girl's name....ask him if u know the girl and if he says no...then take his word and run with it...if u decide to forgive him, ask him if they still contact each other and how long into ur relationship did this go on for?..the ball is in your court really..we can't really tell u what to do...u know ur bf, his mannerisms and all....so u just have a lot to think about it...is he really worth u staying in the relationship or....u are better off without being with him....ur shot here..
Here is how I see it. First of all, when he cheated on you, your relationship had not yet started, as in he had just asked you out, so I am not sure if this is "cheating". On the other hand, well, he couldn't have been so in love with you, since right after he asked you out, he went on to enjoy himself. Wasn't he supposed to still be on cloud nine, dreaming about his new woman, pining away for her, etc etc...I don't know, I would be hurt if I were you, but I think you need to be very honest about the kind of relationship you have with him. If when you started out, it was the typical naija scenario of guy "asking" you out, as in you just talked and u "agreed" to be girlfriend, then I say, forget about him "cheating" cos technically, he did not. On the other hand, if you really believed you were both in love with each other already then, and he cheated on you, even then, when your love and romance was at its hottest...then, oh girl, leave him. Cos if he is already doing it now, when the love is young, you don't wanna know what he'll do after marraige. Point: be very honet about the kind of relationship you have. Finish. Good luck.
the last line was be HONEST...not "honet"...
Thieves and cheaters never confess unless there's really the need to do so. I have a feeling he's telling you less than he ought to. but all the same, you need to pray about him and this relationship. One year is long but not long enough. Search your heart and find out if you'll ever be able to forgive him, cos if you can't do that now, you never will. And that my dear is worse than a breakup.
Unfortunately, I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. What's going to happen the next time he takes a drink or the next time she goes out of town? At this point, the trust is gone. It might be better to break things off now than wait until there are kids and a marriage involved and Lola and Michael end up on Maury Povich.
to err is human, to forgive is divine...i cant believe i just said that!
Ok, the trust has definitely been broken somehow somehow. I think Michael should get some credit for coming out and saying that he messed up. But that could just be a way for him to feel better about himself, not necessarily a sign that he's a changed man.
The only way to check that, would be for you to do some 'work' Lola. Maybe you'd have to take a break from each other for a while. (This can be detrimental though, because you're not 100% sure what's going on in his head). You should also let him know that his confession bothers you a lot. There's nothing wrong with having this discussion that you're having with us, with him.
When you talk to him, just take note of his reaction. A reasonable guy should understand your fears, and his repentant self should be willing to work through them with you. If he understands that he really messed up, then he shouldn't be surprised by what you say. However, if he gets defensive, and says stuff like 'you should even be happy that I told you... what's your problem?' Ummm, Red Flag!
P.s - I don't really understand the toilet seat up or down argument. Honestly, I'm glad to see the seat up, because I can be confident that he definitely didn't pee on the seat. Putting it down when I want to wee, isn't that big a deal.
(I should have just written my own post. Lol).
This is a decision u alone can make. He doesnt seem like a perpetual cheater.
Well, my own two cents: Since his infidelity started early in this 'relationship' it is hard to judge this one. Good sign: he told her. so maybe they can build something from there. If he has been faithful since then, maybe it was just poor judgement on his part - nothing more. Ultimately she will have to go with her gut instincts on this one.
-Rosie
He who is without sin,please cast the first stone...
Men aint monogamous by nature except he's rooted in the word. Most chics know this.Even if he doesnt tell u,who says he aint doing another chic?
Lets get real,if u like him,no matter wat we say,u'll stay.so tell urself the truth
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