I know many of us have heard of a few MILs from hell, so I am sure people will be able to give some sound advice to Amina. Do take the time to read and share your thoughts. Thanks so much!
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My husband and I work in very intense fields and have been married for just over 2 years. We decided very early on to take our time having children. This has given us both the opportunity to enjoy each other, excel in our careers and live the kind of lifestyle we enjoy.
My mother-in-law, however, can not appreciate our choice and has made that known on many occasions. She wants us to have children now, in fact, yesterday, frankly. She complains that my husband is the eldest son and that his younger siblings are already having children. Anytime she comes from Nigeria, she makes my life miserable. The last time she came, while I was serving drinks to her friend who came to visit, she said, in my presence, "This one never wants to hear word. Me, I always listened to my husband's mother." To which, her friend looked me up and down and said "Don't mind her."
All this in my presence! Had something happened before this conversation, maybe I could understand, but I don't even know what it was she was complaining about and to then diminish me in the presence of a complete stranger? I have told my husband and he has spoken to her on several occasions. She always says that she will try to do better but I feel things just keep getting worse.
She has only been here for a week and already she is causing me stress. After church on Sunday, she was talking with a group of her fellow "Nigerian grandmothers" and when I walked up to tell her it was time to go, she said, verbatim, "Ah, Mama Ebuka, I would be like you with many grandchildren but this one doesn't like children." Again, I was standing right in front of her and again, one of her busy body friends had something to say. As I turned to leave, her friend said, "If she doesn't like children nko? She should not deprive you of your blessings oh!"
I am tired and frustrated and have had it. I am tempted to give her a piece of my mind, but know it will solve nothing. I am trying to be patient and simply wait until she leaves in 6 weeks, but God knows, I need some advice. What can I do? I don't think it is this woman's business what I do with my body, especially as my husband and I agree that we are not yet ready for children. And, it is not as if she does not have grandchildren already. She clearly does not respect me and sometimes, I think it is because I am Hausa and she is Igbo. I am tired of being referred to as "this one" and being disrespected in my own home.
Please help!
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All I can say is that it is not necessary to 'haze' or mistreat a new member of the family and thank God my in-laws have always treated me well.
Over to you guys...
PS: Please take the time to share your thoughts on a post I wrote about 9ice, the musician, and beggars, when you are done here. Thanks!
29 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
She'll just have to stick it out since the lady is not there for too long.
Indeed you would have to stick it out like Sting said..This is your life, you own it..you set your pace with your husband and this is one reason that as much as i love my mom,i as the head of the home wouldnt with clear emphasis allow her or anyone intrude into my business..This is my life and the decisions i make, makes or mar me ..not my family, not my mom but me...Think your husband needs to stand up more(not disrespectfully) to his mom to make her understand how he wants to live his life so sleepin dogs can lie peacefully...
My two cents..
discuss with your husband,..he has to call his mother to order
Wow. She just gotta stick with it. Its tough but she doesn't really have a choice. Biting her tongue and not saying anything will b the better option.
Yup! I think you still have it a little easier since you live in a different country from your MIL.
Sebi when she's through with the visit she will leave abi?
You just keep your cool. Such women will never change so don't even bother.
It's your body and your life therefore it's yours and your husband's choice what to do with it.
Its one of two thing ignore the problem or fight it head on. If you decide to fight it head on speak to your husband about your options.
One of my cousins had the same problem and I told her to get her pastor involved presenting the facts. If she is a god fearing woman and your pastor is a fair person there can be common ground found with his advice counseling you, your mother in-law and husband.
alas your MIL has not the decency to handle it quietly, likewise her friends, but i think it is wholly your decision to make, having children can never been made easy & shouldn't be taken lightly...now or in future, do what you want but be ready to dance to the music
Tell your husband how she treats you in the presence of her friends.
And inisit that he let het know that you both agreed you are not ready for kids!
I hate hearing things like this.
hmn id say this is where diplomacy and patience kicks in!! when she talks to u like that, just take it easy smile and tell her not to worry that very soon u will give her plenty of grand children. u only have to endure dat mess for a few more weeks then shes out of ur hair. our ppl never ever understand that u want to wait.
Her mother in law has a passive-aggressive personality. they are probably the hardest type to deal with. cos she's not openly agressive, if you decide to confront her, you'l be surprised how easily the story will change when they're telling it outside.
So, i concur with LusciousRon, let ur hubs talk to her and insist he lets her know u guys decided to wait.
And as much as u can, be gracious to her(grind ur teeth while doing it, if you hav to) and thank ur stars she'l be gone soon.
Goodluck
lol...take heart Amina nd just continue to pray.Becuz the truth of the matter is dat she is not going to stop until u get kids and if ur not ready for that just bear with all her ranting and keep tellin ur husband everything thing she says/does.
I kno 6 weeks is long but find things to take ur mind off her aggressive personality but still dont have children bcuz of her, have them bcuz u nd ur boo r ready to have.
3 things:
- your hubbie needs to talk with his mom
- develop a thick skin
- your MIL is a certified granchild collector. Could u care less?
peace,
m.
Well at least am glad ur husband is with u on this decision to have kids later. All u can do is just be patient and stick it out. As hard as it myt be, jst bite ur tongue and dnt give a rude remark if not she'll use that against u too.
Keep asking God who himself is slow to anger and patient in all things to give u the strength to do the same.
This too my dear, shall come to pass!!!
i think she should ignore and avoid her mother in law as much as possible...she should have let her husband go call the woman.
i dont understand women who make it their responsibility to make other people's lives hell.
I thank God for wonderful in laws who treat me like they birthed & raised me and that they know their boundaries & have yet to come close to them talk less of cross them.
More importantly, I thank God for a man that doesn't take ish from nobody when it concerns me.
Amina, sorry. Obviously the worst thing you can do is engage her in any kind of argument, you'll be painted in even worse light. You need to talk to your husband and leave it to him to sort out his mother... and biko find a way for him to make her leave that house soon. Why is she saying with you for 7 weeks sef? Do you run some sort of extended stay bed & breakfast? Is your husband her only child in your country, abeg bundle her up and send her to some friends before she drives you mad or bring wahala into your marriage.
men..am so glad my MIL is nothing like this..
anyway back to the question..i dont even know what to advice...guess your hubby has to keep talking to her and maybe threaten that she wont be allowed to visit anymore if she will keep disrespecting his wife? dunno?? just a suggestion.
But thank God she is going back to Nigeria soon...kai 6 weeks! Pele dia
well, if na me be Amina sha, i go just learn to purse my mouth, abi na so dem dey talk am. My grandmom was mean 2 my mom, but never did my mom let it show dat she had issues wit her MIL. Amina should let her husband handle his own mother. It is tough i know, but daz her best bet in this matter.
1st tym here
I tink u shud juz ignore her tho its reallr hard but then make ur husband let her knw d decision is 4rm d both of u so she wont tink its urs alone.
Kip on prayin 2.
i am not married
but i can give you advice to handle the situation
treat her like you would your mom
only better
don't be rude to her
when she says anything nasty
count to ten and then move on
you can't change people
you can only change your response
look at the joy that is set before you, she won't live with you forever
if you have had ur hubby talk to her severally, stop. consider her one of the challenges of life. don't blame hubby, pray for your MIL everytime you wake up so you don't resent her and so that you can be in a good place with God.
Its not magic but i know if you do it, it will work.
I think just try to bear it since shes not going ot be around for to long. I think you should continue to let ur husband know how u feel so he can keep talki to her. i think thats really all u can do.
Stick to ur decision and have children when u and ur husband are ready, it will be better for u and for ur children as well
put her in a hotel...pay for her to keep her distance...she will not change but at least out of sight is out of mind jare!
I like the comment describing your MIL as passive aggressive. I have one and this is what I do...
I never let her see she is upsetting me. You see, she thrives on the fact that she is getting to you. You have to become an actress and smile even though you are visualising kicking her in the shins. My MIL never has a good thing to say about anything, when I met her she told my husband I was fat, I could write a long story about her but this is about you now. Then again, I have during her sly one on one digs, given as good as I got and then immediately changed the conversation to the weather or some other banal issue.
You are an adult. Nobody can make you feel anything without your consent. Take back the power.
Have you noticed she only says things in situations where she feels in control? Minimise such situations and perfect the smile when it happens.
Now for the bitter truth. Sons never really tell their mothers off. I was listening in on a telling off and was so miffed at the end because MIL just used it to her advantage to spill some more rubbish.
So here is the plan. Involve your husband less and when he asks how things are going, say fine.
There is a bigger plan and friend used once and I am not advocating it though it makes me smile. She, my friend, never let her husband know what was going on and one day exploded and gave her MIL a severe tongue lashing. She was reported to her husband and she promtly fell to her knees, turned on the water works and denied it all. Still makes me laugh when I think about it.
This was a long comment and I could go on forever. In summary, Remember she is with you for an insignificant portion of your life with your husband, ignore her, never let her see you are getting to her and sometimes when you are alone with her, just show a little bit of backbone. There is no need to be rude though. She will back off. I promise xx
When I realised I would not be furst I took my time to get here Lol
I would tell this lady to ask her husband to sit down and talk to his mom, or all three of them together and talk. If that doesn't work then she will just have to wait till his mom leaves. Hopefully she will just get tired of talking or people may get tired of listening...
HEYA, TELL HER TO TAKE IT EASY,JUST PLAY NICE AND WAIT TILL SHE GOES.AND AS FOR HER FRIENDS,THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES AND THEY R GRANDMOTHERS(ABSTRACT NONSENCE).
JUST RELAX AND DONT LET IT STRESS YOU AND TELL UR HUSBAND TO HANDLE HIS MOTHER ABI Y IS SHE MAKING YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
INFACT ADD 2 MORE YRS B4 U HAVE KIDS TO MAKE IT 4YRS, MAYBE THIS TIME ITS FAMILY MEETING SHE WILL CALL.
HEYA, TELL HER TO TAKE IT EASY,JUST PLAY NICE AND WAIT TILL SHE GOES.AND AS FOR HER FRIENDS,THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES AND THEY R GRANDMOTHERS(ABSTRACT NONSENCE).
JUST RELAX AND DONT LET IT STRESS YOU AND TELL UR HUSBAND TO HANDLE HIS MOTHER ABI Y IS SHE MAKING YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.
INFACT ADD 2 MORE YRS B4 U HAVE KIDS TO MAKE IT 4YRS, MAYBE THIS TIME ITS FAMILY MEETING SHE WILL CALL.
For every week that you don't fly of the handle, treat yourself to something nice as a reward. If you spark it will play into her hands, just deep breathing and keep marking your calendar till the day she flies home.
sorry gurl, bt i fink u shld talk to ur hubby abt it. but above all seek God.
Be a duck and let it roll off your back. It's your body and you'll get knocked up when you want...*breaks into song*
-Rosie
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