TTTEC: MARITAL PRESSURES CAN RUIN LIVES

In 'Should You Get Married?', I discussed a cousin of mine that my mother and aunts were trying to convince to get married. If you recall, I stated that I didn't think my family should force some girl on my cousin. God bless him, but he is not the most responsible man and frankly is a leech. Why 'gbese' (jinx) some unsuspecting woman into marrying a man who, despite his age, is not ready for marriage and doesn't seem to be suffering because he is unmarried?

Well, after that post, I received a message from an anonymous person who wanted to share her family's experience. It turns out that Kate (not her real name) agreed that forcing a man, who clearly has little intention of getting married, is a mistake. Kate's opinion stemmed from her elder sister, Emily's, experience.

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Emily was 33, unmarried, and living at home with her parents. Being that she had no 'marital prospects', her mother insisted that she allow the family to find her a suitable mate. After months of nagging from her well meaning parents, she conceded. Eventually, her mother introduced her to an old family friend who had a 40 year old son, living and working in Europe.

Very quickly, plans were made for Isaac to come home and meet Emily. They eventually met and although Emily didn't feel the sparks she was looking for, her mother constantly reminded her that at 33, she had no more time for 'sparks' and instead, needed to have children before it was too late. So, within no time, Isaac's family was asking for Emily's hand and within 10 months of meeting and long distance courtship, a wedding took place.

After the wedding, Isaac returned to Europe to prepare for Emily's arrival. During this time (4 and a half months), Emily's mother complained that 'people' were making fun of her old spinster daughter who was married but still living in her father's house. As such, a visa was obtained and Emily was shipped off to her husband's house. This, despite the fact that her husband insisted he was not ready for his wife to arrive and that his wife also didn't want to go to a country where she knew nobody.

Upon arriving, Emily learned that Isaac shared a small 2 bedroom apartment with a white guy (let's call him X). Isaac had always said he lived in a small flat, but never mentioned a flat mate. Emily learned to adjust, but the omission by Isaac made Emily nervous, and one day, her suspicion that something wasn't right, was justified. After an afternoon out, she returned to find her husband, Isaac, in a compromising position with his flat mate, X.
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Many things fail to shock me, but when I read Kate's initial email, I was stunned beyond belief. I have sat on this issue for almost a month because, I just didn't know how to present it to the Easier Crew. But, now that I have, I just want to say, people need to be as honest as possible because of what I have learned about Emily, her life has been completely changed. Lies can destroy lives. Yes, Emily understood that she was marrying a man she hardly knew and yes, she hoped that in time, love would find its way into the relationship. But, based on the things Isaac had said during their courtship, she could never have imagined that his heart truly lay elsewhere and particularly with someone that Emily cannot compete with.

Now, Emily is stuck far from home. She does not want to tell her parents and is afraid of causing her mother and father any "shame". This, despite the fact that she has nothing to be ashamed of, after all, she is the only victim in this tragedy. Isaac's parents wanted their eccentric and quiet son to get married. Emily's parents wanted their oldest daughter to marry into a good family and produce grandchildren they could gush over. Best intentions, yes. But, obviously, the end result cannot be described as the "best".

I don't know what else to say, but my heart aches for Emily and I thank Kate for sharing this story. Unfortunately, because I did not discuss with Emily directly, there is much to this story that I have chosen to leave out. However, let it be said, that for all those who just want to get married, or just want their daughters to get married, simply marrying into a 'good family' does not a good marriage make. And, even the best intentioned pressure to marry, can cause a world of pain and sadness.