Hey people:
I received a message from someone wanting to share her family's experience as it relates to my earlier post on marriage and people not being pressured to marry. However, because I think it will spark some controversial discussion and because I will be unavailable to monitor the discussion this weekend, I have decided to push it till next week Friday. So, instead, let's try and offer some advice to this gentleman. I am calling to the guys especially to share their opinions on this.
Have a blessed weekend and see you on Monday!
***************************
Dear Solomonsydelle:
I am in love with Christina. I have loved her for as long as I knew her. We were an item in secondary school but soon, I left to school abroad. Over time, we lost contact, but she never left my mind.
I am now back in Lagos and have reconnected with Chris. We have gone to lunch a few times and we talk on the phone as friends all the time. Unfortunately, she is in a relationship with a complete bastard. He has lots of money and is good at spending it on her but he just does not treat her well. She is always complaining about the relationship, but she believes that she is in love with him.
I do not have the heart to tell her that her boyfriend is widely known to be cheating on her with many women. My company and his have worked together on a couple deals and I have witnessed him boast about the women he sleeps with.
How do I get Chris to see that her boyfriend is no good for her? I ask her questions from time to time about their relationship and she recently cried to me about things. She thinks that because they have been together for 4 years he will marry her and she is not willing to wait to see if anyone else marries her. I know I love Chris and would marry her in a minute. She is beautiful, intelligent, kind, soft spoken, funny and a wonderful woman. That Ike does not realize this is even more painful for me. I know I would be a better man for her, but I do not know how to even bring up that subject. What if she stops talking to me? I would be devastated. Then, there is also another problem. I worry that bringing this subject up with Chris could jeopardize the business my company does with Ike's company. Unfortunately, I cannot jeopardize that because if things go wrong, there are many who will suffer from the loss of that account.
Please give me some advice.
********************************
22 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
First of all put aside all your feelings because if you care about her then the main concern should be getting her out of a destructive relationship not offering her a way out by being with you. You dont want her thinking your advice is clouded in envy. If you have not given her advice already about why she can do so much better on her own do that. Does she have any close friends other than you that know of the situation try to get them to speak to her.
The only other thing I would say is straight out tell her, that her man is an ass but since you fear losing business this option is not open.
I agree with the previous poster that you should tell any close friend or family members of hers that you might know.
Hmmmmmm
Wait and see.
If ahe is half as inelligent as you think she is, she will realize that the health of a relationship is MUCH more important than the length of a relationship. And she will open her eyes to see that you are right there waiting for her. Time will tell dear. You maay just find another woman who is available and see you as a catch that I am sure you are. Anyhooos Goodluck. XOXO
I agree with K. Truth is you must find a way to tell her. And as Temite said, if she's half as intelligent as you think she is then eventually she'll see the truth. Love beclouds out judgement so it may take time for her to come round but she will.
In the meantime brother do yourself a favour and stop concentrating so much on her. I bet there are other fantastic woman around you who just wish you'd look their way. This thing called love can be experienced with anybody not just one person.
Good luck.
I agree with K, if you do care, your main concern should be getting her out of the bad relationship and not getting her for yourself, as hard as it may be, you need to let go of your own agenda, if her friendship means more to you than being with her.
For all you know, there might be someone out there for you but you'd never find out if you keep your heart closed to other options, moreover, jealousy has a way of opening the eyes, she just might see you with someone else and realize what a gift you truly are.
Anyways, bottom line is, get your life moving and don't wait around for her to see "husband material" in you. Apart from helping her, you need to help yourself too bro.
Well,personally i don't subscribe to offering her a relationship as your way out for her.....
it wont be funny if u ever refer to that in the future.
and really it will destroy other people's lives,am sure if she leaves him and doesn't hook up with u immediately,u'd have been a good friend to her that way
This is a tricky situation.
I agree with K as well. You need to put aside how you feel for her and be rational. If it all ends badly, she might begin to resent you and you dont want to miss out both ways, as her becoming more than a friend or just a friend. Try and get someone to talk to her. I'm not sure how she also hasnt noticed your feelings towards her, in a way, that should tell you something
I agree with a lot of people above. You have to detach your emotions from the situation and treat it like you would, if Chris was ur cousin or something.
Also, if she knows how you feel then it may be better to get someone else to tell her what's going on. Cause you don't want her to think you're working based on selfish gain.
All the best sha.
agreed with everyone above, mainly K. You need to advice her like she was a friend you have no feelings for, or a cousin. Try to get someone else to tell her. Then maybe if she comes to you with it for someone to talk to you can humbly add that you've heard the same thing. Your goal should be her health and happiness, not you getting with her. Everything happens for a reason and if she does eventually let the guy go and heal her wounds, she might be able to start opening her eyes for you and you can take it from there. But her leaving BECAUSE of you is never a good idea. I know what its like to have ur mind on that one person. Remember like I said everything happens for a reason and have faith good luck
This one isn't as controversial as some other TTECs I've seen.
The fact that you have feelings for her makes you the least appropriate person to tell her about her boyfriend's misdemeanors.
If there is no one close to her who can do this for you, then you can send her an anonymous letter with provable information. If you have no proof, then I'm sorry you haven't got a case.
Still I don't think you should bank on her leaving Ike so she can be with you. It may not work out that way. I'm sorry.
tricky...
your friendship has to come before your emotions. be her friend and talk to her as a friend.
or else it'd be the case of a desperate man using desperate measures to get her for himself.
If she talks or cries to you about the problems in her relationship then you have the license to advice her, be dispassionate about it so it wont look like u r trying to run the other guy down just to be with her. just talk to her like friend.
as per u and her, i agree with jahzmyn, explore other options, she isnt the only "great" woman, and jealousy really does open the eyes, if she's yours, you will get her, if not, you will be her very good friend, which is also priceless.
She is first and foremost ur friend, do exactly what you will do for your friend. In giving her advice, make sure its not self serving.
SSD, i think i am back o...lol
missed you.
Dear Gentleman,
If u really care and love Chris..u can only pray that God will open her eyes and that she will leave the guy of her own free will. Dont be the reason why she breaks up with her boyfy (yah i know he is irresponisble but until she sees it herself) cuz it will come back to bite u...
Keep being her loving friend and hopefully she will realise that you are the man for her.
It is well
As so many others have said, you need to let her know what's going on in a tactful and sensitive way. As you so obviously care for her, handling it delicately shouldnt be too hard.
However, once you have told her what the guy is up to (presuming you do),do not under any circumstances proceed to declare your undying love for her
1 - because she's in love with the guy and will have to come to terms with the truth in her own way and in her own time, and the last thing she will need is the task of handling your feelings for her and what this could possibly mean for the two of you, going forward.
2 - It's possible that she may turn on you, associating you as the bringer of bad news regarding her relationship, who now wants to complicate things further by introducing another set of feelings into the mix
In a nutshell, whatever you choose to do, you can't tell her how you feel (yet)
Hmm...
i agree with Marin
Do you want the business or the woman?
Decide if you think she's worth
and...
Please just be her friend and let her find out on her own
Make sure you are on hand to cushion her fall
and don't get mad if she tells you they are getting married
I am getting confused here, just pray and if its God's will, you will end up with her.
No-brainer!
"She believes she is in love with him". That is all that matters really. This guy should just walk away from her and her cheating man, leave them alone!
I am absolutely certain she knows what kind of person he is, what he is doing. But the creature comforts are probably what keeps her with him.
I know many women in Africa who know that their husband or boyfriend is cheating and a bastard, but they stick by him because they say, "at the end of it all, he comes home with (to) me."
That she is entertaining this guy is probably only because she has decided if he can do it, so can she.
She knows what is happening, I am sure. So walk away, you do not need this sort of grief. At some point, she may come round, but you would have wasted years of your life chasing her.
First, i'd like to say that you can't make anyone see that their relationship is no good. Christina will only come to that conclusion when she's ready and if you hammer the point too much, you risk making her dig her heels in further in an effort to prove you wrong.
So i am not sure that discussing this with her is the best thing for you especially as you have feelings for her. However if you do, I would say that you raise the issue of the boyfriend as you would with any other friend. Don't lecture, don't tell her what to do, just say your points and leave it at that.
To be honest, i think you are too involved in her relationship and it could end up hurting you. Even if she breaks up with Ike there's no reason to think that she would now turn to you as her saviour. What will you do if she moves on to someone else? It seems like you're so attached to the idea of Christina that you may be missing out on other romantic possibilities in your life. Perhaps it's time to think about letting go.
Oddly enough, I really feel this situation because I've been in this same scenario before. Only difference in my case being that I had no connection with the cheating guy whatsoever.
I agree with almost everything that's been said here most especially K's advice. I guess we can say this case is solved then.
My advice? Take your time, dry her eyes when she cries, just make sure you're always there when she needs you and keep your heart quiet for now. If things don't work out for two of them and they break up, give her time to grieve and look around. One day she'll look at you and wonder what she had been waiting for all along before hooking up with you.
All you need is the utmost patience. Trust me... In my case it sure worked!
Just say this, I love you; will you stop driving me crazy and marry me already! After that my brother, let the chips fall were they may.
Igbo Kwenu!
Hmm...situatios like these, though all too common, could be quite dicey. The way I see it, he has two options:
1. Find a way of letting her know, maybe not necessarily directly. Since he really cares about her, he might as well let her know. But like some others have said, he shouldn't think she'll fall right into his arms so he shouldn't present himself as her knight in shining armour. In my opinion, it's not ideal to leave one person for another. The reason for ending a relationship should come from the inside, and not the outside. And seeing as she's going through some bad stuff with this guy, she will have some healing to do, so even if she leaves, he would have to be patient.
2. On the other hand, he could keep quiet about it. The young lady is not a child, and she should'nt need anyone to tell her she's in a bad relationship. Chances are, she already knows this and is living in denial or trying to 'hold on'. And when he tries to open her eyes, she could take it out on him. And then, there's his company to think about too.
It's hard to see someone you care about hurt, but I think he should just take his time and work out what's best for him. And someone rightly pointed out that he might be focusing so much on Chris that he's not seeing the other wonderful women that might be around him.
Well, it never hurts to pray for her. If he can do nothing else, he can do that; and ask for God's wisdom to guide him.
Post a Comment