For instance, I have a cousin. Let's call him - Inyang. The guy is my blood relative, as in his mother and my mother are sisters. Despite that, he is a classic example of a lowlife. Harsh, I know, but no worries. He has known that I never liked him since I was 5 or 6. God bless him, but none of this will be news to him. Anyway, Inyang is the sort of person that will live in your house, eat all your rice and garri[1], use up your telephone and not contribute a dime. Or, more appropriately, a kobo[2]. He did that frequently to my mother who would constantly complain. Being that it is hard for me to lie, I once told my mother to no longer complain about him to me, simply because (1) I already did not like him, so no need to compound the negative feelings, (2) my mother has always enabled his laziness and bad behavior by always allowing him to rely on her even though he has taken her things in the past. I felt that if she was willing to put up with his wahala[3], she shouldn't have me to complain to.
Shine, Shine: "Ah, we are worried about your cousin, Inyang."
Me: "Why?"
Shine, Shine: "He is in his 40s now and he is not married. He has no children. He needs to settle down."
Me: "Why?"
Shine, Shine: "Ah, ah, what do you mean "why"?"
Me: "Well, if he is in his 40s and has not intimated that he wants to get married, then why do you want to 'koba'[5] some woman who would get stuck marrying him?"
Shine, Shine: stunned silence
Don't worry, my mother is used to my bluntness. But, I had to go on to explain further. My mother is a wonderful person, and it was clear that she and her sisters (the one's most likely scheming on this marriage issue) just want the best for Inyang. However, I would never want to marry a person like him. He has little understanding of responsibility and once tried to dupe a cousin of ours. So, why would we, as a family, want to bring some innocent woman into that kind of situation? I went on to add that we should not ignore the possibility that Inyang is very happy to be single, and so, pressuring him to marry could only make him despise marriage and a future wife.
All I know is that if someone is comfortable being single, be it male or female, please 'free' them. Allow them to live their life. If someday he suggests he is looking for a wife, then Shine, Shine and her sisters can go nuts trying to set him up. I swear, these women are just looking for something to do i.e. plan a big wedding, lol! We have female cousins looking for men of virtue to marry, those are the one's my family should focus on.
Honestly, not everyone should get married. If Inyang doesn't want to marry, that's fine. If he doesn't want children. That's fine as well. Particularly considering that his mother had 11 children of her own, many of whom have gone on to have loads of kids. Yes, pikin boku for that side of the family. Inyang's mother has enough children, gran children and even great grand children (I believe, but could be wrong, can't keep up) to keep her hands super busy. If one or 2 or even 3 or 4 kids don't want to marry and produce offspring, thats okay. It doesn't make them deficient (well, in general, you guys already know my feelings on Inyang). As someone who thanks God for sending me a good mate, I am not against marriage. I just think certain people, especially those who likely know they don't want to marry, should enter that sort of union.
What do you guys think? I've made an argument for why Inyang shouldn't get married, but do you think there are valid reasons to not get married?
[1] Garri - a cassava derivative, that is eaten in Nigeria and other parts of West Africa
[2] Kobo - the smallest denomination of the Naira, Nigeria's currency. 10 kobo = 1 Naira
[3] Wahala - stress, trouble, problems, B.S.... you know the drill
[4] "Shine, Shine" - my mommy's nickname. Refers to bright, shiny things. Jewelry.
[5] Koba - to jinx someone.
31 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
Marriage is a big step, and look before you leap should be the watchword.
And I think you are absolutely right, if you already know your cousin is irresponsible, no need to aid some poor unsuspecting woman to become his wife. I'm sure Shine Shine and her sisters only hope he'll become more responsible after marriage. Not going to happen. After 40 kwo. And by the way, you opinion that his mom has enough kids, that na oyinbo mentality o. You know our people don't think like that. A life without kids is wasted in our peoples mind. And preferrably more than one kid. Even if you can't take care of them :)
ahah r u kiddin me, i have been on blogsville 4 about 2 strait hours nd im still not first??
ok ill take second..lemme go read
lol not married at 40??
oh boy...dat one is tough o...but ur right if he isnt ripe for marriage then he shuldnt cuz he will just be hipping his pile of load on on poor girl that he will mary...
i wuld say he still needs to grow but that sounds funny cuz the dude is alredy in his 40s, what possible growth could occur again?
I so agree with you. Not everyone is meant to be married.
I know of a man who is a friend of my parents. He was in his 40s and still not married. Good, responsible man, I tell you..but he just seems like a man that would be happier single. Just that type of person. Seems like his family forced him to marry a woman, they now have two kids and there is absolutely NO love in that marriage.. the woman is a meanie and he's a goodie. You know, shes that kind of woman that looks down upon everyone. The man is very successful in Nigeria. Your post just reminded me of him.
Anyways, your post also reminds me of the post i did today about family!
I just checked out a bunch of your older posts and just want to tell you I love them! (On naming your kids, Bomboy, Husband etc)
even though guys dont have biological clocks counting down on their foreheads, there's a certain time that pple start to ask them that question - and the excuse of sowing their wild oats doesnt apply nemore.
reminds me of my cousin too, he's married now though.
maybe marriage is not for everyone. some people accept it, but sometimes its harder for their families to accept
Marriage! It’s the high point of every discussion women my age talk about…sadly 9 out of 10 times we miss the point. We always talk about getting married… or Commitments Relationships Partnerships Nuptials Weddings Weddings Weddings…and more Weddings
For those that desperately want to marry, the major mistake we make is WHEN to marry. We fall for the pressure of getting married when ‘everyone else thinks it’s the right time’.
Being older and single is NOT a sin.
we NEVER talk about life after ‘I DO’. Let’s face it, most of the time we are not ready for AFTER part…we secretly (or desperately) want our single lives back or wished we waited a while before saying ‘I DO’.
Waiting for the right time to marry is a valid reason for taking one’s time to get married. AGE has no business in this regard...25, 35, 40...50 sef, besides at some point you'll realise that marrige isn't for everyone
For those married folks…has marriage been all you thought it would be? Were you really ready for the after party?
….what? …oh yea… I hear you now…you didn’t know that there was an after party…
Let me run before I start a thesis on this subject.
My take on this is that Inyang should not be pressured into getting married. Let's just pray that he has a rethink and maybe decide to change... for good. If he does decide to marry, I pray he marries his own.
How are you and the threesome?
I am in sync with Dee on this. Some people are not meant to be in a relationship. They should just not make other people miserable by going into it.
Abeg before the woman who ends up with him curses out your whole family, take no part in the venture. I detest such people.
you are right, about marriage isnt for everyone. I am sure some are compelled to marry cus of religion or family pressure.
There are different reasons aside from being irresponsible like Inyang that may make someone decide not to marry. It might be just a feeling to be alone, they want to serve God better by not being attached etc.
I dont think the reason matters so far yo believe it's not meant for you or like Iyang, he needs a lot of changing of himself to accomplish that.
And to think his family members got so many kids? Na wa.
Marriage is not for everyone oh!
No one should be pressured into in.
If you can't find someone whom you can cohabit with for the rest of your lives then marriage is definitely not for you.
If the person in question cannot be lived with- pls excuse my expression, no one has any business pushing such a person to the altar
Truly not everyone should get married. Reasons? The lack of a sense of responsibility as you pointed out or maybe even for religious reasons. There's the lack of commitment issue too and some males just like companions instead of tied-down partners.
Personally, I don't feel like blowing hot on marriage sometimes seeing as I need a lot of convincing on the non-futility of it (blame the bad marriages I've witnessed forehand).
Rather than Inyang to cause a woman and their kids long time grief, make them free am jo...
PS: 100 Kobo = 1 Naira (like say I be CBN Governor sef)
I have an uncle like that. I feel ever so sorry for any chic that EVER marries him. Her life will be over before she knows it.
I think you are spot on in your assessment..... Sadly... Wonder how he can be helped though.....
This only a fragment of Sol's legendary wisdom.
We continue to acquiesce to the pandering of society. Our crave for normalcy continually astonishes and baffles me!
Marriage continues for me, to remain a nuance propagated by clandestine philosophers...And please don't let me get started with the misnomer of calling it 'settling now'. If i dare say, marriage 'unsettles' YOU! You immediately take ownership of bills that were not part of the initial marriage agreement/contract. Of course society expects you to oblige. After all, You are a man! Nonsense! i have sworn by God that i'll never go through what my Father and his peers went through! My father was a very young, very dapper Man! Till he met my mother that is!!
This is probably the fourth blog in a space of 12 hours that has touched this topic. My only argument for marriage only stems from the fact that it is a tradition around the world. It is a trend that we all follow in our various cultures and countries.
Asides from that I don't think there is any explanation for it. Cos you are very right. The fact that it's a tradition does not mean it's cut out for everyone. Some people do not have the patience nor money or even luck to find a befitting partner. So really why force them? It should be their choice really.
you said 10k= N1 instead of 100k
:P
i was just talking about this very issue with my mom just now. she's like no oooo, everyone wants to marry deep in their heart, they're just lying. so i went on to tell her the story of a friend of mine who is quite selfish and very admittedly so. And the girl told me she ain't ready to get married yet and she's not ready to share anything. Now how am i not supposed to believe her? My mom was like ahhhh....lol.
lol interesting perspective. never really thought about it before but I so agree with you especially about your cousin. Why bring misery to a young lady's life. vice-versa to women too. Some people are just not ready to grow up and starting a family is something very risky to attempt
I have a cousin who is probably Inyang's best friend. Lol. I was telling someone else that for those kindsa people, there's no amount of coaxing or encouragement that can make them take steps towards life-changing experiences. They need their own rude-awakenings; and hopefully, when it hits them they won't be too stupid to realize it.
Mummy TE, ou e la email address sil vous plait?
I know I tiaouned. But you get my drift?
i'm always saying it. but some people seem to think its a curse not to be married. shoot. even the BIBLE says its better to be single!
i totally agree with u ooo because Marriage is not moimoi!
I absolutely agree. I have an uncle that my grand parents did everything to make sure he was married. At the end of the day, he divorced his poor wife and he's back to singledom and loving it. Not everyone is meant to be married.
I totally agree with u,marriage isn't for everyone. I hv a friend who's marriage broke up cos of his countless escapades. Now he is divorced and wants to remarry. I'm like wats d point? U obviously don't know the fundamentals of marriage so why do u want to drag another woman into another pot of soup? he is the kinda guy who doesn't recognise sleeping with another woman as cheating he calls it normal stuff! Cheating according to him is when there is a relationship! He is also a beliver of one man can't be with only one woman(according to him: can u eat amala everyday of ur life? ) Lmao. Pls this kinda person shouldn't u just leave him in his single world?
This doesn't sound like you one but,i don't know why......
What happens for people that would want to have kids but not interested in getting married??is it acceptable?
I totallyagree with you on this one. Any woman that is fortunate enough to be holed up with a man that is not ''READY'' to be responsible for himself or another person wil haveherself to blame for life!
I always wonder why people complain about stuff after marriage, the truth is all the lil xter we have as in man and woman are never particularly hidden in relationships.
It is either we choose to turn our eyes the other way or just assume that it isnt happening.
Marriage no be for small kids jare. Well, my opinion really.
@Dee: I thank God for my husband and I have never for one day wished that I was still single. Maybe when we allow God to be the one to choose, then there won'tbe cause for regrets.
Since, i was 29th person...just thot it would be fun to be the 30th too!lol
I agree with you. Some get married because they think they should, but you're so right that some people's temperaments do not lend themselves well to the institution of marriage. From what you've shared, your cousin sounds like someone who'd be doing good women around the world a service by remaining single. I like what you told your mom, and I hope she'll pass your words on to her sisters. The focus should be on those who have expressed interest in marriage.
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