Okay people, hope your Friday is a wonderful day. Please take the time to offer some advice to this reader. She definitely needs it.
Thanks.
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SSD:
I am a born again Christian and met my now-husband, Emmanuel, at church. We dated within the Church and when he told me he wanted to marry me, I was very happy. He is a kind and loving man. Unlike me, he is very quiet, but once you get to know him, he can be very funny.
We got married 5 months ago. I was a virgin when we met, as was he. Due to our inexperience, we decided that we would take things slowly. But, I have always believed that once I got married, I could have sex with my husband all the time.
I think Emmanuel is impotent. His 'member' has a hard time getting hard and when he gets hard, it goes soft quickly. I have not been able to have a satisfactory encounter with him.
Now, I am worried about whether or not we will be able to have children. I have always wanted o be a mother and when I read your blog about your kids all I do is cry. I have always wanted a big family with a house of at least 5 children running around. I feel as if I will never have that dream. I don't know what my options are. Divorce is not an option, and Emmanuel refuses to talk to a doctor. He won't even talk to me about the issue any further.
Please help me.
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40 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
U need to realise that u just got married and seeing that there might be some inexperience on both your parts, I say give it time. Read books,(there are ones from the christian perspective) do research, encourage each other, pray hard and try to learn ways to work on his "member' and enjoy lovemaking and getting to know each other.. and don't focus on kids for now
Also remember (if all else fails)there other ways of having kids ie adoption and other medical intervention you just have to be open and pray to God for direction
I just got to say, Naija pple need to chill on this I got married to only have kids idea..seriously??
and I say this with all seriousness:
Isnt that what Viagra is supposed to be for?
Lol, @ Bumight
Well i remember wey back in the days when i had 1st loss my V, My Ex too then was a V and he didnt really know how to use his member , too he kinda had the same problem, I honestly think its something u guys have to work on together for him to get there, Reading books, exploring ur bodies together, knowing your spots etc.
Well on the other hand if this doesn't work, U might just persuade him to see a Doc. But honestly i think u guys r just been hard on yourselves, Once u guys relax and try to enjoy it ,he will get a hang of it.
TAKE PRESSURE OUTTA THE MATTER.
i'm in agreemetn with Lasgidi, it has only been 5 months you said divorce is not an option so you need to relax and realize that it might take time.
i no have experience in the sex matter but when it comes to communicating about deficiences and weaknesses you have to find a way to get your husband to open up without putting him on the defensive.
i don't know if the doctor is the way to go yet but i really think you two need to have a sit down conversation about sex and be as open and honest as possible, it could be a mental fear that causes him to lose potency that soon but you won't know until you talk and remember to not back him in the corner when you do this or he will get on the defensive.
one thing i do know is that he is aware there is a problem and already feels like crap about it so try not to aggravate his feelings of failure but still require honesty on how to move forward
good luck
from a person who is waiting till marriage to make love with her virgin beautiful man who has to die for lips i wish you all the best and pray that God rewards your faithfulness in time.
hang in there.
I agree........give it time, work on intimate moments that DO NOT necessarily lead to sex. Kiss, cuddle, and play with each other just because.
Don't plan sex together, surprise each other, so as not to put undue pressure on the situation.
Don't belittle him, if his"member" fails, take it in stride and don't dwell with it.
I think if you combine anon's response plus Kafo's response, You have a solid plan. I can't add anymore.
All the best, babes. May God reward u both.
So you were a virgin when you first had sex with your husband?
Based on what yardstick do you know how long he's supposed to last or even what kind of sex is satisfactory?
If you keep pressuring the guy, he may be forced to go and take practical lessons, and then you'll be faced with a different set of problems
take your time, its only been a few months. besides, it might just be inexperience after all
Like every one else said - Give it time. Like anon said give each other time to be intimate and cuddle without it necessarily leading to sex.
If there is no improvement at all trying to relax about the issue and giving it time I think he definietly needs to wake up and smell the coffee and go to the doctor. If he actually is infertile or impotent it is a problem that needs to be dealt with regardlessly, right? If something was wrong with you, you'd have to go to a gynocologist right? Of course it's a very sensitive issue to him and you need to give him time to open up about it first to you, then a doctor. Don't push it. Stop stressing really, because that effects the whole matter as well.
Don't freak out it will be well..
Okay, so this is from someone who knows about sex to you.
I know you're married. I know you're Christian and that some of the things I'm about to say might ... I don't know... you, but I'm going to say them either way.
First of all, I'm not sure how much of an indepth conversation two people that know little to nothing about sex can have, which is why a sex doctor is one of your BEST options.
Second, there's an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte gets married to this man that can't get it up or even when he does, he comes before he enters her. I recommend you find it and you watch it. The way Charlotte dealt with the problem was stellar.
Third, there are many different things you can do within the context of sex and I am not sure how much either of you are exploring. Missionary style sex might not turn him on. Do you have sex with the lights off? He might find that looking at you naked or having you on top helps him stay hard longer.
Both of you need to sit down and watch porn (I know you're Christian but porn has its uses). It will make you BOTH horny and it helps a lot of couples.
That being said, I don't know what your sexual routine is. Are you including enough foreplay or are you just jumping in the bed and expecting him to perform. There are a LOT of things you could do to help.
Do you give him blowjobs? If you don't you need to start NOW. If you do, you could try licking and sucking on his balls and licking his perineum (the little stretch of skin between his testicles and his anus - avoid the anus please)it's an erogenous zone and it works wonders for getting a guy hard.
Try to have sex in places OTHER than your bedroom. Jump him in the kitchen, living room, parlour, ANYWHERE! For two weeks completely avoid sex in anything that even resembles a bedroom.
Take long baths together. Get in the shower with him in the morning. Go to his office and flash your breasts at him really quickly then leave. Send him dirty text messages at work....
Remember to talk about it, but make him feel comfortable and let him know that you are not disappointed or disapproving because he's having problems. Let him know that he turns you on and see the doctor most importantly.
I hope this helps. Good luck. If you need detailed sex instructions, leave a comment on my blog or email me.
sugabelly@gmail.com
Oh God, now everyone is going to think I'm a prostitute.... O_o
Oh yeah, and it also depends on what you're wearing to bed. If you're wearing this big longsleeve nightgown with a hairnet then I'm sorry but I wouldn't touch you. Invest in some scandalous sleepwear.
Too many married Nigerian women go to bed with Shirley on faces, a black and brown hairnet and a long voluminous night gown. That has to be the furthest thing from sexy. Ever.
Also, regarding my last comment. All that stuff shouldn't necessarily end in sex. The point is to get him hard and help him sustain it.
There are lots of great books on sex out there.
Tantric Sex involves techniques that are specifically aimed at prolonging sexual arousal and performance so try to check out books on Tantric sex.
I think the bit that i am focusing on is the fact that he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. He needs to address it. This na serious matter. I wonder if both of you are young or something.
Sugabelly: You really haven't said anything out of the ordinary. Any chic who knows her stuff should be able to know all these and then some. Way to go though!
I like Kafo's prayer for u....since u both waiting to have sex I know God will direct u guys...just arm urself with info since u are both new to the game.i.e books on sex esp from a christian POV
since u are both born again even if this is a serious issue u can both pray about it and i know God will honour ur prayer of agreement...
above all communicate with your hubby...
it is well with u two.
@ anonymous... If you were a virgin, 100% sure yo will want some serious fun when you get married... I guess her point is, even if she can do without the "enjoyment" she can't do without kids? I don't think it's a naija thing. It's what "most" women desire.
I would leave pamphlets and things in his car, find a male doctor for him. He can go on his own if he feels better. He might have other underlying things going medically because being impotent at a young age is not usually without cause. You the answer might be simplier than you both think.
Me and my fiance are celebate and this kind of story is what scares me into wanting to go ahead atleast try once to confirm everything is appropriate. Sad i know!
Sugabelly points out some good tips...however if some of her tips clash with ur spirituality you should definitely check out favoured girl's blog...she's an *almost newly wedded christian blogger, I'm sure she would be able to provide some insight..
Where's Favoured girl when you need her??????????
For all you know, his reluctance to talk about it might come out of a feeling of immense inadequacy, you guys really need to relax cos sex is not just physical and emotional but also psychological.
There are several ideas you can try out, you both should expand your knowledge together, read books together (you can try "acts of marriage" and "intended for pleasure"), browse medical and spiritual websites that talk on sex and be totally open to each other in every way in other words, being shy or conservative around one another would totally not help.
You can also help him by massaging him with your hand using a water based lubricant, concentrating on the top of his penis and see his reaction or find out other parts of his body that really excites him, if all this fails, there no crime in exploring aphrodisiacs like bumight said
All in all, like everyone has said, just give it time, the beauty of sex is the adventure of exploring it with the one you love. Try and enjoy the process and get rid of the anxiety
I think some real talking between you both is required.. Perhaps there are traumatic experiences in the past that dude needs to let go of..and the pressure to perform certainly won't help matters I'd say. Can't really add to what the others have said beyond that..
WOW! I mean. There is an issue and your husband doesn't want to talk about it. you need to get him to open up. and let him know he isn't the only one that experiences these types of 'mishaps'. For an African/Black man it will be hard at first but i think with time and dedication it will open him up. Its all in the approach!
Ag
Chill about the kids and try and sort out yourselves first. Basically take the pressure out of it and it will be alright.
PS try sugarbelly's tips especially in the early hours of the morning, apparently that helps a lot.
ROTFLMAO @ Bumight!.......he he he he he he he.
I say, still give it some time......you guys read stuff together on sex, talk about it, maybe he still has it in his mind as a "bad thing"
you never know- show your concern and see what he does.
I am guessing that this might be be due to the fact that he must have been masturbating a lot in the past.(Most men that are virgins masturbate more than the average man that is sexually active...it's normal) He is just not used to YOU and SEX. I will say you should try to use your hand and see what happens. If he responds, ie he gets hard, then that must be the issue. Most times, it takes quite a while for such men to get used to having sex, so don't freak. Let him get used to your hands, then your mouth, then your vagina. Just take your time, and before you know it, he'll be running home from work to have sex.
However, if he does not respond to your hand(by the way, please watch some porn and learn how to do a good hand job, use a good lubricant, and also, let him help you to do it the way he likes or the way he is used to, he can put his hand on yours and regulate movement and speed, all men have their own techniques that have been perfected over years)then that is not the problem.
If that is not the problem, then it just means it is SERIOUS.
Although, I am willing to bet that that is the problem...
Unless he is gay, then you are seriously fucked...
But, if he isn't gay, and he is attracted to you, then getting his "member" hard should not be a problem.
Anyway, after all sugarbelly's advice, if nothing works, then abeg, carry am go doctor.
And please, swallow your Christian pride and watch some hard core porn, cos as una two no get experience, I no know as una wan take learn oh. Cos in the case of sex, PRACTICE makes perfect. You have to be willing to work hard. Na so life be.
Good luck
Whether or not u tell him, I'm sure he can feel ur disappointment. Calm down, ease up and remind him about how much u love him and think he's the greatest. U are his wife, u will have kids, why are u worried about that? where is your faith?
no need to bring in a doctor, I think communication is the issue here. U sharing ur needs and making sure u create a comfortable environment for u both to express yourselves.
mmm...I'm not certain I have the necessary experience to say anything about this one. I think though you need to get him to receive counseling somehow. These things are never helped by reticence.
i am particularly bothered that he refusse to talk about it or get some help.. most guys that are new to sex talk to their friends and get tips from them... maybe he has something to hide u need to get him to talk to u..
u are just 5mnths into ur marriage take it easy and even if he has nothing to hide..u have to learn form each other and go thru d experience together...
:-(
one of my greatest fears. i hope and pray things work out for u.
Oh dear lud, VIAGRA!!!!
Anyways goodluck and its only been 5 months abi? and please dont ask him outright if he is impotent, that will guarantee his clamping up fast. GOODLUCK dear!
then talk to the pastor or a counselor at church…since he is a “church” person am sure he will hold them in high regard and it may be possible for them to convince him to see a dr
I think both of you shd talk about this as a couple and agree to see a doctor together. It might be something that will be sorted out in a twinkle of an eye if help is sort.
Saying what's on mind would be redundant cause most people said it all.
All the same,
it is important that he talks about this issue. If it's bothering you this much, he has no choice but to talk about it since it affects you both.
I suggest you pray about this situation. Put everything in God's hands and ask him to direct you on how to go about this.
You are not in this just to have children. There's more to marraige than that ( i am not speaking out of experience...just mere opinion). People can be farther than what you think they are after marraige so I suggest you take the time to know your husband. He is not the same man as he use to be when you were dating.
Spend more time with him.
Let him know you are past the dating stage. You are married and communication is the key. Make him feel comfortable about this issue and assure him it's okay to talk about it.
In a nutshell
Pray
Talk
Pray some more
I had to stop reading the comments, 5 months is a long ass time to be having bad sex y'all why are people suggest that she give it more time? It's because it's not u people suffering the predicament, I no blame una.
Madam, your husband needs to go see a doctor if his member is not working. Erectile dysfunction is sometimes not sexual in nature, perhaps he has some underlying health issues (diabetes)or psychological issues (previous sexual abuse or homosexual tendencies) that is causing him not to get hard or stay hard.
Needless to say if you're worried about children, all you need to do is time it right. You don't have to have good or satisfying sex to get preggers, as long as he can penetrate you and ejaculate, you have a good enough chance each month to conceive, but obviously if you want physical intimacy with your husband you need to convince him to seek medical help.
I may be totally wrong on this but i think the issue of infertility is not necessarily linked to erectile difficulties so you may be worrying yourself about something that you really shouldn't (children). If his sperm count is fine then you guys should be ok as far as that goes, you just have to figure out how to get the plumbing working properly. I tried to google this but it was not useful at all with the amount of random adverts that turned up.
I think your best option is to see a doctor to eliminate possible physiological problems. He may need viagra or something similar. If there's nothing wrong medically, then i guess it would be question of experimenting to find what works. Of course, his pride is at stake which is probably why he doesn't want to talk about it so you should bear that in mind when addressing this.
LOL! THIS WAS A GOOD READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SEE WHY I WAS TALKING ABOUT WANTING MY OWN SON!
Like I said and like Kpankpando said, the couple need to see a doctor. Even if it's not an health issue, they should get checked first. People are always quick to tell others to PRAY even when God himself expect us to us the wisdom He deposited in us to sort our issues, we still say PRAY!
They both need to check out if this is an health issue or if it's a pyschological issue and after they rule out the above, then they can continue praying
@ nanijoe: are you for serious?
Not to make light of the situation but this one is easy. Put viagra in his food.
Communication is key and I think the fact that he's unwilling to discuss the issue further with his wife is problematic. She needs to try and reach him. If he agrees that divorce is not an option, then he should be willing to do his part to ensure that they get to the bottom of the issue. I can understand his unwillingness after 5 months to discuss things with a doctor...he may be shy or not yet ready to admit there is a problem. However, there is plenty that the two of them can do together to figure out what might be wrong: read articles or books on the topic and try different things to see what works for them.
Both of them need to be invested in finding a solution.
I was directed here by GNG, she said someone referenced me in a comment! So here's my advice.
Dear Lady,
Impotency is SOLID grounds for divorce even in Christianity. Especially if your husband knew before you guys got married and he kept it a secret from you, knowing you have the mind-set that divorce is not an option.
Let me first be spiritual and say you should put this matter into prayer. Yes, pray about it. Don't be embarrassed. God created sex so He fully expects you to enjoy the benefits within marriage. Sex is the glue that keeps the physical aspect of your relationship alive. You can't neglect it if there is a problem, and neither should your husband. Tell God what you want to see and He will work His way through your husband.
Next, I suggest you go on Amazon or a good bookshop and buy some good Christian books on sex, techniques and sexuality. Read and digest all the information. Then sit your husband down and tell him you are not criticizing him, but it is your right to enjoy a healthy sex life in marriage, and you are willing to help him to achieve that. His problem affects your happiness and well being so it is not his alone.
Tell him that he should also read good books on male reproductive problems. These things are more common than we think, and there are easy solutions out there. A simple visit to the doctor could be all he needs.
If he loves you, and he knows that you are willing to help him out, he should not be embarassed to talk about it with you or a medical professional. If on the other hand, he clams up and refuses to talk, make it clear to him that he is indirectly pushing you away so he should not be shocked if you go into another man's arms to get the sexual fulfillment you need.
Sometimes men think women won't cheat. IT'S A LIE. If a woman is not sexually satisfied, she can seek it outside. I wouldn't want this issue to destroy your marriage, so please seek help as soon as possible.
All the best.
I don't think he's impotent, more like inexperience combined with pressure to perform? Give him time.
I think the church needs to readdress the way that the whole 'sex' thing is preached! Is it any wonder that after a lifetime of being told sex is bad, bad, bad (albeit premarital sex) that when you do finally get married, all that echoes in your mind is 'bad, bad, bad', and of course that has an effect on performance.
Unfortunately, that's the way the human mind works. It seems to latch on to negatives i.e. so that even now that sex is acceptable within the context of a marriage, i would like to hazard a guess that the guy is having a hard time getting over those negative associations.
It would have been better if at least one the parties involved was not a virgin i.e. had had relationships prior to becoming a christian.
Don't get me wrong tho', being a christian myself, what i'm saying is it's incredibly naive to put down sex in general and make it out to be a 'dirty' thing and then expect that when a couple marries everything will fall neatly into place and automaticallly be wonderful. Things, and life in general dont work that way. Anyone who thinks so is truly deluded.
On this specific matter, as others have already said, i will echo that they should educate themselves. It is definitely a surmountable hurdle. Peace...
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