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I have been dating my boyfriend, Obinna, for a long time. We met 4 years ago and were friends for almost a year. One day when I was waiting at the airport to fly home, he came to the airport to see me off and started telling me about how he cares about me. He then asked me to be his girlfriend. It was just the sweetest thing and while in Nigeria, we spoke at least twice a week until I returned to the States.
Since then, we have had a very good relationship. No arguments. No fights. We disagree on things from time to time, but nothing ever gets out of hand. He is going through his residency in New York, which is about 2 hours away from me and we spend every weekend with each other except for during exams. Now that I graduated and he is working in a hospital in Maryland, I moved to Maryland to be closer to him.
Anyway, Obinna recently told me he wanted to marry me. I insisted that his family follow tradition and seek my parent's approval. Both our grandfathers were members of the same society, his aunt and my mother went to primary school together and his father and my father worked in the same ministry. All those ties made it easy for my parents to agree and Obinna gave me the most incredible engagement ring. Our families are ecstatic and can't wait for us to come home and get married.
However, a couple weeks ago, while attending a friend's wedding in Houston, Obinna called me to say he needed to talk to me. He told me that a week after he asked me out, he slept with some girl who was a nurse at the hospital he was working in at the time. I got him to confess that they were sleeping with each other the entire 2 months that I was in Nigeria visiting my family. The girl had just told him that he was the father of her child and wants child support.
I am very crushed and do not know what to think, say or do. I was a virgin when I met him and thought I could trust him enough to lose my virginity to him. Obinna is very apologetic and says he is willing to do anything to gain my trust again. He says that was the only time he cheated on me and that he regrets it. Although I love him very much, I do not know whether or not the wedding should go on. I wonder if Obi only told me about this indiscretion because the girl is threatening to sue him for child support. I asked him if he has known about this child for a long time and he says no, but what if he is lying to me? My best friend wants me to dump him, but my older sister (who has been married for 8 years) is encouraging me to stick it out. So many people are invested in this engagement - from our parents to his friends and family members. I don't know who else to turn to. I am so confused and need to make a decision because our parents are preparing to spend a lot of money on this wedding and I don't want to waste anybody's time. But, I love him and can't make a decision.
Please help me.
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Hey everyone, please give this reader, 'Adanma' the best advice and support you can. She really needs it. Thanks so much and have a blessed and safe weekend.
71 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
I'd think tryinng to understand the drivers for the confession is critical. If it was indeed unforced, then there might be hope of salvaging it, if not I'd shudder at what more revelations are in the bag.
Plus side though is that dude is not using it as an escape clause.. A friend of mine was crushed when a dude after seven years basically called her up one morning and said casually he'd gotten sommeone else preganant and would get married to the other girl...
Stick it out!Love isnt a bed of roses,and wouldnt be we all make mistakes, if u still love him go on with the wedding!
1. take your time to figure it out it is better to prospone the wedding a couple of months than to make the wrong decision
2. pray like crazy
3. if u don't believe u can trust him DON'T DO IT
4. marriage is for life, so please only do it if you are AT PEACE
5. don't settle
6. SCREW what ur parents and his thinks, none of them will sleep with you or mother his children or live in the same house with u
so yeah
think it thru
pray like crazy
take ur time
and then decide for U
hmmm... let me go read again...before I comment.. made top 5...sining ensues "moving on up, moving on up. nothing can stop me"
hmmm, I agree with Kafo and Danny. You have to understand, and I mean really understand the reason for his confession. Because, if the girl did not threathen to sue him, or if she was not pregnant, would he have told you or given her up? It might be the fact that he got into trouble and see's no way out.
But still he came out to tell her which is encouraging. Shows regardless his troubles, he still trusts her (I think)
As for everyone else, she has to disregard what they tell her to do. She has to think this one out herself. marriage is for life - it's not a try and see affair. So, yeah, pray and get direction and guidance from God.
Whatever people have invested, they will get back... a heart broken is not easily mended and got back...
think it through...
while you are doing that, pray hard, really hard and ask for directions,
decide if you can trust him..as you said, what if the girl wasn't suing him for child support, do you think he would have told you?
then make a decision for you.
chikena!
Weigh your decisions..whatever u decide...
If u stay, can u lovingly accept d INNOCENT child and probable baby mama drama plus the fact that ur children won't be the ONLY children..
And If u leave, is this somethinq u really want? or are u just temporarily fueled by anger? will you regret this?
oh..and like Danny said..u might want to be super sure these r the only infidelities o!..leopards don't change spots, so shine ur eyes! lol!
I will advise you to think it thru very well before u take any decision. Ask urself first,
inspite of everything can i genuinely forgive him and continue loving him still.
2. Will u be able to trust him again, after all of this has passed. and if such will not repeat itself in other forms in the future
You must be able to answer the question of trust,love and forgiveness.
Don't take decisions bcos u r angry, pray abt ur decisions.
Funny enough this is the kind of situation that only you can advise yourself…You have to weigh how much you love him first…plus a child is not something that will go away, it will grow with you and ur marriage and always be there….so think carefully..our advise will either be…leave him cos if he has cheated before he can cheat again…or stay with him, afterall he cared about you enough to tell you…so you see? Only you can make that decision…
Personally,i will like to know wat "mummy of 3" advised.
I tried imagined my fiance telling me same(since am about to get married as well) and this is what i think.
To the best of my knowledge,he hasn't cheated on me in this relationship even if he told me he slept with some girl when he was asking me out and we werent officially an item so technically abi logically he didn't cheat on me.
If u trust and believe him,then i am sure u can forgive him,i hear love is kind,patient....e.t.c
I think he should be commended for coming to tell you oh cos if he had told u after the wedding,u would most likely have found it harder to forgive cos u woulda thought he tricked u into it
Long and short,pray haaaaard,if he's as sorry as u say then forgiveness wont hurt u oh.what if the gal came to ask fro child supprt after u got married?the situation is still manageable sha
by the way,is ur best friend married or is she any relationship?
Mmm, like everyone above has said, you need to think this through and remember that you have a right to be selfish in deciding if you want to go on with the relationship. None of the relatives you mentioned will have to live with the consequence of your decision, so make sure you are at peace with whatever decisionyou take.
I have my reservations, if he already cheated on you now while you guys are just going out, what will happen when you guys get married. Remember marriage is for life means living together for 40, 50, even 60 years God willing. Are you ready to deal with a cheater for years?
This decision is solely yours and should be based on ur personal conviction and not on family ties.
however, since he came out with the confession (when u suspected nothing) himself and he didnt tell u that will mean the end of ur relationship, i would like to think of it as true repentance. you might want to give him a chance.
of cos, u have to be mindful of the child factor, the child will FOREVER be a part of ur marriage, and u inevitably. whats the state of his relationship with the other woman? if u r convinced it was just sex (2 months is a lot tho), then u can go ahead.
pray hard, this is a must!
You have to think about who the man Obinna is.
We all make mistakes, and no r'ship/marriage is perfect.
By looking at who he really is, you will be able to determine, if it was just a 1 off thing that turned out to produce a child.
Pls also have the child take a DNA test just to be sure, the other woman isnt after obinnasmoney.
If you choose to marry him, you have to discuss terms of arrangement with him over the child, and if the child will come live with you guys.
I pray you get wisdom 4rm God to make the right decision.
Adanma, it's a good thing that you're not completely blinded by love, and recognize that you have a serious decision to make. That said, I must agree with Danny B in saying that it would be important to find out what really prompted him to confess - being sorry, or not wanting you to eventually find out from someone else.
It may also help to let him know that you're finding it difficult to continue with the wedding plans hitch free. Really, you may decide to push off the wedding date a lil bit, so you can give yourself some healing time.
All in all though, don't leave him out of the loop. You love him, so don't hurt him for hurting you. It may be what he deserves, but love doesn't play that way.
Pray, because your life depends on it. And I wish you the best.
I'm with Afro on this one..this is a personal decision...
I guess its about whether you'll be able to live with either living with him and his babymother et child or without him...
I am totally with Afro on this issue. Pray like you have never prayed before.
You love him, that is good. He is getting married to you not HER. If you decide to stay, you have to learn to accept the child. It will be difficult but for the sake of peace of mind in the marriage and to avoid future aggro, you have to.
May God see you through.
This is really hard..its easy to say leave him, he's in the wrong but nothing in life is easy or that simple.
Don't stay because you don't want to spoil peoples hopes and dreams stay because you feel like you can overcome this, that you trust him, that he loves you and you can live with this.
I hope it works out well. Whatever you decide let it be the best thing for you.
hmmm..firstly..put all weddin plans on hold..this is like a house that has sufferd from a thunder storm..and needs some rebuilding.now this is where u come in...u need to decide if u think this rebuilding is possible/worth it..take time off him ,think back and see if there's anything you overlooked in the past 'cos of your lurvy durvy feeling didnt let you consider..clear your head, give the families a little distance, pray hard..by then you should be able to decide if you want to continue with him..
keep in mind that the commitment is supposd to be for life.
I pray for strength to come thru this.. you'll be fyn..
Sister,
Pray and pray some more. Cos, some things...men, we need divine guidance and inspiration. He messed up. He could be lying, he could be telling you the truth.
Pray hard about it. And be open and truthful with YOUR parents. Have them listen and advise as wiser and older people. From the look of things, both of you love each other. God will see you through the right decision.
All the best dear.
Ask yourself this
do u love him???
do u trust him????
trust is exceedingly important at least he told u b4 u got married that shud count for something
the one thing u shud undastand is that there is no man without faults, no matter who u marry he will have his own faults.
Obinna sounds like a nice guy and you just have to find out why he is telling you now
like they say life is not a bed of roses, my advice is to pray, love and trust.
Marriage is for ever and i would just say Adanma should decide if she trusts Obinna or not.
Ask him outrightly if he would have told you about the child and not just because of child support.
He's made a mistake...are you willing to forgive and move on? Life always throws challenges our way...and if the man you saw in Obinna originally is who you still see...then go ahead.
If you don't/can't trust him anymore, don't do it!
It's actually a personal decision cos you will always have the child to deal with etc. If you can handle it, then all the best. Don't get married because everyone has invested in the relationship!
As many people have already said - it is only you that can ultimately make this decision.
However, there is something no one seemed to mention. The guy cheated on you repeatedly for 2 months. If it happened ONCE, that is one thing, but repeatedly over time means he had plenty of time to understand the repercussions and concequences of what he was doing. That is worrying to me.
Someone said that because he came out of the blue with the confession it seems like real repentance. Maybe. BUT - he is as deep in this as you are, he MIGHT be thinking what you're thinking - what will the family say etc and not want all that wahala. Secondly, he might just be telling you because of the baby involved. He HAD to tell you. And If he was going to cheat in the first place, why not use protection. Creating a child is just so irresponsible towards you, himself, the child and the other woman.
I am not saying you should leave, I do not know you or the whole situation, but you should consider these things..
I am the kind of person who usually says "stick it through" but ask yourself, regardless of what your family will say, If he is prone to cheating, are you prepared to live like that for the rest of life? Is that what you are worth? Is that what you deserve? CAN he change or not?
I wish you the very, very best hon. XXX
Hmmmmmmmmmm solomonsydelle this is a tough one.
As at last year i might have tld her 2 walk away.
But seein as this is anew me,i wld advise that she weighs all her options.Marriage is for life and she is the one thats gonna be with this man forever,does she think she can forgive him??? what were the reasons for his confession?? was he genuinely feelin guilty or he was forced to tell her??
She has to ask herself these questions and many more before she makes her decision.
I wish her all the best.
OMG, This is scary. I'm planning my wedding at the momment and I can't even imagine if this happens to me. Will I stick with it, or will I call it off? I'm about to go pray.
in fact, i don't know. i can't say anything. it's entirely up 2 her.
b4 MM & i got married, he asked me what if someday a kid turns up claiming to be his child. I was highly suspicious of dat question, but i tot abt it & later replied him dat it wouldn't make me end our marriage. It was at dat point dat i also decided dat even in a case of infidelity, i wouldn't walk out of my marriage.
Anyways, in naija, most women don't leave their men 4 d other woman oh! daz like accepting defeat. maybe daz y adanma's sis told her to stay put. probably, daz wot her mom will tell her too. cos here, a woman fights 4 her man. she just doesn't up & leave @ d first sign of wahala. maybe it is a good thing. Maybe now. I dunno. daz y i say it's entirely up 2 adanma 2 decide which way 2 go. Marriage can b funny @ times, really.
One more thing, I just started a new blog, BAMBINA (http://idreamtofu.blogspot.com) It’s more like a baby/mom blog & I eagerly need contributors. So, if you have any story u want to share or know anyone who does, please send me a mail. Details are at d blog: Thanks a bunch.
I was going to read other people's comment before I put mine up...but I decided against it...
To be honest I would be crushed if I were in your shoes...but since it happened way back, I'll stick it out...and pray about it of 'cos...trust me there's nothing new under the sun...if the relationship is worth salvaging, pls by all means do so...all the best!
my thoughts echo some of the comments that have already been said.
At the end of the day this is about YOU. Forget about what your your parents, family, and all others think. It is you that will have to live with this man for the rest of your life.
Pray hard and think about wheather you can trust him and if you can deal with the fact that the child will be part of you guy's life
Ps make sure this chuld is his first!
Well i cant really tell this lady what to do or not. It's totally up to her. If she trusts he won't be a pepertual cheat and can live with the child support drama (meaning money entitled to her will be going to this other woman) then she should go ahead and marry him? After all she loves him so much that she lost her precious virginity to him.
We all make mistakes. And I dont think we should continuously suffer for it especially after making a genuine repentance.
Whatever u decide is up to you. But remember- u're not married yet.
Hmnnn..this one is a tough one oh!...but i think more than ever before Adanma needs God's guidance, she should seek the face of God.
I really don't know, but what if he continues the trend after they get married??..this is a very early sign but on the other hand, what if it had happened after they were married??...i dont know, tough one.
its not easy to decide on this,
She needs to find out if she loves him enough to live with error, child, baby mother etc
she needs to find out ( looks like she does nto trust the Obinna again) if he really made just that mistake or if that is his lifestyle
she needs at this time to go to God and God will direct her
forget family's 'investment' like she said its immaterial.
Wishing her all the best.....I wish Obinna didn't have to mess up this whole thin, its all so complicated now.
Sorry for a long response but there's a lot to say.
Generally i take a harsh line on cheating but the timing here changes things for me a bit. It is devastating for Adamma to find that things were not as she believed them to be but i would be more lenient just because it was at the beginning of the relationship and they had not properly gotten involved at the time. It's in the grey area where one relationship overlaps with the other; its dodgy but it's not like clear cut cases of cheating(i am being very generous here but i'm trying to imagine his rationale for carrying on with the girl).
She needs to decide whether she can still trust him and whether she's ready to accept his child. So my advice would be to verify his story. How long did the relationship last? Why did he leave her? Has the girl been the only one and has he been faithful since? Did he cheat on his previous girlfriends? When did he know about the child? I think the answers to these and other questions will help her decide whether this was just an incidence of poor judgement or his pattern of behaviour. If it is the latter, i would seriously consider abandoning the marriage plans.
If she decides to go ahead with the wedding, i would recommend establishing a good relationship with the child now to avoid future step-mother problems. You can't know what the mum may have said to the child about them (her and fiance) especially if she's been finding it hard to get child support from the dad.
If Obinna is going to support the child, i think he should get some custodial rights. I think it's important that he is involved in the child's life. Baby needs its daddy! Don't just give money and shove the child to the corner. Also, they'll need ground rules for dealing with the mother e.g. no secret meetings, no random calling of their house etc. Adamma needs to consider whether she's up for all this.
I bet Obinna new about the preganancy sef!Men d girl in question is the only one that knows what to do.PRAY
Have they done a paternity test? Anyway, since this happened before you guys got serious and u were in naija the whole time it happened, i don't see why you can't move on from it. Healing has to take place. Can u still trust him? Find out if there are anymore secrets, he needs to get a DNA test to determine if it's he's child for real. IF it is, then u have to decide if that's something you can deal with.
Good luck. I don't imagine that this is easy for u.
P.S. Why does everyone keep saying pray? What is that doing to do? You can't pray the child away or for him to have never cheated. I don't get it.
I hate that I've been sucked into this Mills & Boon business, but here goes..
First of all, why did the guy not use a condom? Sounds to me like the nurse was basically his other girlfriend.
If I had a million, I would bet it on this girl not being the only other person he has slept with.
If I had a second million, I would bet it on him cheating again if you marry him. The decision is yours.. Can you deal with your husband cheating on you? If your answer is no, your best bet is probably to stay single.
BTW I'm amused at how everyone pretends to be shocked when a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend, when we all know its happening all the time.
Not to rain on any parades here but, "A man is only as faithful as his options" - Chris Rock
This is a tough one my dear sister and like others adviced..its time to pray but for me..the prayer should be a total commitment to serve God and accept Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and personal saviour, forgive him completely with the help of God, as only by being saved can you truly forgive when you realise how "bad" we all are, if not for God..if we really count iniquities, which of us will stand..its becos Obinna's jist is here!!God help you..after this take out time, pray and pls abstain from sexual contact with him or anyone else..it complicates issues! God help you and help us all..will be praying for you!
wow, nanijoe, that was very real, no mincing of words - you said exactly what was on my mind. Adanma, I also want to add that just because your families are involved in this does not mean you should feel obligated to get married to him. You will be the one to live with him and take the brunt of his cheating. so be very careful, he is very likely to cheat on you again but i am not the one in the best position to determine this, you are. Also, you might want to go for counselling or something, this is a serious matter.
It's a decsion that she has to make by seeking God's face wholeheartedly. Pray hard and fervently cuz God may be trying to protect you from something that you may not see right now. It may be a test who konws? Only God does. If you love like you said you do then you'ld help him out through this.....that doesn't mean you might still end up getting married to him.
It's yours to decide not anybody's.
oh one more thing....be sure the story he's telling is straight. Do your reasearch!
I wish you the very best. It's tough but you can do it.
I think the best advice that has already been given is stop and take some time to think. Rushing decisions only creates more complicated situations.
There is much to consider.
I think during that time off, pray and ask God to heal you. It isn't easy being betrayed like that and I am sure at times you begin to doubt yourself, your self esteem takes a hit and the pain is intense.
The danger is rushing back into the relationship just so you can stop feeling so bad, after all he is sorry abi...well like it has already been mentioned, it is entirely possible there is more to the story. Doesn't mean he is a bastard and you should not forgive him. Please do, but be wise in the decision you make that will impact you and not your sister or friends for the rest of your life.
Once you heal, be honest with yourself....what do you really want. Can you handle it if it happens again...
But above all...spend some time healing and in prayer, for yourself.
www.lifelovefaith.com
you need to give him his ring back sharp!
going thru with the wedding as planned will be a bad judgement call on your part. you will in essence be assenting to his bad conduct.
regardless of your love for him, you need to feret out the timeline and facts and examine them carefully before you can even begin to know what the next step will be.
i wish you grace and strength.
hmmmm
u need a little timeout...to think this through rationally...i know love is not rational but marriage is a different kettle of fish...
hmmm...cos of all the opinions i've read here...i just want u to know no one knows him better than u...some may argue that u dont know him hence the revelation about the kid resulting from his 2 month fling...dont forget that of all us here dropping our 2 cents only: u know him, u know u and you know u & him together
u are not the 1st nor will u be the last in this position...but u have to make a choice about a future with or without him
this decision is personal to u...there are no certainties in this life...anybody that tells u that there are is lying...plain and simple...
after u get over the confused/hysterical feeling...dig down deep and ask yourself:
• Why do we want to get married?
• do i love him?
• what do I want my life to be with him?
• does he feel the same way?
• What do we as a couple want out of life?
• can we still be like that with the kid?
• how do i honestly feel about his child?
• am i sure that he is not having an emotional affair with the child's mother
• can we be faithful to one another?
After this i think u might start to understand what your choice will ultimately be…i.e life with him or life without him
this child will affect your finances, where u live etc...but be careful of setting rules...this is his child...he will love this child no matter what
I was reading some of the comments, and I was like ahhhhh, yeeepa etc
Shubby got it right from my head. Bottom line is, it's all you honey. Emi as a person o, I no too like drama, cos I'm fixing to cut a heifer. So if u feel like u can handle all the serenre with baby daddy, baby mama, then by all means, rock ur pretty ring and jump the broom. Remember that when u do tho, that child is his as much as urs. All the best!
Lol @ no one but the situation... It's crazy!
Well, no motivational speaker or adviser can come in play, not even Dr. Phil.
It's not too late to dump him (if you choose to). The one thing you really wanna put in mind is the challenges you'll face in the nearest future, and once again, that's if you choose to let him be in your world.
Nwa oma, this situation is more common than you think, so don't feel like you're all alone o. You have to do what's best for you, so pray about it and ask exhaustive questions. Was he only kpanshing her for those two months? And she got preggers in those two months, wonderful! How did he not put two and two together all this time to know he had a child out there, a whole doctor!!! I call foul! O bu asi!
I would recommend talking to the baby mama in front of Obinna, that way you can get a taste of what the next 15+ years will be like. O ga ra otu the girl again? As per Okafor's theorem: once chooked, always chookable.
Ask him to do a DNA test, make sure the child is his. What about custody? Will he ever ask for joint custody? If so, are you ready to play part time step mom? Deal with baby mama drama? Give part of your income to another household? If not, what kind of a man doesn't want his own flesh and blood around? Biko kwa, ju kwa ajuju!
If you're going to move forward and get married, you should/MUST get counseling and go over this issue and reach some sort of resolution. Obinna has to come clean about everything, and so should you. Will you ever trust like before? When he says he's working the night shift, will you believe him? This is not the ideal foundation for a marriage at all, you both must heal before making that permanent step.
So what if so many people are invested in the engagement, they won't come and live your married life with you, forget what everyone else thinks, this is your life to make your own decisions, don't take anyone else's feelings, embarrassment, disappointment etc. into consideration, they cannot marry your husband for you, just give opinions. If you're happy or sad, they can't take your burden or joy as their own. Marriage is more than a wedding day. Have you considered that this happened because God is trying to save you from a disaster of a marriage? Please consider everything carefully, 4 "wasted" years is much better than a lifetime of anger, bitterness, infidelity and distrust.
If you decide to break off the engagement, keep that ring o. That's your alimony for wasting your time, e nu go? Kpe ekpele ka Chineke gwa gi ife e ge eme. Jisike, o ga diri gi nma.
My intial reaction? Why is this even a discussion, dump the MF!
But I will say something else
Okay this is the problem of about the concept of forgiveness. People say they do but human beings are not programmed for forgiveness. I just had a discussion with friends recently where we all agreed that regaining trust in someone is the hardest thing to do. That Usher's song "Moving Mountains" is the truth. A guy friend said that even though he was the one who cheated on his girl he had to break up with her after she decided to stay with him because she wouldn't stop checking his phone and asking questions about every girl he knew. It's hard. Forget the probability that obinna would do it again. Think can we ever be the same again? Would I be able to go on without checking up on him and sniffing around him?
Back to regular Mogaji programming
Seriously though. Dump him, sell his ring and buy yourself something pretty or something that returns dividends.
after reading all the comments, I think you should have you answer by now. The decision is yours. I believe this is something that could be forgiven. My dad has a daugther that is not my mums and we have all lived as a happy family all my life.they have also been married for almost 30yrs. So think about it..should a mistake of years ago when the relationship was not that serious cost you your happiness?(seen as the relationship has been good).
Great blog! First time here..
A lot has been said already. All i can add is there are no guarantees in life. Sounds cynical, but its true. Obinna cheated and he had to 'fess up because a child resulted from the fling. However, dumping him because this happened (as the best friend is suggesting) in counter productive. yes he may cheat again, but guys who are faithful through courtship also end up cheating within wedlock. It's been known to happen!
As others have said, pray and give it all the time and thought you need to , on YOUR terms. When you finally make up your mind, make sure you are totally at peace with your decision. Forget the 'shoulds' and 'oughts'. Be fully persuaded of what you do.
All the best
even if u decide to forgive him and carry on with the wedding, a little part of u will always be suspicious of his every action..
if u really want to be with him still, i'd advise that u postpone the wedding and work on building that trust in him again cos marriage is a lifelong commitment..
all the best!
Okay, so I have put myself in your situation and seriously imagined myself in your shoes...here is what I'm thinking...
First of all, because of my character I am very sure that I will be unable to cope with baby mama issues and all that unfaithful/jealousy/assuming/going crazy bullshit cos I have a very sensitive soul and all that will be too much of a burden for me to carry...
So if this happened to me, I will be happy that this happened before the wedding and tell him adios...
Meanwhile, why are people commending him for confessing? was he supposed to be unfaithful before? Hissssssssssssssss
I tire oh...
However, this decision is because of my own character and principles in life.
You need to think about who you are and what you can deal or not deal with.
Forget about others. Na you go siddon with the same face, forever and ever. Make sure its a face you can manage.
and also, another very irritating point: what kind doctor+nurse no dey use condom? plus, even if dem no use, after morning pill nko? and not to spoil all una christian yarns, but abortion nko? and two of them dey work for hospital? abeg, sorry sha, but I no believe the whole baby mama tory. That story needs serious verification
Hey dear. I started a wives club and wanted to invite you. If you are interested I would need your email address because the blog is private. Just send me a comment on my main blog with your email address and I'll gladly add you!
U know what, I dont know what to say but that Love is messy and not really something with logic. If u love him, forgive him and trust that it wont happen again, and know that the road to forgiveness is long and tedious and u will hate him and push him away sometimes. But if he is a Man, he will handle his business. So choose Love its not easy to find.
I agree with Buttercup...Maybe you should postpone the wedding and work on your relationship some more because even though it's been good, marrying someone you're scared to trust is not the best...All the best x
hvnt been here in forever, just had to come and show some love before reading it.
wow. this is intense. sometimes I wonder why we women have to put up with so many 'mistakes' that men make all in the name of sticking it out. Specifically, women who are willing to stick it out are usually the ones who have so much love to give and sometimes the recipients don't appreciate that. having said that, I would ask that you give it some thought and decide what YOU want to do. If you want to stick it out, then don't worry about what people will think or say. Develop the strength you need to stand behind your decision, and prepare to be faced with oppositions and folks talking behind your back and all of that. Good luck!
I don't know why men fall prey for such acts. They say that men's drive for sex is different from that of a woman. The truth is, no matter how much love you have for your man and how much love he has for you, you can't guarantee that he wouldnt cheat on you. You may want to ask him the motivation for informing you that he cheated on you? Is it the baby or guilt? It appears he loves you and that's why he feels so bad that he's screwed up. My 3 point plan.. 1. if you love him, then stick with him. 2. pray like never before that he would have no satisfaction with any other woman except you and that the fear of God will guard his heart at all time 3. continue to show him love, as much as possible.
In any case, men have to learn the act of self discipline. Put your parents aside in making a decision, think of yourself and what's best for you.
Waffarian, I'm with you, what kind of doctor and nurse don't know how to use condoms or some sort of birth control? Given the facts that have been presented, methinks Obinna is lying about the timing and length of his relationship with baby mama. I suspect he was sleeping with her for much longer than he has admitted to.
Sorry, it's not new advice, biko kwa Adanma, SHINE YOUR EYES WELL WELL! Marriage is not play play, when you enter, na then you go see the real koko! I'm not telling you not to marry him, he could be God's will for your life, however know what you're getting into. Is this man really telling you the entire truth about the situation? In the past 4 years has he lied about little things and is untrustworthy or is this completely out of character for him?
Please call a pastor for prayer points o, you need to spend some time with God and he will surely tell you what to do.
I am with Waffy...cos i know there's nothing that he will tell me that will make me be stressing myself over him and his outside child...
i think kofo and danny have really summed it up..
the fact that he is not using it as an escape route is a good sign...
however
how does a doctor knock up a nurse? they are the ones who teach how NOT to get knocked up!
and if she is asking for child support now and stressing things, whats to stop her getting worse later and harrassing your life?
pray like crazy about it
screw his parents and yours - they wont help you live with him or with watever katakata he comes with...
and yes decide for you cos having a baby mama behind your back is not reason/ very valid reason to call things off even a month to the wedding oh!
keep in mind though all roses have thorns and marriage is not a bed of roses
pls check out my blog http://thecounselorandherthots.blogspot.com/
Put the wedding plans on hold, Adanma. Think it through. Then decide.
Take your time and move at your own pace.
Dear Adanma,
So sorry to hear about this. I believe that God always gives us signs before we enter into marriage as to whether this is for us or not. I think this is your sign, you have been forwarned but it totally depends on how you see it.
All i can say is..if he can do it before you got married he can do it again..and he will come back to ask for forgiveness. That is man for u.
Also there is a child involved.
Also remember that a broken engagement is far far far far better than a broken marriage. Marriage in God's eyes is for life
Prayerfully consider this.
Kpakpando i am totally feeling your comment, funny but na true talk u talk...
i can't believe some people are suggesting she should go ahead but then again it is up to Adanma...but if na me...like Neffie/Waffy i no have the liver for extra drama. Marriage has enuff drama on its own.
May God help us all...
There are a couple of things that struck me:
1. His motivation for confessing. These misdeeds happened almost 4 years ago and he's only now felt led to confess? What is his true motivation? Was it the fact that she asked for child support and now he's afraid of being exposed? Can I marry a man who cheated on me early on in our relationship, during what would be called the "honeymoon phase"? If he was already cheating then, what will he do when times get tough and challenges come along?
2. What is Obinna's character? If the child is his, and he's apparently in a profession that pays him fairly well, then he's obligated to do the right thing and pay child support. If he doesn't, this will reveal aspects of his character that I would find undesirable. If the child isn't his (do a paternity test) that's one thing but if it is his child and he shows a reluctance to accept responsibility for his actions (even though this would take money away from our family if I married him), I think that reveals something important about him. Is this the kind of guy I want to marry? Do I want my children to have him as their example?
Before I made any decisions, I would need to know that this really was the only instance of cheating, and that it was never repeated (with the nurse or with anyone else). I'd want to know why he felt justified to cheat at the time and why he never cheated again (I'll take it as his word that he never cheated again, but let me tell you I have my suspicions).
And if I was considering staying, like someone else mentioned I'd want to have a frank discussion, and to be honest I'd love to see this child too, and make sure that he really is 3 years old or so, and not, perhaps 9 months old, or a year and a half...if you catch my meaning.
Basically it comes down to trust for me, and I would have to work really hard and pray quite earnestly for God to help me deal with this situation in a way that would be respectful of all parties involved and hopefully benefit us all.
@sting - I think that's why people are mentioning prayer. Yes, what's been done has been done, and nothing will change that but prayer could change how the different parties involved choose to react: perhaps Adanma's heart will be softened and forgiving due to prayer, perhaps Obi will never cheat again due to prayer, you never know until you try!
If any of the answers I received didn't satisfy me, I'd end the engagement. A marriage is between a husband and wife; everyone else is just a bystander, so I would not let their opinions of the situation factor into this because they will not be living the day-to-day aspects of this marriage with me.
Everyone has said it all. No say we no tell you ooh.
i tend to stay away from giving advice in cases like this cos it scares me; i will seat back and read the advice of others, I pray and hope the parties involved make the right decision.
Na only Adanma wey sabi wey e dey pinch am most, and the truth is that if she listens to herself, she will see she already has an answer or knows the right thing to do. She might just need someone to affirm that decision for her or someone to talk her out of it. You are your best advisor
it's a toughie...after 4 yrs, a bit too long to not have known he had a kid, why did she tell him now after so long, irrespective of just wanting child support.
it's a lot to think about but let your head guide u not ur heart on this one. best of luck.
Hmm..this is tough...But Adanma, only YOU can make this decision. I agree with Kafo - pray very hard. You need to be sure that if you decide to stay with him, you wont become bitter over time, or you wont have to get a monitoring device for him everytime you leave the room. If you think you love him, its better to push the wedding a bit further so you are sure. Then tell him to own up to both parents - see his reaction to that. Its good for you also, so both sides know that though you decided to stay, this is what you are getting into.
Then I want you to consider adopting the child legally. Its expensive to have to pay child support out there but think of it this way - it cuts out involvement with the woman completely. If you don't she will always be the 'other woman'. I also know it will be a toll on your emotions but I know of a woman who did this and it was until she died that the child even knew that she was not his biological mother - she showered him with love.
There.....You need to pray and fast for God's direction. I cannot imagine being in your shoes (also about to be married, dated for four years, were friends for a year, both parents and friends know each other).
God is your strength...
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