There have been updates on Adanma's story. Please read and share your opinion. Thanks. If you are unfamiliar with the first part of this situation, please feel free to read it here. There is a link leading you back here easily.
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Solly:
My bestfriend was convinced that Obinna was not telling me everything about the mother of his child. So, I know you won't like this but my bff and I checked his email and found his correspondence with her. Her name is Kisha and I sent her a message. It took 2 days but she responded and agreed to meet me for coffee.
She was a little late but we managed to have a good meeting and I learned a lot. According to her, she and Obinna had more than a 'fling' and their relationship, which was emotional and sexual, started before he asked me out and well after I returned from my 2 month trip to Nigeria. She said that the relationship ended abruptly when he stopped calling her and things just fizzled to an end from there.
I asked her why she waited until now to inform him that he has a child who is already a toddler and her excuse was flimsy. She said that things had become tough and that she needed the help. But, I got the impression that this is more than a financial issue. I think that she wants him back, and this is based on looking at the email communication between herself and Obinna. Can you believe that she started emailing him almost 4 months ago? I cannot believe it took him all that time to finally tell me about this.
Well, I thanked her for taking the time to meet with me and tried to be as graceful as possible, but I am still very confused. Obinna got very angry when I told him I met with Kisha. He started complaining about me checking his email and whatnot. I told him I had to do it, because I needed to know more to figure out whether or not marriage is still an option. When I said that, he broke down and began to plead with me. He does not want his family to know about this child. He said he is worried because he promised his father that he would not have a child out of wedlock and his mother would "die" (his words), when she learns of Kisha's heritage.*
I feel sorry for Obinna, and I cannot lie, I still love him, though I am very mad that he put me in this situation. He clearly is sorry for messing up. But now that I have learned that he not only lied about the nature and length of his relationship with Kisha, but also waited almost 4 months to finally tell me about it, I don't know if I could ever trust him. What else has he lied about? What else is he hiding? And, now, my mother has sensed that something is wrong and she keeps calling me. We talked recently and she asked if the wedding was still on. I didn't know what to say so I told her yes and that everything was fine. She was relieved and said that she would kill herself if things didn't work out because she would be too ashamed to face everyone. My mother has always been very dramatic and has been talking so much about the wedding to everyone and anyone. Now the family wants us to come home in August for some kind of ceremony and party for us, at which point I will have to meet with the wedding planner picked by my mom. This is far too much pressure and I do not know what to do.
* Kisha is African American
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Just so you guys know, her checking his email was spurred by a couple of the comments which suggested that she investigate further, because it is weird that a doctor would have sex with a fling, without protection. She has asked Obinna to get a DNA test which he says he will get. For the sake of full disclosure, I have told Adanma that the ultimate choice is hers. My role is simply to help her think through her options so she can ultimately make her own choice. Honestly, I think she wants to marry him (and have told her this, already), but is afraid that doing so will end up being a mistake. As we all know, Naija folks don't really condone divorce and she comes from a Catholic family, so once she gets into this...
Anyway, let me stop here. Please feel free to offer advice, sugestions, simply comment, or whatever you can to Adanma. Thanks so much for your time and have a blessed weekend.
41 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
I'm first! I'm first :)
Meanwhile poor thing is in a really sticky situation but like she said now she has to think: what else could he have lied about? I think she should just take her time and not necessarily cancel but postpone the wedding so she has time to think things through and they can work out what they want to do {sans all the pressure}
Adanma, I think it is best you postpone the wedding so that you have time to really think things through. I have always said that marriage is the BIGGEST step we take in life. Nothing compares to it. Therefore, it is best we do it ONCE and DO IT WELL.
As for Kisha telling you that her relationship with Obinna was "more than a 'fling' and their relationship, which was emotional and sexual, started before he asked me out and well after I returned from my 2 month trip to Nigeria", I would say take that information in with a BIG SOUP-SPOON of SALT. We are all women here (well mostly) and we know the length some of our brethren will go to get a man back.
Obinna has lied to you not once but three times. It is very natural for you not to trust him now. What else is he not telling you? On the other hand, I have to tell you to be careful when you go seeking for information because you might not like what you find. But then again, it is better to know some things before hand.
You have a big decision to make. Pray if you believe in prayer, take your time, prepare your thoughts, and leave your family and his family out of it. Trust me, when you are happy or sad in your matrimonial home they will not be able to take the pain or joy away. They will share it but only you will feel and bear the full consequence of your decisions.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take heart.
wow this almost seems like a movie
i think the last time i had about 6 pieces of advise for your friend, today i only have one
ur mother WILL NOT kill herself so please do what is best FOR U oooooooooooooooooo
okay i have one more thing to say in form of a question
1. if he lied about this and he has cheated on u now what is to stop him for doing so in the future?
Wow this story is so crazy...
I believe it's not my place to tell you what to do, everyone for themselves..but I will say my opinion.
For me, there's 2 things that is the ULTIMATE no-no in a relationship
1) Cheating
2) Physical abuse
In relationships we can experience many problems, but I've always made those my rules. Now, this man who claims to love you and wants to marry you have cheated on you for an extended period of time long time BEFORE you are even married. Shouldn't that ring a huge alarm?
I don't know you or him so I will not judge, but this worries me because it's a fair thought to question his real intentions with you. Is he with you because you are the perfect "trophy" wife who will satisfy all his families expectations? Or because he truly wants you and love you? We are living in the 21st century, you are a smart, worthy and beautiful woman. Every woman is beautiful. And you deserve being in a relationship based on love, not tactics...If he is so into you, how come he can't keep his hands to himselves and disrespect you in the most ultimate way? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You should do some serious soul searching and ask yourself whether you think this will actually stop or not. Be TRUE to yourself, even if it hurts. You will hurt a lot more if this keeps happening. If you just let this go, you are kind of giving him a sign that it's ok anyway, so keep that in mind?
To be really blunt with my personal opinion - I think you deserve way better. You should never marry someone because of other peoples expectations. Remember that this decision will stick with you for the rest of your life until you grow old. Think about how you wish to look back on your life. Regrets or no regrets? Think into the future. What about children? You will most likely have them. What kind of home do you dream of having? What kind of father do you want them to have? And CAN he do what it takes?
It does sound like you really want to marry him, and I can understand that. But please, marry him for the right reasons. Love and potential, not fear of concequences.And that can be a hard thing to sort out in the emotional mess you are probably in right now. None of your parents will die ok..what your mother ultimately cares about is you and your happiness. Let people talk.
I wish you the very BEST luck and remember you are a woman who deserves the best.
Hmmmm,now i am confused.I really am so i cant imagine how u are feeling.
I am so sorry but i just want you to know,i will have you in my prayers,i definitely don't know what to say again.
Someone cant claim claim he's coming out with the honest truth and told all these les at the same time.
Like kafo said,ur mum wont kill herself,u'd have to look for a good "Excuse" not to come though.....maybe work or sumtin dat sounds really serious like dat
Like SSD already said you want to marry him but you are scared you may be making a mistake.
Really I won't believe anything Kisha says. & 4 months isnt to long, for him to tell you he has a kid. he had to be sure.
I'm really not in support of his actions, but like I said b4 you know him more than we do.
Hopefully your decision will be the right one.
I think the lady should take some time out to ponder things. Its alot to chew.Marriage is a huge step you dont want to go in with doubts like this.
I also think both families should be fully informed.
Hmmmm…tough place to be…but as I said in the last post the choice is ultimately her's…Can she deal with him having a kid outside?
Can you deal with him going away for the kid's birthday, illness, parents meeting in school, school plays and all that?
If you thinks you can then go ahead but otherwise…..As for loving him….my paople say love is a decision...
I am glad she investigated. And sad that he actually lied about things. But I still insist(from my comment on pt1) that she call both parents and let Obinna tell them what he has done (whether his mother dies there or not). It was his mistake, but if she goes into this without someone else knowing, she might get blamed for leaving if she has to later, without the folks knowing the full details.
I also repeat from my other comment on pt1 that she consider adopting the kid, so that Obinna is totally cut off from Kisha, since it was obviously more than a fling. But do the DNA test before that- she might even be lucky and it wont even be his baby.
It will be painful but it will secure Obinna to her and Kisha wont have any opportunity to get him back.
As for Kisha wanting him back - of course she would, and whatever she tells her would definitely be said in a way to make her not want to go ahead with the wedding anymore.
Its obvious Obinna really regrets it with his crying and all but she cannot bear the consequences alone. She should go to Nigeria but insist on a family meeting before any party or wedding planning or anything. Just the parents and the two of them. Let them know that she is still considering marrying him but that he has something he wants them to know - let him do the talking o. You know Nigerian families - his side will support her in the future 'if' and 'when' he starts misbehaving, and call him to order then, because they know of this now.
Really deep. As for her best friend, I really want to know if she is in a relationship or not.
Prayer is the key on this one o!
Adanma,
This may be a good time to create a 'Why Did (Should) I Get Married' list. You know... the lists of good and bad. If the good outweighs the bad, then you should find some solace in the fact that there's much more good in Obinna that the wrong he's done. If the bad outweighs, I'm sorry sweetie, but you'll have to break a few hearts.
You need to remember that all these people who have vested interest in your wedding ceremony would not be there to live your married life with you. So don't give them so much consideration when you're making one of the most important decisions in your life. It seems like a selfish thing to do, but you don't ever want to make a mistake with marriage. You get?
Another thing to consider is this - do you want to be living a lie for the rest of your life? He's asking you to join him in hiding the truth about first born child! Is that something you can do without any worries? Maybe you should share with him that 'the truth sets him free'... always.
All the best my dear, I pray that the Holy Spirit gives you guidance. Pray a lot o, Adanma.
Adanma,
thanks for the update..i can imagine that you are in a difficult place right now considering you love Obi. Your update has only confirmed my suspicion and i stand to my earlier advice to you so i won't say much. I am passionate about issues like this and will not want you to make a grievous mistake.
marriage is not child's play. your destiny is tied to your partner forever. You need more than love for a marriage to survive. If there is no trust u have nothing...
do not be pressured by your mother or family and all,it will be u in the relationship for eternity. Do NOT be lead by your emotions ONLY... Pls my sister shine your eyes
I repeat a broken engagement is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar better than a broken marriage...
meanwhile if Obi is really serious and repentant, he will own up to what he has done...how can he say he doesnt want his parents to know about the child. Shu na whole child o..that will grow up o..can u really hide a child?? He has to be accountable.
Ohhh i said i didnt want to talk too much. My dear I wish u all the best as you make your decision cuz at the end of the day it's all about you.
I am scared of you lot! Woah with the advice!! @Daydah can you imagine someone plotting to adopt your child and keep you out of their lives?!Lailai!
So for Adanma, nobody will live your life but you, any threats of death, self harm, shame or whatever, are part of the emotional baggage Nigerians use to keep ourselves castrated within nonsensical ideologies.
I think you're going to marry him, and you are no fool for doing so. Cheating is not the end of the world, he broke your trust yes, but you have always been and remain his primary concern, that carries a lot more weight. I'm not saying cheating is always ok, but in this situation it sounds like something you can work through.
I think the best way to deal with this is to postpone the wedding; tell the guests what you like but please put your emotional well being and the strength of your future union before the theatrics and pomp of the wedding day.
Most importantly, you have to tell both families, Obinna must face up to the full consequence and responsibility of this situation. Imagine what that child will feel in adulthood knowing he/she was a dirty secret?!
Also (sorry I'm going on here), continue with not disrepcting Kisha. Whatever her wishes now, it doesn't sound to me that she was complicit in cheating on you at the start (I may be wrong). She is a mother who wants the best for herself and her child, both you AND Obinna should communicate with her. It's gonna be hell and tough going, but for the sake of your marriage its worth the sacrifices IMHO.
Really Daydah would you want your child cut off from your life???
Am with Zeit on this one, Kisha could be exaggerating the truth cos like you pointed she might want him back.
Tell your parents to take a break from the wedding preparations and sort it out. Trust me girl u r better off being a nearly wed than a divorcee
Follow your heart, Adanma.
Truth though, the guy made a mistake. Unfortunately, he cannot hide that mistake. Everyone has to know about it. Including his parents.
I am happy you have found out more. Now I think, you have an opportunity of making a decision now that all the cards are on the table. Also, thanks for being honest and brave enough to share this new information. Here is MY own humble opinion...
1) NOBODY IS GOING TO DIE IF YOU MARRY OR DO NOT GET MARRIED. So, please, remove that thought from your mind once and for all. NOTHING will happen. You will wake up the next day and the sky will still be there and the earth under your feet.
2) I am very sad and disgusted by the fact that an innocent child is being treated with so much disrespect. He is in this world, he did not ask to come into the world. His very existence was determined by two irresponsible human beings. His own father ashamed of him? I am sorry, but what exactly, does that tell you about this so called man you are marrying? He is not a man. A man will own up to his mistakes and face the consequencies. If he needs to do a D.N.A test or paternity test, let him get on with it. He is a doctor for Christ sake! He is irritating me.
3) At this point, you MUST inform both families of this developement. Yes, he made a mistake but a CHILD is not something you can hide. As someone advised, the truth shall set both of you free.
4) There is nothing wrong if you want to go ahead with this marraige, that is your choice. As far as you think you love him enough to cope with all these issues.
5)The most important and innocent person is the child. You are both adults, nobody is going to die and nothing is going to happen to both of you. However, the future of this child is hanging now, very loosely on the decision you make.
If you decide to keep this child a secret, you are depriving this child of his father and any future siblings he might have. You are also depriving him of knowing his father's family and his roots.
If you really love this man, if you truly and deeply love this man, and you want him to be the father of your children, if you want to spend the rest of your life with him and you truly believe this was just a mistake, and that you truly believe you can deal with this situation and all others that might follow, then you should hold his hand and tell both families what the situation is.TOGETHER.
IF I WERE YOU THOUGH, I would not go ahead with the marraige...like I said, baby mama drama and child no be my cup of tea. It will be too much for my disposition.
@daydah:
"I also repeat from my other comment on pt1 that she consider adopting the kid, so that Obinna is totally cut off from Kisha, since it was obviously more than a fling. But do the DNA test before that- she might even be lucky and it wont even be his baby.
It will be painful but it will secure Obinna to her and Kisha wont have any opportunity to get him back"
That was one of the most ignorant, ridiculous shit I have ever heard...and here I was thinking I had heard it all...
Cut a child off from his mother because of what? You would destroy the lives of two human beings, because of WHAT?
Because of "man"...hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
See all the wahala wey penis dey cause? abeg make I no die of laughter for here...
I really really really don't like him (that was 3 reallys, my most ever). But I guess I am not the one who loves him and is engaged to him...
Gurl.. you know what? kick of your shoes and lay back with a glass of soemthing. Don't do anything, not for him, not for your mother, not for the people who say you should come home in August.
Don't even try to think now. Just relax and be. The answer will come to you when you are relaxed. And stop discussing the situation with anyone (bff inclusive) or your head will only spin like a carousel and no answers will come to you.
Me- speaking from experience. Take your time. Take up to one year if you want. It is nobody's business. Don't feel pressured you hear? Might sound cliche'd but if he loves you he will wait! Take your sweet time, you are the wounded party here! Peace out.
Leave this man ehn? Anyway
One more question you need to ask yourself why did he choose you over her. Obviously they had an emotional and sexual relationship. Is he with you because you are the perfect naija girl that his parents will love or is he in fact not into Kisha?
Why cut off Kisha? What makes you think she'll sign her child over to another woman. Men it's not that simple. I feel very bad for Kisha because obviously Kisha and Adanna got betrayed.
Adaeze and Waffarian have said all i intended to....
NOBODY is going to DIE or be too upset if you dont go thru with the marriage. Its your life and your happiness.... After the wedding day, ur left on ur own to face al the troubles
Ultimately its ur decision, but personally, i will not go ahead. I have a feeling its cuz ur the perfect naija girl, thats y he chose u.... he and Kisha were involved before u came into the pic so why did he have to lie about the whole thing
Im sure you wil find someone who treats you well cuz u deserve better
Truth be told, after the wedding and he satisfies his parents do u think he'd continue acting like ur the only one he loves?????? follow your heart. Never go into something you are not 100% sure about
Theres no 2 ways, he's going to want to be involved in the child's life if not now, but later. are u willing to go through it?
Pray about it dear and never put anyone's happiness before yours, not even your parents... ITS YOUR LIFE/....t ehy have lived theirs...
This is so heavy, can Adanmna take a two day break away from everyone so she can get her mind together?
First and foremost, over-dramatic parents are a Nigerian staple. Take them out of the equation.
Secondly why hide his child from his parents? Denying your child his grand parents to cover your deeds is not fair. I am more upset about that than him having the child in the first place.
From paersonal experience I know that if Ada decides to marry him she should prepare herself for baby mama drama. Keisha doesn't sound like someone who will give a married couple their breathing space.
This is starting to sound like a soap opera, and I'm sorry for that.
Some warning signs:
Adanma: you had to go through Obi's emails to find out that he had been corresponding with Kisha for the past 4 months. He's giving you pieces of the truth when it's necessary, rather than telling you the whole story. This alone makes me suspcious of him, and what other things he could be hiding. Kisha may not be the only girl he's cheated on you with (though hopefully she's the only one who he's impregnated).
Also, Obi crying does not prove his contriteness in any way (as a commenter implied), though I actually don't think Obi was crying; he was just pleading with you. Fear of being caught, fear of his family's reaction to his out of wedlock child, those are all things that could move someone to beg. Don't be fooled! A truly contrite person would (in my opinion) confess everything and be willing to deal with the consequences of his actions. What I see in Obi is a man who is still trying to get away with brushing his misdeeds under the rug.
And his child! Imagine how s/he will feel to learn that s/he has been rejected by his/her father and treated as a "mistake" to be hidden through no fault of his/her own, just so you and he can have the image of the perfect marriage. It is not fair to this child! You are not to blame in anyway for this, but Obi should not think this is an acceptable to treat his child. He has a responsibility to this child and I hope that no matter what happens, he does his duty.
Nobody wants to disappoint his/her family, but it happens sometimes and despite people saying they can never forgive this, or never forget that, when you have your reasons and you believe in them, you will be able to withstand the comments and other stuff from family. It won't be easy, and it may take a long while before you're able to get over it, but you will honestly have done the right thing for you and with matters like marriage, it is about you and your spouse first and foremost.
So please, you have to stop mentioning how this person would die, or that person would die if the truth of the matter is revealed, or if the wedding is cancelled.
I clearly do not think you should go through with this marriage, but I respect that it is your decision to make.
I could write a lot more about the situation, but I know you will be reading countless opinions on the matter. Whatever you do, please take the time to think it through well, and think past the wedding day, where everyone and everything will look happy and perfect. Look to the future, the years and years that stretch ahead of you. Be sure that you will be able to deal with whatever other surprises you are confronted with. Do not marry Obi until you are sure that everything is on the table, and nothing remains hidden any longer.
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Well Adanma, the second part of this story confirms a suspicion i had from the first post. Obinna has wronged both of you and has acted dishonourably towards that child. I know Kisha is coming off like the intruder or the problem here but i think you should try to view the situation from her perspective. It is not your fault but as far the relationship between Obinna and Kisha goes, you were the other woman. So you can understand why she may feel she still has a chance of getting him back. I think you were very mature in meeting her and calmly discussing things.
Regretfully i must say that Obinna is WEAK. Not because he made a mistake, but because he is not showing any signs of taking responsibility for the consequences of his poor choices. He would rather screw up this child's life to preserve the image and wishes of his family. It is said that people show us their true colours and i think that's exactly what he's doing.
His response to this situation should give you a clear picture of the kind of man you're planning to marry. He probably dumped Kisha because she's not Nigerian. Satisfying his family is of higher priority to him than doing the right thing and you'd better believe that he won't be any different when you are the one in the hot seat.
In deciding what to do about the wedding, your life and future are the only important factors to consider. Ignore all the manipulation from extended family; they will have to accept your decision whatever it is. If you go ahead with the wedding, you can't say that you weren't warned beforehand because the whole thing is exposed before you now. Shine your eyes well.
Whether you marry Obinna or not, please do not be party to depriving this poor child of a father. I think you should let the families know exactly what is going on.
My stance on the wedding is this: I think God is giving you a way out. I would take it! It's not easy giving up what you built for four years and i can't guarantee that you will meet another prince charming and everything will be perfect etc. But i do believe that you deserve better than a miserable marriage.
I will have to agree with GoodNaijaGirl and Mogaji in this matter.
Mogaji said Obviously they had an emotional and sexual relationship. Is he with you because you are the perfect naija girl that his parents will love or is he in fact not into Kisha? And that's exactly what is coming up to me. It seems like Obi was vested in his relationship with Kisha but was too coward to come forward and tell his family about her and her "background"... What does that even mean?
I understand your plight especially the fact that you've invested so much time and love in this relationship, so ultimately the decision should be yours.
Personally, I would ask myself if Kisha was not Nigerian, would Obi marry her instead(since he continued seeing her after you were with him, then he probably was emotionally attached to her)... And I would also ask myself do I ever want to keep wondering that for the rest of my life?
The child is being the victim of all those shenanigans. Not talk about the child to his parents? *smh*... I would ask myself do I want to marry a person who wants to be a deadbeat dad?
And to all of you who are mentionning the DNA test, don't you think a DOCTOR would have thought of that if there was any inkling that the child was not his? It's because he's bloody aware that the chances that this child is not his are slim to none.
But anyways, by all means, the decision lies with Adanma. She should really make sure to understand the ins and outs of everything she's getting into.
And please, let those parents be jare. The parents will always be dramatic. My mother threatened to die one hundred eleven times when I called off my wedding. Two years later she is still alive and well. Parents want what they "think" is best for us. Only YOU know what is best for you.
Good luck, darling, as this pickle is a serious one. Take care.
Btw, i just wanted to add that this story reminds me of the whole Prince Charles, Camilla, Diana triangle but with the added complication of a child. We all know how that marriage worked out for Diana.
Again i cant really tell her what to do. She knows what is best for her. Even tho u love someone doesnt mean they are right for you. At the same time- i dont see why the marraige won't work. But what bothers me is him disowning his child. He's ashamed or has the fear of embarassment? he should have thot of that when humping without strapping up- no? If she decides to marry him- she should be careful and not support him in hiding the child if it's his. No child deserves to grow up without a father.
I support her checking his emails. If he was honest with her- she wont have felt the need to. And its a good thing that she did as she came to the bottom of the truth. That way when she makes a decision to marry him or not- it'll be based on the whole truth.
The other question is why is he marrying you? Cos u fit into his parents specs or becos he loves u?
Also I think its very heartless of him to be intimate with a girl and then go off and bring a Naija babe. I dont get it, so Kisha was good for shagging but not good enof for marriage. Kisha tho might not be Nigerian- has emotions!!! u just dont treat folks like that. So Adanma really has to look at the way this man she so loves treats the people around him. Marriage is for a long term. u cant just base ur decision on love or your virginity. If you dont choose right- u'll be miserable. So pls Adanma, think very well and get counsel from someone nutural e.g. your rev. father or something.
And pray and fast about this.
Two things worry me the most about your husband-to-be (and these things worry me even more than the fact that he apparently had an emotional and physical relationship with someone else other than you):
1. That he does not want to take the responsibility of owning the child
2. That he wants your respective families kept in the dark about the whole situation
It's like he's lurked in the shadows long enough, and yet, he's still trying to lurk there and drag you into lurking there as well. Are you honestly going to be okay beginning a lifelong marriage under such conditions?
The ideal thing for you all to do is to have a meeting with each other and your parents, as people have already suggested. Yes, parents can be busy-bodies at times but at the end of the day, the wisdom of true elders cannot be overestimated. Don't make the crucial mistake of thinking that this is something you can handle on your own. You'd only be setting yourself up for a nastier situation when the truth eventually does come out (as it always does).
The issues at hand are very serious. Not only did he cheat and lie (about the relationship and the child it led to) but he's also reluctant to take up FULL responsibility for the entire situation (I mean, how can he still be urging you to cover up, etc?!).
In fact, it seems as though if he had his way, he would not be owning up to any responsibility whatsoever, and THAT is a very bad sign. Definitely does not bode well.
My advice - take a rain check on the wedding plans. Get the parents involved. Depending on if you do decide to go ahead with the marriage, seek out marriage counseling. Take the time to 're-know' your fiance since it's turning out that there are a lot of things about him you did not know. Ask yourself how the new side of him changes things for you in terms of him being not just your potential husband but the potential father of your kids as well. Whatever you do, don't be rushed, pressured or persuaded into what might turn out to be the greatest mistake of your life - being stuck in a marriage without trust and respect. And of course, pray. God won't miraculously provide a solution but He can definitely give you the wisdom to know what to do and the strength to do it.
I wish you the best!
my input for part 1 i see is equally adaptable for part 2..i'll just add again that...dont do what ever you do cos of what people will say//
all the best..
This is kind of a clear cut situation.. My big problem with this Obinna guy is his unwillingness to "Man Up" , and handle the situation the right way.
For there to be ANY chance of marrying this guy, there HAS to be FULL 100% disclosure, no hiding anything from anyone. What kind of man is too scared to tell people he has a child?
Once you agree to the cover up, you have become part of the whole matter.
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY without first making sure everyone knows what happened. In fact if you do marry him, cancel this particular wedding date, he has to face some consequences for his actions..
If you end up marrying him on the scheduled date while still keeping his secret, prepare yourself for a life of misery from being your husband's 'football'.
Stop sneaking around to get info, go to his house with your 'hardest' close friend, and he has exactly one shot to give you the complete details, or everything is canceled on the spot.
I seriously don't even think he's worth the wahalla, not because he cheated on you, but because he's acting like a little girl.
Adanma, I know its hard but you know in your hearts of hearts that Obinna is not the man for you.
He's showing you exactly who he is, so why don't you just believe him? Obinna cheated on you, lied to you and now wants you to join him in his lies and deceit. Don't do it! Make no mistake, Obinna is not sorry about the situation, he's just sorry you found out. If he was sorry, it wouldn't have been Kisha's child support battle that prompted the truth from him.
What kind of a man are you trying to hold on to here?
- A man who can deny his own flesh and blood? What happens if you have children with him and your relationship doesn't work out? It will be easy for him to walk away from your children too, after all he's had practice.
- A man who looked you in your face and professed his love for you, while warming another woman's bed for how long? Trust me, that's not how love behaves. A mistake happens once, maybe twice, not for weeks or months on end. He's a cheat by nature, a wedding ring won't change this.
- A man who had the opportunity to come clean with you, but instead chose to continue to lie to you. Obinna will continue to lie to you or creatively manage the truth as long as he thinks he can get away with it. If you marry him, what else will he lie about, the finances, the bump on his penis, the phone calls in the middle of the night?
Nne, you're worried about what everyone will think and how they will be disappointed, what about you? You're the one who will be living with this man, ingesting his lies and facing the consequences, not your mom, his parents or your sister. You're still worried about protecting Obinna's image, but what about your sanity? Do you want to become one of the Nigerian women who use xanax and alcohol to dull the pain of their failed marriage? Do you want to be one of those women who self medicate with shopping and exotic trips abroad, thinking nobody knows their marriage is a farce? Do you want to become one of those women that use church and religion as a substitute husband, fasting and praying into oblivion, when if they had just made a better decision in the beginning, the could be living a fulfilling married life?
I'm sure Obinna is a wonderful person and your love for him is genuine; but see the suffering you're going through already. Marriage is NOT MOIN MOIN! Abeg continue to shine your eyes further... you'll be surprised what else you find.
It's ultimately your choice, but my advice, do not marry this man. You've already invested 4 years into this, but it's better to break things off now, than continue investing into this and continue to yield bad returns like this. Your prince will come my dear, but if you keep holding on to the frog, how will the prince even know you're available?
Sometimes it's harder to do the best thing for you, but at the end of the day, your suffering will be less.
like in pt 1, i will go with no comments here as well. it's honestly she who wears d shoes dat knows exactly were it pinches, & is therefore d ultimate decider. however, all d comments make very interesting read.
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I'm glad Adanma has investigated further as advised and I am going to have to give a different kind of advise than I did the first time.
Marriage is too sacred and such a commitment that you don't want to go into it not trusting your partner. You'll forver have it at the back of your mind that he might be hiding things.
A child is not something to be hidden. He needs to be man enough if he deserves you to open up to his family members...and he was even carrying on the relationship while you were dating..wow...
I think you need a break from him first of all to be able to think clearly! Your mother or any relative isn't going to be in that marriage with you...just you and the man you decide to say I do to...
I wish you the best!
This situation is no longer sticky!
i feel very bothered by this and wish i could talk to this girl face to face
a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage and the fact that you are still living together in a miserable marriage wont make it less a broken one
i say this situation is no longer sticky because
1. he asked her out while he was technically still seeing Kisha = so in a sense he cheated on kisha = not a good sign at all.
2. he dropped kisha abruptly frankly i do not see a kind man
3. he kept it from her for 4 months! all the while planning a wedding! does he want to kill her?
4. using his parents as emotional blackmail is just low... his mother will survive this so will everybody else except your friend = if she married him oh
5. non disclosure is adequate grounds for seperation!
a word is enough for the wise
all this brouhahah wont look so big in 10 years time!
he will give her more drama later oh!
if she is a day younger than 37, i would think there is enough time to find someone else oh
and her own mother will survive it too! i am even angry with her mum for the emotional blackmail from her end!
and you shouldnt join him to hide a WHOLE CHILD... his first born child oh and the idea of cutting the child's mother off is a joke!
she is the child's mother!
So I'm probably commenting on the wrong story, but to clarify, I read the story about Emily who couldn't have children due to abortions (or something like that).
So her husband said that she confessed to sleeping with between 35 and 40 men before him.
I'm not sure how this is an issue.
A significant number of men sleep with between 35 and 40 women before insisting on marrying *virgin* wives.
That aside, I think it was wrong to be dishonest about her reproductive ability, and to keep quiet about it for so long was unfair.
It's not the end of the world. While I can clearly see how he must have major trust issues with her for not telling him, at the same time, if they work through those issues, then there are thousands of beautiful children that need a home desperately.
Adoption is always the answer.
I hate these things. Love stinks, it makes things hard, and there's no way to get around it. If she didn't love him this would have been an open and shut case.
But now because of bloody love, all 36 of us have to ponder the best way to navigate this situation.
*sighs dramatically*
Okay.
We need to find out what Obinna is hiding.
She needs to postpone the wedding for at least a year because they need to mend the wounds in their relationship.
Obinna needs to man up and take responsibility for his child.
Ahhhh I don't know the rest.. kai!
call off the wedding!
Adanma u say u "love" Obi but my dear apparently what u thought was love isnt love because all this going behind his back to communicate with the girl and checking his email, is sneaky. It was for your own good, and not necessarily his, meaning you didnt care to think how he would feel about it. The trust isnt there and thats a big factor.
I cant tell you if Obinna is the one for you but one thing I can tell you is that when God speaks, we should listen.
A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
in my mind now...your decision is simple...leave him jare!!!
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