Hey Easier Crew! Hope all is well with you all. Here is this week's TTTEC installment. I hope you will have some good advice for this reader.
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I am an African American woman and I have been dating my Nigerian boyfriend, Segun (but i call him 'Gun') for 2 years. We have had a wonderful relationship, with the normal ups and downs. He does not have a lot of family members in our area, but when his uncle came to visit in 2008, I met him and had a wonderful time listening to his stories and tales. I know all his friends, Nigerian and non-Nigerian, and know that I am a part of his life.
Gun's mother and sister recently came to visit from Nigeria. I came over to visit them, but they were far from warm to me. I wondered if there was a communication problem and decided to simply be cordial and helpful. They needed to go do some shopping and so I volunteered to take them. I spent an entire Saturday driving them from mall to mall. I took them to lunch and bought his sister a Coach bag and wallet that she liked. Despite my efforts, these women hardly spoke to me and neither of them said thank you or hinted that they appreciated my time and money.
The next day, after church, I raised the issue with my boyfriend, who encouraged me to calm down but we got into a fight over things and while we were arguing, his mother barged into the room and started to shout in Yoruba, which I do not understand. At one point however, she looked at me and said "this useless girl" and no matter her accent, I understood immediately that she disapproved of me. I am not sure what else she said, but Gun kept trying to keep her calm and soon asked me to leave, promising that we would talk about things later.
It has been 2 weeks and we have not seen each other. His mother and sister are still in town and so I assume that he does not want to upset her. Gun and I are very committed to each other and have spoken about marriage and I know that he is exactly the sort of man I want to be with, but I wonder if his mother's irrational dislike of me will prevent that from happening. Why does she not like me? What can I do to make his mother realize that I love Gun greatly and need her to like me? I think I should just approach her and talk to her. Gun and I exchange texts and he keeps telling me to be patient but I am worried about things and don't want my relationship to fall apart. But, is this a battle I cannot win? I love him and I hope that he will not choose his mother over me. Please give me some advice on how to deal with this.
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46 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
fiirrrsst
Tinu, go to bed! Blog stalker. Mschheeeeeeeew. lol. 2nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd
First of all, you don't want to enter into a Nigerian family by buying the sister coach. Especially when she doesn't like you. She will take the bag but knows ur trying to buy her over. 2ndly, I don't think there's really anything you can do right now but wait and pray your love is enough. Its in his hands now.
First of all, you don't want to enter into a Nigerian family by buying the sister coach. Especially when she doesn't like you. She will take the bag but knows ur trying to buy her over. 2ndly, I don't think there's really anything you can do right now but wait and pray your love is enough. Its in his hands now.
Bibi why sooo bitter????lol
just relax be patient with his mom and his sister, its going to take a while and pray!
A man and his mother? Chances of it working out is like .1%. I HARDLY believe that he will choose you over her.In fact that will be a miracle. I will say pack your bags and go while things are still early. My opinion is all.
cut your losses ASAP
Made top 10! Lol!
Let me go read - properly :-)))
Hmmm, the bond between a nigerian mother and her son can most times (not all) be an unhealthy and obsessive one!
Nope u should not be buying 'things' to win affection or likeness - that is developed by mutual respect through getting to know them.
It see his mother does not want him to marry anyone outside his race (yup that is still rife). Be patient and pray - if he indeed is ur husband to be, God will make a way. God will let u know. If he is not God will let u know that too - and therefore u must just do as he says.
All the best.
I'ld say just pray but if he hasn't seen you for 2 weeks because she is around then babe you just might want to start counting your losses now.
What if you get married, would he put you up in a hotel or somewhere cos his mum is around???
Hi , I am also now married to a Nigerian guy. and i am not Nigerian. Okay well he's igbo.
His family showed me love when i met them so i have no complains there even though they were dome issues they discussed with my husband concerning me. These issues i think might also apply to you. I think most Nigerian families, always worry about there son especially marrying out side there race. Because there scared that one : they wont see there grand children if something should happen in the relationship, 2 that the woman will keep the man in the country they are living now.3 that you don't know the culture and you don't know how to act blah blah.
Well i think one thing you can do i be patient and be your self. i Have a white friend ( am not white, i am south-american (but black) and she married to a Yoruba guy, i am not saying all families are a like. But she seemed to win them over by being very humble and interested in learning about there culture.
So maybe you can try that.
But i think at the end of the day if the man doest not stand up and say this is the woman i want to marry you relationship is at lost.
Don't force it because if u don't watch out they might marry him off to some girl from their village when he comes to visit.
Does he have papers. Because in Holland here the excuse is mostly used that they are with the girl for papers ( she doesn't know that) and then they go back home and marry someone there parents say they should marry.
I thank God for my in laws, I pray we will stay Close and i hope some day you will have that too.
So pray for God to make a way. And that your bf family will see that your not trying to take him from them and that you really love him. Success.
sorry for such a long comment.
excuse me grammar errors.
English is not my first language. I know know thats is no excuse.
in-law issues!
my advise is to RUN from that relationship...
If you havent heard from him in 2weeks.... it means his relationship with his mother & sister is a close one and marrying into that family... with the mom already being biased without really knowing you... that is a major issue...
sure you can love him now... but you may find out that it's not worth it down the line
I say wait and be patient and see what he has to say...because at the end of the day, he is the only one that can make that decision.
There is NOTHING you can do when it comes to naija family stuff...even if you were a fellow Nigerian, who knows? who might also have the same shit with his mum. I'd say ignore them for now and wait for your guy to tell you what the plan is.
Whatever he decides, you are in for a rough ride. If he leaves you, you'll be fucked up, if he stays, you will have serious ass licking to do...
Who needs all that bullshit? But this is my opinion of course. I don't know anymore how much is worth sacrificing for the sake of love...these days, I value my peace of mind above all.
Good luck.
If he was going to put his foot down with his mother, he would have done it already... so the fact that he hasnt raises alarm...
A Nigerian man who's mother wouldnt want him to marry outside his race would have an inkling of it cos yes they know and understand their mothers... but even if he didnt, she has shown it loud and clear (louder and clearer than many would have) that she wont approve; and she has also shown it so loud and clear cos she is probably sure of the hold she has on him.... a mother with less hold or a stubborn son would be more sneaky about it to ensure she gets her way...
Frankly things dont look good... i think you should cut your losses and move on... they will make your marriage tougher than it should be... sorry love
you are certainly not useless so ignore his mother commenting about u as such…
part of me wants to write a long reassuring comment but i cannot...he is his mother’s child... what is stacked against you is the fact that she doesn't want her boy to be with you...
Please also know that I want to pat you on the back and say u were being nice taking them shopping and driving them about...but I’m Yoruba so I’ll be honest…back home in Nigeria that is the norm...right or wrong, it is what ladies are EXPECTED do everyday to please prospective or actual mother in laws...it sucks I know but that’s just the way it is…
it is not impossible to make this relationship work but the fact that he has stayed away from u for 2 weeks does not bode well...from his actions I can say that family comes first with him…which is good but sweetie for him to stay away from u means he doesn’t consider you to be family despite the fact that you have talked about marriage
u have done the right thing by being nice and respectful, tho the coach bag thing might be too much, u cant buy their love.
the bond between a nigerian mother and her son is one u cannot underestimate.
if he didnt put his feet down when it happened, well, doubt maybe he ever will.
dont say anything like u r breaking up or anything. just keep ur cool, meanwhile, start getting used to the fact that u might be over.
like jayla said, are u prepared to run each time they come around? cos they will come around.
u r not useless, so discountenance that rubbish. u r the best thing that will happen to another man if its not segun.
pray hard, it works.
all the best.
i think she should just wait for the man to tell her the next move..if he wants her good..if he doesnt then just pick up ur life and continue life....u sound like a really nice person so..u'd make someone if not segun the best wife!
like everyone had rightly said, neva buy anything to win anyone over.
And all you can do is wait and hope things work out. Besides, you do not want to go into a maariage where the mother doesnt like you, you would be miserable, even if your husband loves you to death. Mothers have this almost invisible powers over their sons.
Hope and Pray sweetie! sumtimes i dnt understand naija parents, is she d one dt is gonna live with the son? kai!
This is a tough one, simply because the odds are against you. The dude keeping away from u for 2 weeks is not a good sign. If the mom is so against you despite how nice u were to her, this might even be more than a nigerian vs. non-nigerian thing. People like that are also against inter-tribal marriages also. So u might still have this problem even if were nigerian from a different tribe.
I don't know about u, but i wouldn't want to marry into a family where my MIL hates me for no reason, and my husband is too chicken to stand up to her.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, but understand this is a test, Segun may be a little confused at this time and that I understand, marriage is a serious decision and any man would want his mom to approve of his partner in life. Be patient, very patient, be prayerful, let God know your hearst desires and all things are possible, talk to Segun, really really talk to him, honestly- to the core of who you are and what you want and also with your self esteem intact, let him know how much you love him and will like the future you guys talked about.
Talk to him about the sacrifices you are will to make, learning more about the culture etc. Please note that discrimination exists within the country itself and in between tribes, Nigerian parents can be VERY forceful, you need a man that can stand for you, be patient, and still look at the way he handles this situation, it is a sneak peek of the future you guys may hold together.
His age and maturity matter, his true intentions matter as in proposal/engagement etc how much influence his family has on him really matters.
Men need time, so please be cautiously patient.
my now hubby told his parents when it was time that I had a child from a previous relationship, knowing they really would not approve, but guess what it took time, he did it on his own time though I was getting nervous and impatient but it paid off, we are very happily married with no problems from his family.
Segun may be trying to make a final decision on you guys future together, so please make it worth it for him, it may all boil down to how well you react, respond to this situation.
Best of luck and God bless
welcome to the African club of inlaw issues. problems with the female relatives of your hubby to be doenst look good. matter of fact, run as fast as you can. Dont look back. he's already chosen his mom over you and it'll be like that forever. the earlier you cut your losses, the better
i've been in your shoes once upon a time. I did not win, his mama did.
But am not you and maybe this can work. If HE truely loves you then he will not let his mothers opinions have a hold on the way he feels about you.
PS
I know its hard but you have to realise that his mother and sister's attidude is not your doing. Don't let them get to you so much.
awwwww..i hate it when stuff like this happens..
if u really want to stay in the relationship, i'd advise that u find a way to learn about the culture..make a conscious effort..once they see u have genuine interest, that might win them over..
and he really shud be able to handle the situation better..its not fair on u..
good luck..
this is hard...
What kind of man is he?...is he the type that will bow out of conflict at any given chance instead of standing his ground....if he is ...my dear let it go....Trust us naija when it comes to this kind of issues...
I have experienced this first hand in my family...it almost always ends up ugly. just my 2 kobo
dis one pass me abeg. so, no comments.
on a second tot: all i know is one shouldn't take more than they can handle. if d writer feels she can handle a MIL dat thinks she's d shits, & she honestly believes she can win her over, God's speed to her. a lot of chicks have gone into relationships determined to make a success of it against all odds. unfortunately, i wasn't one of those. so, i played it safe. chosing a man i know will shield me 4rm his family.
One more thing, I just started a new blog, BAMBINA (http://idreamtofu.blogspot.com) It’s more like a baby/mom blog & I eagerly need contributors. So, if you have any story u want to share or know anyone who does, please send me a mail. Details are at d blog: Thanks a bunch.
His mother might turn around eventually and you guys can have the best MIL/DIL relationship or she will continue to dislike you and cause you problems. It's hard to tell given that it's only been one incident. But in the 2 weeks that you haven't seen each other, what reason has he given you for the absence? Please all this loving your loving Segun is he ready to go to bat for you when it comes to his family? If the answer is no, or I don't know, omo pick race! That is not a marriage situation you want to enter at all, because it's only indicative of things to come in the future.
awww...it's a tough one! and i do hope things get sorted soon!
i've seen a man stand up to his mother for his wife to be and things ended up getting sortedcos the mother didn't want to lose her son.
i don't know what segun is up to and if he will be man enough to make his mother see reason so all i can advise is wait and see how things go, when his mother leaves, if you happen not to see them again, ask him to come out and tell you bluntly if he thinks there's a future for your relationship!
If you're a praying person, please pray!
I wish you all the best!
I would say pray and if u are willing to wait for the outcome then do so. The truth is most Nigerian men despite their denial of it, more often than not listen to their mothers. If the mother does not like u trust me, the guy will most likely call it quits...the luv will thin out when push comes to shove.
Personally, I would call it quits and allow my heart to start healing now.
Well this is tough. I do not know how to start this, so I'll just go for it, please bear with me........
Maybe they do not hate you,
Maybe they are just protecting their own interest,
Maybe Segun had another life back home that he did not tell you about,
Maybe he had a girl when he was in Nigeria that he had already introduced to them and they already love but something happened,
If this is the case then my dear it is a very very stick situation as it is not about you.
I know it has already been said before but it cannot be said enough do not and I mean do not under any circumstances try to buy them things, they will take it as if you are trying to buy them over.
SO MY ADVICE IS THIS;
1. Call Segun and ask him to see you somewhere neutral. Ask him to tell you everything about his life in Nigeria.
2. Be kind to his family
3. Make sure you know all there is to know about his past relationships, because that might be the key to his mum and sisters' dislike.
4. As you said he calls you and tells you to be patient, try to be, a relationship between a child and his mother is very delicate.
5. Realise that if he is yours he will come to you in the mean time I will advise you to do a serious soul searching, go over you time together and make sure that this (a future with Segun) is what you really want.
6. Please be careful and remember that no one (word) can hurt you unless you let them.
FINALLY love yourself and believe that you are worth a great deal.
Please do pardon my gramma. so I will re-post it.
Well this is tough. I do not know how to start this, so I'll just go for it, please bear with me........
Maybe they do not hate you,
Maybe they are just protecting their own interest,
Maybe Segun had another life back home that he did not tell you about,
Maybe he had a girl when he was in Nigeria that he had already introduced to them and they already love but something happened,
If this is the case then my dear it is a very very sticky situation as it is not about you.
I know it has already been said before but it cannot be said enough do not and I mean do not under any circumstances try to buy them things, they will take it as if you are trying to buy them over.
SO MY ADVICE IS THIS;
1. Call Segun and ask him to see you somewhere neutral. Ask him to tell you everything about his life in Nigeria.
2. Be kind to his family
3. Make sure you know all there is to know about his past relationships, because that might be the key to his mum and sisters' dislike.
4. As you said he calls you and tells you to be patient, try to be, a relationship between a child and his mother is very delicate.
5. Realise that if he is yours he will come to you in the mean time I will advise you to do a serious soul searching, go over your time together and make sure that this (a future with Segun) is what you really want.
6. Please be careful and remember that no one (word) can hurt you unless you let them.
FINALLY love yourself and believe that you are worth a great deal.
Girlie,
wat are you doing, you aint worthless, this should nt be happening no matter what,
pls if you want chop frog chop big one, you have to regain your confidence girl.
The first mistake is "gifting" to win a family member over. You should always be you, and let them accept you for you. If his mom doesn't like you and I were you, I wouldn't give a flying f**k. As long as he is supportive of you, on your side, and loves you dearly. Otherwise, call it quits while you can. Some Nigerian moms always feel "entitled" when it come to their son's relationships...
Let me put it this way. My husband, my second husband, always said when a man gets married he should put his wife before everyone else in his family. And mine did.
I know you are not married, but this is a good time to see if this boyfriend really loves you. And what he does about it. He should stand up for you.
If he doesn't and you end up marrying him. You may as well get used to the fact that you will be second to the rest of his family.
From my point of view it looks bad for him to have isolated himself from you while his family is here.
And some readers at this point are probably thinking I don't understand the bonds of the Nigerian family's. Yes I do. I am Greek, and my people are just as bad with the family ties.
Perhaps that is why I married an American man the second time around. lol
A typical Nigerian Mother and Son relationship is just too difficult to understand.
I really feel u on this hun,but u know what try ur best to talk to ur guy. This is so u know u tried ur best.
Mothers have this way of making thier sons do things their way no matter if the mum is educated or not dunno how dey do it.
I have seen several comments here, and frankly they all have good points, but I think there is only one that really hits the nail on the head for our troubled girlfriend, and ironically it came from a non-nigerian.
There are a lot of preconceived notions about African-Americans, and some pple believe these notions b4 they experience it. His mother might be acting based on these notions that, you are innately disrespectful (the argument she walked in on was not a good sign); you are prone to divorce; (the rising number of divorces amongst American doesn't help this matter)...no Nigerian parent wants to see their child ever get divorced. Also that you do not hold the same values of family that she expects (statistically so, American tend be more individually focused, tho the regard for family is still there...the Nigerian tightly weaves the 2 together, "I am because We are"...it is why a Nigerian man wud find it difficult to defy his family when it comes to marriage, and if he does, he must be sure he has a perfect plan to heal d wounds of his actions.
She might also believe that you wud not want to relocate to Nigeria if that time comes. She might believe you don't know how to cook her son's favorite homemade meals. These are just some of the preconceived notions about African-Americans that might be causing his mother to feel hostile towards you, even tho none of these notions are necessarily true.
Segun has not handled the situation properly by hiding you for 2 weeks, because those were 2 weeks that you could have used to correct her misconceptions. I would suggest you talk to Segun and tell him you want to see him and his mum in efforts to make things right. If he agrees, when u see his mum, I wud suggest you apologize for the argument she worked in on, and let her know u did not mean to be disrespectful in anyway. This is not the time to show/tell her about ur own culture, that wud come later, u need to ask to hear her stories, let her tell u culture stories, and u have to do is listen, mothers like when a child listens even if it is not their child. It also makes her see that u are genuinely interested in his culture, so she feels safe that u r not trying to uproot him from his culture. Ask Segun for his favorite Nigerian recipe, and then politely ask her to teach you, tell her Segun told you that was his favorite meal and you have been looking for some1 to teach you so you could take him back to Nigeria even if it is thru one plate of [watever the dish is], and there is no better person to learn from than the woman who made that meal for him growing up. Talk about Segun's favorite things that connect with Nigeria, like soccer (football)...she needs to know you know her son.
She might be stoic, but Im sure she wud begin to loosen up. His sister wud follow suit. You have to warm up to her too tho, but not by buying fancy gifts. Not yet.
If she starts to loosen up, gradually show that you are family oriented, show that you are still connected to your own family, either by calling mum or dad or checking up on ur lil'bro/sis anything to show that an African-American family stays together after years of marriage.
Lastly, don't be too clingy to Segun, you don't want mother or sister to feel like you are trying to steal him away from them...Engage in conversation even when he is not there...make them feel you are comfortable talking to them in his absence..
My warning however, is not to make any of these suggestions come off as fake and pretentious...u have to believe it and live it
These are my basic suggestions, but please remember to be watchful and pray.
ciao
....H2O
She should try and be patient with them & continue being nice to them, i'm sure after a while, they will come around.
Personally, i think, beyond what mom or sis feels, the onus is on Segun to let to let you know where you stand.
Yes, Nigerians are strong on family, but I've seen guys hold their own even when the family had reservations, especially when the family's reasons are fickle
Everyone has pretty much said all there is to say. I must add that you should be prepared for the best or the worst. PRAY! Who knows? this is probably a time for you to reflect to really know what you want. If he's yours trust me he'll do what is right and you wouldn't have to worry about anything.
I wish you the best!
WOAH!
H2O is the boom jiggy.
He is too right.....
ouch. This is a problem. Nigerian men are raised to respect their mothers even under the pain of death so if it's going to be her versus his mother all I have to say is 'Good luck'.
Let's just hope he loves her enough to keep her in spite of his mother's obvious distaste.
man. in laws in any culture are a problem. i say chuck him for a dude with nicer in laws...
they probably dont like that u call him GUN
and yea if i was his sister i would think you were tryna buy me off. my little sisters bf is a boy i dont like . he bought me a xmas present and i chucked it in the bin. had a big fight with my parents cuz i felt he was tryna buy me off
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