Today's installment presents another sensitive issue and as such, I will be monitoring the comments to ensure that they remain respectful. That being said, if you leave a comment that is very rude, or obscene, I will be forced to remove it. So, if you notice your comment has been deleted, I apologize in advance, but I have to ensure that TTTEC remains a forum for serious conversation without the fear of insults or disrespect.
Thanks everyone.
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Dear SSD:
My twin sister and I are best friends and I love her dearly. She got married just over a year ago and just had a beautiful little girl. Her husband works in medical sales and travels extensively around the country, but his job allows my sister to be a stay at home mommy and they have a happy marriage.
Unfortunately, my sister told me something that has left me sleepless and extremely concerned.
Her marriage is relatively brand new but during a recent disagreement, her husband confessed that he has slept with over 20 prostitutes since they got married.
The minute I heard this, I drove to my sister's house, over 1 hour away, and stayed with her. The next morning, I took her to get tested and the initial results were negative, thank God. Their daughter is also negative for any dangerous diseases, but my sister must be retested for a little while longer to ensure that she has no HIV.
I tried to get my sister to come stay with me for a while, but she refused. She said that she wanted to work on things with her husband, who at the time was away on business. So, she was going to wait for him to come home. Try as I may to get her to leave, even just to get some time for herself, she refused. She told me that despite the pain she feels, she would go through this experience again if it meant an opportunity to bring her husband closer to Christ. I was astonished when I heard this. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, but considering the health risk her husband has put her and my niece through, I cannot understand what she is thinking. She has discouraged me from telling my parents about this situation, probably because she knows that my parents will wrestle her and my niece out of the house.
I am so confused on what to do. Am I helping her by not telling our parents? They know something is wrong and my mother is very good at getting information out of me. Am I being a good sister by watching her stay with a man who has disrespected his vows in the most degrading and dangerous way? I need to know that I am doing the right thing. I know I could never stay with a man that did this to me and I wish my sister would realize that staying with him will only encourage him to continue his behavior. What do I do?
49 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
first pple
for now, she should not have any sexual contact with her husband. the fact that the husband opened up to her shows his sense of remorse for his immoral deeds. she should not leave the house. else, she wud lose the marital connection.
she has a right 2 4give if she wnts 2 but she must stat condomising.lol.
This is tough...
in the 1st instance her sister should only have protected sex with her husband using a condom.
20 prostitutes in around a year is a lot. An assumption on my part but Does that mean on every business trip away he shacks up with one?
Something is very very wrong somewhere.
I'm not sure telling the folks is going to resolve anything... at this stage in time
I am surprised that the wife does not want to leave even if it's just a time-out...such actions as his should come with consequences but I commend her resolve to bring him closer to Christ. Frankly speaking I'm not sure she can do this alone especially with a small daughter to look after
I assume that apart from this major indiscretion he is good at his other husbandry duties as well as being a good father. If not then maybe she should leave him for a while
Whatever the case, they need professional help to get to the root of his actions.
Have they tried marriage counselling? I know he travels a lot but if this marriage means something to him he will go.
Once they have figured out what the problem is they can also starting going to their pastor/priest for guidance (but they shouldn't stop the marriage counselling)
To the twin sister seeking help, just be your sister's support through this...just like u supported her and her daughter thru the HIV test... she will need you more than either of you can imagine.
...just to say that I hold your twin sister in high esteem for the decision she took..Cause honestly such news is potent enough to knock anyone down and out, it's hard enough to forgive such a thing not to talk about staying..wow..
But God will bless her decision. I don't think you should interfere, as hard as it is, she being your sister and all..remember the day she said "I do" marked the beginning of a new life and whatever happens in her home is her choice. Pray for her, that's the best you can do for her and her family. God bless you and give you and her the grace to make the right decision!
Hello,
This is a thorny one between the morals and the needs.
From a clinical perspective, even prostitutes generally insist on protection, just as hopefully, the husband should have protection when having sex outside the marriage.
However, it is precautionary to make the checks that were made for STIs and HIV.
The deeper problem is sexual cravings and satisfaction, that is what needs to be worked on and it would be difficult.
What does the husband need for sex and sexual fantasies that he cannot work out with the one he loves at home and come to some compromise?
That is where the issue is, regardless of the hold of religion and the religious slant the lady has taken - if a man cannot find or create the right kind of sexual satisfaction and fantasy at home, he would go out to seek it.
Basically, sex in a marriage cannot be perfunctory, toys and all sorts of paraphernalia need to feature to keep it better at home before the partners begin to seek thrills outdoors.
Indeed, the husband is wrong but sexual cravings can have a greater hold than vows - and that is just REAL life, unfortunately.
Regards,
Akin
I really cant say much cuz marriage is a strong bond which i dont fully understand. I commend ur twin sister for being strong and wanting to work things out. First of all, she needs to either stop having sex with the man, or use a condom.
2. how did she find out? did he tell her? if yes, did he promise to stop? or he just told her for nothing?
If he's repentant and willing to change, maybe things can be salvaged. He obviously has a serious problem which needs to be dealt with
If possible, he can get a job that does not involve less travel. but that may be difficult in this economic times
All in all, counselling always helps, but the question is, is he willing to change?
As for you, try not to tell your mum if thats ur sister's wish and pray for her. she needs you at this time more than ever before.
Finally, make sure she understands that her health and her baby's is the most important right now, even more than the marriage may i say, cuz if anything happens, God forbid, the guy will definitely move on
please let your parents know of this asap
If u want ur sis to live to take care of her child
Dunno what country u r in but in lagos so many women are dying of stds their 'life' partners gave them
Pls get some outside help
And pray for Gods intervention because this one pass me oh
SSD! How r ya?
Well, since d writer is d sister of d cheated wife,i'd say all she can do now is pray. Basically a marriage isn't something u force someone out of, no matter how justified u feel ur reasons r. D wife will simply continue sneaking off 2 see her husband. So wot have u achieved? It's really all up 2 d wife 2 decide wot cause of action she considers best, factoring in all she holds dear. In dis case, she writer disagrees, which is understandable. Still, she shouldn't involve their parents, not yet at least. Is not everything i learn abt my siblings dat i tell my mom, knowing what their reactions will be. I believe wot d writer shld do now is try 2 understand wit her sister & be a moral support 2 her. People who aren't married honestly don't grasps how hard it can be 2 walk away 4rm it. Therefore,they may need 2 b patient wit a wife dat isn't grabbing her bags d min d husband overly messes up.
I agree with Funms, Shubby Doo and Akin.
You need to make sure she keeps her and her child's health as the absolute number one priority. Secondly, i would say, Do not tell your parents. It's not going to do any good at this point. And whether we like it or not, it is SHE that has to make the decision whether to leave or not. If she's not ready, she's not and the best thing you can do for her is to pray for her and be there for her as her sister. She will need you.
If he has other good qualities, there is always hope as long as he is willing to be extremely honest with himself before anyone, and do whatever it takes to change what need to be changed. She needs to let him know that. If it were me I'd warn him that I am NOT going to stay around forever if he continues to mess up.
I pray for you and her. Good luck.
yea i agree with Shubby's xtensive commnet on this one - the root of the problem is somewhere and they have to figure it out. I commend her for wanting to stay to make her marriage work out as she needs to get to the bottom of this.
Wow...
First i admire your sister's commitment to her marriage and will to go on with it. She did sign the contract and to me she's taking her marriage vows seriously. I commend her.
Don't involve your parents, your sister has trusted you enough to share this with you, be there for her, but don't betray her trust. Just love and care for her.
Lastly, advise your sister to keep off sexual relations without protection with her husband for now while they work through their issues.
I do pray that God will see them through and bring them out on the other side!
Communication and getting to the root of the problem...marriage counsellor i suggest for the couple. For the twin, she needs to pray with her sis, and be there for her.
Can't say much as its been said already...
p.s
sex can be a sort of addiction to some so ONLY if the marriage counsellor suggests it, he should also see a sex therapist on his own (assuming they live in USA or somewhere similar)…please please please just advise your twin sister to only agree this if the therapist is a man…
The only reason I think she might need to leave is for space to clear her head and not necessarily to her sister's house because there are already so many bad feelings on that side which might be detrimental for any reconciliation possible.
What her husband did was very horrible and I don't expect her to be able to sleep with him until the trust issues are resolved (so comments about condoms and what not would not apply).
Marriage needs work to make it work, no matter how much her family cares about her, at the end of the day its her, her kids and husband that will be the most affected so she needs to be careful and sometime to reflect and serious working this out with her husband.
I agree totally with Akin and funms...they need counselling in order to get their sex life on track..otherwise the guy will continue to creep... And sooner than later, he will begin to bring them home and the trauma sets in...
And pls, don't tell your folks yet.
SSD...whats up? Person neva see ur brake lights...
i don't think you should tell your parent. she sees you like someone she can count on. Maybe your sister and her husband should try counselling and prayers
i wish them the best of luck
I don't have an answer. Everyone (or maybe not everyone) has done illogical things in the name of love. I can only wish her the best in life and be thankful she has no health issues. Just be there for her all you can.
Jesus Christ! Over 20 Prostitutes? And she is staying? I cannot respect that decision. I just can't. I think that level of infidelity is akin to (and possibly worse than) beating. Because he is putting her LIFE at risk, just like physical abuse does. Other than him begging forgiveness and agreeing to counseling and making some very MAJOR life changes (like changing jobs to a local one so he has no business sleeping anywhere else), she needs to get out. You can't lead someone to Christ after you have died of AIDS. Her husband is no longer her first priority. Her child is. I think the Twin is fine with respecting her sisters right to privacy, but she needs to tell her sister unequivocally that she needs to protect her daughter and get out.
the condom offers less than 100% protection..but she can make do with that...i think its cos he travels alot..and if this is the case..she needs more than prayer..it might not be easy but he should get a no-traveling job in town..so he can stay with his family..and she needs the guys cooperation to get them out of this...and when it is clear he is not willing to cooperate..then she can find her way out..
kai...this is sad o...eledumare! (God!)
My heart goes out to your sister...and i am actually angry on your behalf and for her.
hmm i think her husband needs help...at least he has confessed abi...me i will advice your sister not to sleep with her husband till she is sure he has stopped..i wont advice using a condom cuz it is not 100% safe as we all know..and he needs to get tested as well
if he is willing to get professional help for his addiction then there is still hope..BUT if not ..me i wont advice her to stay o..am sorry...if u allow one man to mess u up and u die..a thousand men will strampled on ur grave
i dont think u shld tell your parents just yet....nothing is beyond prayers..
ok i think I am rambling so will stop now...
Madam SSD- i no see anything relating to Porn in this matter ..abi is there more to the story?
I'm not married and I don't know what goes on in the minds of married peeps, but I know that when two people are married, the bond they have is very deep and often times goes beyond excessive cheating and sex addictism. The hubby is obviously a sex addict and I suggest they go to therapy as soon as possible if they want to try to save the marriage. The guy took a huge step by fessing this up and the wife took an even bigger step by staying and I applaud them both. As for the sister, she needs to just be there for her sister. I know it's extremely hard to just sit there and watch your sister hurt like that, but there really isn't anything she can do but give her sister her unconditional support.
wooooooooooowwww, OVER 20 prostitutes in a little over a year??? am sorry but wat would happen in year 5 or 10 of the marriage?
For how long would she use condoms for? she has only one child and probably wants more. If she puts off sex with him, he would probably go back to the prostitutes.
Na wah o, i don't even know wat to say except Pray and listen out for God.
Wish i had the words that could heal your aching heart or hers. am surprised, really. but i know she has a point. he confessed and by doing that, he lost the respect and trust she has for him. but i must say i agree with your sister. he's taken a step in the right direction by confessing. its a sign that her prayers are working. but the bible also says the only grounds for divorce is infidelity. and by doing what he's done, hes commited more than infidelity. Still, I beleive she needs to wait on the lord for a while. seek counseling and honestly make a decison only after taking hers and her child's future into consideration, not forgeting about happiness and fulfilment in marraige.she has to do this and on her own. the best you can do for her now is pray.
As ridiculous as it may seem, I do believe ur sister should remain with her husband to try and work things out...they should pray, as well as seek counselling; both spiritual (i.e. from a Pastor) and professional (e.g. a marriage counsellor or psycho-somebody)...
She also needs to ask herself some questions; could it be that she denies her husband sex, or doesn't give him enough of it/the way he likes it, which then makes him seek to fulfill his desires elsewhere? If this is the case, they need to do some heart-to-heart talk and ask each other "what, how, why, when" questions relating to sex/love-making...the husband should also show/teach (during practical sessions)her what he wants done during love-making sessions...
For now, and until trust is fully re-instated into their relationship, I'd advise she protects herself during sex, to prevent any stds...
I understand ur need to tell ur parents, but I honestly don't see how bringing them in now would help...they have become one now and ur parents should stay out of their affairs unless absolutely necessary...give them some time...if they don't seem to be working through it on their own, then, u can involve ur parents...
All the best.
Travelling a lot in my opinion is not an excuse for a man to sleep with over 20 prostitutes within the span of one year.
I am wondering if your twin forced this confession out of him or he confessed out of a guilty concience. If the latter, then he is remorse about his action and needs help. I don't think that is an ordinary habit. Most have been going on for years. The right direction would be counselling/therapy...and as someone already mentioned, make sure the therapist is NOT female.
I admire your sister's courage. Stand by her and make her constantly insist on her hubby using condoms when they want to get intimate. By the time she makes him do that like three or four times, he'll understand.
Telling your parents as most of us here have rightly pointed out would not be necessary. It will just put more pressure on your twin.
Take care ok!
* Solomonsydelle, how are you and the crew doing?
im not married so i can't tell her to ditch her hubby even tho the bible says if a spouse is not faithful it is grounds for divorce
i worry about her health and potential STDs
if she can find a way to protect herself 100percent then i guess her being there is not physically endangering her or her child
but if she persists in sleeping with him with or without no protection then please TELL YOUR PARENTS i really think her life and her being a mother is her primary place in life right now
I pray she doesn't have any STD's.
They both need to let their parents know about this and also seek con selling of some type. They both need help and prayers to make it. This is such a difficult place to find yourself.
What ever you or anyone else thinks she should do, the bottom line is, she'd still do what she wants to cos she's grown enough to make her own decisions, but like most people have said, she should take all necessary precautions to keep herself and her kid healthy.
I also agree with them both getting professional help and dealing with the issue from the root, what exactly is his reasons for his actions, though not justified, if it has to do with him not being satisfied at home, then they need to resolve that and also work on their communication level.
I think that this woman should refrain from telling their parents for now while her sister is getting her head together. Obviously at some point if there is no resolution, i would think that she has to step up and say something. She will be very regretful if the situation degenerates or if the sister should catch an STD and she feels that she didn't do everything within her power to avoid it.
In the meantime, she should keep talking to her sister and be there to support her. I think she needs to press home the point that her sister's capacity to save this marriage is limited. A lot depends on the husband's willingness and ability to handle his problem. She should think about that before breaking her back over something that is to a large extent out of her control. I think the lady needs to distinguish between the breakdown of their relationship and the guy's sex issue. My advice would be for her to see if their relationship can be restored but she should be prepared to walk away if it can't.
Also as others have pointed out, no unprotected sex with the husband. The risk is massively high just from the sheer number of partners involved here. In any case, I can't imagine with the betrayal that she'll be happily jumping into bed with him.
As an aside i am bothered by some suggestions that the man's behaviour may have something to do with her as though if she had been better he would not have cheated on her. That's just blaming the victim and i hope that's not what those commenters meant. It seems to me that he may be a sex addict or someone that enjoys risky behaviour. Maybe he has some emotional hurt that he is trying to soothe with sex. Whichever one it is, he is the one with the problem of incontinence and he needs professional help to sort it out.
she has done the initial important step, which is getting tested for HIV and other STIs.
for the sister, inasmuch as u might like to help, there is only so much u can do. even though she's ur sister, u cant force her out of her marriage in a bid to help her.
now that she has chosen to stay with her husband, i dont think she should stay for staying sake since that wont achieve anything.
they should try to get to the root of the prob. cos if someone is cheating with prostitutes about 20 of them in a year, then Houston, we've got a problem.
They can try as a unit (her sister and her husband) to get the man some help: counseling or any type of help to get to the root of the matter.
SSD: false advertisement! i see no relation to porn on this post o! and u have a question to answer on my blog!
I do salute ur sister's courage to stay on and fight for her marriage. I am a xtian but am not so sure i would do the same without freaking out and doing some damage first,thats really commendable.
one important fact we cannot overlook is that he did own up, if he hadnt, she probably wouldnt have known. i think that's reason enough to stay and work things out. leaving will create lots of problems.
i am not married but i do know that all marriages have their own special challenges, this is urs, pray hard and work hard to make it successful, there is nothing too bad to fix, not even this case.
as a sister, u've done the best u should, with the medical test and shoulder to cry on. but u gotta draw the line, dont tell the parents if she doesnt want to. just let her make her decisions, she obbiously still believes in the marriage.
all the best.
For the unmarried twin sister...it is easier said than done. I have never been married but i believe Divorce shouldnt be the first thing on your mind especially if you are a xtian... If the man cannot clean up his acts while u are there...what are the odds he will do so in your absence. So I am totally with your sister in trying to stay, but she shouldnt do so at the risk of her health. They both should abstain from sex if possible. The first step to recovery for anyone with a problem is admitting you have a problem and he has done so, it wasn't like she caught him in the act..cos he coulda continued with that lifestyle with her knowing anything. I think this issue should be between them...I dont know if i believe in marriage counselling but....they can seek help if need be. After all has been done and still no change..then she can do wateva she wants about the marriage..pray for your sister aswell..cos she will need a lot of strength....she might be staying so that in the future, there wont be any coulda-shoulda-woulda regrets. I really wish your sister the best. hopefully u can help babysit the daughter sometimes while they try to rekindle their love..if he is willing aswell..cos 1 person cannot work towards a goal where 2 are involved.
It is not her place to her parents in this situation. She has to remain supportive of her sister until hopefully she sees the light.
The sister should under no circumstances have unprotected sex with her husband, until she can be sure she's not going to catch her death from him. There are way too many people living with HIV these days and u can't tell by looking at them.
It's going to be tough. I wonder if this is what christian is about.
WWJD?
My first reaction is OMG! I salute her courage, bt the sister should take things sow and take pragmatic decisions. There is only so much you can do for her.
You can lead a horse t the stream but you can't force it to drink water. Thay should both seek a marriage counsellor. She should not loose sight of the fact that she has a baby and exposing herself to avoidable risks is pardon my language foolish.
Simply leaving without sorting out issues with the husband is not an option. I hope things work out for the best. Goodluck.
This is sad but i totally admire your sister's courage.I think you should leave your folks out of it and just try to be there for her.There must be a way out somehow...Her strenght and Courage will pay off cos its very rare.Pray dear,just continue to pray for her!
this thing said Porn SSD, you come give me leg over like that ehn? lol
Anyways, The test was rightly the first and most important thing. I understand that the wife wants to stay and work things out. She needs to do that before she decides whether to stay or leave. If the husband remains the same, then the ball will proper be in her court in terms of deciding whether to stay or leave. The sister can only support...she needs that now more than ever.
they need counselling
he cheated on her...........but with prostitutes...........
big issues!!!!!!
I can't just say 'up and leave' cos the love that Chirst has for the church is the one that we're supposed to emulate in marriages. Imagine what we would be if He disappeared each time we did even worse things to him.
Forget unprotected sex, don't do it at all. Condoms break. I know some people would say he would continue soliciting prostitutes if she depreives him, but a husband who wants to show remorse, would have to deal with that, and do everything in his power to prove to his wife that he's truly sorry.
I pray that God gives your sister the strength to work through this. Marriages do get healed - Dabizniz has a testimony.
Need counseling...nuff said.
First and foremost the couple have to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion (not just an admission made in the heat of an argument).
The outcome of that initial discussion will be a pointer on what to do next.
Firstly, I think the guy was grossly exaggerating when he said 20. He was probably upset and wanted to say something terrible. Still does not exonerate him though.
Secondly, twin sister or not, and difficulty it may be, stay out of your sister's marriage. Let her work it out herself. You can advice, but thats it. Do not interfere.
Thirdly, guys do tend to have a lot of skeletons in the drawers. I'd like to believe women do too. This can be worked out.
I was looking for porn like the subject of this post indicated but couldnt find it. Wrong subject? or just to catch our attention?
If she contacts HIV now, all these people wey dey talk about marraige vows, na dem go dey there to look after her? No. It is you and your family that will have to run around from hospital to hospital, draining your resources on expensive drugs that in the end will still not help her.
You know what the right thing is. Do it.
Prevention is better than cure(in this case, there is no cure)
Again, I am always amazed by how far women are willing to go for the sake of marraige.
God help us all.
If na me sha, God know say na prison I for dey, cos i for don cut that man penis long time ago!
I give you permission to delete this comment. The truth is always hard to swallow.
@ Waffarian: Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one whose heart was sinking as I read what most people have to say about this issue.
I believe that there are 2 reasons to leave a marriage.
1). Complete Incompatible: Only complete ignoramus (YES, I SAID IT)people will enter marriage without realizing how compatible they are. And spousal abuse falls in here.
2). Cheating: Christians should really go and read their bible cos we are very miseducated. (in short I am going to write something called the Miseducation of Christian Women cos Lord knows we need am)
from Malachi 2:16a: “I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.” According to the Bible, God’s plan is that marriage be a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).
Read also Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (but keep in mind this is the old testament), and in the new testament (Matthew 19:8) Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire.
Read also Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase “except for marital unfaithfulness” is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives God’s permission for divorce and remarriage.
Jesus is possibly saying that divorce is permissible if sexual immorality is committed. Sexual relations is such an integral part of the marital bond “the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). Therefore, a breaking of that bond by sexual relations outside of marriage might be a permissible reason for divorce.
Read also 1 Corinthians 7:15 as another “exception,” allowing remarriage if an unbelieving spouse divorces a believer.
To each their own but me .... forget about it. My life and the LIFE OF MY CHILD is so PRICELESS that only Jesus himself, coming down from Heaven, will make that boy who calls himself a man, husband, and father find me in that house upon his return from his business trip.
i dunno what advice to give here cos whatever i say will be biased..i WILL NOT stay with a man who does that to me..
im sorry ur sister is going through this..i dont think its ur place to tell ur parents tho..its her life after all..i can imagine how its eating u up tho, being her sister and most especially her twin..
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