Hey Easier Crew, how una dey? Today's installment raises some serious questions that either we or someone we know has had to deal with. Also, some of the issues related to his installment are of a controversial nature. So, I must implore everyone to be respectful of each other's opinion and of course, respect the reader who sent this in. It took guts to share this with us.
Okay, let's get right into it.
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I met my wife at a function during a Christmas visit to Lagos and fell in love with her immediately. She was quiet and reserved but extremely beautiful and warm. Within 8 months, my family and I 'knocked'* and were well received by her family. 6 months after that, we were married, she moved out here (the U.K.) to be with me and we have remained faithfully married for the past 13 months.
When I met my wife, she told me she was a born again and a virgin, saving herself for marriage. I accepted this and because of my love for her, I went without sex for more than a year. She has always been 'shy' about sex and I accepted that, but I thought that once we were married, she would open up to it and no longer consider it something dirty.
Unfortunately, after 13 months of marriage, I can count how many times we have had sex. Each time we 'do it', she just lies there, with no interest in it and that also makes me disinterested. I had a very satisfactory sex life before I met my wife and I think about it daily.
I have tried to talk to her to encourage her, but she always lets me know that she finds it ungodly to do more than lay there, even if I am her husband. There are things I expect from her sexually that she believes are disgusting and revolting. How am I supposed to stay married to a sexually frigid woman? I need advice on what I can do to help my wife realize that sex, in all its forms, is beautiful, especially with her husband. I love my wife very much, but I cannot completely give up on the sex life I expected to have once married. What do I do?
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Easier Crew, just in case you were wondering, I already recommended that he and his wife find a sex therapist and/or marriage counselor, but Michael's (not his real name) wife refuses. And, they do not yet have children.
Okay, please offer as much advice as possible. Thanks.
64 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
First!!!
wow well this is way over my head so i'll pass on this one
HELLO AUNTY!!!!!!!!!!!
I can not even say i know what to do. good luck o Michels.
Hmmm...Madam, this one hard oh...
I will also pass....
Aaah Ha...So I'm not the only one passing on this.
Hmmm..Does he know anybody that she looks up to, or respects the person's opinion?
He should try talking to that person/ her pastor, so whoever it is will break it down to her.
I just think her mindset on Sex should be reset.
Hmmm!
This is difficult one but one that needs a modicum of re-education.
The context is held in the place where he reveals that she is a born-again lady and a virgin.
My concern is our sexual education is not necessarily about its uses and its pleasures but the instilling fear, loathing and dirtiness to the activity.
The many girls who have been scared to death by parents threatening murder if she returns home pregnant, the churches that are consumed with the negatives of fornication and adultery rather than purity of mind and the love elements of the presentation of our bodies to our partners.
It leaves people as damaged goods sexually and the result is a marriage where the pleasures of consummation are lost.
Indeed some counselling is required, I doubt of the secular kind would work in the first place - this might well be approached through the church where some enlightened and emancipated person about these intimate issues can hopefully begin the repairs.
Someone has to find a way of creating the Aha! moment for the lady, that sex should be pleasureable, fun and is a core expression of love and affection.
It is by no means, dirty, evil, sinful or revolting in the right settings.
I hope it does work out well.
Regards,
Akin
Why is everyone passing on this issue, it was brought here for us "dissect" so to speak...anyways let me take first dibs...
Though Michael says he has tried talking with his wife, he must also consider d approach, I don't think a persuasive approach wud suffice, he shud hear her out on why she thinks she shud not get involved. She wud probably cite religious teachings, let her talk, then remind her that nowhere does Biblical teaching say just lie there and let him work. If anything I believe there is a place in d Bible that says, cling to ur husband...I took d liberty to look up cling in the dictionary...it reads "...to hold or hold on tightly or tenaciously" Clinging incites and is incited by passion. In actuality, aside from the occasional hugs, it is in sex that one gets to "cling" to their husbands/wives. If she can get clinging to him during sex, she wud gradually loosen up and start to feel and let those feelings show. He just has to be patient. She is definitely too conservative for a sex therapist so rule that option out. Hopefully she comes around soonest because if he is thinking about his past experience which were more fun, that is not a good look cos a lil shove from any of those ladies and he wud break like ice.
This is the kind of problem we run into when the church demonizes sex. Sex is painted so bad by a lot of preachers that pple find it hard to move past that idea of "sex = sinful".
Hopefully everything works well for him.
I was very rigid about sex before, but my husband was very encouraging.
I suggest you get your wife a book on sex, from a christian point of view. theres intended for pleasure which I read b4 I got married, cant really remember the others (check amazon).
you cant relent, you have to keep encouraging wifey & let her know sex is a very beautiful thing. Remember that initially sex is kinda painful for the woman, so maybe she hasnt started enjoying it yet.
Hopefully ones she starts enjoying it, she'll come around.
If you will have any1 talk to her, it has to be someone she looks up to.
I don't agree with the opinion that church demonizes sex. When in the context of marriage church, at least my church encourages it in abundance so lets get that clear. I don't know which church H2O-Works goes to.
Anyway they both need to see a proper christian counsellor to let the wife know that sex is not just for procreation alone but an expression of love in the marriage context
sex therapist.she refuses. maybe explain and persuade her.if she refuses.maybe books will help her.but she it doesn't even sound like she wants help.but her husband praying about it wont be bad at all.
Hello,
I just started reading your blog and i have to say that I find it very informative and entertaining. There is also the fact that the issues that are discussed here are very thought provoking. The issue brought today about this lady and her husband is one that I find find very interesting and sadly very prevalent in the church circles.
With all that said, I come form a Christian background. I was raised in the church and in my case the Church demonized sex. Sex was made to seem as something that was dirty and something that only "loose" and "bad" girls do. Till today I can say that my mother has not had the "sex talk" with me and I am 21 yrs old. but she asks me all the time if I have a boyfriend but never asks if I do anything with him. (I think she believes ignorance is bliss. LOL)
Girls are especially made to feel bad and dirty for saying they enjoy sex. It goes back years and became stronger during the Victorian Era. It is made to seem that a girl who likes sex would be lacking morally and would not be fit for polite company.
A friend of mine made a comment that Nigerian girls are either intensely prudish or closet whores. Simply because our society and religion makes us feel like we should not be doing that (sex).
Something I would recommend for this man is that he look for a close friend of his wife who is married and religious but also shows signs that she is happy with her sexual life in her marriage with her husband. you might ask how would he know but let me tell you all men know. He has to be polite to this woman and explain what is going on, give her hints and tell her to bring up things of a sexual nature randomly to her friend. That she should try to make her understand that it is not disgusting, not revolting but very wonderful, pleasing and joyous with someone who love(and also there is no residual guilt attached to it as it is with fornicating).
This way his wife would have someone to talk to about what she feels if she is to shy to see a sex therapist (you know Naija ppl would say that it is only a person that is rotten in the mind and dirty that would pick a job like that).
He should also ease her slowly into it. I realize it can be very frustrating for a man who has had a very active and satisfying sex life to all of a sudden be having a horrible one with the woman he loves. But he should be a little more patient with her.A lot of men would have given up and had extra martial relationships by now but the fact that he has not shows that he does really love her and wants their marriage to work.
I hope this is good advice and I would come back if I remember anything more I want to add.
P.s: I want to ask if his wife is comfortable with her nudity and her sexuality. Is she free with him when she is in the nude or does she hide her body. This are very important questions because she might also be ashamed of her nudity. I know ppl who do not look at themselves in the nude.
they definitely need counseling,sex within the confines of marriage is definitely Godly and Holy, pleasureable and definitely God's idea.
she is MARRIED
i care not what he expects of her
SHE IS MARRIED-the pussy half belongs to the guy
IF SHE WONT SEE A COUNSELLOR OR A SEX THERAPIST-SHE SHOULD GO BACK TO HER FATHER'S HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I echo Oluwadee's and Dabiniz's sentiments. I think a lot of patience and love will be required at this time. I don't know how the issue has been approached prior to this but I think the counselling should come from the church or an older married woman whom he knows his wife trusts. I think this issue echoes the need for pre-marital counselling as this is one of the important topics usually covered. I think he should get the book recommended by Oluwadee, she might not read it immeadiately but he should keep praying and I'm sure with time as she realises the importance of this area of their marriage is I'm sure she'll come round. When someone is afraid of something, it's usually knowledge and not force that enables them to overcome it.
"There is nothing ungodly about you having sex with your husband and doing all the acrobatic techniques, (points to his wife) this is my wife whom I am well pleased I can wake her up any time to have all tantalizing fun with her, so even if the devil is bringing temptation all I have to do is think about my beautiful wife at home" says my pastor and the whole church burst out laughing.
It was so funny when he preached about sex in church. That was a side of my pastor I have never seen. I could not believe he was talking about sex in church, seeing this topic I now see it was necessary to talk about it in church. If she is christian, I will recommend talking to a christian mentor she looks up to. You have to realize she might not physically be a virgin, but she is still a virgin in the "art" of love making. Anybody can have sex, not everybody can make love. All she needs is help, and by the way you don't need her yea or nay before you talk to someone that can help her.
I will start with a christian mentor, if that doesn't work go to her mother, if that doesn't work go to her father, if that sill doesn't work... Kneel down and start praying. LOL.
To people saying church demonizes Sex, please check the type of church you're going to. If you refer to not having sex prior to marriage,then absolutely. It is not the church that says its a sin, it's the bible.
However, once you're married atleast in my church, you're free to do all acrobatic techniques you want to do.
@ Yetunde: Just chatted with 'Michael' and he informs me that, you are right, she is indeed not comfortable with her nudity. Will stop by your blog to let you know so if you have additional tips, you can share.
@ everyone: 'Michael' is extremely relieved that you are sharing your suggestions and he believes he has a lot to think about. However, his wife has had trouble making friends since she moved to the U.K. to be with him, so he isn't sure which 'friend' he should talk to.
Okay, I typically stay out of the comment box during TTTEC days, so off I go
Hello again,
Maybe we are all caught up on the counseling/sex aspects, something else might help.
In the case of making new friends they might have to get out and do some fun things - look for a childish activity, maybe Alton Towers and get on some wild ride.
Go to some National Trust place like Churchill's home, Clivedon Place, walk the gardens holding hands, do romantic dinners.
Take her to Paris for a long weekend, do the Eiffel Tower and splash out on some serious Victoria's Secrets paraphernalia. (You know what I mean)
Have fun together on other things and begin to see the flower blossom and break down other barriers.
On reflection, I think this must be a husband-wife dynamic where like in Ephesians 5 the husband plays the Christ-figure whilst the wife as the Church-figure is being built up to perfection.
Regards,
Akin
http://writefreak.blogspot.com/
Solo, i like this blog and thanks for stopping by at my blog. Obviously in the name of marrying someone 'pure' Michael overlooked the aspect of sex. He should have spoken to her before getting married. His love was obviously blind and he is now reaping the consequences. For folks out there- shine ur eyes well well o!!!
Shame she's frigid- i really can't think of what advice one can give such a couple. Even sexually crazed girls lose interest in sex after having kids- now talk less of a babe who sees sex as sin. Just a darn shame.
Asper her not being comfortable with her nudity- over 90% of babes arent. Who wants to be strotting their cellulites, flabby stomachs or droopy breasts around? So thats no excuse.
His wife's behaviour is not unheard of. There seems to be a handful of misinformed individuals in the church. There's a need to emphasize the beauty of marital sex. Turns out a lot of people have not explored the contents of the songs of solomon!
Her being uncomfortable with her nudity is an issue they need to work through together. Infact i think the quicker the get past the 'nudity shame' the more likely she is to loosen up in bed.
I suggest counselling, some men and women of God specialise in this area. There's a lot of christian literature on these issues.
Also since she just moved to the area, he should make a conscious effort to help her make friends by introducing her to his friends wives and so on...
ef babe
My fellow bloggers have done well. I would have suggested the therapy session but she has refused. Patience is key in this situation. he should make her see that they are MARRIED, not that they would be fornicating if she opens up to more adventurous sex. good luck to him
Hi Michael
Ok..this is my 2 cents.
Maybe your wife being a virgin until she got married is the root of this...it may all come down to inexperience and lack of exposure to her own sexuality. African society does not condone let alone encourage sex. She may have beliefs set in that is holding her back. Yes, religion will have contributed to this but what your wife needs is for you to talk to her again and again, tell her the way this is affecting you. She almost in effect need to be re-educated.
If a conventional sex therapist is not to her taste then get a non-conventional one. One with religious backgrond, hell..see a priest if you have to...she may be more comfortable on this level.
Also try and integrate her with your friends wives for example, she probably need a female shoulder to lean on. Women are complex creatures
I hope you find a way out of this.
hmmm!! dis one pass Lg o' make i read comments sha
You gat no problems...we vote for you Solomonsydelle for all 5 awards! :-)
AS for MIcheals...a lot of people have said a lot, wifey needs to be encouraged...and I belive she will come around with time, I put in to consideration that she has some past or background, and it is difficult to break out of. Can't say much
hmm theres really not much to add..... He should get her Christian literatures on sex.... hiow comfy is he with his inlaws? maybe try talking to his miother in law, that may help. Hopefully his wife sees the light in going to a sex therapist. Sexis to be enjoyed by all in marriage
Michael's wife may be going through one or all of the following:
1. Believing that sex is bad probably from what she must have heard
2. Knowing someone that must have been hurt through sex/rape
3. Not appreciating her body (maybe she was taunted while growing up).
The first area to deal with is her self confidence. Without overdoing it, Michael has to make her feel beautiful and womanly.
Secondly, while in the act, he needs to be patient and gentle with her. He should not set high expectations from her, not just yet. He needs to gradually find out what pleases her. Every woman has at least one part of her body that turns her on.
Thirdly, they need to read books then watch sex education (not x-rated) movies together. Like O'dee mentioned "Intended for Pleasure" is an excellent book. It makes one look forward to sex.
Fourthly, they need to pray about it. I know many virgins who prayed that they will satisfy their husbands sexually. And they did. Because sex is created by God for husband and wife to enjoy. If she does not see anything wrong in not pleasing her husband sexually, then that should be the focus of their prayers - for her to understand the importance of sex in marriage.
I believe when her heart is softened and she realizes that there is a short coming on her part, she will be willing to seek external help, which could come from close relatives or counsellors/therapists.
What a waste of God-sanctioned sex...
Perhaps they need to seek out the counsel of a Pastor, because a good pastor would be able to explain to her the importance of physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction in a marriage.
Maybe Micheal needs to approach this issue with tons of patience. First explain to her that her pleasure is important to him, and brings him pleasure etc. Then try to suggest one thing at a time to incorporate into their sex lives. He also needs to explain to her how the lack of sex makes him feel in the marriage, does it make him feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, disrespected, useless or inadequate? I think if he can articulate in a regular conversation how their dry sex life makes him feel and she values him, she might want to try. Many women are trained to believe that men are just horny and sex is just a physical thing to them and doesn't tie into any other aspect of his life.
What kind of foreplay is Michael using? Is he waiting until right before sex to twiddle her nipples and expecting magic? Or is he affectionate throughout the day and generous with (all sorts not just physical) compliments? During sex is he actively trying to get her involved, like helping her move while she just lies there or lovingly suggest that she try something else, or move her into a new position?
Is it possible that his wife might have been abused? Because brainwashing or not, I can't imagine my body not responding to physical/sexual touch, unless there's fear involved.
Michael needs to pray in short.
Good luck to this couple, I can't imagine a marriage without sexual satisfaction.
@ Nosa101: I am removing your inflammatory comment. When I put this post up, I was clear to mention that 'respect' for each other was necessary. This is a very serious issue we are dealing with and obscene language is just not allowed. Sorry.
she is not frigid, i don't think she is, i just believe she is scared of sinning and so she acts like a log of wood.
so what does he do
if she is naija seeing a therapist is a HUGE step that will be hard for her to swallow, it is her admitting she has failed and that something is wrong, naija people just don't do therapist jare i don't care what country we have emigrated to there is a stigma involved.
so
1. he needs to find a pastor and his wife who will sit down with the couple together and then seperately man to man and woman to woman and talk about fears, expectations and what constitues a sin or not. this pastor couple has to be REAL and not just saying amen, they have to explicitly talk about their own sexual practices in order to enlighten the wife.
i would say after 13 months patience has been had but there is a different kind of persuasion that involves patience
2. arousal: she is female, she can be turned on and he has to start with the lil things first, not in bed, not with the clothes off or lights off, just kissing her in the morning and hugging her in public, touching her until she starts to want it herself, all the while never going all the way, this will be hard for him but the rewards will come in time
3. prayer: just in case she was cursed as a kid, or sexually abused and repressed the memory
so yeah let's find him a naija pastor and wife in the UK who will be real with the couple and lets get him some literature on how to woo her sexually without sex
good luck
i really liked this one,
my heart goes out to the couple because sex is important, in Gen chapter 2 verse 23-25 GOd says and they became one flesh, so if she doesn't like it, there is a disconnect
so yeah keep on posted on this one oooo and any progress they have
one more thing
i thought i was gay/frigid seriously
kissing was like eeew and hugging guyz was soo uncomfortable and no i still haven't had sex cuz we are not married but there is a way that sunshine(my man) touches mii that turns mii on (in a kosher way of course) and that makes mii smile cuz up until 23 i thought i was going to be the ice queen
so yeah
help your friend develop/find that side of him
Everyone has said a lot about this issue and i'm just going to ask if Michael has had a frank talk about it?
I think he should let her know the consequences of her action and that it might push him into the hands of other ladies, most women don't want to share their men. I'm not saying he should threaten her but have an open discussion with her about it. He should communicate his feelings to her and let her know that it is also now wrong for her to enjoy sex in marriage.
He could also get someone they both respect, maybe a pastor to talk to her about sex, they could also buy books...he has to lovingly explain the importance of sex to her and let her see that she's hurting their relationship with this attitude. Hope this helps!
Ok, I'm back, had to dig up some notes to share.
Hopefully Michael shares these words with his wife in a loving manner as a tool to help them build sexual intimacy and not as commands from God to make her off her pant immediately.
In the bible, 1 Corinthians 7 v 3-5, says that both husbands and wives should not withhold sex, because their bodies belong to each other, not to themselves alone.
Some christian books that cover this subject:
1. "For Couples Only" by Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn. It has a For Women Only book for the woman and For Men only for the guy. Surprisingly I listened to pastor, and I have never picked up his book so I can't tell you what his book says, but the Women's book covers sex in detail.
2. "The Five Love Languages" - Gary Chapman. This was mandatory reading before we could even start pre-marital counseling. It's not solely about sex, but it does cover it.
3. Sacred Sex by Tim Gardner
Just started this one, won't share why it was required reading for us; but its solely about sex as the way God intended it.
Not that reading these book will automatically change their sex life, but it can bring a new level of understanding and communication to their relationship that will eventually trickle into their sex life.
OT: I see in earlier comments that Micheal has mentioned his wife is having difficulty making friends in a new place with a different society; perhaps her loneliness is playing a bigger role in their problems than he can imagine. She might be seriously unhappy, and I think most women are like me, where happiness really does affect my interest in sex. Perhaps he needs to make a concerted effort to help her build her own support system in the UK, maybe have more couple outings with his wife so she can meet other women or go to events where she can meet people she can become friends with.
the way i see it, micheal may have to involve his wife's family in this issue. not to report d wife oh, but to get them to talk to her. you know, maybe her mother put some negative tots in her dat only d mother can remove. am just saying oh, it's a possibility. all these about reading books & teaching d woman how good sex is, all dat na talk oh if d woman no wan hear. infact, if micheal too talk am, she go begin dey vex sef. to her, it'd b like 'all he wants is sex, sex, sex, sex!'
13 months & only few times of making love! haba fa! daz meanness! & don't think she's not doing it intentionally oh. don't think dat at all. cos any wife who sees how important something is 2 her husband, at least dat beginning time of d marriage (4 some oh), they will just do it. so, y isn't she?
i know a couple, dis woman REFUSED to sleep with her husband. for TWO YEARS!!!!!! which kain wickedness b dat? d husband did everything within his powers to his wife on, nothing. he's b loving, attentive, everything. nothing. he met with his church leaders, d woman flared up. dat he is reporting her to all & sundry. at d end of d day, dis woman packed out of her marital home! & dis is christain. MFM sista 4 dat matter! my dear, nobody can save another person. everybody saves themselves. unless micheal's wife is indeed willing to change her attitude 2wuds, all these advise we dey give na waste of energy!
but, anyways, let it now b dat am being negative. micheal should pray & fast. one day, God will hear his prayers & turn d heart of his wife. In the meantime, let him learn some masturbation skills (me, i no go advise anyone to commit adultery)
micheal really should have discussed this with his wife b4 marriage. personally, i had d sex talk with MM. yes oh, i did. Cos d dude was just too chilled abt sex. he wasn't mentioning it at all. & me, i knew how important it was to me, so i mentioned it. There's no shame there. Abi, no b marry i wan marry d man? In discussing it, we discovered i was more active than him. So, he knew dat not to leave me dissatified, he had to buckle up. Today, we have a satisfactory sex life. Infact, he's d one asking 4 me more now sef. lol.
d thing is it takes both partners being willing to develop a sex life dat is fulfilling to both of them. cos 2 people may not b of d same libido-level. it is not one person's job to 'get their partner to love sex more/less as they do'. daz just too much unnecessary burden, which causes friction. Micheal's wife should really decide 4 herself what she wants out of her marriage & WORK TOWARDS IT.
i've talked too much. sorry oh, i don waka. Solo, am voting for u live & direct. Although i was going to vote for Vera & Afro oh. Wetin we go do? Ok, ok. I go share out the vote. I/3rd for each of u! Peace! Love!
First off i want to commend MR for hanging in there for this long and trying to find a way to solve this issue instead of finding himself a mistress.
Im thinking there has to be a reason for her behaviour, was she abused,not physically attracted to him or is it just a christianity thing?
Where is Pastor bimbo when u need her?God rest her soul
This is obviously a case where the elders in the church have to sit her down and talk some sense into her.
This is the same woman that will cry out to the whole world if the guy goes out and finds himself a mistress.
Me thinks she needs to arrange herself sharpish before somebody will collect wat is hers.
This is so strange. All the years of 'virgintity'(Madea) should have made her excited about finally finding someone to wild out with, hehehe. I guess she should be reminded that God created sex, so it's not something to feel weird about, especially with your husband. I hope she picks up some of the books mentioned, and gets a mindset change. Pastor Bimbo on youtube-http://www.youtube.com/user/pastorbimboodukoya
Hubby should hang in there. For better for worse, right:)
Well i will pass...
@Phoenix ur pic reminds me of Padosh...
lol Phoenix its you my darling!!!
I would expect the virgin wife to be thrilled at the prospect of consummating her marriage...appparently that is not the case..So maybe Michael should look into her history, perhaps she was sexually abused as a child? in adulthood?..hence her distaste for sex..So my point??? TALK TALK TALK..talk to her, ask her how she feels during sex? dirty? (maybe it's the church's spin operating here), tell her how her unresponsiveness makes you feel. Basically, you guys should explore together, and do the foreplay joint! and as all have said make her understand sex is a beautiful thing and subtly recommend books or the likes (depending on wifey, she might not like outright recommendations)...oh.treating her..roses, chocolates,jewelry, whatever...might help. wink.
That's a very testing issue.
I believe most people who have issues with s3x have other issues going on as well. She might not be comfortable with it because she's not comfortable with her body itself.
They need to find the underlying reasons why she thinks "s3x is evil". He also needs to be patient. The female body takes a lot longer than the male body to enjoy s3xual pleasure.
I don't know, I'm stomped because to me s3x is a very important part of a successful relationship. I don't know what I would do if I was not sexually unhappy inside my marriage. *sigh*
Ok, I didn't read the comments before I reply but I just have to give a standing ovation to Akin. Well said!!
@Dabizniz...pls pls pls let it just end here...wat nonsense is this, is it because one is sharing opinions here you now want to extend this conversation to my blog...if u disagree with me, u disagree but don't come interrogating me in my space as if na fight..
If I tell u wat church I attend, and then wat? U wanna start attacking my church? If u disagree, give ur reason, if I feel u warrant a response I wud reply but pls don't come to me all bellicose. I still stand by my words.
I don't know who I feel more sorry for the poor guy or his wife because obviously both of them are struggling with their own issues.
Maybe he should try finding something that makes her really happy and trying to slowly ease her into it after that because me I'm confused and don't know what else he can do.
From the sound of things, a marriage/sex counselor won't help much because she doesn't sound like she'd want to talk about it :(
akin has said it best above...she needs counselling...maybe on her own @ first because i sense there are some deeper issues she is dealing with that she has not revealed to her husband...some one has made her believe that there is nothing pleasurable in this...it is key to find out why...then to make her understand her that it is ok to give into this shared experienced…that it is ok to experience it fully without guilt/ anger/shame/loathing...only then will the barriers come down...
na real wa oh. well i guess she should get some xtian books/ vids on sex, this is d issue with most of dem virgin mary, dey tell dem to wait b4 marriage, but they dnt give dem any other info on sex etc and becuz dey have also ignored sex talks / books etc b4 getting married, they have lil / no knowledge abt sex, and see it as a 'sin'..I guess dem churches shd start edumacating the 'abt to be married' ones on sex, and as much as i feel for the poor dude, i also feel sorry for the poor gurl who has been so much brain washed.....dayyyyuuuum!
Wao, this is one helluva pathetic situation . . . not that unusual though and I must say I seriously pity Michael’s wife because what she’s doing is only gonna push poor Michael out to go get the sexual satisfaction elsewhere outside matrimony . . . the beginning of the end for the marriage and in the event of that happening would you blame him. Never! . . .I agree with you. They really need to see a therapist or better still, since she’s the overly spiritual type, maybe they need to see a pastor who understands that sex creates a stronger bond in marriage and who can counsel them (especially her) aright.
omg!
This is intense o...y wuld she starve her dear husband of sex(as the say is a married man's right)...Well i dunno tho, cheating is out of the matter but i guess he shuld take it to God in prayer.
Thats really all I can think of cuz its not sumthin u shuld be discussing to extended fammily "daddy please beg ur daughter to satisfy me sexually'..lol...thats a lil bit extreme...prayer o!
Now i know why i dread virgins, i really don't think the wife will ever enjoy sex again if they have been married for 13 months and she still feels the same, i think the guy should take what he gets cause she can decide to close shop finally if he pushes too hard.
Maybe experience should now be a criteria for selecting husbands and wives these days, abi?
this is a serious one. as much as i want to suggest that the guy frees her and enjoy himself however he wants to, i know that would not help the situation at all.
i am mad that her parents esp. her mother/marriage counsellor/married older sisters did not tell her that a huge part of a successful marriage is satisfying your man sexually.
i think the solution is that the man takes a loving approach to solving the problem. if she has refused to go for counselling he can try talking to their pastor who will then call the woman in to have a chat with her. or talk to her mum... it's a tough one though. i wish them the very best. its really sad but this is a clear example of too much of a good thing.
I'm sure there are Bible passages that he can use. I wouldn't know personally but there should be something about it right? I know the Koran does...
Wow...
Goodluck!!! Txx
wow..this is a tough one..he needs to talk to her continually..she just has to see reason..
theres no excuse for cheating but its stuff like this that cud drive a man to another woman's arms..
h2o sweetie, please take am easy!
My 1st question is Was she circumcised? Cos i heard the story of a woman out here in yankee who just lies there too becos she feels nothing. I really think she needs marriage counselling from the women in church, Not those ignorant church women, If you have those abge switch church sharp sharp. I know in my church at every bridal shower, sex is emphasised, even during womens breakfast meetings, U need her to attend things like that, where they raise issues on how to keep your marriage. Pls after all my pastors wife taps her husband on the ass , which one be this aunty own.
My advise is, Nah u bring am come Jand , show am the church wey u dey go, If the church isnt working for you, By all means pls feel free to change. You are the head of the house , She is meant to submit to you.
There's been a lot of good advice given so far so i only have 1 thing to add.
I think that Michael may want to re-consider the way he's approaching this issue with his wife. I get the sense that he views her as the problem i.e. she's the one that needs to be fixed. She may be picking up on this and as a result is defensive or resistant to his encouragement. No one wants to be blamed for issues (even if they really are the cause of it) and she may be afraid that when you suggest counselling, it will turn out to be a list of all the ways that she is failing you.
So my suggestion is that he re-define the problem. Instead of for e.g... 'you are frigid and that's why we're having a difficult sex life', something like 'we need ways to improve our marriage' (sorry i can't come up with a better example but i think you get what i mean). Creating a common problem that requires a joint solution might get her more invested as he'll be getting her input on the situation. I believe that she desires that they have a happy life together so he may have more success by appealing to that goal which is common to both of them.
This one hard oh.
If the man loves her, then patience. But this kain patience na the one bible dey call long suffering.
As a drastic step, he should ask her to leave his house for those specific reasons.
If she doesnt give it to him well, he'll look for it outside.
The husband should ask his wife if she was ever sexually molested / raped. Frigidity (and on the flip side promiscuity) doesn’t come from religious beliefs/upbringing but rather from bad sexual experiences in childhood.
If she’s against receiving professional counseling, hubby will have to step in and play counselor.
This is what “to death do us part” is all about. Don’t focus on your needs, get to the root of the problem. Pray hard and her love deeply. When she gets healed, she’ll forever remember your sacrifice of love—and reward you with a lifetime of good lovin’.
I know this months overdue, but seriously sex is not a terrible thing in a christian marriage. If it was, Paul (apostle Paul) wouldnt have said what he said in 1corinthians.
someone needs to explain the bible to the woman.sex is a beautiful thing made to be enjoyed beautifully in marriage. satisfy your husband (you own his body) while he satisfies you (he owns your body).
these truths needs to be explained to her--you wonder why the bible talk say "my children perish for ignorance"
perhaps he should spend more time on foreplay...any woman will just lie there if thats all it involves. try reading up on ways to 'seduce' your wife. seduction starts with the words you speak to a woman as well.
i dont think its her faith that makes her 'frigid'. i think it just might be the way you all go at it. also, a good xtian woman will want ot save her marriage. and u can argue that God would want her to do counseling as well. try looking for a christian counselor.
lol @ "I took d liberty to look up cling in the dictionary...it reads "...to hold or hold on tightly or tenaciously" Clinging incites and is incited by passion." <--I agree
now let me add my 2 kobo
I'll keep this short and sweet. I'm a virgin but only by God's grace. It HASN'T been easy seeing that I have a serious boyfriend but thankfully we are both committed to abstaining (his idea more than mine), even though he's not a virgin by any means.
I think it is unnatural to be "afraid" of sex. Even if one grows up in a family and community that totally rejects the idea of "making love" or having sex for purposes outside of procreation.
Once you start having sex i don't see HOW WOULDN'T ENJOY IT?! unless... (i'll be the devil's advocate)it's not good (YEAH I SAID IT!).
*shrug* maybe it's not that good
p.s. I've read a really good book called The Freedom of Sexual Love that talks about sex from a Christian perspective I whole heartedly believe it can be a spiritual experience that brings husband and wife CLOSER together.
p.p.s. my boyfriend and I aren't having sex but there's obviously sexual tension between us...i don't see how I could marry someone i didn't feel that SPARK for. That's such a HUGE part of making the choice to be with someone for the REST of your life ... how could he NOT know. ^.-
This is difficult. Firstly, well done to the guy for not cheating on madam. She's been brought up to see certain acts as dirty. The only counselling that'll work would be through the church. A sensitive pastor can explain that within marriage, God celebrates such acts. I wonder if she wanted to come out to England and didn't really love the guy. The guy has talked about his great love for his wife but how does she feel? Does she want children? From the sound of things there are no kids. Maybe he should explain they're just trying for kids, that could encourage her to be wifely more often.
Does she work long hours? perhaps this tires her out? Has the guy put on a lot of weight? This could be a problem but she doesn't know what to say.
Maybe his approach could be more subtle, as this is her first experience. Spend time in bed but not for sex, just cuddles. Massages and having baths together.
I dont believe she really actually believes sex in marriage is a sin..seriously which woman believes that sex in marriage is a sin?If she is indeed born again and has read her bible she will know that sex is intended for marriage..the same bible encouraged those that couldnt wait to go and marry so that they could enjoy sex..as far as i am concerned she has other issues and this is what her husband has to unearth from her mind...they need to really figure out what is going on inside her or what experience could have triggered this.Sex is very embarrassing for people to talk about so i dont think going to talk to somebody else will help them much...it has to come from both of them....
...i can only imagine how frustrating it is for the hubby...She knew that sex was a marital requirement so she should have refused to get married and remained single...abi?..However sa, since you love her you have to stick it out with her.Remember those vows "for better or worse"..
hmm... as a person who has been keeping herself, i can't wait to get married and unleash all my passion, so not everyone who is a virgin until marriage is frigid... lol...
okay, on a more serious note, i guess she has some deep rooted issues with her sexuality and her body.
she probably was made to think that sex was dirty or a sin and that her body is ugly.
like others have rightly said, her husband should be really patient, he should buy christian books on sex for her and also complement her. tell her how beautiful is and how much you love her body, that may help increase her confidence.
and to correct the opinions of some people, not every church teaches that sex is dirty. i recall once something Pastor Bakare of the LRA said once, 'christianity is against pre-marital sex, however sex itself is not a sin. when you get married, you can do whatever you want, anyhow you want, wherever you want. it's allowed, it's permitted.'....
Kudos to Micheal for staying faithful.it'll all work out.and please don't involve your families. this will only embarrass her and make things worse.
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