Today's issue is from a reader who is not Nigerian. She is married to a Nigerian and is in a serious bind. We have been discussing this issue for over a week but I have run out of ideas and quite frankly will be unable to help her, based on my suggestions alone. So, please, read her story and offer your best suggestions whatever they may be. You never know what will help.
I will be monitoring the comments to ensure that we all remain respectful given a specific comment from last week's installment. That being said, if you leave a comment that is rude, or obscene, I will be forced to remove it. So, if you notice your comment has been deleted, I apologize in advance, but I have to ensure that TTTEC remains a forum for serious conversation without the fear of insults or disrespect.
Thanks everyone.
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Dear SSD:
I am a stalker of your blog and love it even though sometimes I do not understand the slang you use, lol! I am not a Nigerian, but like you, I am married with children and struggling to stay sane! I need some help from you and your readers, so please hear me out.
My husband is Igbo and is the first son out of 7 children. I have never had a very good relationship with his family because frankly, I wonder if they love him or just see him as a source of money. Plus, they treat me horribly. My mother-in-law is turning 60 this year and as is apparently customary, she is expecting a grand bash to celebrate. We are expected to all travel to the village, during peak travel season, and stay for 2 weeks. As my husband is the only son, he is expected to foot the bill.
Now, my husband lost his job 3 weeks ago and is having a hard time finding a new one. As I mentioned, we have 2 children in school, a mortgage and 2 cars but, we are about to sell one. Even though his family knows that he has no job, they still expect him to send money to pay for the preparations. In fact, when we told one of his sisters, she didn't even stop to ask how we were managing, she immediately asked if that would affect Mama's birthday!!!!
I cannot believe how inconsiderate my husband's family is. My husband is losing sleep over how he is supposed to finance this operation. I have always worked hard to not get involved with his family because they always accuse me of trying to take "their son" away from them, but this is ridiculous. I have encouraged him to ask the family to postpone the celebration or have his sisters and their husbands pay for it. We can give them the money back when we get on our feet. He tried my suggestions. His mother got overly dramatic and started screaming about how Mama Nkechi and Mama Patience had the bashes this year and how she cannot believe her son wants to shame her. His sisters didn't even take the time to ask their husbands about chipping in, they all started complaining about the bills they have. This, despite the fact that my husband has personally given these women and their husbands loans in the recent past.
Personally, I have had it. I am ready to call everyone and curse them out because my husband clearly does not have the will to do it, but I know if I do that it will become a problem, and so I will not. But, I need a good way to get us out of making such a large financial commitment during these tough times. How can I convince his sister's and his mother to postpone this ceremony until when my husband and I are back on our financial feet? How do I deal with my caustic in-laws? They don't even talk to me when they come to my own house, yet they will eat my food and treat my house as if it belongs to them, leaving dishes everywhere. I pray about things constantly but I need some concrete advice on how to make sure we do not get deeper into debt over some extravaganza that my mother-in-law and her daughters feel they are entitled to.
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Please share your thoughts, thanks!
53 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
firssssssssssssssssst on TTTEC!
ok good thing that she prays...atleast thats the beginning.
So if there is no money, there is no money o...nothing can happen.There has to be a way she can tell then that "there is no money and there is nothing they can do"
So yes its either its postponed or they dey simply dont pay becus "there is no money", I mean u cant give when there is nothing to give...
But still on still she shuld pray...God has a way of convicting the hearts of pple.
im third
:)
this is a tough cookie and i have NO EXPERIENCE WITH IN-LAWS but family drama i understand so here's my take on it
1. the fact that you are NOT nigerian, and NOT igbo is a sore issue for the family and so everything you say will be seen thru that light. now i am very sure you know this but i need to remind you that there is almost NOTHING u can do to change their minds, so be a good christian wife and expect nothing from them. the decision for them to accept u they will have to individually make as time goes by.
2. it is HIS family not yours and being that you are not nigerian HE not YOU has to handle this problem, you trying to talk to his mother or his sisters will ONLY PUT YOU IN MORE DRAMA. maybe in 10 years then might come to accept you but being that right now they can barely stand you i don't think you telling them about fiscal responsiblity will help.
3. the situation is not totally helpless because your husband is married to YOU so as a couple you need to sit down and work out a strategy. this is not YOUR FIGHT this is his.
4. i will give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is responsible husband and son who has provided in the past for his family. he doesn't have a job. END OF STORY. he needs to sit down with his siblings and mother and let them know the gravity of the situation, when it comes to the economy and so on, he is THE SON and i am assuming his father is dead so technically he is THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD, he needs to have a real conversation with his mother and then his siblings and that is it.
5. before this conversation pray and fast with him but under NO circumstances should you allow him to be guilted into spending money you donm't have, as nigerians, keeping up with the jones is a curse we share, he needs to make sure he doesn't succumb.
okay this is getting lengthy so let mii sum it up
IT IS NOT YOUR BATTLE BUT HIS
HE NEEDS TO TAKE A STAND AND EXPLAIN TO HIS FAMILY AND LEAVE IT AT THAT, HE HOLDS THE PURSE STRINGS SO HE SETS THE TERMS, OF COURSE THIS CONVERSATION MUST HAPPEN WITH RESPECT BUT as i said before HE IS THE HEAD OF HIS HOUSEHOLD not his mother or his sisters or their husbands
good luck
I think your lady, let's call her Stella, needs to talk to her husband and make sure that he's on the same page as her with respect to not being willing to go into (any more) debt to finance this party.
Once they are both on the same page, it would only make sense for him to approach his family and tell them what the situation is: remind them that he lost his job, remind them he loaned his in-laws money, just lay his financial cards on the table and ask them how they expect him to foot the bill for this birthday bash and see what they say. It would actually be even stronger if he could look them all in the face and say "I cannot finance this party", a bold statement, and one with a ring of finality to it.
I don't think Stella should get involved, except from the point of view of making sure her husband knows where she stands, and coming to some sort of agreement with him with respect what is the most they are willing to do for this party before he goes and talks to his family.
I definitely don't think her cursing out his family will do anything (though she may have only shared that because she's frustrated) and it doesn't sound like they have any respect for her. I think if Stella's hubby does the talking and she's not even there during the conversation, there's a greater chance they'll believe that what is being shared is coming from their son and brother and no one else.
Bad habits are hard to break and it looks like Stella's husband is used to being the "saviour" of the family, and as a result the whole family has come to expect a lot from him. Well, this is his chance to speak up and set things straight. It seems like he's being taken advantage of by his siblings (and their husbands!).
All the best to them!
Sigh. This is the story of my mother's life
The husband has to break free by himself. Don't try to do it for him. There's something about a Nigerian Man and his family especially when he has the savior complex. Encourage him to try to free himself and expect backlash from him and his family. My father used to agree about making a decision concerning his family and then my mom goes on to act on it only for him to throw my mother under the bus like he had no idea. Also you need to become more involved with the family purse strings, ask questions and be a better manager. You'll be surprised at what you'll find. DO NOT argue with his family behind his back because they'll call him and exaggerate your words including complete fabrications. Unfortunately,
there's a strong possibility he won't listen to your side of the story. DO NOT ridicule his sense of obligation to his family either in Nigeria our parents are our gods. Be prepared to be hated even more. Good luck. And I hope that God does hear your prayers in this matter Because he was completely deaf to my mother's pleas
this is the second TTEC installation that I really wont know what to say to.
She has already talked to her husband, so that is out.
She prays, so that is out.
I cannot advise her to cuss them out, cuz i dont know what sort of family theirs is... if it's a "juju" family, u dont want to be cussing.
she says she is not nigerian, does she and her family live in Naija? if they do, maybe they should relocate.
If they dont live in Naija, this is the time to cut that family off for a bit! haba, "won fe pa kete kete ni?" (do they want to kill the donkey?)
I do not think it is advisable to spend money one doesnt have.
p.s., i just read Mogaji's comment, perfect. She's been there thru her mum, so she knows what she's saying.
hmmmm' anoda one!
her husband needs to put his foot down....owo ti ko si jaguda kan o le gba.simple!(if there is no money , even a thief has nothn to steal.")
she should sit her hubby down and make him realise the consequence of him footing tht bday bash bill at the expense of his immediate family's needs cos his immediate family should be of more concern to him.
then her husband should now be the one to present the situation frankly and firmly to the family members....thr would be anoda landmark in "iya's" life and hopefully by then he will be able to foot the bill.(amen)
I agree with Mogaji...do not curse his family out behind his back OR even if he is there... NO NO NO...
just stand by him and let him deal with his family.
I am not surprised his sisters are behaving that way...everybody is always quick to put their mouths into thing but when it is time to drop money they suddenly develop deep pockets and short arms.
PEOPLE WILL GET AWAY WITH MURDER IF YOU LET THEM so it is up to your husband to put his foot down and demand that his siblings contribute. PERIOD
He needs to call a family meeting with all the kids in the family ASAP (with no mother in tow but as soon as that is done he needs to be the first to pick up the phone and tell her what has been agreed)
These 60th, 65th, 70th thanksgiving bday celebrations are such a big deal in nigeria nowadays...
My mother had her 60th bday celebrations last year and i ended up footing 3/4 of the bill...only my younger brother contributed his share...trust me it was not what i had agreed with my brothers and i was more than miffed. I was like whatever sha...but then my eldest brother told my mother he’d not known of our plans so my mum who had been enjoying herself came to meet me at the end of the day only to accuse me of sideling one of her sons...i was like what?!!! i was pissed but decided to stay calm because it was her bday...this same older brother of mine (whom i do love dearly but let me finish my story sha) was the first person that had started discussing things but he would never moved anything forward... so while the others and i decided to get on with the bday preparations, my eldest brother refused to lift a finger so i wasn't really shocked he refused to pay at the last minute!!!
Church, reception venue, drinks, photographer, music, eso ebi, food, tables, ...everybody will have their own ideas of grandeur… but the family meeting is the forum in which your husband needs to tell them straight what he can do and what he cannot do...please he should also tell them at the meeting that is mother is not Mama Patience or Mama Nkechi etc...it does not have to be the same...just appropriate!!! He needs to encourage them to keep it simple.
If his mum wants to do more she should drop her own cash...my aunt had to drop some cash for her 70th bday thanksgiving cos her children could not foot all the Extravaganza bill.
Oh that reminds me…also get your husband or his sister to talk to his mothers siblings...my cousins did that and one of my uncles actually paid an Obscene amount of money as his contribution
Honestly if things get hysterical agree to pay for the thanksgiving church service only. That is the most important bit jare!!!
i do not think you and your husband will get out of this without some sort of contribution (i know that times are hard) but if the money is divided by all 7 siblings(and yes i know it will not be equal) it will help u out with this wahala
Also if you go, DO NOT agree to stay anywhere for two weeks...NO NO NO...go for 4 days max...nobody...and I mean NOBODY has the right to judge u or your husband if you contribute what u can and attend.
p.s
Just the fact that you have to pay so much just to get your family to the village and back let alone pay for everything else can itself casue a major dent in the family finances..
Hello,
(I'm sorry, this is a long one.)
This is a typical situation with our "so-called" culture - keeping up with the Joneses.
We all measure our status in society by reason of our hedonistic ostentation and showing off.
In my situation, my father was made a chief again last year and all the new chiefs wanted to have their party immediately at Christman rather than postpone it to better times.
My view was, if we had the party at Christmas in the hard times it would cost more in percentages because there are hungrier people in harder times with greater numbers to cater for than if it happened in better times in other festival free months.
It was persuasive enough for the event to be postponed to my father's 70th this year - the most important thing was he realised that the times were a bit straitened and took the decision to move it on.
Having children does not present the opportunity to milk them dry - a Yoruba saying suggests, "The dead get buried with what we in hand".
Children also should ensure they are not caught in the trap that gives them stress for responsibilities that are hardly important to their personal livelihood.
Under no circumstances should money be borrowed for the sake of fun or showing off, it would be the stupidest thing to do.
Holding together your nuclear family is the most critical thing in these straitened times, if in the end the mother feels she is about to be shamed by not having her son pay for the fiesta she had better get out and start working to cure her shame - I have no sympathy for insensitivity to others just to satisfy self-aggrandisement.
She is only 60, for crying out loud, my older parents hold down decent jobs, in Nigeria - we need to get away from these silly activities that have no bearing on our customs, traditions or beliefs.
The idea of birthdays is Western, nobody took dates of birth in old Africa, for my father, I know a tree was planted on the day he was born, that we know the exact date was just a matter of providence.
Seasons, market days and festivals are our traditional times.
Keep your nuclear family intact, if you have extra you can give but now the critical matters are your health, sanity, mortgage, food on the table, school fees and basic comfort - 60th birthday can be celebrated for the next 10 years or wait till 70.
Some people! Let her worry, you have enough on your plate and it is time for some Hard Talk - ditch the prayer advise on this matter.
You and your family are NUMBER 1, that is all that matters today.
Regards,
Akin
My dear this issue is for your husband to have out with his family and not you if you cherish your marriage..
Your duty now is to convince him it is not sensible to make any commitements since the financial situation is not good...
*shaking my head....men can be dumb though...Solo don't delete my comment oh, u know men are dumb dont you....
Good luck sweetheart...
yeah afrobabe...i dont know how this woman can go about this without her husbands cooperation..
i assume he feels thesame pain you have expressed here ..but doesnt seem to want to explain to his family..maybe you just have to put some courage in him by talkin to him so that he can face his family..
So sorry about your situation...it must be hard on both you and your husband.
If i were you, i will do my own fighting behind the ranks i.e. i will stand by my husnand and convince him that he just cannot give what he doesn't have, continue making plenty suggestions. Let him know you are on his side 110% and even if his family don't understand YOU his wife does. He needs to hear and see this over and over again. Reassure him but don't push him. Let him do this is his own stride. Whatever he decides to do...hold his hand.
He needs your encouragement to face them...
Trust me, you cannot fight with the whole family..it can get messy and really you don't need more trouble than you already have.
I hope you and your husband find a way out of this...goodluck and don't give up
stay blessed xxx
I don't really know what to say. At least she prays, that's a good start.
I think showing them they do not have the money might help. Those sisters are horrible. So their own family has bills to pay? Why can they not be considerate by them all chipping into the birthday fund?
Good luck to her.
they have really put them in a tight corner. she and her husband need to come together and talk about. there is no money period. they both have their responsibility at home; children, mortgage and all. they have to put it in prayers and talk to the family again.. hopefully the husband's family ll understand and cursing out the family is a no-go area. that is putting salt upon injury.
i really hope it works out for her..
i want to encourage the writer of the letter to just keep praying. we wrestle not against flesh and blood...
things she might not know:
1. naija men dont play with their mums and sisters
2. the in-laws are probably not too fond of her already cuz she's not ibo
she needs to pray for God's intervention and occasionally remind her husband of their financial condition. if the man wants to use all his money to do party for his mum LET HIM! that way they wont say you were the one that said whatever. u might think you dont need them in your life but think of your children's bdays, weddings, anniversaries... don't drive them away! pull them closer and pray hard.
that's the sacrifice that any virtuous woman and wife must make to ensure that her in-laws stay her kids and husband's life.
goodluck!
I think the focus shouldnt be on convincing the family that this is a very "silly" thing they ask of you guys, knowing your current financial Status.
Convince your husband, and stand by him. he will get a lot of insults from his family & all. & they may not even talk to him or call you the wife the evil one. but stand by him with prayers & be the bestest wife he has.
& yeah dont insult/curse his family in any way. It will just give them a chance to get your husband to be against you.
Whatever she does, PLEASE don't let her husband take out a loan of any kind because of a party. My friend's hubby did that to appease his family and they are still suffering the repercussions 18 months later.
If there is no money, then there is no money. She shouldn't cuss them out, they would love her to snap. Hard as it is she should be civil at ALL times. At a point she should retreat and just let it play out. An idea is that only her hubby should travel? That will cut down on costs.
Knowing their current battle with finances??...
This is a really tough one..
I suggest she continues to pray,and discuss it with her husband,
Taking out a loan would probably not be a good idea..
i think most ppl have solved this already, however i know this cant be easy at all for this woman, the only i ca say is this, its not ur place to tell ur in laws that there is no money, let you husband tell his own family that he simply does not have the money at this time, i know how frustrated u r but please don not be the one to 'curse' out these ppl. also, id say take this to God and pack it at his feet, just pray and let Him handle the situation. it is well.
there is no money,
babu kudi,
ego a diro (in ur husband's dialect).
i.e, u cannot afford to throw such parties, quite simple!!!
keep praying, God listens. beg God to bless hubby's sibblings too so they can have enough money to throw around.
sit hubby down and explain to him again what the consequences of sponsoring this party will be, the problems that will arise will be there long after "the party".
dont cuss them out (tempting tho), dont be rude or disrespectful towards them. its solves no problem, it causes more.
God grant u the wisdom and grace to go thru this and keep ur home (and sanity too)!
Oh Girl, this case no be your own oooh.
Seriuosly speaking. I understand how you feel but. You and hubby need to sit down and discuss this isue about the party taking your current financial situation into consideration. But what happens after that is up to your hubby. You will only be causing world war 5 by taking matters into your own hands. YOur husband has to try and find a way of getting his mum and sibblings to understand that things are not good at the moment. He needs to put his foot down and give his family a reality check. You have every right to fell the way you do ad you and your family are the ones suffering and will be the ones to feel the ones at a great loss in the end. Hung in there and also keep praying about this. x x x Kpele
before i read comments let me put mine up.
this is where the bible talks about a man leaving his father and his mother and clingy to his wife. so unfortunate.
my sister continue to pray o...esp that your husband will have the power to break away from the claws of his family. cuz it is his battle and he has to fight it.
just sad..so so sad
@SSD congrats on ur awards
Madam's problem is not her in-laws it's her husband. He needs to put his foot down on many things, not just this celebration, but how his family treats and interacts with you, he's the one who us the cause of the drama. True, As Di okpala and the only son, it's true that he bears the responsibility of keepig up his parents, but if he can't afford it, he can't do it. But his position in his family also affords him many luxuries including, putting his family in their place, they surely won't try him, but only if he takes a stand but it seems like her husband just doesn't want to take a stand.
If there's no money for a party, then there's simply no money for a damn party PERIOD.COM It's not Igbo tradition to celebrate a big birthday, that's his mother's desire not any cultural obligation; unless she happened to receive a title at the same time. They're not entitled to ish, just don't stress yourself.
I would not advise cussing out your inlaws, or even engaging yourself in discussions with them, ka udo di biko. That's your husband's place to protect you from everything including his family. The solution to your problem is this, reach a decision with your husband and he has to stick with it.
Everyone seems to have dealt with the money issue but no one is saying anything about the disrespect that her in-laws show the wife by not speaking to her when they go to her house or treating it like it were their own.
I would advise her to speak with her husband and insist that he impress it upon his family that it is not their house and they should show respect to his wife. If he cannot do that, then he simply is a wimp and she should forget about him ever standing up to them with regards to the money issue or anything else for that matter
I'm not igbo, i'm yoruba. But I have a few igbo male friends who have openly shared their culture with me. I feel for this lady as she obviously was not aware of how it is with the igbo culture. From what i understand, as a male you are responsible for family i.e. ur siblings, parents etc. A mother of an igbo man feels she should be priority in her son(s) life. She is even more important that the sons children.
Personally it's up to the husband to put his EXTENDED family in their place. For Bible says something about a man will leaving his family (parents) to be with his wife. Now we all know that thats most likely not going to happen cos his thinking has been wired that way- he'll always put his mothers needs before his wife and kids. My suggestion therefore is for her to deal with it. Nothing she can do except she wants a seperation- which i dont support except she's being physcially abused.
And for others who are yet to get married- clarify issues like this before marrying blindly. Love is blind but marriage will open the blindness.
If she is a Christian, she needs to try and get counselling from a minister who hopefully will set him straigt.
I think everybody pretty much said all that needed to be said.
The problem is not the In-laws, it's the husband. He's the only one who is able to curb the behavior.
I understand the savior complex. I come from a culture where mother-in-laws and sisters are the end-all, be-all of a man's life but it's up to the man to put his foot down.
Do not interact with his family directly. Do not take it personal and do not expect for it to change. The way they interact with you tells you more about who they are than who you are. Do not indulge them. Be polite and stern.
I am also curious to know if there is a big cultural difference between you and your husband? Did you know/guess that it would probably be that hard to reconcile both your cultures? I'm asking all these questions because those are questions the in-laws might spit in your face if you ever confront them directly. It is not for you to handle that.
Marriage is a meshing of different people, cultures, backgrounds, families etc... etc... Those people will be around you for life, if your intention is to remain married for life. Finding a good way to deal with them without interfering with your home life will be key.
By any means, good luck darling. And keep us posted.
the bible said that a man shall leave his family and become one with his wife.
the bible also said honour your parents and take care of them in their old age
but the bible does not support a family that causes a daughter in-law.
she has tried to be friends with the family iin vain.
maybe this is an opportunity for the man and wife to really leave the family alone for once
maybe he lost his job to really understand that his family only value him for what he can give to them.
maybe he lost his job so he can really determine what is more important
the guy shouldn't lose sleep over what cant be changed.
if the family wouldn't understand there is no money for such party, they really should be ignored for now, especially when they refuse to reason.
I think it is time to truely become the "Witch" they probably call you behind your back.
I dont know how strong your husbands will is, but you have seen instances of women ruining men, wait let me finish b4 you think iv gone crazy...,
lol
I am by no means telling you to get involved in this but "behind every succesful man is a woman....,a very loud woman" We women wield great power over our men, its just that some of us use it to their detriment, it is time to use ur power as a woman and control your husband.
I dont know how you will do it, sex, food, sex, (lol) but honey the mountain is on fire and you need to act fast.
Talk to your husband,in the confines of your home lay everything bare, how he CANNOT afford it and how you will not be the one to suffer if he should decide to go and spend money he doesnt have.
You can give him options, you can tell him to call a metting and ask his sisters to split the bill with him.
He can even tell them to postpone it.He is afterall the man in the house.
I have Igbo relatives and i cannot even begin to imagine the bullshit you go through as an outsider talkless of when he is an only son.
No matter wat happens,outside the confines of your home play the "good" wife , dont get involved with any rubbish conversation with ur inlaws and try to develop a thick skin toward their accusations, cos nothing will pain them more than you seeming impervious to their tactics .
Dont call your inlaws to cuss anybody out, cos no matter how much ur husband loves you, they are his family and he will always have a strong sense of responsibility towards them.
May Gods wisdom be with you.
I can't help but wonder if your husband has presented you as less than a supportive wife. I am married and I can totally relate to what you are saying. It's time for your hubby to stop playing captain save em, and focus on his immediate family. That party will be alright, but right now, his family (You and your kids) need him. Do not get into debt because of someone else's selfishness. That said, please pray for God's wisdom in everything that you do, and please do not get into any back and forths with his family. It'll only make things worse. Totally ignore them. Be polite, but grow some thick skin to all their 'wickedness'.
All the best.
This is such a easy problem: "owo ti o si jedi jedi (jaguda) o le gba". Greediness (theifs) can't take (steal) the money you don't have.
I personaly would not say anything to the in laws. No matter how much your husband loves you, the day you curse out his mother is the day you should start preparing for the end of your marriage sooner or later.
Your husband just needs to keep telling his family the main problem. THERE IS NO MONEY! If they don't understand then sorry. Your job is to convince your husband that it is okay to say no in situations like this and it absolutely does not make him a bad Son.
I don't think there is much that I can add; everyone has pretty much said what I think of the situation. I know all about mean in-laws, my mum faced the same thing for years. She's developed thick skin and some have even relented since they realize that nothing they say or do is gonna bug her.
Just keep being prayerful and let your husband deal with his family. Don't let his family get to you either. They'll run of steam eventually.
All the best hun.
Biko Biko Please! Do not meddle in between him and his family esp his mother! I know my Igbo people and I know how most of them think.For tomorrow, they will turn everything you say now against you. Please don't give them that pleasure! A lot of people have given you good advice already just take everything into consideration and talk to only your husband about this issue. May God give all of us inlaws that we can handle and deal it. Amen!
This issue of entitlement is an unfortunate aspect of our culture. Yes, it is good to help others as much as you can but it should not be at the expense of your own life. Both of them need to remember that they don't owe obligations to anyone but themselves and their kids. And it is not wrong or selfish for them to say no when they just can't help out.
Like others have said, it should not be the wife to confront these in-laws. If she gets involved, she will be a convenient scapegoat for them. The guy needs to start drawing boundaries between his extended and nuclear family.
I think she needs to support him in resisting whatever they throw at him (guilt, manipulation, emotional blackmail, verbal abuse etc) to ensure that he stands firm on their position. It's not going to be easy especially if they are used to milking him or getting their way but it is crucial for her family's financial and mental well-being that her husband not succumb to these unreasonable demands. I know of two families that have had similar situations (not Igbo btw) and over-extending themselves to satisfy demanding family members didn't end well at all.
wow..
i know its hard, but please keep being the good and supportive person u r, they will just have to grow to accept u wholly eventually..
as for the party issue..i think ur husband shud put his foot down on this one..i dunno how u will make him do it but he just has to make them understand that this is just wrong timing..
good luck!
I only read a few of the other comments and i was nodding while reading Good Naija Girl's...i have the same advice.
Let the Mister be bold enough to look his family in the face and tell them i just can't afford it now!
It's sad that we have a culture where people do things they cannot afford. He has to be a man in this issue and stand his ground. They can't force him to bring out money he doesn't have...period
She shouldn't talk to the family, No, she should pray like she is doing, God is able to turn the heart of kings.
And as per her inlaws coming and messing up in the house, that still lies in her husband's hands, he should stand up for his wife.
I wish her all the best and will say a prayer for her!
Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place!
First of all, being a non Nigerian and non- Igbo may seem like the reason why you have so many problems with your in laws, truth be told, when you have monster in laws they will find a reason to hate you and try to make you feel bad.
As for you, its not your place to tell his family off; he has to do that himself. Even if he does, it will be attributed to you anyways.
As for your husband, why in Gods' name is he dragging his feet? He needs to tell them asap that it has to be canceled or postponed. Don't let him talk you into it. If the pay is there to spare then, its all well and good they can have the bash but not with this situation you are faced with.
The only advise I can give you right now is to keep up with the prayers, while you cannot "tell your husband what to do", make sure he understands that you guys have priorities in your lives right now, and those have to be catered to first. As for your in laws; take heart, thank God they are married; what goes around will surely come around.
(sigh) i honestly do not know what to say. but i guess you and your hubby just have to put your feet down on this. you have to insist that you do not have anything for them. they will be mad, but they will get over it. hopefully. good luck with that.
Happy mothers day
I would not advice her to cuss out/interact with her in-laws like that.
her husband is the first and only son, and i assume when things were rosy he was obliging them their requests, so they have a hard time now that he isnt.
her husband has to be firm and let his mother know that he cannot afford it now. His sisters should step up to the plate, i mean there are 7 of them. He needs to firmly tell his mother that if she wants a 60th birthday, she needs to start talking to her other six children and he would contribute what he can.
It is how your husband presents you to his family that they would treat you. from reading between the lines, i dont think her husband is standing up to his sister to demand respect for her.
he does not have a mind of his own
helping family out is part of being Nigerian
but at a man's detriment-it is stupid
his mum MUST be hopping mad-she expects a person who just lost his job to finance a party%$#&^%$#
neways she(wife) should stay out of it but she should guard her money and his closely.....
Your husband needs to come to term with reality. I know some Nigerians believe in "our children must provide for us" mentality but if this is it has to be done with caution.
Your husand needs to understand that indulging these people will lead to more trouble for him, so he has to draw the line.
Pls try and kep your money out of this if you can...
If you guys into debt cuz of these pple, it's then you will know they will leave you low and dry!
Your husband needs to draw a line! Ecourage him to do what is right.
You know I started typing out one loooong comment and just realised I'll be saying the same thing friends in here have already said. Just talk to your hubby respectfully and persuasively. Never ever cuss your relatives. Not cool at all. After encouraging him and boosting his ego, let him go talk, fight, abuse, do anything to his family. That is none of your business. Just try to relax and be supportive...oh and remain beautiful for him...and oh, if he decides to go borrow just to make them happy, let that be his cup of tea. Make sure you are working and have some savings that you can use to take care of your children and yourself. When he comes to his senses, nobody will tell him or teach him how to put a foot down.
How you doing Solo?
Hmmmmmnnnn,
Not an unusual situation. It could happen to any of us in many disguises.
This is the time to grow. A time of growth. A time to take very tough decisions. A time, a man must be a man and equally a woman must be.
For the Wife: I would suggest you stay out of it. Talk only when spoken to and let it be few words.Be careful who you share your ideas with for they may come back to hunt you. This is the time to flood your husband with all the love in the world. Pray like it's all there is to do and work like there is no other alternative.
For the Husband: Man, this is it. This is one of the reasons why God made you a man, to be courageous enough to face the war. To be bold, sly and cunning to sweet talk your mother in understanding your situation.Forget your sisters for now, your main focus is your mum.If you win her to your side, your sisters will follow.
To the couple: This is the time to stick together like you have never been. It is a season which will definitely pass, try to crack jokes out of it and enjoy each other's company.
Prayer: I say Amen to all prayers that have been said for you and those that come from you.
Nice one SSD
taKia and God bless
My only addition is you should persuade your husband to go and ask his mother and sisters for money. Finish! If he tells them to start contributing to his welfare and he has run out of money, all this talk talk will stop. He should keep calling them, asking for money. You'll be surprised how quickly the party idea will evaporate. Certain situations call for unusual wisdom.
Well, my mother has to go through with this with my pops' family all the time. You have to stand your ground, sure you need to keep the family on side but now that your husband does not have a job, which family member is going to remember that they had been using him as the village tap? Abeg, do what is best for you and your family, talk to them and help them see that the timing is not the best and if they don't listen to soft talk, you gotta ignore them and see to the well being of your own family. People back home will bleed one dry if one allows.
Your husband doesn't even have a choice, except he wants to steal money. If there is no money, there is no money.
make him talk to his mother, explain to her that all this while, he has looked out for her, and just this once he is unable to fund her birthday and she flips? what happened to the love of a mother for her son? If she truly loves him, she wouldnt put him through all these stress. Make him understand that he has to look out for himself since the people around him dont even care about his well being. Why should he stress over this self? what sort of a mother would want to kill her child like this? Nawa oH, people of nowadays sha.
Plss dont delete my comment, i really do not mean to be rude.
x
Just one small point I want to clarify... Some people might say this is an Igbo thing and I'm defending them because I have links to that tribe but the truth is this:
The saviour complex (as I call it) arises not just in a particular culture or tribe but in any family situation where one member is deemed wealthier than all the others and where the parents and siblings continuously remain dependant on that wealthy one.
This dependence continues even when all members of the family are ideally supposed to stand on their own feet and squarely face their own troubles themselves.
I blame the lady's husband for (undoubtedly) throwing around his money and helping his relatives with (probably unrepaid) loans to the detriment of saving and taking care of his immediate nuclear family even now at a time he happens to have lost his job!
That he's still contemplating a birthday bash (no matter whom it is for) despite his financial dilemma makes me wonder how much of a saviour he has deceived himself into believing he is.
I'm not saying don't be generous, but the greatest generousity sometimes is by saying the simple words: I do not have...
The party issue aside, her husband should put his foot down and insist that his family be civil to his wife, especially in his home. They're supposed to be one! That's the main issue. They already see her as an intruder, so if it's not one thing, it'll be another.
And about the party, no money is no money, o tan! Abi should he kill himself?!
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