Hey people, the second installment of Talk To The Easier Crew Week begins. this issue was addressed directly to you all, so I just copied and pasted it for your suggestions. It is a tad bit long, but worth the read. Remember as always that we are all trying to offer the best advice, so let's get to it.
Dear Easier Crew:
I have been in a relationship for 5years now, AND in the first 2 years,we never had sex. After 2 years of dating, i felt comfortable with my boyfriend. He proposed and I said yes, even though i wasn't ready for marriage then. Not too long after,he said something about having waited enough for me, he's a young man that has been having sex since age 15,cos of me he stopped at 28. He was really upset and for someone that hardly got mad at me no matter what, I soon softened. Exactly on our 2nd year anniversary, i allowed him, i was very very scared but he made me relax.
He asked if i was safe and of course i thought that meant if i had a "disease" or something, i said yes. Of course i was silly, i wasn't and as God will have it,i got pregnant. I was very disappointed in myself, told him off, told him it was all his fault but he was the perfect gentleman, he thought we should just tell our parents so we could get married anyway since we already agreed to that previously,i refused because i just couldn't stand the shame so i terminated the pregnancy and of course had to read up all about sex and pregnancy.
We remained together and soon began to have sex more frequently. But, i didn't enjoy it because I was not satisfied. I have never ever come but what i am scared of most importantly is that he comes too soon. I actually spoke casually about it to a friend of mine and after her description, it feels like i have been suffering.
Now here comes the problem. I met this guy at a friend's wedding. 3 months down the line,we were very friendly and went clubbing. Later that night, we had sex and it was my best time ever. I must have come like a zillion times and he was all about ensuring my satisfaction. We continued at this for about a week before i decided to do rain check. Now my whole perspective of sex has changed. My boyfriend is like a joke to me, and he does not know how to make me happy in bed although he makes me happy in all other areas of life. I have not been promiscuous in my life but i have discovered i like sex, but not with my boyfriend.
I feel the honorable thing to do is explain that i cheated on him and break it off but it could go a lot of ways. I feel so guilty because he has stuck with me for 5 years. And, I do love him. I would like to tell him and have us work on it. But I once asked a long time ago what he would do if I ever cheated on him and he told me he would definitely break up with me. I am so confused.
So what do i do?
35 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
1stttt
@LG - no way i no gree...2 wks in a row...haba
Good sex but not with the boyfriend...lol
ok i went thru this...i broke up with my boyfriend but cos he was cheating on me...i've experienced better sex with everyone else since...why? becos my ex was a tosser...he is as selfish as they get in bed...
so...back to u
what i'm saying is if you love your bf stay but if something else is telling u he isn't 'the one' then break up...go out and play but you might find that the grass isn't greener, the experiences aren't richer and that u've lost 'the one'...cos sex aint everything!
p.s
please practice safe sex...always!!!
pp.s
men please learn to please your women...sex is about giving AND receiving
Good sex does not mean love babes...I should know cos I have had a million good sex scenarios..lol..
My advice is not to tell boyfie as them lesser sex people dont know how to take a joke especially when it has to do with another man encroaching on their territory....(they are like dogs)
Just gradually start doing the things that you feel will make sex more exciting and it will grow on its own..make sex fun with boyfie...laugh during sex when you fal off the bed and you will see wonders...
Leaving your bf or not should be dependent on how the other areas of your relationship are. In my experience though, problems with sex are usually symptomatic of other problems in a relationship.
It could also just be that bf is not experienced enough, maybe you guys need to discuss the issue and tell him your needs or even show him how to satisfy you and try to experiment together....only don't mention the issue in a wy that will make him feel a lesser man.
I would advice you to leave the other guy out of it for now. Remember, good sex does not a relationship make. Sex sometimes clouds ones judgement....
Practice safe sex o.
LOL @ Afro...and I agree good sex doesnt equate love! Well, dont i'd advice not to start singing your confessions, leave that to Usher. If you are leaving boyfie hope its because you're not happy in general, not because you want to be with that guy for the good sex...because good sex also doesnt equate to good relationship though sex is VVV Important in a relationship. So if you're to walk do it because you want to, and not jumping ship for another one! You could spice it up wiv boyfie too, make sure you take ur time so he doesnt come too quick..however if its not what you want anymore, then heey....
Side note - Shona cant stand bad sex...lol...
i dont even know wht to say. if she really truly loves current boyfi...she had better stick to him and then they can find a solution to the premature ejaculation thingy.maybe he could get medical help.
@shobedooooooooooo: norrin do mi shey?:)
Afro don talk her own, e remain FFF :)
I might be in the minority here and i might not exactly answer your question but my advice to you is to stop seeing the other guy completely...
Also stop having sex all together with boyfy. God created it for after marriage. It is a convenant between man and wife.
it is well.
you love boyf-sex is bad
you like friend-sex is good
introduce new things to boyf-tell him you've been reading up/movies and it's not that way between the two of you-tell him you've never *cum*
most men wanna prove they can make a woman *cum*
i hope he is open to your pleasure and you both discover new ways to pleasure urselves
ur pal-stop the shagging
pls pls pls
never be tempted to confess
men cant take it..........
erm ....sis...a million?????????-i must catch up o..........*wink*
OK I'm crazy late for work, but I can't stop my fingers from typing. Issues like this get me started, so I apologize in advance for the long rant, here goes ...
In my opinion, it's all a matter of priority. If you feel like good sex is very important to you, please do everything you can to make sure that you can enjoy it with BF b4 tying the knot. I know a friend who is also married, but was on the stewpid assumption that she will suddenly start having multiple orgasms once she gets married. Please do not confess to BF ooooooo x infinity! THEIR EGOS CANNOT HANDLE IT! If he doesn't break up with you right away, he will very soon. If he marries you, trust will always be an issue in your marriage. It's much worse than 'bad' sex!
Try everything you can to make sex work with BF. Introduce him to some new things, and show him how to pleasure you. It is every human being's right! If things don't work however, don't break up with him because the sex is not good, do it because 'sex IS important to you, and you are generally unhappy.
Wish you all the best babes!
I Cosgin with what is being said already. Also note that you can make Boyfie improve sexually. Men sometimes like to be told what to do especially when it comes to sex. If they know it would make you come(they have huge ego's like that). Leaving a relationship that is already great just because of the sex is not a good enough reason if my books. I believe you can teach him what you like and 2 years from now, you wont even rememeber you once had bad sex.. its all about talking about it!!..
My 50 cents..:)
I cosign with SHONA..MS O. CANNOTT STAND BAD SEX!!!! SHITS DISGUSTING!!!.lool
I agree with most posters: Do not tell him anything. It will unnecessary hurt him and you won't get much out of it.
Somehow while reading your post, I felt like there was some sort of residual resentment towards your boyfriend. The mind is a powerful object and if there's anything else that does not work in your relationship, it might prevent you from having a good time in bed.
Also, never ever leave a relationship for someone else. It's not fair to all parties involved, and most importantly to yourself. Leave a relationship because things are not working out and cannot be improved. If the grass is greener, it might be because there is a lot of doodoo underneath it.
Last, I also do believe in sexual chemistry between certain people and not others. I believe that's why religions are so steadfast on "no sex before marriage" because there are a greater number of chances you might end up not having it with your husband. To me, sex is very solid and important pillar of a relationship, but it's just one pillar. Love is the actual building. So when there's love, you can work on straightening out the pillars that do not work. Whether it is (gradually) teaching him what pleases you or finding a way to make it happen for yourself, just do it. If on the other hand, you feel like love has left the building, then do a thorough assessment and make sure you make decisions aligned with your spirit.
Take care!
oookay... I'm with aloted on this one..
God created sex for marriage, not before. She should stop having sex with boyfriend or new man friend.
Sex outside marriage is just looking and asking for trouble - full stop. Women are receptors, lets not even think about the spiritual dimension of what she receives every day she has sex with her boyfriend and then the new man friend!
If the lady understands what it means to be a christian, then repentance is the first thing to do here.
If she leaves the boyfriend, she would have had sex with him and then new man friend, and if that one leaves, then with the next one too.. it can go on and on and on.. hence God created sex just for the Husband and wife - and a man promising to marry a woman or vice versa, does not make it right yet, until they say the "I DO" before man and God, then it is legal in God's economy.
She should put a stop to all the sex. She is harming herself more than she could ever imagine....
God bless.. xx
I have to go with Aloted and Remi United Kingdom. The very best solution is to cut off all sex. It shouldn't have been started in the first place with either of them. Cutting of all sexual activities will clear your mind. After that, you can decide what you want to do (confess or not). Personally, I would prefer for my man to confess to me whatever he did. These things have a way of surfacing. If I should find out on my own, I'll definitely be ending it.
and like most people have said, sex isn't everything. I believe it is an important part of a marital union, but it shouldn't take priority. No1 was born amazing sex skills. The skills were learnt and mastered by practising.
That being said, why are you people not even married yet? I'm not a fan of long relationships or engagements. Unless you're not sure of the person you're with, there is no reason to keep "dating" for such a long time. 5 years??? Haba! Una for done born two pikins by now...
My two cents.
Ok, i'm with Aloted, Remi and Vera.
Having said that, sexual problems in a relationship can be worked on. So i don't think it's a good reason for leaving especially when the other person has no clue that you are not happy. However i suspect that there are other issues beyond sex here.
I feel that you should re-examine your relationship in general. I wonder why you really cheated. You couldn't have known beforehand that you would enjoy sex with the other guy so what motivated you to cheat anyway? Like Ms Sula said, there may lingering resentment towards your bf maybe because of the way you guys got intimate (not on your terms) and all that happened with the pregnancy after. It may also be that you are having cold feet or that you have changed your mind about marrying him, i don't know. You are the only one that can work it out. You shouldn't stay with someone you are not fully committed to out of guilt. It's not fair to either of you.
I echo Aloted, Remi, and Vera's comments. I'm not sure if this person is Christian, but if she is, then God will come first, and your body is important to God. Making a mistake does not mean you should continue in that mistake. Don't worry about saying "it's too late already," because God looks at the heart, not on what has already physically happened. Keep yourself pure until you guys are actually married. Tell him, and if he loves you He will be willing to wait (for you and for himself as well).
In addition to that, good sex has never equaled "Love" like everyone has said. Stick with the one you love, and you can teach each other how to love better (there's a lot of education out there on how to have better and oh-so-satisfying sex). So while you wait for marriage, if you do choose this option, learn about the many ways to have good sex.
you cannot fry ur cake and bake it too.
first u messed up by playing the away game and still hoping he wont leave you and stating u love him and all other bullmanure. u said u asked him once and he told u wat he would do. so ur actions are premeditated. shikena. so u not wanting to loose him is like crying over burned toast bread.
b4 playing the away game wat did u do to spice things up. did u mention to him that he wasnt hitting it right. how many handcuff sessions did u try. did u have him work the horizontal choke hold on u right b4 the frogback. sometimes initiating the moves to suit ur desires goes a long way, dont just lay there and have he run circles around u for 10sec and out. if u didnt try anything to help u reach ur nofly zone. then i'm sorry u r partly to blame.
theres no way he would know if u dont notify him, yes u might argue that the other guy didnt get told but that might be the problem. the other guy might hit it good bcos he only wants that and doesnt know when he wont be able to lay ur pipe no more. so he makes the best use of his time and he hit the right nerve in the process.
telling him might rip his heart out of him from the back, but if he is like me. he might prefare u do that than pissing down his back and telling him its raining.
read all the comments and realised that there is nothing i can say that hasnt already been said better.
But i think for you to be in a relationship with someone you should be comfortable with them and able to talk about anything, hence it shouldnt be difficult for you to try new stuff sexually with your man. Dont play them both though coz you might end up losing both of them
ok i might have blown a fuse or 20 with my earlier comment. blame it on the work day.
i have a few questions, do u see urself dating the other dude, is that why u got a raincheck? if yes, simply let the guy know the facts. sure he'll be hurt but then u wont be feeling the way u r currently feeling.
Wait...wait...wait...is she kidding me??? I don't know why but I'm taking this very personally...Ahn...how will you just KILL a baby...someone that God created like me and you...even if it was a mistake that she got pregnant and she didn't know what her boyfriend was asking her when he said "Are you safe?"
In fact him too, he's a mumu...safe that what? Abi they were not having sex before? So was she supposed to have been SECRETLY taking birth control or keeping female condoms on her table top? I don't even understand...
Even her sef, was the sex doing her like that that she could not stop and ask him if he had condom or ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE...See this is what I hate...really...
Even if she was scared about what her parents will say...the guy was going to stick with her through it all...The poor guy has now been with her for five years...FIVE...the rest of us will be looking for who will love us and she is saying things like "He is now a joke to me" all because of sex that really and truly she's not even supposed to having...Even if it was paining her like that that they weren't/aren't having good sex it's not like that's something that they can't work on....Scheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew...
I JUDGING HER FURIOUSLY....
Nigerians are now becoming very bold oh...Everyone will now ask me why I am judging her...YES I am judging her because it is people like her that will be setting bad examples for people like me...people like her and my ex-boyfriend that will be making you think that sex is do or die....like if you don't have that orgasm TODAY...it will all be over...people that only make it harder for the people that want to be celibate until marriage....people that will make the ones that want to keep themselves until marriage feel like they are doing the wrong thing....
In fact everyone should do and do and have their sex you hear? But I think that that girl is very silly and that EVERYTHING she did was extremely FOOLISH...That doesn't make her a bad person oh...She may be very good, I don't know but as for her actions, they are not to be tolerated or excused in my very humble opinion.
I am so MAD at her.
And that is MY 2 cents.
Say what you will.
hahahahahahaha
this is funny...she has to break up with him...it's the right thing to do
lmao
p.s: Abi it's orgasm that she wants??? If she leaves her boyfriend for this orgasm guy ehn....and they are not together FOREVER I will just vex....She will soon e-mail you again and I will just laugh...HER POOR BOYFRIEND will now be CRUSHED...and will not love anyone again...will not trust another woman again...will be SAD for a long time...all because...of what? IN FACT....let me stop now...
5 yrs is a long time to just give up a great relationship because of an orgasm! Its not always all about sex. Good sex can be created, although i think she should have waited till they got married since that was her conviction from the get go. Having an abortion was wrong and since they were gonna be married anyways she should have kept it. Her parents would have understood.
Calling her 5yr boyfriend a joke now is totally wrong and shows that she does not truly love her boyfriend.
When a girl has sex with a guy she truly loves, Sex would be always be good, not great but good, and with time, it could become great!
As she has cheated on him, its up to her if she can live with the guilt of being with her boyfie and nt telling him, or telling him and damning the consequences.
In all, she is wrong on every count. people need to sit down and think of what they truly think love is! Love would not let you cheat on your boyfie, not once, but for a whole week! Which kain love is dat, and then you call this same guy you love a joke?
Did she know she was unsatisfied with her sex life before she cheated? Is she even sure her guy is satisfied with their sex life? It's not fair to lay the blame 100% at his door.
If she decides to throw away a 5 year relationship for an orgasm then she only has herself to blame in future when she discovers that orgasm is not the be all and end all of a relationship. It seems she's even started losing respect for her guy and if her heart is not with him anymore she should free him to find his happiness elsewhere insted of "managing".
After 5 years together and now being engaged there's no excuse for not being able to sit down with her guy and discuss their sex life. But, she should first take time and decide if she still wants to be in a relationship with her guy. As for the other guy carry ya eye commot for there!!
She did not ask you folks to point out what she did wrong. I don't know why pple feel they can just judge like they've never done anything wrong.
my advice to u: stop seeing the other guy. tell bf u cheated, he might have said he would break up with u if u ever cheated but u can't be sure of what he will do until u actually tell him. he might forgive u. It's better that he knows cos u'll always have it on ur mind or he will simply find out somehow. U can talk abt the fact that u never came and there is always a way to solve that problem.
tell him u cheated shikena. i know i blew a fuse earlier but then we are all human. tell him not with the thot that if he leaves u, at least u have mr organism as backup. cos trust me mr organism is engaged at this point. ask me how i know, u'll find out when u see his wedding website in a few months. tell BF with the mind of working things out, he'll be hurt read bad. he might not have a heart no more but dat doesnt mean he wont still love u. u never know this test might make u guys stronger.
I beg to disagree with people who have said "sex is not everything".
Of course, sex is not everything in a relationship but i tell you it's about 50%.
The act of making love( as i like to put it) is very essential especially in marriage and i have heard of a lot of people who have gone out and cheated on their spouses because "sex was not good".
You better learn how to sexually satisfy ur better half else u would be throwing them out to the wolves.
Imagine a lifetime with someone who cannot satisfy u in bed and let u feel what God has set aside to be enjoyed..hmm, hmm, hmm not good...........
I feel one should be able to have something to look forward to in the bedroom and not consider it as torture or just a wham bam kinda thing.
Sorry if my comments rile anyone up but its just my own 2 kobo opinion.
I agree with you oh content. I was reading the comments and thinking to myself, what are all these people saying sef? Don't mean to be rude oh but sex is important!!!!!! Liking the sex is halfway there! I know!! If the sex is not good especially when you've experienced great sex then i am sorry oh. However, for me, i don't know about other women, sex is in my mind. If I love him then except he does something really stupid I will like it (insert sheepish smile) simple as that. I think she should examine her true feelings for her guy. What motivated the cheating in the first place? Is it really the sex or is it other things? I think she is falling out of love with her 5yr beau and has the itch now and is ready to explore. No need deceiving herself and saying she still loves him. No she loves the things he does for her or loves the idea of being engaged to him... that's my opinion or she's just scared of the unknown. She should tell herself the truth and let the poor dude go if he's not the one!
Confess if you want to, that one na beans; the real koko of the matter is, you don't respect this man, that's why you cheated on him in the first place, you probably don't love him and furthermore, you're sexually incompatible with this man! Biko, stop claiming him as a fiance and move on.
It's sad that you compromised yourself for him, but that's no reason to stay in what's sure to turn into a DOA marriage. I don't think... actually I know that God wouldn't give you a man that doesn't make you cum. That might seem vulgar but God is interested in having all of his children's needs fulfilled, including sexual (in the sanctity of marriage) ones. Take it as a life experience and wait for your Mr. Right to come.
Wow. Am just reading this. Incidentally,d topic was posted on my birthday (& 2 days after my wedding),so i wasn't anywhere near blogger. Rotflmao @ LG. Okay now,make i talk my own. First premature ejaculation is more often dan not a psychological defect & not a medical one so dez hope. A man usually needs 2 train himself 2 come @ d time his woman has reached her peak,therefore he needs d woman's active participation 2 know wen dat is. He no be winch. If d lady just lies there or fakes orgasm,dude might never know he's been fucking up. Also,trying several positions during love making help a man last longer. Dat side,chick needs 2 coach her man 2 please her & she'd need 2 be patient cos it might take some time b4 he masters it. Wen he does,she'd be a whole lot happier & it'd make dir relationship stronger. Abt weda or not 2 confess,i'd leave dat entirely 2 her 2 measure d extent of damage it'd have on d relationship. If she wants 2 remain wit her bf,den i'd say she should so they r no skeletons in dir cupboards
FFF I second most of ur points, but i agree wit Remi that it is a convenant btw man and woman so she should stop entirely if she is a christian.
She can teach him to pleasure her AFTER the wedding, and she should not let him go cos of sex.
Hmmm.. This remind me of something..
Actually me. Long ago. But I had to leave one for one cos I don't know how to date two people together. In my case, one was suffering from premature ejaculation and the other was ever ready... I like the first but I love the second better cos he listen to my needs.
Though sex is not the basis in a relationship. But believe me,sometimes we have people that are insatiable and often than not,they always end up with people who are not up to the task of satisfying them. But whats the point in staying one when you will be having your fun elsewhere?
To cut it short dearie and from what I've gathered from your story.I don't think you like your boyfriend well enough. Is more like you are tolerating him. If not, you would have discuss with him or tell him how to satisfy you.In my case I discussed with him but he said is because I'm a nympho(Imagine) He was not ready to listen to my needs nor make I change. So I choose the later.
So dearie.. I can only tell you to listen to ur heart. Whoever work best for you. All the best.
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