Thanks for stopping by to read and participate in TTTEC Week. If you are yet to read Dumped on Facebook, or the other issues discussed thsi week, please do so and join in the conversation.
Now on to today's issue.
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My husband and I have been married for 4 years. Before marriage, he used to take me out, buy me flowers, perfume, and teddy bears. He was always so attentive and treated me like a queen. Now, he hardly looks at me and for the last 3 years, he has never bought a single gift for me.
We have a 13 month old daughter and he refuses to carry her. He has never changed her diaper and will not even stay alone with her. Thank God for our nanny and our mothers who are always willing to come take care of her when needed. In fact, when he found out we were pregnant, he did not take the news well. You see, we had agreed to wait at least 3 years before having a child, but, for some reason, God decided differently and gave us this incredible girl. She is the love of my life and brings so much joy to me. He thought I was going back on our agreement even though I did no such thing.
I have talked to my mother about this and she has encouraged me to buy lingerie and pray. I have spent the last 3 years praying and nothing has changed. My drawers are full of lingerie, to no avail. His mother was of absolutely no help when I tried to talk to her. In fact, she chastised me for complaining about her son. She asked me if her son was put on earth to change diapers or buy me gifts. I never brought up the subject or any other dissatisfaction with her again.
My sister and her husband just celebrated their 7th wedding anniversary. Her husband is so attentive and he even cried at the party when he was giving a speech about her. I just sat there close to tears and for the first time, I regretted marrying my husband. I have asked him what is wrong and what it is he wants from me and he just refuses to talk to me about it. I am at my wits end.
What can I do to stop thinking that I made a mistake marrying my husband. What can I do to make my marriage better? I cannot even remember the last time my husband touched me and now, everyone keeps asking me when are we going to have another child. If only they knew that my husband has no interest in me anymore.
Please help.
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29 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
AWWW MY GOSH! I am not married so I cant really gove you any advice but uhmmm maybe I have one. Try and leave him for maybe a short while then would either teach him to pay more attention or it will bring whatever is going on out to the open! Goodluck dear.
wow that is a difficult one. I guess if the communication is not there, there is really noway you can know how to improve. Just keep praying. Hopefully everything works out.
Temite You again!!!
yes .like Ms O said..just keep praying 'cos that communication has to be there...he has to let you know wots goin on on in his mind favourable or otherwise..the from there you know ot next..isn't there an older male in his family seeing the the mother is of no help..this is serious
hmmm, that is the aspect of marriage i am scared of.Sweetheart, keep praying cos there is nothing God cannot do.
Dont get tired
P-Pray
U-until
S-Something
H-Happens
well, keep praying for starters, actually believing in it. and maybe a trial separation? oh i dont know! marriage is such a sensitive thing.
i have heard of similar things in the case of homosexuals getting married to have a 'beard'.
just be strong through it all...
Hi,i think u should talk to a man of God about it so he will pray and fast with you.its really very dicey,if u try to leave him now in hopes he will miss u,wat if he dosnt and things get worse??
its jus God oh!!
Wow! this is one of those cases where I am left speechless...as in jaw dropping speechless!
I mean where exactly did this woman go wrong...one would think? okay...she wasn't meant to get pregnant but she did...big deal get over it you would think abi...but see what happened to her...
Kai e fit be jazz o!ahn ahn 3yrs o!
Meen as a major novice in the marriage arena...I would say please keep praying...don't stop praying...
You really need to talk to someone your husband can and will listen to...your MIL is obviously out of the question...
All the best to you...
SSD, na wa o, these updates are even prompter than when you were at home...keep up the good work!
Now to the post at hand, you have only been married for 4 years, and in my opinion, it is silly of your husband to have blamed you for getting pregnant earlier than planned, afterall it takes two to tango.
Prayer is important, but it is not enough in this case IMHO. Has your behaviour changed since you got married? Were you once an independent, outgoing person and now you keep waiting for your husband to notice you? I advice you to get in touch with yourself again. Start going out and cultivating hobbies and friendships - not irresponsibly of course, but enough to keep you busy. Go on trips, do stuff with your daughter. Realise that the problem is probably with your husband and not you. Cheerfully ignore him a bit, I bet you'll catch his attention a bit. Even if it doesn't make him thaw towards you,you'll feel much better, and I bet you, your daughter too.
I'm not sure a trial separation at this stage will help you - from your post, I understand you want to keep this marriage. If you try all that I've suggested above and things don't improve, you can begin to think about a trial separation.
Also, don't care about what other people say or ask. When they get tired, they'll keep quiet. Very often, part of the reason why we are unhappy are the unrealistic expextations we allow others to place on us without them even knowing the full facts. And anyway, your daughter is just 13months old, enjoy her babyhood, there is time enough for another baby.
Sorry about the long post o.
you can still salvage this marriage
but you need to tell him how you feel
you may both go for counselling
wish u God's guidance
try to have a talk with him if he is still talking to you at least and if that fails, get someone he really respects OUTSIDE OF HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY (LIKE DON'T GET HIS MOTHER COS UNLESS THEY UNDERSTAND THE RUDIMENTS OF MARRIAGE THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND - most of these older generation treat marraige differently than what it should be), outside of his family to talk to him, or maybe an uncle or a friend he really really respects.
I feel your pain and I never quite know what to say to people when they are faced with similar situations. I have no wise words or ideas right now but one thing i do know is that things always have a way of working out. I suggest you keep talking to him about how you feel till you break that wall and get him to say what's eating him up. Don't let him rest until he talks. I am sure after that conversation you will know exactly what steps to take.
All the best dear and don't worry one day you'll look back at all this and smile. :)
i'm not married but you BOTH need to work on the communication... keep trying to talk to him... you BOTH have to hear each other...it can't be just u...not sure how to advice you to do this cos you seem to be on that path already... just don't give up... with every knock back...get up...smile...and try again...stay positive...for yours and your daughter's sake
keep praying...
p.s
i''m not surprised at his mother's response...they rarely like to hear such things about their sons because they think their generation had it harder...they probably did...
pp.s
wear your lingerie...it doesn't have to be for a special occasion...it doesn't have to be for him...maybe if he realises his dissmisive behaviour cannot get you down, he might loosen his steely resolve...maybe
try going for counselling.if he agrees tht is.....the counsellor might get him to say some of wht is on his mind....as in open up...he might also have some grudges or complaints abt u here and thr.afterall ur not perfect too.most of all pray.and i wish u the best.
This is a very tough nut to chew! I’m not married but this is one of the things that scares me about marriage. I’m seriously taking notes, and like Yoruba people say “Feyi ko gbon” (learn from this and be wiser)
I do agree with what Marin says about You, Your Behavior and Change. I sincerely implore you to get in touch with yourself again. Think about things that make you happy, Do things that make YOU happy. Happiness is really infectious…go for change as little as giving yourself a makeover (hairstyle, wardrobe etc). Think back at things that you did together and enjoyed, and reintroduce them in your life…even as little as the music you enjoyed together.
Yes, make him thaw towards you. Talk to him about random things you know he likes…be it soccer, cars or business, this way you can get him talking to you without any pressures about your relationship.
I think you should also consider seeing a professional marriage counselor. You can even go alone at first!
Stay strong and all the best.
Like poetically tainted said, keep knocking onhis wall until he opens up. If you persist, he will open up, give him no rest!
But also be prayerful because that action of persistence cld also send him away.
For your daughters sake, Love him more, regardless of his actions, smile more. God will change things around, I pray!
Nothing is impossible with God.
Don't give up.
Don't tell your friends your business. Friends have been known to pry too much and destroy a marriage.
Don't stop praying.
Make yourself happy...do things that make you happy.
Focus on your daughter and make sure she gets the best motherly love.
Don't regret your marriage. Everything will work together for your good.
Have faith in God, that He can cause impossible things to become possible.
I am so sorry about what u going through, at the same time, i know no one can really feel ur pain as u do.
I would love to give u advice right now and hope that things would get better but then there are so many things one has to consider.
1. What exactly makes him behave the way he does? Is he goin thru stuff to? Are there things u used to do that u stopped doing after u got married or had the baby?( trying to keep up ur looks, making him feel special as best as u can etc)
It all seems hard and unreasonable considering how much hard work being a wife and mother could be but i guess it all comes with the package called Marriage.
And then the final question that we all don't want to think about but we do is: IS HE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE?
We have to figure these questions out first before we can figure out a solution.
Ultimate thing right now is to try to talk to the one who made u and him and that is God Almighty and that will be one step in the right direction...Pls don't give up without a good fight.
PS: Been in the business for just 8 years...Its not an easy road.
let's see, u wanted to wait 3 yrs b4 having kids but u got pregnant after just 2 yrs. Did ur husband not know that u were not using protection or what? and even if u were, it's not 100% guaranteed.
I don't think the baby is the issue cos he started acting weird just after a yr into the marriage. I think he has some unresolved issues that u both seriously need to talk abt. U moving out will not make him realize all of a sudden that he needs u.
First, i take it this is not from you except my calculations fail me. Good. Well, marriage is not a bed of roses after all. I might
not be the best person to comment on this since i'm not married even
though i feel so sometimes (i have a girlfriend and a year-old daughter) but i believe the woman in question needs to go back to the roots. How were you when your husband met you? What were those things that attracted him to you? Were you cute, skinny and sexy back then? Were you much more lively back then? Compare then and now and if there are hardly any similarities, then you've got to work your way back to that old path. If there's been hardly any change, then . . .GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY!
It's a tough call but God will not give us more than we can bear, resolve it in your mind that there is nothing God cannot do and keep praying about it, not just out of desperation but out of faith and the fact that you know God can do anything...
I feel your pain and all will be well!
this is a tough one. i would have said talk to him, but then u already tried and he isnt listening. there should be someone he is totally close to, some he listens to and respects, maybe an older brother, uncle, friend, father? maybe u could talk to them and get them to referee a discussion between u and ur husband, maybe if they are present he would be more open or be forced to say what is on his mind and behave. God be with u!
Wow. This is deep. I'm not married but I don't think trial seperation is the answer at this point. PRAY, yes but not for God to open his eyes alone, but for God to give you the insight on what steps to take in making your marriage a loving and fulfiling one. If you have it in your mind you made a mistake, and your marriage is a failure, it is going to fail!
If he has a best friend or brother, you are close to maybe you can talk to this person to try to find out what's going on. Don't talk to the person for the purpose of reporting him, just tell them you want to find out what's going on with him and you're concerned. The person, if wise will know how to go about helping you out without adding gas to fire.
I agree... Your friend or even your sister might not be the best person to help you here.
I feel there is something going on he has not told you yet, I hate to believe it's just the fact that you got pregnant before 3 years.
As for the MIL: not surprised at all.
I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. I'm not married yet, but this scares me too. One thing I take comfort in is that when the troubles/worries of the world seem to be closing in on me, there's always someone I can run to, and that person is God. You have a relationship with Him. I know you've been praying and it seems like nothing is happening and you'd want an immediate solution. Something is definately happpening in the spirit realm. your prayers are gathering momentum. Please don't give up. God is fighting on your behalf. Your marriage is and will continue to be a testimony to others. Please, try to enjoy your beautiful daughter and yourself too. Try your best not to despise your husband. He'll definately come around. Just keep loving him and being a wife to him, though it's hard to love someone who does not seem too reciprocate. Please try not to worry too much, your marriage is blessed and are you, your spouse nad your children. You'll win this battle because God is fighting on your behalf. Take care of you.
Wow...I suggest you nguys sit or better still coerce him into a talk.. does he feel you reneged on ur promise to wait until three years because you wanted a baby badly? Did you express feelings of wanting a baby prior to the three year plan? If so, he may feel betrayed and we know guys are not so much into sharing..Talk to him, it may difficult convincing him that it was not intentional, if the above situation applies..but hold on and keep praying and do all the stuff he liked.. Therapy, is advisable too. Wishing u d best.
I just can't believe that a man is so self absorbed that he doesn't want to bond with his own seed... wow. Because the timing is off? Timing that he could have controlled easily by wearing a condom o!
When you got pregnant, did you totally shift your focus on your daughter? Because for some reason he seems to be jealous of his daughter.
My first instinct is telling me, it's another woman, heck it could be a man, because this is the world we live in these days, but then again maybe not. It's possible that the fantasy he had of married life is not matching his reality of married life, but he shouldn't be taking that out on you. His lack of interest in sex is bothersome to say the least, because even if a man has ten thousand women outside, if he's interested in staying in his marriage, he'll chook his wife too.
I'm going with everyone else's answer, PRAY. Some things we battle in the physical are actually spiritual and can only be solved when we involve that level too. In the meantime, raise your daughter the best way you can and try to remain positive about your marriage. Ndo.
Chei! The first thing that entered my mind was another woman. Sorry oh but thats what I thought of immediately.
Try and talk to him and ask him whats wrong. In the mean time, take care of yourself, enjoy your baby and don't bother about him. Just keep trying to communicate with him.
Good luck!
I am with Nu-breed and a number of other people on this..keep praying...because right now there isnt much u can do expect believe that God will touch his heart...and that things will turn around
keep being a good wife and pls wear the lingerie not just for him but for u,,..
it is well
Please carry on being a good wife. Firstly, never tell the mum in law about the son, unless it's compliments. Don't forget, he's her baby, so she would never believe any bad things about him.
Maybe if you waited to have the kid, things may have become difficult regarding conception, so never regret your daughter.
And don't compare hubby to other men. Some men might appear more loving in public, but you don't know what's going on behind closed doors.
Your husband's job might be really stressful, so he's not in a position to be as attentive.
Many men are better with kids as they grow older and avoid changing nappies as they feel it's not really their job.
It's hard, but just make out you're happy and only ask him if he's ok. Whenever he's home from work just give the meal, ask if he's ok & leave him be. You can buy him little gifts as well.
And like others have said here, pray for him and for the marriage. Also pray for God to show you the way. God will reveal what the issue is with time. If you see signs of what the issue may be, don't ignore the truth, no matter how uncomfortable.
You don't mention friends. Does he have any close friends? Get to know them and their wives, you may well find what's making him tick.
I thought of Kpakpando's reply but stopped myself thinking that way. I know we're African, but these strange people exist even in our society.
But don't ask him if there's someone else, please.
But since you're buying lingerie, I don't think you've let yourself go. Keep looking after yourself and looking glam. If you've not let yourself go, then you have to accept it's not your fault there's a problem, it's his.
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