TTTEC: UNGODLY ADDICTION PT. 2 UPDATED
Friday, November 28, 2008
First off, I must apologize for failing to respond to any comments from the last post. I have been busy with, amongst many things, talking with our reader from last week, Alice.
If you are not familiar with Alice's story, please read here. There is an easy link in that post to return to this post.
Alice has agreed to share some updates about their situation.
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Using the advice you gave me, I was able to have a discussion with my husband about the pictures I found on his computer. It was the most terrifying discussion I have ever had in my life and I know that I will never be the same. I asked my husband to tell me the truth about those photos and he didn't get upset, like you predicted. Instead, he burst into tears and was genuinely in pain for disappointing me and turning to those pictures for satisfaction. He almost seemed relieved to confess his addiction.
It was a very long conversation and he told me many things about his childhood that I never would have imagined. I find it hard to believe that such a thing could happen, but my husband has been the victim of sexual abuse.
Now I know that he was very young, around 6 or 7 years of age, the houseboy used to touch his private parts. It never went any further from there because the boy soon left the house. Unfortunately, things did not end for my husband there. Coming from a family of devout Catholics, he was very active in his church and was also victimized by a Priest. I heard about the scandal in the American Catholic churches when such allegations were made about the Priests, but I never ever thought such a thing was possible in Nigeria, and especially not in the Nigeria my husband and I were raised in. But, I guess I was wrong.
He swore to me that he has never touched a child and he has no idea where the idea to look at pictures of them came from. He deleted all of them in my presence and promised to not return to that behavior. My husband and I were up all night. When we could not find words, we cried instead.
I did not go to work the next day, as I was too tired to function and I needed time to myself. However, the more I thought about things, the more scared I became. What is going to happen to my marriage? I am very uncomfortable with change and worry that this new information has changed me forever and will change my marriage. Knowing that my husband did things with his Priest is very troubling and even disgusting to think about. I know he was a young boy and so was taken advantage of, but I asked him if he enjoyed any of it and although he said no, I know he was lying.
I do not know what the next step should be and I have no one to talk to. Please, what do you think I should do? Now that I know these things, my feelings are all over the place. I just wish things could go back to the way they were.
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MY THOUGHTS
Many of us on bloNGville, have, over the years, read the testimony of many fellow bloggers who were molested by househelps, drivers, uncles, teachers and ever strangers. This issue should not be new to us anymore. I have congratulated Alice for talking to her husband, but what the message above does not share is that Alice is not sure whether she can stay in her marriage. She now feels that she no longer knows her husband.
What are your thoughts? I know this matter is very heavy, but she has no one to talk to.
UPDATE: Alice just informed me that her husband refuses to get counseling of any kind. He does not want to go to his Church or any other specialist.
Also, if you have an issue that you need to get off your chest and want either the Easier Crew or myself to help you with, please send an email using WWW.KONTACTR.COM/SOLOMONSYDELLE and we will try to do our best to be of some help to you.
See you guys on Monday for tales about the boys and the young girls who already need some advise and help from the Senior Babe Network!
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November 28, 2008 10:03 AM
I am first. Wow, that hasnt happend in a long time
November 28, 2008 10:03 AM
am i first??its a lie..lol
November 28, 2008 10:03 AM
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November 28, 2008 10:06 AM
Wow, this is such a heavy topic and I don't feel at all equipped to advice Alice.
I do want to commend her for being brave enough to broach the topic with her husband and I'm glad that they were able to have a frank and honest conversation about it (and even cry about it). I can't imagine how difficult it must have been.
As to next steps, perhaps they could go to counselling and talk to someone who may be able to offer them some advice on how one moves on after finding out such news.
Although she feels like she no longer knows her husband, their talk is a good first step in getting to know him again...
November 28, 2008 10:07 AM
Hmmm..*muttering to self*'Some people live up to their names...Undacova sister for real..snuck in there!'..lol
Ok back to the issue at hand, I think Alice and her husband need to talk to a professional before she decides to walk out, yes this isnt what any woman wants to hear BUT he has a problem, would living him solve the problem?I doubt not, yes its easier said than done,but he needs her most now, these are the trying times. he was honest, relieved that he could talk to her about this, so I suggest now they talk to a therapist, about it all and the way forward. Her husband probably never told her before because he's ashamed of it all, and sometimes victims do think its their fault, and so Alice bailing out on him now, just wouldnt seem right...
November 28, 2008 10:15 AM
@shona vixen - sorry babes...looks like i beat you by mere seconds. Hahaha...
With regards to Alice's problem, i know several people will come on here and say things like you should pray etc etc. I am not knocking prayer at all, as i personally have a relationship with God and talk to him everyday. However, as the Bible says, Faith without works is dead.
You need to take practical steps.
I applaud you for speaking to your husband and can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you, but now you guys need to act, and act fast!
The human psyche is a curious thing. We can suppress feeelings and emotions all we want, avoid them, deny them, pretend events never happened (which is what i suspect your husband has been doing, due to no fault of his own as you rightly pointed out, he was abused and taken advantage of),but the thing is these feelings will eventually find an outlet. They never go away. They need to be confronted and dealt with. May i also add that they CANNOT be prayed away.
There are trained professionals who can help you deal with this as a couple. Thankfully, it sounds as if your husband really wants to face up to the matter. As you are both christians, you may (or may not) find it easier to speak to a christian counsellor/therapist about it.
Whichever way you choose to go, i strongly believe that you need to seek professional help. Also, whether you husband goes alone or you go as a couple is something you'll both need to decide, but the key thing i'm trying to get across is - seek help.
November 28, 2008 10:20 AM
Okay,am 1st 10 and proud.
I am glad u spoke to your husband,i am actually relieved cos half of the people thought he was molesting them,i didnt think so.
next step(coupled with prayers) of course is seeing a professional therapist,vows read for better for worse,this is d "for worse" part and i dont think its soooo "worse",it could have been "worst",hope u understand my blabberings.
Long and short is that,i feel relief with you and i'd like to let you know the worst is over.please stand by him oh,he even has a "genuine" excuse,we dont have therapy or stuff like dat in 9ja and its possible his folks dont know till date...dis is becoming a post!
tough love....xxxxx
November 28, 2008 10:53 AM
am completly with qmoney on this one Alice...
November 28, 2008 10:59 AM
Please Alice do not leave your husband. As a victim of the same thing he was subjected to, I can tell you that what he needs is not discrimination or to be victimized all over again and you leaving him at this moment will be doing that. Now, as long as he hasn't hurt any children/young adults please help him find his way in this maze of madness/confusion that surrounds him.
Once upon a time you promised that you will always walk beside him in the face of all trials and tribulations. Once upon a time he was your friend, the one you would, and did, do anything and everything to make sure he did not hurt.
Granted he purposely hid a very very painful part of his life from you. Granted he has hurt you by turning to someone else (or other people... young and innocent as they might be). You are confused and hurt by his actions ... but please believe me when I tell you that IT WAS NEVER ON PURPOSE.
We just do not know how to deal with this issues. We go through life pretending that it never happened. We drink, sleep, work, sex, to kill the pain and drive the confusion away. We do everything we know how just so that no one will call us DMAGED GOODS even though we are in a way damaged by the act of violence that happened to us.
We do this not only to protect ourselves but to protect those whom we love. Hiding this part of ourselves might be the wrong way to love the people we love, but then again even people who haven't been through what we have been through do the same .. hid the truth in the name of protecting their loved ones. Talkless of us who truly believe that we caused the harm that came our way.
If not for anything at all, stay with him and help him get on the road to recovering and reclaiming his real self. It won't be easy. You will hear more than you want to hear. Things will be revealed that will shatter the image of the perfect union you thought you had with him. You will question your own self, and your ability to make the right choices. But this is what life and love is all about. But God will see you both through, this much I believe.
You can choose to leave him. But I will caution, and beg, against that.
My heart goes out to you, and I pray for him that he will overcome this mountain. And I ask God to give you the strength you need to make and stick with the right choice.
November 28, 2008 11:40 AM
A great man once asked me several personal questions. I thought how rude it was of him to intrude and want me to expose my nicely hidden confused self to the public, to him. And even though I loved him, I was not ready to share that information. Afterall, it is in the past, and past has been forgiven and has been thrown into the sea of transgression, never to be remembered by God again. And because of this knowledge, many of us believers in Christ, sometimes go into relationships without digging up the past and making it bare to our intended spouses.
Problem there in lie, that there is nothing hidden that will never one day surface, no matter how hard its hidden, and with this new found knowledge, the very base, the foundation of which the realtionship was built starts to crumble, because the foundation was not solid, and the truth that should have been out, which once left inside, would start to sow seeds of doubts, and that when the greatest battles / challenges in ones marriage begins.
The problem their in lie, TRUST which once gone is impossible to get back. Betrayal a very terrible thing to happen in any relationship, not to be wished upon anyone.
Hatred also starts to creep in, the person starts to feel, an injustice has been done to them. The realtionship has now ireevovably broken down, and there is no where else to go. The end nearer that one can imagine.
Alice in all sense of the word, nothing can be done to your relationship. You can no longer fight for it, because the foundation was based on falsehood. Therefore, the only thing you can do is to look past this relationship and back to God.
This is not a time to show any sign of weakness. This is a time to seek the face of the Lord, and find out for yourself, where you went wrong, retrace your steps and seek the solution. This is the time to be spiritually alert, you see becasue God is light, and only His light can guide you out of the darkness. And as christian, and his child, you should never be tired of hearing His voice. Because your life and the future of your daughter is lying in the balance. Faith without action is dead. This is not a time to "say it will be well" this is a time to hear God say "it will be well". This is a time to find out the practical solutions you need.
becasue like the isrealite, they didn't just find themslves in the land of cannan after their difficult times, no a certain man moses had to go several times to speak the word of the Lord, and decree and declare the word of the Lord to the egyptian king. And even after they came out, the journey to the land was never an easy one.
This is not the time to throw a pitty party, and add confussion to worry to your already worried mind. This is a time to make up your mind, like Jacob did, and refuse to let go of the Lord until He shows you what you should do.
I came through a painful situation, and I am now on the other side. Go back to the Lord, only He has the answers, and can calm your troubled mind. he did mine, and he is more than able to do the same to yours.
Seek Him as if your life depends on it. Which I'm afraid my dear it really is.
May the God of peace comfort you and strenghten you through this time. For I know that this too shall soon pass. make up your mind, and go to Him.
November 28, 2008 11:48 AM
for He has all the answers, and is a restorer of everything that was damged, stollen or lost. He is indeed a rebuilder, and gives hope to the hopless. He is a transformer of dead things to life, for he is able to bring life to any dead situation or marriage. I know It is not His will for marriages to be broken, and He hates divorce. But He only has the answers. No councellor, or therapist can. And no matter how much you discuss the situations, if God is not in the process is done in vain. Seek Him now, whilst he may be found.
November 28, 2008 12:34 PM
I think everyone has said all I waned to say. Just talk to a professional. Be it either a professional via your church or elsewhere. Be strong girl. Imagine if you left him right now, How would he feel?
November 28, 2008 12:40 PM
I know it's a trying period for Alice but I feel she should stand by her husband at this point in time as difficult as that may be.(I'll quickly chip in here that it'll take much grace!!!...I can't imagine what she's going through!!!)...
I'm really glad she spoke to her husband about it...They should seek help externally(trusted source I should say)and Alice should still keep praying about it...after all the good book said we should "pray without ceasing"...
November 28, 2008 12:43 PM
I am with Uzor and Nolimit on this.
Nolimit has said what I would have said and I think Uzor has brought in another perspective that might help you see it from your husband's POV.
November 28, 2008 12:53 PM
I agree with everyone talking about counselling.
One thing Alice needs to know is that part of the issue with being abused as a child - is the mixed feelings that come along with it.
I pray to God they are able to talk things out and that Alice doesn't punish her husband for being abused in the past.
-Looking towards a normal future for him and protecting the kids and her marriage should be what's on her mind.
November 28, 2008 1:10 PM
You have constantly been checking up on me and I appreciate that...I guess its the motherly traits, but thank you anyway, I feel bad enough.
I have tests and essays looming over my head but that isn't why I've really been away, but it still suffices for an explanation, (I hope).
I shall be back, soon!!
Thanks alot!!!
November 28, 2008 1:54 PM
I'm so sorry, Alice.
I absolutely agree with Uzor on this. Now is not the time to leave him. You promised to stick by him in trying times. Now that the storm is here, it's a chance to test the vows you took back then, and weather the storm. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I pray for strenght for you during this trying time.
November 28, 2008 2:15 PM
I think its great that Alice spoke to her husband about it. Its also great that he confessed about everything that had happened and I think it shows that he felt he could trust his wife enough to do the right thing, and that he was ready to get this entire fiasco behind him. Like Uzor said, its not easy but leaving him at this time would not be the best for either of them. It is a great weight on her shoulders but this is a time to truly find out that God carries us when our burdens are too hard to bear. So like others have said, counselling, much prayer, and reading would help.
On another note, it is a criminal offence to possess child pornography, and even though the pictures were deleted from their computer, they can be retrieved, and used against Alice and her husband in a court of law. Alice's husband would definitely go to jail, and be listed in the national pedophile database if this is exposed so I would advise these:
1. Alice should take out the hard drive from their computer and physically destroy it - by using a hammer and smashing it to bits. (And I'm deathly serious), or
2. Putting the hard drive in a safety deposit box for possible retrieval in the unfortunate event that he has actually committed any pedophilic act.
So in short, they need a new hard drive for that computer in their house, if not this situation could come back to bite them in a terrible way. A dude in Tennessee was just jailed for possession and distribution of child pornography.
November 28, 2008 2:26 PM
oh wow. this is so hard, but alice is so strong for having talked to him.
thank God for his response, that it was calm, and honest, and remorseful.
now she can only hope in the Lord, and pray fervently and without ceasing.
like ssd said, on blogville we have heard and read from so many abused victims, and what is clear is that the greatest guilt stems from the victims possible enjoyment of the abuse. that only happens because we are flesh, and so respond to things of the flesh.
it's not his fault, the only reason he denied enjoying it -if he really did- is so as not to make her see him in the same light as she would the abusers, because thats what tends to happen.
it doesnt change who he is just because u've found out- it's always been a part of him, just hidden from the surface... if you had a secret, would letting it out make you a different person?
be patient, be prayerful, and turn to the Lord for guidance.
November 28, 2008 4:36 PM
mhen see long comments..what will i say now...
me thinks the best way for them to overcome this is if they see someone together, cos they both need to recover from this..
they cant recover "alone" otherwise they would be recovering as separated...she and her husband should work out a way to to this..if he is too embarassed, then they should go to another town close by to see the pastor or psyhcologist...never leave God out of the whole process who no matter what you do..being "naked" before each other should even be something to make ur bond stronger just as physical nakedness fosters intimacy..peace
November 28, 2008 7:27 PM
Alice
This is not easy to deal with, i know. However he confessed, he apologised, he admitted his past and he opened the door that only you has the key to.
The kind of trauma a person goes through when they are abused..especially at the age your husband was leaves wounds that run deep to the bone. Healing is a lonely long road...
Your husband MUST get help otherwise he will never know how deep his wounds lie. It won't be easy but its necessary
You are angry and you feel betrayed by his actions...however ask yourself this. Do you love him? Truly and unconditionally?
If yes..don't let him go. Now that the flood gates are open, you have to hold on to each other.
Its not for better for worse for nothing. All i know is don't lose sight of the fact that nothing can be overcome. Nothing.
Am sure people will be quoting realms of pages from the bible...but who but God is most forgiving??
Alice, don't lose faith..in your husband.
November 28, 2008 7:59 PM
Alice, I do not believe you ever went wrong.
Saying that you went wrong at some point implies that you didn't marry the right person because if you did you wouldn't be facing this situation.
Horrible things happen in this world every one millionth second of every second of the day. Did your husband do anything to deserve having his innocence ripped from him so violently? Was he wrong because, maybe, at one point his body betrayed him into experiencing pleasure brought about via sexual abuse? NO, NO, NO.
So also did you not do anything wrong by falling in love and marrying a man who by your account is perfect ... except for 3 things;
1). He was abused
2). He did not tell you about it before you married him, and hence denied you the option of opting out if you had so decided at the initial phase.
3). His past has influenced him into carrying out A HORRID HORRID action (downloading pictures of young innocent children).
1 and 2 do not justify 3. In short nothing in this case makes sense, is right, or can be justified ... that is the truth of the matter.
If anyone is wrong ... it is the he's/she's that perpetuate violence against children and adults everyday.
ALICE, hear me when I say THIS NOT YOUR FAULT! So when as you pray to God, know that he will never put you in a situation that you cannot handle. he God I serve is not a God of unjust punishment. He is a merciful, compassionate, and just God.
November 29, 2008 7:07 AM
Child pornography is a grevious crime. Just this morning i read of a lawyer sentenced to 6 years in jail for downloading such stuff. So whatever else there is, be aware of the criminal repercussions that could arise for both of you from this.
You say that he has refused to go to counselling. IMO, there is no future for both of you without counselling. I think you should determine to leave unless he shows some willingness to confront his past. Not only did he betray your trust, there is also the issue of the safety of your daughter. You cannot as a responsible mother leave her alone in the company of a man who has such issues and is doing nothing about it. Imagine your reaction if this had been your child's nanny or teacher caught with such material.
Of course, he was a victim of terrible abuse but that does not justify failure to act. To stem this vicious cycle, you both need to act decisively. In my mind, the choice is as simple as this: he goes to counselling or you leave with your child. And in this case, i think he needs individual counselling to deal with his childhood and you both need couples' counselling to deal with the trust issues this has created in your marriage.
Do not rely on him saying that he has changed without any evidence of effort on his part and even then you should still be wary. You might regret it otherwise. Shame and remorse were never enough to make people give up bad habits. If they were, we would have no problems with former alcoholics having the occasional drink.
I understand that you wouldn't want to turn your back on him at such a time and i commend that. But there are limits to what is reasonable and i am not of the belief that you must stick with a marriage no matter what. You stick with something that is worth saving and it is up to him to show you that he is really interested in saving your family.
November 29, 2008 9:44 AM
This is so touching. For a moment I wished it was a lie.
Alice's husband has suffered too. It takes courage to open up like that. As human beings, somewhere in us searches for love that is, someone accepting us for who we are. Love can change anything.
I'd suggest that Alice prays for her husband. There is so much power in a praying wife. She should also not distant herself away from him because he needs her at this point in time.
God has the heart of Kings in His hands. Alice would be amazed at the changes she will see in her husband when she starts to pray. He might end up asking her to take him to meet a counsellor.
November 29, 2008 9:48 AM
@Solomonsydelle: In case I never told you, I admire you and what you write about. Thank you and God bless for creating the TTEC.
November 29, 2008 11:49 AM
Alice,
When I first read your story my heart melted; not just becos of how heartbreaking it is. This situation can happen to anyone no matter how God fearing or moral we think we are.
I’m really happy you talked to your husband about it. It definitely must have been terrifying and gut retching…but YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. God bless your heart. It’s the first step forward
You need all the help you can get but from the right place. You’ve been a victim. No matter how you twist and turn it, everything you’ve built and known in your life has been changed by this. You have changed. Yes, it has changed some aspect of your life forever. However, leaving your husband now would not solve anything.
He may not agree to seek help at first, but I think YOU have to. Yes, Alone. A professional would tell you…and help you find the right path to approach this change in life as you’ve known it. I believe in God, the church and the power of prayer but alongside you need the assistance of a qualified professional. Why? Because of the potential legal ramifications in this situation, plus you have to work every angle to save your marriage and the future of your child.
Also, be careful who you discuss this with. I say this because sometime people tend to hurt rather than help. My former pastor reveled to me some intimate details about the marriage of a very close friend of mine. I put myself in her place: I certainly would not want such things to be told even to close friends.
I love this forum. I know the things I see here have helped me. I commend everyone that takes the time to sit, read and make comments.
Alice, all the best; I’ll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.
@ Solo: I know I OWE YOU A CALL.
November 29, 2008 12:06 PM
i've learnt to let go and let God in every situation. i dont expect that Alice would find it easy but she needs to always remember her vows and pray strongly. i can understand why her husband doesn't want to seek help (shame and all what not) but she really needs to stand in the gap for him in prayer.
November 29, 2008 1:27 PM
TRUTH: The man is a paedophile. Case closed.
It is unfortunate that this terrible circle of child abuse has continued with him. His abusers were probably all abused as children as well. The question is: who will break this circle? Will the circle continue with her daughter or shall it be broken here?
Those that do not see this as a crime, where the hell do you think such pictures are found? Do you think parents have pictures of their kids naked that they put up on the internet? Most of the kids in such pictures are kidnapped or trafficked from all over the world. Most of them are sold to paedophiles who in turn not only molest them but make money by selling naked pictures of them to people like Alice's husband.
As a mother somewhere cries for the loss of her child, a man somewhere jerks off to the picture of the same child. I wonder how any of us would feel to see a grown man jerking off to a picture of our innocent son?
Get out of there and report him to the police. If you do not do that, you are an accomplice to this disgusting and heinous crime. He is never going to get help if he is not forced.
Get your daughter out of there.
November 30, 2008 3:20 PM
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November 30, 2008 3:24 PM
it is sad that he was molested as a child and I want to cry for his abuse as a child but his behaviour as an adult will not let me.
His abuse does not justify what he has done. one should never continue the circle…viewing the pics encourages other monsters to keep molesting kids and putting their pics up. wrong.
there is absolutely no reason for anybody to have pictures of naked children. none at all.
i agree with UCS that you both need counselling… professional help… but i also completely agree with baraal's approach to the way 4ward. i suggest that the counselling is something he goes to for a very long time
i know i should try and be positive 4 u but i am very scared 4 u, 4 your daughter, for anybody's child that might want to sleep over at yours.
To be honest I think you must never allow another child to stay at your house. I say this bcos a good friend of mine was molested by her uncle…her sister too…all the years they were in his care but didn't touch his own children
you are going to always going to be on the lookout for signs…4 the rest of your life…it will put a strain on your relationship…but I implore u that pls whatever u do… just protect the your child and all other innocent children trusted to your care when they come over to your house…
i wish u God's Wisdom and his strength on this matter.
November 30, 2008 3:45 PM
need to go back and read the whole story for me to leave a meaningful comment
BUT nothing justifies child pornography
It is a henious evil crimewhether he was abused or not
The fact that he wont even get help to stop wants to think he doesnt want to stop.
There is no way he should be allowed anywhere near any children.
November 30, 2008 4:58 PM
Nigerian men don't do counseling..they do church..unfortunately in this case the church is part of the problem...I really don't think Alice should leave her husband just cos she saw naked pictures...I stare at sexual pictures all day...doesn't make me a porn star does it???
sit ur ass down Alice!!!
November 30, 2008 5:39 PM
@afrobabe: sister, did you read the whole story? He looks at pictures of NAKED CHILDREN, BOYS!!!
November 30, 2008 6:00 PM
what is wrong is wrong. I think many christians need to re evaluate their morals.
very soon people would be saying that if you find out your husband is a killer, you should remember "for better for worse", destroy the evidence, etc...
Na wah oh, is it not the same Bible that preaches HONESTY?
I wonder now how many people would stop a crime if they ever had the chance...
a pity...
December 1, 2008 6:15 AM
Alice remember your vows ok? and stick with him.
I beleive in Miracles thru prayers, so dear pray for him.
December 1, 2008 6:22 AM
I think Alice shouldnt jump to a drastic conclusion that would only go further to strain her marriage.
If there is one thing I've come to understand in marriage is that till our dying day, we'll keep discovering new things about our spouses. Rather than feel bad about the discovery, Alice should feel happy that she has discovered something thats hidden. It is also up to her to create an atmosphere that will allow her hubby to be more open to her.
He probably didnt tell her about it because he was ashamed. And it wasnt his fault, he was a victim of abuse.
Human beings are complex creatures and we keep discovering new things about ourselves each day. Its not about how bad the discoveries are but how we are able to manage the situation and forge ahead.
No human being is perfect. We all have our secrets and for Alice to decide she can't stand with her man again would be a wrong decision. He can still turn out to be the best husband she'll ever have. Its up to her to decide to let that happen or not. If she leaves him and meets another person, this next person will also have a secret. What if its worse than the one she discovered?
Alice should have this at the nack of her mind...IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
To say you dont think you know your hubby anymore is wrong because you've actually known him better than before you went through that computer.
December 1, 2008 7:14 AM
Hi solomonsydelle :) gosh i've missed your blog...thanks for checking up on me, I am great!
..this lady's story is touching...
first Christ has the ability to heal every type of wound..
second, sexual abuse causes ripples in one's life that no human understanding can understand and only God has the ability to heal...her husband needs SUPPORT..i understand how it feels to feel betrayed but at this time, it is not about HER but about HIM, as difficult as that sounds...because the initial wound started from him and that caused this pain for her now, so they need to help him...prayers and counselling...one encounter with the Holy Spirit is all they really need...
thirdly, for alice. pray for healing for yourself. because you need trust in your marriage..you dont want a half-empty (pessimistic) marriage and you dont just want to 'stick around' because you said I DO, you want to ENJOY MARRIAGE, and Jesus can heal every.single.hurt.
...be there for your husband and dont use this against him at any point. its hard to get men to open up sometimes, now that he has, you dont want him to close up on you.
I pray that God will help you work this out.
December 1, 2008 7:18 AM
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December 1, 2008 7:18 AM
one last thing...
imagine if your was your brother, born to your father and mother, and he came to confess to you about something like this...you would not leave him, you would try your best possible way to help him out..because he is blood...
well the thing is. your husband is closer to you (or is supposed to be) than your brother. dont treat him like a stranger. only the circumstances are strange.
December 1, 2008 1:32 PM
Gosh, i feel so terrible for her....
Thank God she talked to him. Counselling would have helped a great deal but he doesnt want that..so i guess all she can do is keep fasting and praying FERVENTLY. God will see her through, amen.
December 1, 2008 4:17 PM
Like Baraal said, I would like Alice to think about what she would have done, had it been a teacher or a nanny in that case. Even after the confession of abuse, I am sure 95% of the comments would heva been asking for the person's head.
Why is this case any different? Because they are married? A crime is a crime is a crime.
I would have recommended counseling for both of you, but he doesn't even want to go to counseling. To me that spells irresponsibility.
I understand the trememdous amount of psychologic despair being abused as a child can bring to one. I should know.
But to perpetuate the behavior using this as an excuse and/or crutch is not the solution.
Protect your daughter. Do not allow ANY children to come to the house EVER. I have seen too many lives broken because kids have been abused (i.e that of your husband)
He need counseling. And child pornography REMAINS a crime even when committed by our loved ones.
December 2, 2008 3:10 AM
Re: the update.
It sounds like Alice's husband is going back into denial mode. As i said in my earlier comment, the is only, and can only ever be a temporary solution. His feelings will once again find an outlet all by themselves as has just happened.
At this stage he's probably telling himself that he can handle it. He can't...they will surface again and probably catch him unawares once more.
As others have pointed out, child pornography is a crime. In this country (UK) just possessing images of children is considered to be paedophilia, which is why i used that word previously. Any which way, it is a crime. God forbid, it progresses to something more serious, but whilst i hate to be a prophet of doom, if he doesnt get help, it will happen again.
Whatever decision Alice now makes has to be based on the information at hand i.e. he is refusing to get help for his problem
December 2, 2008 10:04 AM
i couldn't possibly have anything to contribute here as i've never been in such a situation. anything i say here may not help. i guess all i can suggest is 4 her to now actively seek d face of God more than anything else
December 3, 2008 9:25 AM
Alice neds to seek help
his past is not enuff reason to leave ur hubby........
help him......