Hey, Easier family. This week's issue is quite heavy. It involves a sensitive subject and although I have expressed my own concerns and suggestions to the reader, it is your turn to chime in. Please give this reader your advice, suggestions and support. She is going through a very difficult time.
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My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Recently, I used my husband's computer and discovered that he has a dark secret.
While using his computer, I came upon some funny pictures of very young children. Many of them were naked and most of them were boys. I do not know why my husband would have such photographs on the home computer, but there are many of them and I am very confused. We have had a good marriage and I always thought we were a happy family. We are devout Christians and play leadership roles in our church. Why is this happening?
What am I supposed to do? I have no one to talk to and I cannot tell anyone I know about this because of the shame and embarassment it would bring to our family. I know he would never do anything to harm our daughter, but I do not feel comfortable leaving him with her anymore.
Please, help me.
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I shall repeat my general stance on child pornography so that there is no confusion. As child pornography is a crime, I believe that people who partake in that vice should spend their time in jail. Now, I know that this reader is loathe to turn her husband in to the cops, but, unless she is willing to confront him (which she refuses to do) and help him change his ways (if possible), I do not see what other options there are.
The reader (let's call her Alice) is unsure whether to leave her husband over this issue. I have encouraged her to make a quick decision about what she is going to do, not just for herself and her daughter, but for any future children that could be victims. This is a serious issue, so please tread gently as you offer your opinions.
Thanks and God bless.
UPDATE: Based on the comments below, it appears that a few have used "pedophilia" to describe Alice's husband's 'condition'. I just have to remind us all that there is no evidence of pedophilia. Alice only found pictures of young boys on the computer.
UPDATE 2: There is now more information on this situation and can be found here.
46 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
First, let me claim FIRSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
that being said,lol, I dont think she should leave her husband over the issue. Obviously he has a problem, and she made a vow to be with him for better for worse.
I also don't think he's going to do anything to their daughter, but he needs help.
I'm sure she doesnt want to see her husband in jail, so she needs to talk to him about it. get him to seek medical and spiritual help.
above all, she should pray for/with him.
PS: the fact that they are leaders in church doesnt say anything, we are not all perfect human beings. the church isn't perfect either.
BUMIGHT - GO AND STUDY!!!
Bumight is first again?! I'm suspecting ojoro. I'm going 2 bed!
**Vera storms off, angry!!!**
She will be back 2 properly comment after she gets some sleep. It's currently 2:43 AM
Wow. This really is heavy. My stance on peadophiles is very similar to SSD's. It is a ugly and vile crime and should be punished accordingly.
I'm not saying Alice's husband is one, but that's just it - neither can she at this stage because she has not confronted him, nor the issue with what she knows. All i can say is she really needs to do that as soon as possible. Until then, its difficult for anyone to offfer any constructive advice
she needs to ask him whats up with the pictures
hopefully he tells her the truth
then they need to find him help
bumight, what time do you study??hunh??
Hmmm, she really should ask her husband why he so many pictures on his computer...then she needs to come back and tell us his reason(s)
She needs to PRAY!!! Then confront her husband and help him work through this major issue 'cos that's what it is...turning him to the police won't do him any good...he'll just get locked up to get released and continue from where he stopped!But if she refuses to confront and help the man...sooner or later,he'll be found out...and his sorry behind will be very jailed thank you!...now that is the HS speaking...now me for me will say...burn him on the stakes and let him rot in hell...(okay I know that is mean)...plus him being a leader in church don't mean nothing...he is still human and prone to fall...
She needs to speak to her husband, get more details. They then need to seek help.
I hear that there are always stages to reacting to something.
My 1st reaction to dis one is "denial",i think she should ask him 1st y d pics are there,maybe ,just maybe its not wat we think,now if it is!
they have to pray about it oh then doesnt he need professional help or something?i wont feel safe leaving him with my daughter too,most times "child abusers"are close family members....daddys..uncles...family friends..someone the child is usually comfortable with.so she needs to get help.keepin quiet is NOT an option
First and foremost, PRAY about it, He'll guide your steps...this is the worse position to ever find yourself in.
Hubby is a paedophile, end of. No need to pussyfoot around the issue, wonder about their position in church or remember wedding vows - didnt he make the vows too???
She needs to confront him about the pictures - his actions will confirm what she needs to do next. Just because it's little boys in the pictures now, doesnt mean he also cant try something with his daughter, most abusers are usually people close to us...better safe than sorry.
oh man! She's got to have a talk with her husband, or else, she must start feeling comfortable about leaving her daughter with him.
Sound harsh?
Nope. If you don't trust someone, why on earth would you torture yourself by pretending everything's alright, while at the same time becoming unnecessarily paranoid. It's not worth it.
Talk to him about it. The truth is not always be fun to hear, but a problem talked about is a problem half-solved.
Alice, pray pray pray...there is no problem beyond God..ask God for widsom on how to address this. you have to talk to your husband about it..if not it might only get worse- trust issues to say the least.
It is well!
i'm going to keep this simple.
report him to the police.
take the computer to the police and report him ...
innocent children need to be protected from this...
please just report him to the police
I know Alice just wants to leave quietly but the most heinous crimes in this world have been committed because people have stayed silent!
Please Alice help protect other children…report him to the police
make comments about paedophiles and how u would feed such person arsenic or rat poison if u found one while he is around, fake it like u r on the fone with someone.
pull him closer, talk to him, not in a confrontational way though. the bobo go just blow fuse and use that as u know. by the way if he makes too much noise, tell him u r heading out to your precinct, u have a meeting with officer in charge of child welfare.
Alice needs to talk to her husband and quietly (with his consent)seek help for him.
Pray seriously for him also, and hopefully he wld change. But i dont think she should leave him unless he becomes a SERIOUS threat to their child which he isnt.
@ ChiefO...that is her husband, Which she has loved (i hope) and has a kid with. Just handing him to the cops because he blows a fuse isnt gonna change him or make anything better.Of course he will get mad, which really isnt anger but embarrasment, so its not wise to just call the cops when he does. i think your suggestion although sensible is a little harsh for a first time confrontation.
I don't think simply handing him to the police would be a smart thing to do. this is her husband, not some random guy in the street. she has to face her fears and talk to him about it. you'll be surprised that maybe he's been looking for a way out of the addiction and has been too embarassed to say anything.
i for one think that since he just let his wife use his computer without hiding stuff and putting passwords on some of his files, he would be able to come out with it. if she takes him straight to the police and it turns out differently nko? She won't be able to forgive herself. Think about how that kind of exposure would marr her life and that of her daughter. If she talks to him, and he refuses to do something about it, that's grounds for police involvement, and leaving her husband if she so chooses.
At this point, there isn't any conclusive evidence that this guy is a pedophile. I'm guessing since she didn't say what kinda job he does, we can't simply dismiss it as research. At the same time, she did not state that only she and her husband have access to that particular computer.
I think Alice shld confront him first cos it's not like things can ever be the same anymore. She shld watch out for him and pls get rid of the thot that he cannot do anything to his own daughter cos that has happened on several occasions.
What does she mean she doesn't know why he would have such pictures? Is there any plausible reason in this world to have pictures like that? Abeg if they're any, someoen should tell me o, because I don't know of a single one. If she doesn't feel comfortbale leaving her child alone with the father, then on some level she does in fact fear what he's capable of doing to their child.
Alice needs to ask him about the pictures, and also report the crime to the police. Possesion of child pornography is a crime; shame ko, embarassment ni. She better do right by her child, herself, her family and other children out there.
Gosh I can only imagine if his secret has escalated past pictures and turned into actual assault; what if Alice has neices and nephews that have been touched by this guy? Imagine the lives he could be shattering while she's worried about shame and embarassment.
I believe that Alice knows what to do in her heart of hearts, since she's a devout Christian. Alice while you're praying, you also need to be protecting the children and do the right thing.
SSD, I don't think it's fair for us not to use the term pedophilia if the woman saw NAKED PICS OF LITTLE BOYS on her husband's computer. I guess I'll have to keep my comment to myself if I'm not allowed to really speak my mind. He's certainly not looking to book the boys a modelling contract now is he??
Lucky for this person she is anonymous otherwise I will have NO PROBLEM calling the cops. Period.
Being sincere and writing from 'a Nigerian background' I think it is difficult for a Nigerian woman to report her husband to the police for a purported offense or suspicions. She may not hesitate to call the cops if the offense is direct on, her children or posing immediate visible danger to neighbors.
I suggest she watch the movement of the pictures in the pc and her husband generally, then confront him later in a mature way as not to push him to closing up other vices if there are more to be discovered.
I don't envy her ... a difficult task/assignment .
Charles (Roma)
ps: She needs to go exam her daughter for abuse ASAP and make sure absolutely no neighborhood kids ever come around that man. Gosh I'm seething at such denial!!!!
jusToluwa, the cop comment is more of like to make him know u might not hesitate to throw him under the bus if he doesnt "fix things". i'm not saying she should make that the first option.
well said isha..yes i'm in tune with ibiluv and 30+...first thing she has to do is talk to her man..
hmm this one is heavy... My stance is if she is a christian, she should firstly pray for wisdom and discernment and utterance on how to approach and speak to him about what she has found. This is a very sensitive matter, he might have been doing it before they were married and she only just found out, so we don't know how deep this might be rooted into his behaviour. If she is not safe leaving their daugther with him, then there are ways she can do that until she is ready to speak to him.
But speak to him first she must. Nope she cannot leave her husband without discussing this and trying to resolve it - that would be the easy way out - They both made a vow - for better for worse, and this could just be her "for worse", which is of different nature and levels for everyone.
I pray when she does speak to him, he is willing to do something about it, counselling, e.t.c.. Reminds me of the story of Kirk Franklin not long ago.. so yep I'm afraid she's got to stick to him and help him get help and get better.. and then pray like crazy!
It's a big issue..but she has to deal with it head on
First i think she has to be willing to confront her husband and ask him what he has been up to. This she has to do prayerfully and believe that her husband will open to her
She cannot leave him without discussing with him, a lot of christians suffer from various addictions and until they acknowledge it and ask God for help, it might continue to have a hold over them.
Together, they can confront the issue if he is willing to open up to her and save their marriage, family and themselves a lot of heartaches!
This hits quite close to home and is personal for me. It's also very confusing.
For those who recommend reporting him to the police, I can understand. I have been a direct victim of child. I wonder if even if my uncle's wife knew what he was doing, she'd have had the heart to turn him in. Now that I'm happily married, I doubt that I'd have the courage to turn my husband in, were I to find this type of stuff on the home PC. At the same time, I'd be scared to confront him for fear that he might blow up in my face and go 'deeper undercover', which does not help either.
*sigh.. Bottom line is I don't know what the solution is except to pray like crazy. Both paths, based on the comments I've read so far can have disastrous outcomes. God is about the only one I know for sure can help this family out. I hope they make it out OK.
BTW SSD, how does one submit something for the easier crew? I have a non blogger friend who asked a few days ago. Thanks i advance. :-)
Bumight and Remi have said all I wanted to say.
tough case, but i do agree that talking to the dude should definitely be her first step. that should inform her next step.
For the record, i think pedophiles should be killed reeeeeally slowly. And just incase y'all di dnot know, there is a registry where you can know who the bastards are and if you have them living around you so you can keep your kids away from them. the link is http://www.familywatchdog.us/
just enter your neighbourhood and find out who ur neighbours are!!! you never know.
Awwwww poor thing...well I feel like if her and her husband really have a strong marriage like that then she should ask him about it because it's not like she's his girlfriend...she's his WIFE and it's not like she was checking his phone, it was the computer so I mean really...
Meanwhile if she feels like she can't confront him about it just yet she should talk to someone else that she trusts and not take any drastic action just yet...Let's wait and see how it goes....
Hiya! I am here!!!! Long time. I guess u doing great. I read this piece and for the first time in a long time i have no advice to give. I've tried putting myself in her shoes and haven't come up with anything. I guess the Holyspirit would be a great counselor to her right now. Thanks for checking up on me. It's the bank job that is keeping me away. Take care!
@ everyone: Thanks for taking the time to share your opinions on this matter.
Alice has been reading the comments and truth be told, as of right now, she is even more conflicted.
@ Abbie: My update was not meant to stifle discussion. It was only meant to highlight that the comments we make directly affect a real person, who was confused and frankly frightened when she read the word 'pedophile'.
She believes that until she knows why those pictures are on the computer, her husband is not a pedophile. I was only respecting her wishes, after all at the end of the day, I have to respect the wishes of my readers who are already very vulnerable. I hope you can understand.
@ Nefertiti: I hope all is
well. I can be reached at kontactr.com/solomonsydelle. All messages sent to me at that page drop into my inbox and then I can communicate with you. I just don't have my addy on this site because of spam issues.
Thanks again, everyone. Your opinions and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
My two cents:
Do not assume.How many people have access to the computer?IS he the only one who uses it?Was it bought new or secondhand?Does his job necessitate research into the seamier side of the Net?Does he take long business trips?Particularly abroad?
Make plans to bail.Do whatever is necessary to protect your daughter
at all costs.All the best.
PS @ the other commenters
Possession of child pornography is a crime in the US and the West,but not,I suspect,in most African countries.Any lawyers around should correct me, but I suspect Nigeria has no such law on the books(just another of those duties our politicians have been shirking).
she should talk to him and confirm if indeed her fears are geniune. then ifthey were they start to see the counsellor.seek both spiritual and medical help.
how are your kids?
hmmmm, my opinion....
unless there are things Alice aint tellin, i would expect her first reaction to be askin her husband wat he is doin with those pix, discuss bein the key word here.....
...and how are ur lovly kids doing
To Alice:
First of all, I am very sorry that you are going through this. Really sorry.
The first thing you should do, and your main concern should be your daughter. You need to make sure she is not being abused and do not leave her alone with him.
The CHILD is the most important, before everybody else. Adults can protect themselves, your baby has only you. Right now, your husband is not the priority.
Secondly, I would advise against confronting him immediately. There are many organisations where you can call anonymously and seek professional help. Unfortunately, I do not live in the States so I can not help you with that. However, I am sure Solomonsydelle can help you in looking for them.
Call them. Most of the time, they would accept anonymous phonecalls and since you will be dealing with professionals, they would be the best to advise you on what cause of action to take.
I do not think you can do this alone. You need help and help is out there, please try and talk to someone that knows about stuff like this before you do anything. This is way too HUGE for bloggers to help you with. You need professional help.
I hope SSD can help you with finding the right organisation.
Once again, your child's safety should be your priority, not your husband or your marraige.
Also, I can not believe that so many women are here mentioning "marraige", " for better for worse" etc. Seeking help for HIM, etc. He is TOTALLY not the person that needs help at the moment. The most important thing is that her CHILD and other young CHILDREN that have contact with her husband are SAFE and not being abused in anyway.
I have to say, I feel very ashamed reading many of these comments.
Goodluck Alice, its gonna be a tough road but the sonner you start, the better for your baby. Remember that it is her interest you have to look out for and not yours or your husband's.
I wish you all the best.
Like Waffarian, I was very surprised at the fact that what most people kept alluding to was the "marriage". Well, marriage is a contract and upon discovering those pictures, there has been a breach in that contract. So the priority is certainly not "saving the marriage".
With that said, we are all humans and those of us who are not well need help. Her husband obviously needs help. And I am convinced she knows the pictures are not there for "research" or been put there "by someone else using the computer".
She needs to restrain contact between her husband and any children until she confronts him.
The other major question I have is: Why in the good lord's name can't she talk to him about the pictures? They have been married for 6 years, they should be close enough to talk about everything. If she's genuinely afraid to talk to him, then there is something else that needs to be addressed. Nobody should be "afraid" to talk to their spouse.
All in all, there are children being abused (you have to be in a ring of - yes, pedophiles to be able to obtain naked pictures of children) and her christian moral should go out to them first. The unprotected.
i am working on this novel where a wife discovers that her husband like young kids & decides to send her children away to live with his sister while staying back in the marriage. well, that's fiction. in real life, it's more difficult 2 end a marriage, stay with a possible sex offender, or even send ur children away 4 their own protection. d best bet here is 4 Alice to confront her husband. but she is unwilling to do so, well i guess there's nothing i can say 4 dat effect. although, i'd suggest she investigates further 2 make sure she's not jumping into conclusion abt d pictures.
@MsSula
The problem here is that there are at least three people to worry about;the daughter's well being,the wife and her wellbeing, and the husband.Yes the husband.Who has not been accused of a crime,who may be plausibly innocent.This is the kind of accusation that follows you the rest of your life,irrespective of your guilt.A little caution before declaring him guilty is probably a good idea.
Consider,computers do end up with data on them from the manufacturer by mistake.Google ASUS's recent problems with factory shipped viruses and personal data.On NEW computers.
Oh,and you DON'T have to belong to a pedophile ring to find child porn on the web.Malware installed on your computer can redirect your page when you try to browse,something that non-computer savvy people sometimes fall prey to.See the substitute teacher in Connecticut who almost got 40yrs jail time for a computer problem.She did lose her teacher's license.Link here http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20081124-teacher-in-porn-popup-case-dodges-jail-loses-creds.html
I do have to concur with your second point though;why hasn't she talked to him?Were they having marital problems before this?Something doesn't quite add up for me.
All i can advise is that she talks to him about it and PRAYS..
WOW
I start by saying my first time here tank you very much*takes a humble bow* tanks for commenting on mine...
this is a very delicate yet sensitive issue...
now she knows what's been going on..she should approach it with calmness and all available seriousness.
i dont think he is a pedophile..it should be considered that he was abused as a child...
she shouldnt leave him no cuz she is the first person to help him get through this...m glad they talked about it and cried together...
thats a step forward..he may need therapy to erase the memory..but it should be taken one day at a time.....
she needs to trust him again its not going to be easy..but with a calmn heart and prayers all things would be okay...
i'd surely be back...
Hi Solomonsydelle, please I would like to do a write up related to this post and it's update. Please will you allow me to refer to these posts? If you will like to see my write up before I publish on my blog, I'll send to you. Thank you.
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