This is the last installment in Talk To The Easier Crew Week. As always, let us strive to offer encouraging advice and steer away from foul language. Please remember that my kids will hopefully read the comments left by their blogville aunties and uncles someday, so let's keep it family friendly even though some of these topics are heady. Thanks so much for understanding and thanks immensely for all your time. Come back on Saturday for a wonderful 'Thank You' to all of you who have stopped by this week and of course come back on Monday for regular posts on the exploits of the kids because believe you me, there are incredible stories to tell!!!!
"I am a 29 year old female. My parents both live in Abuja while I, my 2 brothers and younger sister all school in America. I have a good job, friends and am happy. However, despite my academic (a Masters and recently completed PHD) or career accomplishments, my mother is making my life a living hell!!!
I love my mother, so this is not an attack of her as a person, but why is it that Nigerians make you feel as if you are nothing if you are not married with a billion children or at least have a man that will eventually marry you? When I went home for Christmas hols, she would always point to girls younger than me who were married and pregnant or that had children already. Whenever anyone 'asked' me about marriage (because Nigerians don't ask, they just tell you their mind and order you to do things), my mother would never even allow me to finish. She would shout about how all know is book and that no man would marry a woman with too much education. When my mother heard of my plans to get a Masters, rather than encourage me, she asked how this would affect my plans to start a family. When I wanted to get a PHD she flat out refused to give me her blessings. She told me instead that all her friends had 2 or 3 grandchildren and that it was my duty as her first born to put her in the same situation. None of my siblings have any children, but even they realize that she doesn't put as much pressure on them to settle down.
I spoke to my younger sister who is in Naija for summer hols and she gave me some devastating news. Apparently, my mother has decided to visit someone to 'pray' for me to find a man and marry. My sister is not sure, but this person does not sound Christian. Also, my mother has twisted my quiet father's arm into requiring that when I come home this Christmas, I must spend some days with Mrs. N who is apparently renowned at finding husbands "for girls with my problem". Apparently she observes you for a week and after that she can figure out exactly who you are to marry. It sounds like madness to me and this woman charges an arm and a leg for her fees. I didn't even know they did such things!!! My mom would love to force me into an arranged marriage.
It just seems as if she would only respect me if I was married and pregnant. How do I get her to calm down? I honestly don't even think I ever want to have kids to tell you the truth. Its not that I don't like kids but I don't think I have the personality to do motherhood. Why can't that be fine? After all, my siblings can give my mother as many grandchildren as she wants. She just wants to be able to show off in Church and everywhere else that she has grandchildren.Plus, I am dating an African American (for almost 2 years) but I cannot tell anyone for fear that my mother will hear because she has sworn to hang herself if I dare bring an "outsider" into the family. This is too stressful for me."
Oya, let the yarning begin....
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32 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
i am first, i have done it...i am in tears
i wanna thank my mum and dad and fans out there that made this possible
Am I first?
I wil lgo straight to the point. I want our lady in distress to know that this is her life we are talking about. Nobody not even her parents should complicate things for her.
The same society that want her married off will spite her if anything goes wrong in her marriage. Since you are no longer a minor, I will advice you live your right by making sure you stamp your feet on the gorund in a polite manner and tell ur mom and whoever that you want to leave your life in a certain way.
It's not good to give in to pressure from the society and not do right by yourself. All the best lady
stand on your own two....7 years ago they would have almost killed you if you came home pregnant, now they are complaining, if you marry now and have children but the marriage fails within a couple of years they will also blame you....it is your life and not thiers, so take control of it..
standtall- not a chance babes, you aint first!xx
3rd!
Na wa o! You have to sit your mother down and talk some sense into her head. Maybe get your father and some other members of the family on your side. You have to tell her to pam o. If you end up still going to Naija, sleep with one eye open biko. Whish kain scary something be dis? The Bible says honor your parents, but you don't necessarily have to obey them all the time. So you have to explain to your mother in nice but stern words that she needs to back off.
And my dear, keep the boyfriend hidden until your able to get her on the same page with you.
Pele o, all the best.
Lol @ Tininu's 'acceptance speech'
dearie, have u talked to God abt it?
if not, do so now n let him lead u.
dis issue abt u not wanting to have kids is doin me 'one-kind' (i stil believe dat's every woman's joy) newayz like i said 'go on ur knees n pray'
take kia
n all d best.
You need to talk to ur mother and make her realize that u're trying to take ur time so no mistakes will be made. U can even start giving hints that u've found someone. Maybe u can go with ur boyfriend to Nigeria in December.
@ tininu
u r so full of it, lol
@mamabomboy, hows d family?
hope u r doing o.k.
njoy ur w'end.
top ten maybe?!?!?!
mayne I feel for you girl. You sound soo irritated!!!...all I can say is calm down, pray, speak to your mum as an adult concerning the issue. Let her see how her actions are affecting you. I am sure it would be very difficult but oh well. And please you say you ahve a bf for two years...so what if he is AA. plz at the rate she is going tell ehr its that one or noone else..
*sigh*,i am with LG on dis one.
Prayer is key,i think u should go spiritual,fast and pray about it.
call ur mum and be as CALM as possible,try to talk to her about it,start sayin sumtin like "there are no nigieran men abroad oh",what if u find an african american???ur mum sounds desperate so she might agree!!
after she does.................then u can inform her of ur beau.
As for babies,(@d risk of soundn like d nigerians dat "order" u),u gats to have one oh.even if its just one child please,dont u read wen mummy Tk,Te and BB talks about her kids,there is joy in motherhood.
i think its called joys and pains so please lets not rule dat one out.ABEG
think about it,wat will u use all ur money to do at the end of d day???
It is well all d same...........u will be fine in d end!!!
@ Tininu, MCHEEEEEEEEEWWWWW, nonsense and concobility...lmao!
Sweets,
this problem with ur mum is something a lot of us young ladies have very similar issues with our mothers or parents as the case may be.
It is your life we are talking about here! u have to let your mum know (without being rude) that she has to back off! especially with these "probably diabolical" stuff she's getting into. it's your choice what u want to do with your life.
the only way u can handle this without negative results is to pray about it. no need to fast or see a prophet, pick ur bible, find verses that support ur stance and talk to God about it. when u are sure u can handle her, talk to ur mum and let her know about ur relationship as well.
i'm particularly bothered about the spiritualist bit. that's eerie, and one should protect oneself by praying.
Believe me I understand the reader... Oh too well!
My stats: 29 years old, first-born big sister of 4 girls, career-oriented who dated a lot of "outsiders"...
I have been in your shoes,and to some extent I'm still there. Admittedly, moreso from other family members (oe aunts, cousins and the likes) than parents, but I have been there. There is not much you can do about it but brush it off and focus on your life...
The most important thing is to love the life you are living... You can't wait for people's approval - even those you love...
Good luck, and enjoy your successfull life!
Babe, take a deep breath n chill.
Ur mother means no harm, she just wants d best 4 u. N it is d joy of every parent 2 c their children get married n have children. Ur mum doesn't want u 2 be 40 n single thats y she is really anxious.
I think u should avoid lengthy conversations with d parentals. Don't even go 2 9ja 4 xmas.
Aspa u guy, i believe ur parents will come 2 terms with it. No need 2 make war with them or end it. Take things 1 step @ a time n do no live in fear.
This marriage pressure thing is everywhere my sister.
Why do i have a feeling that if you tell ur mum about the afro-american, she may not be so averse to it?
SoloD how u doing babes?
Whatever you do - Do it for you and not your parents!
Arrange marriage? in this day and age? Will her mother follow her to her husband house?
Since her mother is so bent on her marrying - i am afraid this where she play her cards -
Bring the AA man out and tell them - its either him or i am not marrying (i think she will come around, when the grandchilren comes, they always do!)
But make sure you DO you - cause iTS YOUR LIFE
First of all i dont think haranguing people about marraige is a Nigerian thing, i think it cuts across cultures across the globe, that said, your mum is attempting to drive you into a decision that mostly ends in serious hurt, about the match maker thing, better dont go for hols, cos you never know what these people will do in order not to be seen as a fraud. About having babies, dont worry, the love for it will come rushing in when you are ready
when you find an answer to this issue, im sure many bloggers will like to know, cos there are quite a number of bloggers in similar situations.
i suggest u let ur mom know that u have an AA boyfriend, and if she flips, do what i do when my parents are on my neck: refuse to call home until she quietens down. it works!
am with LG on this. i think u should pray first. also, i think you shouldn't come home 4 d hols, if daz what your mom has in mind.u may think to schedule a surprise visit at home, when she can't arrange 4 d waman, den u should have a serious talk with ur mom. abt making her understand, dat one na only God fit o, so am not saying talking wit her would lighten d situation. what it does is that u state ur stand in certain & definite ways! i have an aunt dat for 1 year wasn't on talking terms with her mom just cos a problem like this. it was tough, but she stood her ground & finally found a man she loved. Also, there's nothing wrong with arranged marriaged. my aunt mentioned above married by 'arrangement'. &, surprise surprise, my marriaging (since e nefa finish) was arranged also - just not by my mom, but it's still an arranged stuff. d thing is dat i wasn't forced to accept MM. i studied him, liked what i saw & decided 2 take that leap!
i wonder y she feels she's 4 motherhood? she'd b surprised how much different she'd feel if she mistakenly get pregnant! her natural instincts would just kick in!
@ solo: i profusely apologise for my use of d f-word in my last comment. guess i was carried away! do feel free to delete my comment!
This is a very familiar topic. I just got off the phone with my friend and this was exactly what we were talking about.
I don't think she can do anything to placate her mother besides find a man and get married. If she knows her mother is not going to accept the African American and he wants to marry her, then she should go ahead and get married and tell her parents after the fact.
I don't think she should make any decision just to make her mother happy. She's the one that has to live her life, not her mother. I think the most important thing to be aware of while trying to figure out what to do is that she should do what she KNOWS will make her HAPPY. Life's too short.
If she doesn't even want to marry sef, she doesn't have to. No be by force.
Some mothers dont know the effect of their rants.Yeah we know they care and all but i think they should just leave us alone and not push us into making decision that we'll regret l8r on.
I just feel they shud let her be. she shud take her time b4 she settles down. Marriage is no joke.
It's a generational thing.You'll have to remember that by your age,she had quite possibly finished giving birth.She worries;and with good reason,biological and otherwise.Happiness is seldom dependent on your number of degrees.
Remember she's a parent;worrying is what they do best.You'll probably do the same:)And you should always consider the possibility she may know what she's talking about.
That said,though,there is such a thing as taking things too far.You're a big girl,you're not dependent on the parental purse strings any longer,which removes at least one major source of pressure.Sit her down and talk to her.Seriously.Explain the things you don't like or approve of.Then talk to your Dad.Tone is likely to be very important here.If you have any grown up siblings or close family members,enlist them.If nothing else,they'll want to avoid setting a precedent for parental harassment.
Then live your life.You are too old to be compelled into doing anything you don't want.If she asks you to go somewhere you don't want to,you refuse.Politely.You may be making mistakes,but they're YOUR mistakes to make.And live with.
PS Matchmakers,paid or otherwise are hardly a Nigerian phenomenon.Match.com,eHarmony.com ring a bell?Jews,Italians,Indians all use live matchmakers.I even believe there's a TV show called Millionaire Matchmaker in the US.So don't knock it.
The hanging thing?Ignore it;just melodrama.
Concerning your AA boyfriend;don't mention him unless you're actually engaged.If that falls through,you don't want to give her another talking point.
My $0.02.
hmmmm.....
everyone b4 me has said it all.
MAIN POINT : its your life, and you will be the miserable one (not your mom) when things DONT go right.
Parents know whats best for their kids, but when it comes to things like this, it should totally be your decision.
If and when you go to nigeria, PLS dont go to no woman house to be "helped". Try to talk to your mom, and if doesnt see your side, ignore the issue all together. When she realizes you are not even bothering about it, she will shift to her other kids...
Show her u love her more..so she wont think you just doing it to spite her.
My mom did the same thing...and i was just 18 when she started hassling me for a boyfriend (and am the only child, so u can imagine the pressure now that i am 21)...so trust me,everything will be fine.
Like others have said...Pray,pray, pray... I remember my mother doing something similar when there were problems of bedwetting in our house...despite our born-again status, and she attempted to write it off as concern. Also don't go home for any more holidays...your mother won't listen to you unless things are quiet around her, and the object of her worry is not nearby...talk to your father, and become fast friends with him...If your mom decides to send you a "message" (usually along the lines of how you've left her to die or something like that, you reply her message (not by talking to her ohh...through somebody) that you are seriously looking for a man that's why you are too busy to call or come. She'll probably ask someone to check up on you, so try to go for Nigerian events and put on a good show. Drag the boyfie as well if he's willing to go. And don't tell her about him until you're engaged...
wow i have missed out a lot of serious issues
missed out on issues too ..thanks sydelle for ur comment on ma post...now to the mata on ground..first things first..you should pray, then try having a "my life depends on it" talk with your mum, cos u r no longer a kid , u can make ur decisions or talk to respectable and nuetral family member, its ur life u alone will give account for it ,be calm ur situation is not without unresolvable..and then dont stop praying..
Easier said than done but possible.
Live your life as you want.
Tell her you are gay. Take pictures with a girlfriend of yours doing more than holding hands.
She will worship any man you later produce as your boyfriend and thank him for delivering you.
Its sad how when u've achieved so much education wise and career wise, its not appreciated until u complete it with the degree of marriage and the title MRS. & having children especially boys is crucial. I guess thats the african culture for u. & no matter any country we travel to, those expectations are still on us. Lets hope our own generation will think differently.
Tell ur mom u'll marry when u are ready. Marriage is for life & if u rush into it just to please u'll end up regretting it. & age has nothing to do with when one is supposed to get married. Its about marrying the right person & being happy.
She can't force u to the altar.
This "problem" is not unique, but its up to her to handle it appropriately. She's old enough to tell her mother to back up and stay in her lane. Yes she's your mother, but its your life to live. I think taking the quietly seething role isn't going to work for the average naija mother, so it's time for her to put on her big girl pants and talk to her mother like an adult and stop getting frustrated over something so common. Hell she's lucky that she's not getting daily SMS texts with prayer points against the strongholds in your father family that is keeping you in bondage of singlehood from a MFM prayer book!
I'm sorry doesn't anyone else see a problem with a grown ass woman sneaking around with a man for 2 years? It sounds to me as though she's not truly committed to that relationship and is just using him to pass time until she gets a better option.
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