I had to edit this question because it is quite long. Please be sensitive and understanding in giving this man your opinions. Remember, he just wants a little advice....
"My wife and i have been married for 20 months but we are already on the rocks. We are currently going for marital counseling to help my wife resolve her issues. We first went for counseling at our church out hre in San Francisco. But, the moment my wife was told the exact same things I had been telling her, by a Church Deacon (who has been married for over 30 years), she determined that he was not qualified to counsel us and chose to seek professional counseling.
Anyway, I attend marital counseling with her once a week. It is quite expensive but I believe my wife is happy because this "specialist" seems to take her side. Well, I recently got a job in Dubai that will pay me twice what I make right now. I want to go but my wife is telling me not to. I took the job anyway, because I know that it is the right step for me career-wise and financially. Additionally, it will allow us to be much closer to my ailing parents in Nigeria. She can get a better job there, herself and if not, I am willing as always to give her the seed money to begin a business. I have explained all this to her, but she doesn't believe that it is a good decision. She argues that Dubai is not a good place for women. I point out that Dubai is not Saudi Arabia - women are quite free there, technically. She says she wouldn't want to be there. Her parents have advised her to move to Dubai. My parents have advised the same. I am moving without her, whatever the case.
But the bombshell came recently when during an argument over Dubai, she told me that she wasn't sure whether we should have kids. Her argument was that we are having problems and that quite frankly, she doesn't believe she wants to be a mother. Now, before we got married, she told me that she could not wait to have children of her own and went on and on about how she loves children. I equally made it clear that I needed to have children. Due to unforseen circumstances, my parents only have 1 grandchild and believe me, they need more. I want to have as many children as God grants me and I believed that my wife and I were in agreement on that point.
I am frustrated and very angry. Over the course of 6 months, I have learned so much about my wife and now believe that she and her entire family made a concerted effort to deceive me. They made me believe things were one way when in fact, it is not the case. My father warned me to marry a good woman, I thought I had, but I am increasingly believing that I failed that task...
So, here is the deal, I have already committed to a 3 year contract in Dubai, so I am going. My wife is fine with it and believes that we can fly back and forth. I, however, know for a fact that the love I had is quickly going away. I feel that if I meet someone over there that I mesh with, I will go ahead and start a new relationship because I am fed up with this one. I don't want to file for a divorce. My parents have been married for 65 years and to divorce would be devastating to them. I have done everything for this woman. I paid for her to go to business school when no one would give her a loan due to her extremely bad credit. I bought her a brand new BMW when we got engaged. I currently pay for her mortgage, plus the 4 bedroom home I purchased when we got married. I pay for everything, all she pays for is the water bill. It is frustrating that i can be so successful at so many other things but not in my love life, not in my marriage. I don't want to cheat, but I will, because I do not feel appreciated. And now, I see that her ex boyfriend is calling and texting her. This has been a point of contention between us, since even before we married.
What are your recommendations? I have no one to talk to. Everyone knows us and this would be seen as a failure. I can't risk that, but I need to talk to someone and the counselor is of no use. He just flirts with my wife and makes her feel that she is right and I am wrong."
Let the yarning begin...
Com back tomorrow for the next installment in Talk To The easier Crew Week and check out the last two issues - SEXUAL FEELINGS and RELIGION.
34 Easier Comments. Add Yours!:
FIRST!!!
this is very serious o
unda, u just dey carry first everywhere!
Big issue, don't even know what to say, wish we could hear from the woman! It seems to me that she is not interested in her marriage so much...
I wish both of them could read 1Corinthians 13 in bible with an open heart and try to walk their marriage through it.
it's really sad 2 read d mail. well, we are hearing 4rm one side of d party. had d woman had her say, maybe it's easier to understand where she is coming from. i know our naija society view marriage as the favours d man, hence his parents & hers advising her 2 pack 2 Dubai wit her husband. but den, isn't it better 4 their young marriage if she went with him? am a little worried abt both their attitude 2 d marriage though. one thing we were told during d church marriage course was 2 do everything within our powers 4 d success of our marriages. dat each spouse is 2 consider 'us' first b4 'me'. another thing, going 2 a counsellor will help neither of dem if all they seek is 4 someone 2 validate their individual argument. besides, pple can say all they want, if d couples do not implement it, d money & time spent on counseling is wasted.
bottom line: i think dis man should solemnly speak to his wife about the dangers their situation presents to their marriage. if both of them are committed 2 having a happy marriage, then they should both be prepared to make adjustments 2 accommodate each's desires. he might have wanted a large family (am not feeling his wife @ all 4 lying or giving him d wrong impression about dis subject), but since his wife is not n agreement, he should look into reducing d number he initially had n mind. same goes 4 all their other areas of contention. both should make efforts 2 meet each other half-way
I was going to suggest He speak to his wife too and tell him every single thing that's going on in his head. But it seems like she's stubborn and has set her mind on what she wants to do. It doesn't seem like there's anything in particular holding her from moving to Dubai, so there may be a thing or two she's hiding from him, especially since she's texting her ex-boyfriend!!! (that shocked me). Marriage is about compromise. I don't know idf I quite agree that Ogbeni should take the job regardless, but there needs to be an agreement of some sort. He needs to take out everything the parents are saying, and make sure that in convincing her only both their feelings are on the table. Maybe that would lead to the real reason behind the not wanting to have kids thing.
bloody hell, I cud've bn first..shucks...
lemme go read
This is some serious sturves.
1st thing is to go back to he who is the author of marriage. Seek the face of God over everything happening in ur marriage.
I really feel it wasn't best u taking the job in Dubai. Being apart will only make matters worse. 4 the sake of what you once felt 4 ur wife n 4 ur future, do not go to Dubai.
Am not taking sides here, wifey has her faults. But a man is the head, so u have to take charge. U & wifey need 2 sit down and talk. Just listen 2 her, u might hear something u haven't heard (fear, worry...).
No marriage is easy, whats to say if you get a divorce n get married again u won't face d same thing or something even worse.
I agree with FFF.
do everything within your power 4 d success of ur marriage. dat each spouse is 2 consider 'us' first b4 'me'.
wow..Quite touching
Hmm well I lived In the middle east for years as a young girl and trust me if I get a job offer there I will run back in a heartbeat. As a young couple I understand the need to be financially stable so I applaud him for taking the job. Wifey needs to understand that somethings in life(MARRIAGE) come through hardwork and determination. She dosent seem to want to put in effort(@ least from what he has said) My advice is to Seek the face of God together as a couple and the answers to all these peoblems would sort themselves. COMPROMSIE is what a marriage is about and both of you need to begin to become very friendly with that word.
This looks like the endless numbers of marriages I have heard about. Man is here, a wife is sent to him, they meet for a short minute, get married and then find out that oops, they know nothing about each other.
No need to flog him while he is down. This is my take on this, I am pretty old fashion. A woman goes where her husband goes. Ruth said, where you go, I will go. Not the other way. Forget civilization and western gibberish. If the husband, being the head of the home, decide it will make since for their family to move, then she should.
On the issue of kids, that is ground for divorce. It is called fraud. If they agreed on having kids before getting married and she is now saying otherwise, then she deceived him into marrying her.
On ex-bf, I hope you signed a good prenup. This is America, I won't be surprise if you wake up the next morning and you are served a divorce letter, with half of your possessions going to her. She might be getting comfort from the ex. Any attempt of her not going with you to Dubai and the ex is here, forget it. Soon, the comfort will move to the bedroom.
Bottom line, talk to her. Plead with her. Talk a vacation to a quiet place. Share your thoughts. This will be effective though, if you really believe in this marriage. If you really see your wife as someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
All the best!
I think Florida's comment covers a lot of key points
It also sounds to me as if you're both going through the motions of trying to make things work i.e. counselling, whereas neither of you is really actually commited to doing so. From what you've said, you appear to be trying harder than your wife is - but as some others have already pointed out, this is just one side of the story.
Based on this information, your wife seems to be trying to push you away (1)by changing her mind about having children (2) by being adamant about not wanting to relocate to Dubai etc. You, on the other hand, have literally made up your mind to have an affair should the opportunity present itself.
I think you both need to be honest about what it is exactly you want out of your marriage, and if what you have is worth fighting for. Not, may i add, just because don't want to risk being seen as a failure. Not even because your parents have been married for 65 years and a divorce would be devastating to them (pls note i'm not recommending divorce to you),Or even because you believe your parents need more grandchildren.
It's good that you have a sense of duty that extends beyond yourself and your wife....but this is YOUR marriage and any decision you take should be taken because it's the best thing to do, not because it the thing that will look best to others...
All the best
when you say "u pay for her mortgage" does that mean both of you aren't living together?
obviously, ur wife is trying her best not to make the marriage work, and you seem to have lost interest yourself. Both of you have to decide if you want to WORK to keep your marriage. the reasons you dont want a divorce are quite BS (excuse me), but divorce is EXPENSIVE in america, and if you are going that route, it seems like you'll be the one taking the fall.
Also pray about it.
goodluck!
Ol boy, she sounds like a self centred bitch.
I hate the fact that she lied about wanting kids, thats despicable.
It is quite sad that their marriage has fallen apart so quicly and i am sorry to say it but at this point, there is not much a therapist can do to help the matter because it seems that their minds are both made up and they are only going to see a counselor to justify their conscience. I believe that if he still wants his marriage to work, his best and only option at this point is to go on his knees and pray like he has never done. God is still in the business of answering prayers. I would advice his wife to move with him since its only a 3 yr contract and they can always move back after 3 yrs if they dont like it. Their issues seem to be much more bigger than just moving to Dubai. If they decide not to go together, thats only going to leave room for temptations and before they both know whats going on, their whole marriage will be destroyed.
okay i thought the religion one was bad, as i had no comment on that one but even this one, it is deep...i am going to have to ponder over night on this one, by the way i was actually 3rd here but i decided not to just come and put 3rd due to the nature of the post...please acknowldege my constant top 10 / 5 commenting spot..thank you
oh and i have also upated...
will be back 2moro to comment
Wow!!!! I am sad for both of them. They need to sit and talk about wat is on dia minds.(one after d oda n not yelling). Him taking d job in dubai I would say its a wonderful idea if his wife was going too. De shd both try to work on dia marriage but if he feels he is gonna cheat wen he gets to dubai den i advise he gets d divorce cos he is as good as out of d marriage. Pray, pray and pray its d last hope.
The man is absolutely right, the lady is no longer in love with him, if she is, then she will not mind following her husband to dubai,after all, home is where the heart is.And if she could still be in touch with an old boyfriend after 20months of marriage then,they both have some serious thinking to do.As a christian,let him pray for divine intervention in his marriage,because a devil he knows is far better than an angel he has not seen.
Shalom!
because the marriage is still young, the wife should be moving with her husband to Dubai and I think the husband should talk to his wife, explain how he really feels as he says the counsellor doesnt seem to help. And like Bola said..he needs to pray and ask for divine intervention!
i won't be surprise if she wants a divorce next. its such a sad story
wow. sad but real.
the issue is really not about dubai or kids. sounds like they are some fundermental flaws.
they both have the wrong mindset. husband is keeping count of all the "great things he has done" while wife seems reluntant to compromise. "seems" been the operative word.
bottom line. they need to commuicate deeply b/w the two of them. it seems both his and her family are a little too involved in their marriage. i.e both trying to convince her to move. that's a NO NO. it's no-one's biz but their's. again fundermental flaws.
Just maybe she feels the marriage is too shaky to bring kids into the picture. esp. if husband has shown the willingness to so some "justified" cheating. if that's the case, she has a perfectly valid reason. u never know what insecurities she's dealing with.
anyways, forget the counseling (unless it's christian-based), the extended family or his dubai dreams.
they shld sit and talk raw and bare.
I would say leave her ass and move on but then thats probably why I am still single....
Somehow I feel you have already made your own decision and just want acceptance of it...
hmm this is realli deep.. i probabli shud not have anything to say about this but i guess wise words never had anything to do wiv age... they both seem to have lost a interest in the marriage, but i think its still salvageable, if they both sit down and talka bout what they really want from their association together, he taking the job in dubai i think is a rebellious attitude to what probably had been going on for quite a while, you dont remain in a marriage just to please somebody, its too serious for that, and before u cheat, maybe u shud think of getting a lawyer, a divorce lawyer, cos adultery as i heard, is grounds for divorce and as i heard, the man pays a huge alimony.. think about it.
This is some serious issue! I dont even know what to say, and from what a know, Prayer is the best!
Pray and speak to your wife in honesty about what you think. Someone has to compromise something. I hope she sees your pain!
i am guilty of usually being partial to the first party to tell their side of the story.
Lemme just say that if u are a xtian, please pray, cuz marriage is actually a life-long contract.
this sis one serious issue.... apparently it seems as if you have lost interest and kinda making up you mind.... guess both of you have to talk about it and jdecide if yall wanna stay together and make it work but she seems not willing to do make the marriage work.
as for divorce, if you are not ahhpy in a marriage lthere is no point staying in it but divorce in Us is very crazy and it will definitely affect you the most especially financially.....but ;;if you are really ready to move on with your life and start all over.... that might be the best thing to do.
Above all whatever you both decide to do..... don't leave God out of thr picture cos he's the only one that can help and see you through....Good luck and keep praying for yah.
awww its obvious she's not in love with u but all day same
go on ur knees and talk to God about it, he ll lead u tru...
goodluck
I suspect we are only hearing one side of the story here.Still,several things seem clear to me:
-Why are you going to marriage counselling if you believe your counsellor is biased to your wife?Find a new one you both agree on or quit.As it is,it doesn't sound like he's doing your marriage any good.
-Taking a job that requires a move should be a community decision.You made this one unilaterally.That was wrong.Even given all the good reasons for taking it,your life is no longer your own.You CANNOT make decisions like this without the consent of your partner.She may have a career and friends she doesn't want to leave.That may very well have worsened whatever problems you were having.
-An unwillingness to have children in the middle of marital problems strikes me as reasonable.You should not have young lives hostage to the vagaries of two feuding people.
-A refusal to have kids at all,on the grounds that "she doesn't believe she wants to be a mother"despite indicating prior to marriage that she loved and wanted children is grounds for divorce.If it turns out she is only using this as a bargaining chip,it's even worse.There are things you don't use as hostage in a marriage,not if you care about it.
-You don't trust your wife,that much is clear.I don't know whether that's justified or not.I don't know what kind of relationship she shares with her ex,either,just that you don't like it.The description you give makes their rapprochment sound recent.That's....disturbing.
-It also sounds as if you're saying"This woman isn't giving me what I want,she'll probably cheat behind my back,therefore I'll cheat too."In America,the price tag is usually half of your estate,plus/minus alimony.That what you want?
I suggest if you're a God-fearing man,that you go pray and decide whether you can stay in this marriage.At least there are no kids to complicate issues yet.
Settle things with your wife before you leave for Dubai.You BOTH need to negotiate in good faith.If you can't,get a divorce first,then leave.Leaving for Dubai without settling this is basically the same thing,only that will end up costing you more,financially and emotionally.Shame doesn't kill.
All the best.
I am not an expert in this kinda thing but I will not advice you to start a new relationship without resolving this one. Try and see if you and your wife can talk over these things or go for serious counseling with another shrink so u can meet at a peaceful point. If not, forget about how long ur parents are married for. This is your life, if both of you will be perpetually unhappy, it’s better you divorce each other before you go and commit to someone lese. It never worked to leave one issue unresolved and jump start another one. Good luck
BTW: Nine gave a valuable piece that's worth looking into
This is a sad situation. Ndo Mr Man...i say pray about it, all the best.
RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!
This brother is not a bad guy however he only talked about the material things he's done for her, hmmm is he meeting the emotional needs of this woman (#1 need of a woman) that this "devil" of an ex might be meeting now, are you calling her during the day to check in, say i love you, I miss you text messages, she may be unresponsive at first, just be steadfast, she might just be testing you, she'll respond eventually,you watch. He seems to be very financial stable, big ups to the brother, that may also mean he works a lot too, so try all you can to let her know she's the priority above all else and she should be and vice versa
This woman is reacting to something, she is dissatisfied, I have no doubt that this is a good man, however,the man should not take a chauvinistic approach towards her, like shes the one with the problem, there are two people invovled, she doesnt appreciate you etc it just doesnt work that way, if you have an affair and get divorced, then marry some else, i'm sorry to say that history will repeat itself if you dont learn to resolve conflict no matter what now, you both gave your vows, now STOP pushing each other away, recognise that the devil is at work, and bind that sucker in Jesus name.
I believe she still wants kids, she's just dare I say throwing a tantrum and doing all she can to push you away. You are both hurt, stop pointing fingers and rehearsing all the wrongs, instead start to heal each other. I recommed you watch the videos on marriagetoday.com God bless, o ba ni, ko ti ba je, trust me
Hmm...
From what I can see, it looks like they're not very committed to their marriage right now, and it's really sad cos they're a young couple.
We are hearing only one side, granted, but I'll say this; three things bother me about our guy, sorry, make that four:
1. He says his wife had been in contact even before they got married. Why didn't he handle the issue then?
2.He said something like ' I will move with or without her'. How selfish does that sound! He should understand that there's two of them. He should consider her feelings and not sound so harsh, that will only make her dig in her heels.
3. He says something like 'I will cheat if the opportunity presents itself'. To me, that's almost as good as having cheated already. Where's the committment?! Even if he finds that she's been doing nasty stuff with her ex, going out to find another woman would not be the solution. His keeping his marital vows are not dependent on her keeping hers. He should divorce her first if he can't continue with her.
4.He keeps talking about how he paid for this and bought her that, but as someone rightly asked, has he been meeting her emotional needs, or is he one of those men that would just throw a wad of cash at a woman and expect her to be indebted to you forever. When you give out of love, it should be selfless. You should not start recounting everything you gave.
That said, the lady also has issues. The whole thing she seems to be doing is just not right. And about Dubai, she should be more flexible and open. She might lose some things, but what should matter most should be having her husband with her.
That said, I think they still stand a chance. They should ditch the fake ass counsellor and do their best to deal, get another counsellor if they like. They should please be ready for the long haul; nothing good comes easy. They should both be ready to be humble and to compromise, and to put each other first. And they should pray. With God as the third party in their marriage, they cant fail.
I'm rooting for them!
//1. He says his wife had been in contact even before they got married. Why didn't he handle the issue then?//
Pardon the error, that was supposed to say:
1. He says his wife had been in contact with her ex even before they got married. Why didn't he handle the issue then?
I feel like shedding tears for this guy!! This is so sad. Why do some of our people try to emulate the bad parts of western culture? This is what has happened here. She's not sure she wants to be a mother?! What kind of crazy talk is that? for an African woman. I know I should advise you to work things out, but, it seems she's determined to call it quits. or she's taking the husband for granted as he's a 'yes' man and too loving.
okay, number 1, GO TO DUBAI! Your wife doesn't think you're serious about going. So go. That would shock her and make her come to her senses.
number 2, STOP ATTENDING THE YEYE THERAPY! Let her go by herself and let her pay for it herself.
number 3, GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM. NO KIDS = NO MARRIAGE!
Sorry I'm hardline here, but this lady is immature. She has been mixing with bad company. Someone is either lying to her, or she has made some yeye friends, maybe African Americans or oyibos. Many of them have no clue about real life.
Explain to your parents about her bombshell of no kids. Because I'm sorry to say, the divorce may well happen. Once you tell them about the no kids decision from her, they won't curse you over the divorce. They'll know it's not your fault.
I'm sorry to say but this lady may have tasted the western lifestyle and wants it to be for her. She thinks it means freedom, but when she ends up like these lonely old oyibo people, she'll realise how she's messed up.
You won't be the first to be divorced and no one would blame you if you met another lady. Dubai is full of Nigerians & other Africans anyway, I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl there. Have you got friends in England? Come here on holiday, there are always gatherings where you'll meet a responsible girl. Sorry I'm already writing the marriage off but I think she's already made up her mind to go.
Maybe you moving to Dubai may bring her to her senses, but even then, be careful she's not just doing this for her own profit and that she actually loves you. At the moment I think she's only capable of loving herself. A selfish person would never really love their spouse unfortunately.
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